by Leah Atwood
“Yes, and I do think it was sincere.” Propping an elbow on the armrest, Tanya leaned to the side. “He’s recently become a Christian.”
“Oh,” Madison drew it out into several syllables, swirling around to face Tanya and grab her arm. “Wow. That changes everything.”
“Ouch. How?” Tanya couldn’t help pulling away.
“You now have the greatest commonality possible.” Madison smiled. “You both love God, and it seems like now, you have both have Lacy’s best interests at heart.”
“That doesn’t mean I should marry him.”
“I didn’t say you should, but it’s something to think about. You shared a spark once before, who’s to say it can’t reignite?” Madison locked eyes with her. “What if this is God’s answer to your prayers?”
“Marriage to someone who abandoned our child and me? I find that hard to believe.” Irritation sprouted. “Whose side are you on, anyway?”
“Yours, of course, but I don’t want you to pass on an opportunity you might later regret, only because you’re still holding onto anger.”
“I’m not mad at him. I had to do away with that years ago in order to be the best mom I could be. But that said, I can’t forget what he did to me.” A long sigh pushed between her pinched lips. “Besides, I don’t even know him anymore. I’d be stupid to marry a stranger and pledge my life to him.”
Madison cleared her throat. A hurt expression covered her face. “Was I stupid to marry your brother?”
“Oh goodness, Mads, I’m sorry. That’s not what I mean.” Now she sounded like Scott after he stuck his foot in his mouth. “Your situation was different.”
“Archer and I didn’t have the luxury of ever knowing each other, nor did we have a child to bond us.” Madison lifted a leg and tucked it under her other leg. “Yes, it started as a marriage of convenience, but it didn’t take long for us to fall head over heels in love for real.”
“You guys are the exception, not the rule.” Her chest tightened with aggravation.
“Marriages of convenience happen more often than you think, and people have married for lesser reasons than sharing a child.”
“It sounds like you think I should marry him.” Restless energy invaded her muscles, and she surged to her feet. “How many times do I have to remind you that he abandoned Lacy and me?”
“Don’t get mad. I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t. All I’m saying is that you should at least consider the idea.”
“I can’t believe this.” She ran a hand through her hair, then grabbed her jacket and purse. “I forgot I have to be somewhere. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Don’t leave while you’re upset.” Madison jumped up and placed a hand on her shoulder.
“I’m not upset.” She backed away and pushed her arms through the jacket sleeves, then yanked her purse over her shoulder. “But I’m not going to listen to someone tell me I should consider something so ridiculous.”
Madison expelled a frustrated sigh. “Should I tell Archer you stopped by?”
“No, and don’t tell him about Scott either.”
“All right. Call me when you get home.”
“It won’t be until tonight.” She reached for her phone in the front pocket of her purse and pretended she had a message that needed a reply.
“That’s fine. I just want to know you’re okay.”
“There’s nothing wrong,” she ground out between clenched teeth.
She rushed outside and jumped into her car. Jerked the gearshift into reverse and backed out of the driveway. She drove until she found herself at Centennial Park. Hot tears pricked her eyes, and she buried her head in her hands.
What’s gotten into me? I shouldn’t have taken out my frustration on Madison. Once I calm down, I’ll have to apologize. Madison’s words echoed in her mind. Did she have a point? Should she consider Scott’s proposal?
Contrary to what she’d told him, she’d never given up her dream of a family. Once she’d been old enough to understand that her parents had abandoned her and her brothers, leaving them with Gran and Granddad, she’d promised herself she’d have a normal family. That was before a poor decision left her pregnant in high school. Keeping her baby had never been a question, but she’d been shocked when Scott left.
She’d barely dated anyone since him. Lacy was a convenient excuse, but in reality, the prospect of rejection terrified her. Her heart knew that many men would be willing to accept someone else’s child as their own, but her mind fought against her heart, often winning. The few times she’d gone out with a man, she broke things off after one or two dates. None of the men had met Lacy.
Did the possibility of a traditional family exist for her? With Scott? How could she forgive him for what he’d done? She’d said it out loud many times, but she hadn’t. She was furious. As long as she lived, she would never understand how someone could walk away from their child.
As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.
Squeezing her eyes, she tried to ignore the verses coming to mind. She didn’t want to forgive Scott. He didn’t deserve it.
And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.
Had she deserved God’s forgiveness? She’d struggled with that issue for a solid year after becoming pregnant. No, she hadn’t deserved it, yet He’d still given it freely. Could she claim faith in God and withhold forgiveness to Scott?
She knew the answer, even if she didn’t like it.
“Oh, dear Lord, help me forgive Scott … and release my anger toward him. Please give me guidance on where to go from here, and to make the best decisions for Lacy.”
Raising her head and opening her eyes, peace settled over her. Clinging to her negative feelings toward Scott wouldn’t benefit anybody. She’d prayed for years he’d want to be involved in Lacy’s life and that prayer had been answered.
What next? She couldn’t marry him. Not even for Lacy’s sake. Marriage required a solid commitment. Without love, could a marriage ever be strong enough to survive? She thought about her brother and Madison. They’d married to make Gran happy in what everyone thought were her final days. From what she understood of the situation, they’d never planned to stay married, but had fallen in love and made the marriage permanent.
Love had to be part of the equation for Tanya. She firmly believed in ‘til death do us part, but a lifetime without love? A marriage of convenience was a gamble she couldn’t take.
But you loved him once. Couldn’t you love him again? The voice of her conscience annoyed her. Or was it God speaking to her? She rubbed her fingers over her eyelids and pinched the bridge of her nose. Well, Madison had asked her to think about it, so Tanya couldn’t be faulted for that. She’d had no intention of entertaining the notion, yet here she was, giving it thought.
Why had Scott gone and asked for marriage? Why couldn’t he have been a normal person and asked for visitation? Since he’d already moved back to Maryville, she would even consider joint custody, after some time had passed, and she knew his change of heart was legitimate. But he has changed. I can see the difference.
Scott’s eyes never lied. When she was honest with herself, she admitted his leaving shouldn’t have been such a shock. The first month or two after she’d told him she was pregnant had been fine, but then his eyes had changed. She hadn’t been able to pinpoint it then, had blamed it on fear of the unknown.
She’d been scared too—what pregnant teen wasn’t?
Only as the years passed, could she look back and recognize the expression of that of a tiger in a cage, pawing at the gate. College had presented his prime opportunity.
“I’ll be back,” he’d said.
“This is for the best. A degree will help me better support our family,” he’d claimed.
Yeah, right.
He hadn’t come back. One phone call a week later had ended it all. The only thing he’d done righ
t was to send child support. It wasn’t much during those college years, but every bit helped. While she would have much rather given Lacy a father in her life, the meager amount he’d sent had often made the difference between keeping the power turned on or living in the dark. For all that she’d held against him, she’d never stopped to recognize that blessing. She had a friend whose husband had left her and hadn’t sent any money in two years.
In the last several years, his checks enabled them to have some extras—like cable television, and the occasional dinner out which they’d never had before unless someone treated them. Closing her eyes, she inhaled, filling her lungs with the crisp fall air. She could almost smell cinnamon and pumpkin. Autumn had always been her favorite season. Whereas most people considered spring the season of new beginnings, she’d always thought fall had its own merits of renewal.
The leaves had to clear and die, and the trees lay dormant for a season, in order for new life to come. Spring culminated the process while autumn began it.
“Kind of like life,” she muttered followed by a rueful sigh.
Which season was she living in?
Chapter Five
Scott left the service on Sunday, unsure if it was the church for him. He’d attended Valley Church last Sunday and had enjoyed the service, but an unknown vital factor was missing. On the chance he’d only been experiencing the awkwardness of being a first-timer, he’d gone again this week. The feeling persisted.
There wasn’t anything he could pinpoint. The music style reminded him of his church in Scranton, and he enjoyed it. The preaching was Biblical as far as he could tell—being new in his faith, he couldn’t claim to be a scholar. On both Sundays, he’d been greeted and welcomed by friendly smiling faces. He’d been asked to join a small group, and today had received an invitation for dinner after the service from old family friends.
He didn’t have a single negative thing to say about the church, but he couldn’t see it as home. Next week, he’d attend one of the other churches in town. He missed the community and connection he’d experienced from his church in Scranton and prayed he’d find the same in Maryville.
Asking for a raincheck, he’d declined the dinner invitation then picked up a burger on the way home to his empty house. He sat at his new dining table to eat his lunch, but the five empty seats swallowed him, so he moved to a barstool to eat at the counter. Would he ever get used to eating alone? Maybe returning to Maryville was a mistake.
He hadn’t heard from Tanya since their talk in the park. With every day that passed, his discouragement grew. If he didn’t hear from her by Wednesday, he’d call her. He wanted to meet his daughter and be the father she deserved. Tanya had told him she’d allow visitation. At least he had that to look forward to.
Chewing the last bite of his burger, he crumbled the paper wrapper and tossed it into the brown bag. He swallowed and washed it down with a swig of root beer. A loud yawn escaped. A Sunday nap called his name. It wasn’t a habit he typically indulged in, but he’d stayed up until three last night putting together the table set which was delivered without the legs attached. That shouldn’t have been a problem except there weren’t any holes for the screws, nor was there any hardware. So in addition to the Black Friday prices Russ had convinced Mr. Hargrove to give him, he got a deep discount for the defect and missing hardware. By midnight, he’d learned the hard way that furniture assembly wasn’t his forte.
Another yawn came, and he trudged upstairs, nearly collapsing on his bed. He sure wasn’t the same kid who could stay out all night at college and fully function the next day. Reaching into his pocket for his phone, he realized he’d left it downstairs. His legs became lead weights at the thought of tackling the steps again.
The stress of the move and not knowing what would happen with Tanya and Lacy caught up with him. His eyes closed, and he drifted off into a deep sleep.
When he awoke, the sun hung low in the sky, sending golden rays with a hint of copper through his blinds. He glanced at his alarm clock: 4:47. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a three hour nap. He threw off the covers and sat up. Stretching to take a deep breath, he felt refreshed and ready to take on what remained of the day.
He ran a hand through his hair to smooth down the mussed tresses, not that anyone was around to see him. The smooth panels of the hardwood floor were cool on his bare feet. He made a note to shop for an area rug for his bedroom. The smaller two rooms upstairs had carpet.
On his way to the stairs, he checked the thermostat. Sixty-eight degrees inside. He went back to his room and dug a sweatshirt from the closet. The added layer removed the chills against his skin. Might have to turn on the heat tonight.
He climbed down the steps and went straight to the kitchen for his phone. One missed call with a voicemail. His heart skipped a beat. Did Tanya’s call hold good or bad news for him? He rushed to listen to her message. Her voice started off shaky and became progressively wobblier.
“Hi, Scott, it’s Tanya. Are you free tonight? I’ve told Lacy about you, and she’s eager to meet her father. If you could meet tonight, give me a call. Thanks,"
He saved the message and searched his phone log for the time of the call. Almost two hours ago. He hoped he wasn’t too late.
Scrambling to call her back, he dropped his phone and cracked the protective screen cover. He shook his hands to ease his nerves before picking up the phone. While the line rang, he prayed she would answer.
“Hello?” Her voice sounded nervous.
“Hi, Tanya. It’s Scott, returning your call.” His voice shook as badly as hers.
“I know. I saved your number.” She took a raspy breath that crackled over the line. “I was starting to think you weren’t going to call back.”
“No, I called as soon as I got the message. My phone was downstairs, and I never heard it ring.”
“Would you be able to meet tonight?” Uncertainty made her question nearly unintelligible.
“Yes. When? Have you eaten yet? I could make dinner.” The words spilled from his mouth in rapid succession.
“No. I mean, no, we haven’t eaten yet.”
He mentally ran down the sparse contents of his refrigerator and cabinets. “Does Lacy like hot dogs and mac and cheese? It’s not very fancy, but it’s quick and easy for the nights I work late.”
Tanya laughed, a soft sound still tinged with nervousness. “That’s Lacy’s dream meal.”
“All right. Is my house okay?” When she didn’t answer right away, he rushed to add, “I don’t mind bringing it to you if that works better.”
“Your house is fine. Her bedtime is normally seven-thirty, but she has off all this week for Thanksgiving, so she can stay up a little later.”
“What time do you think you’ll be here?” He gripped his phone even tighter, in disbelief he was about to finally meet his daughter.
“In a half hour, if that’s okay.”
“Perfect.” He gave her the address and directions before hanging up.
Drumming his knuckles against the granite countertop, he took a shuddering breath. Torn between anticipation and dread—regardless that Tanya said Lacy wanted to meet him, he worried his daughter would hate him—he became paralyzed. Something Tanya said surfaced to his memory. She’d been worried about Lacy going to bed late, which meant she planned to be here more than two hours.
The realization prompted him into action. He grabbed a pot from a cabinet under the counter and put water to boil on the back burner of the stove. Next, he took an unopened pack of hot dogs from the deli drawer of his refrigerator. Usually, he nuked them. Was microwaved food safe for kids? I think so, but what if it’s not? His mom never used the microwave which cast further doubt. That’s out. Should I bake or boil them?
After quick deliberation, he chose to boil them since that’s what his mom would do and the only frame of reference he had for making a decision. The simple choice made him realize how little he knew about children, but he would learn. He’d
be the best dad possible.
The water in the first pot began to boil as he turned the burner on for the second pot. He ripped open the yellow box and poured the pasta shells into the bubbling water. While waiting for the other pot to be ready, he grabbed the ketchup and mustard from the door of the refrigerator and set them on the counter. Grabbed three plates and three cups.
He took a look at the clothes he wore—his sweatshirt covered his button-down shirt from church and wrinkles covered his khakis, a direct result of sleeping in them. What a fashion statement. I look like a college kid who overslept the morning of finals. He ran upstairs and changed into a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved Phillies t-shirt.
Once again he stopped at the thermostat. This time, he turned on the heat and set the temperature to seventy-two degrees. Was that a comfortable temperature for a six-year-old girl? He found himself second-guessing every decision and action. He couldn’t help it—he wanted everything perfect for Lacy.
The doorbell rang on his way down the stairs. Had it really been a half hour already? He ran to the kitchen, turned down the heat on the pasta and threw the hot dogs in the other pot. The doorbell rang again.
“Be right there.” He drew in a fortifying breath. Thank You, Lord, for giving me this opportunity.
His hand froze on the doorknob. Fifty thoughts ran concurrently through his mind. The sneeze of a young girl snapped him to attention, and he pulled open the door. A ball of sentiment lodged in his throat. For the life of him, he couldn’t say a word, but stared at the girl he’d missed out on raising for six, almost seven, years.
Lacy was a miniature version of Tanya with glossy brunette hair, an adorable nose, and a dimple in her chin. Her sparkling blue eyes, however, matched his own.
He swallowed hard. “Come in.”
“Thanks for having us.” Tanya gave Lacy a nudge through the door.
“I can take your jackets.” Extending his arm, he accidentally brushed Tanya’s shoulder. “Sorry.”