by Tara Brown
I hear a man's voice over the sounds of my own choking. “Jesus, calm down. Are you okay?”
I’m sputtering and coughing and feeling sick but also terrified. I never drink water that isn’t boiled or fresh from my wells or in stream with fir trees growing nearby. Any one of them could have the infection. It could be in the water. I swim for the big rock and pull myself up onto the platform. I lie on my stomach against the cold stone. My skin trembles and shivers.
"Hey, are you okay?"
I look over at Mary at the edge of the rock and nod and push myself up. I pick up my clothes and run up the hill toward the tents.
I can hear them talking about me—Mary and the others.
“Jackass."
"What?"
"Mark, you have to be careful. She's lived alone since she was a kid. She doesn’t get it."
"I didn’t mean to."
I run faster to get away from their voices. I feel like a freak. I make my way to the nearest fire. I am alone, until I feel warm breath at my hip. It makes me close my eyes and shiver against him. He makes me want to go home. His cold nose feels warm against my bare skin. I go to pull on my stinky dirty clothes but Mary is suddenly there. She holds out a pile.
"Here!” Mary is dripping wet too. We stand looking at each other in the firelight. She is so pretty in her soaked dress with the water dripping from her. I don't know what to say about getting upset in the water. I don't have an excuse I want to share. They all remind me of the cool kids at school who you want to be friends with, but you aren’t sure how to go about it. I had a few friends but I was never popular.
I put my bundle down on the dirt and take the pile she offers. They smell funny; clean in a way my clothes never smell. I imagine they are cleaned in the lagoon not like how I do it back home in a tub of well water. Well water doesn't smell fresh like lagoon water.
I pull on the shirt and the pants over my soaked underwear and slip my bra off when the shirt is on and covering me.
“What's your name?"
My lips tremble. “Emma."
She leans in and kisses me softly on the lips. “Emma, it's okay. You're safe here. No infection and no others and no military. We use the same laws the world had before we screwed it up. An eye for an eye. It’s barbaric but it keeps order. We take care of each other and we honor the dead by living.” She takes my soaking-wet bra and picks up my pile of filthy clothes and leaves. I stand alone by the fire, realizing she kissed me. It was a nice feeling. Not nice the way Jake's kisses on my cheeks were. Hers are sweet and soft. It makes me happy, like it was my granny kissing me or my mom. She sort of reminds me of my mom or a sister, if I’d had one. I always wanted one. Now that I have Anna and Meg I’m sort of glad I don't have a sister. The added stress of another person is shocking.
Leo turns his face in the light of the fire and whines. I pat his head and look to where she's walked. She drops my clothes into a basket and points to a bright-orange glow in the woods across the camp. She turns and waves. “Come to the fire. We sing and play guitar.”
Leo and I follow her through the woods to where a large bonfire is burning. The music plays faintly in the crackle of the flames and embers. It's folk music but better. It hits me with a wall of emotion and everything lifts away from me. The music becomes embedded in my soul. I haven’t heard music since before. I feel like an outsider, but the people at the fire smile at me. Someone shoves over on the log in front of me to make space, but when I sit Leo stays back and watches me join in a crowd. He doesn’t know how to respond to this. He whines a little. I pat my hand on my leg and watch him try to move, but he doesn't. He’s scared of everyone here. He’s on good behavior, like me. I don't feel threatened by the people here and I can tell he doesn't either, but neither of us is making them part of our us.
Heat waves rise from the huge fire, making it hard to see across to where the musicians are. The logs are built higher than the people sitting. I can make out a man with a small guitar. He's old and has a beard. The sound gets louder when they start a new song.
A man I can’t see starts singing with the soft guitars. His voice is incredible. It's raspy and sweet. I am in a trance. I sit and close my eyes as the music brings back something soft and sweet that I never realized I was missing. Its return aches in my chest like the hug Jake gave me or the kiss Mary gave me. Like it makes me more human somehow.
The sweet voice makes my skin shiver and my throat get thick with unfamiliar emotions. Instead of the usual thousand bad images I normally have in my mind, I see all the things I used to love about the world.
We are in a huge circle, warmed by the fire and the raw human emotions inside of the song. The words being sung speak of love and sacrifice. A woman's voice accompanies the man's and the guitars. She adds softness to the song that his raspy voice doesn’t have.
This is the greatest moment of my life. I have experienced nothing like this, even before. Time passes and I don’t know how much.
Songs are sung.
Whiskey is passed.
I drink and eventually end up swaying my body with everyone else. My guard is not only lowered, but it is destroyed in the camaraderie of the people at the fire and the song in our hearts.
But old habits are hard to kill and my mind constantly fights with the unknown forest surrounding us. The men in the trees are the only things making me feel safe. If I can relax, I might even be able to sleep.
In the light, I can see Mary. She sings and laughs and drinks. Her eyes sparkle vibrantly in the orange glow.
Slowly people trickle away from the fire. Leo has crept up and is lying on my feet. The pile of logs and lumber on the fire has burned down to ash, and in the embers I see something I never expected. Will's the singer with the haunting voice that has me lit up. I think he feels the music, it sounds like it. His eyes are closed and his fingers gently stroke the other guitar. When he finishes the song I can't help but see him differently. I don't think he has seen me until I catch his eyes on me. The fire is burned down and most of the people are done with music and are leaving the fire. He walks to where I am and sits beside me.
"You're a good singer,” I say, trying to be nice. I don't know what else to say.
He ignores my attempts at being polite. His tone is cold. “We need to talk."
Sitting beside him makes my insides crawl. He doesn’t look sweet and soft like Mary does. He looks annoyed and angry, which makes me intimidated. He doesn’t act like the goof Anna described. He’s intense.
I nod. “Okay.”
His long legs are huge compared to mine. He is thick and strong. His face is handsome like Jake's but more commanding. Almost as if I want to listen to him for some reason, maybe because I think he could keep me safe like he does everyone else here. I don’t know why I think it's him that does it, but I do.
"So where are they?"
“I wish I knew.” I shake my head and try not to watch his mouth. “But I don’t. They were at my farmhouse last time I saw them."
"How did they look?"
I gulp. “Great. Jake was hurt a bit, but I got him medicine. They were fine when I left though."
"Where did you meet them?"
"First my cabin.” I start the story at the beginning and try not to stare at his lips as he processes what I have to say. I want him to sing to me some more. Talking is clearly not his strong suit.
Chapter Eleven
I wake with a wolf foot in my face. He kicks slightly in his dream and scratches my cheek. I push him away and look around, realizing the tent feels like an impenetrable wall. I didn't think I would be, but I'm more comfortable than I've ever been, since before—and I know Leo hasn't slept like this in ages. Meg is passed out with her arms around him. He loves to snuggle when he sleeps. I smile, thinking he's met his soul mate. My heart hurts a little—sharing him is rough, but it makes leaving him here easier if he doesn't want to leave her. They will keep each other safe. I want to bring him but going after Anna and Jake might be dange
rous and he’ll protect me to the death. And there is one death on this planet I will not survive.
The light of day is filtering in through the canvas of the tent. It's a small and cozy tent, so the air has grown stale with three of us breathing it.
I look down at my feet, amazed at how much they’ve healed. The scabs are flaking away and the sores are tiny compared to the scars. Leo kicks at me again, making me sigh and surrender my side of the bed. I climb out of the tent before I end up getting another paw in the head.
I stretch and realize what I'm wearing, now that it’s very light out. It's a tight t-shirt with the word rock and then a star below it. It's bright purple and too long for me. I'm also wearing jeans with tears and holes in the knees. There’s a bit of breeze in the back so I grope my butt to discover holes back there as well. I frown, needing my pants back.
"You're up, finally."
I turn around to see Will smiling at me. His eyes meet mine and something in them makes me feel weird until I see his clothes. He has on fresh-looking jeans and a baby-blue t-shirt that fits him snug. He has no holes in his clothes. “How come you get jeans with no holes?"
“We only have so many clothes. The last trip to a mall was three years ago. We share everything."
I glance at Mary snuggled into a guy and holding the little brat, and nod. “Everything."
He turns and sees what I'm watching. He laughs “No, not everything. She is really friendly, Emma. She is like that with everyone. But if you're interested, we have a few girls who are single."
I frown. “What?"
"If you're interested."
I shake my head. “I don’t know what you mean.” He laughs at me. He is in on a joke that I am not.
“So, want to go over the map with me?" he sighs.
“I told you last night that I don’t know maps. I know where I've been by remembering the woods."
He frowns. “Well, back to the farmhouse then?"
"Okay, but I need a favor,” I say.
"What?"
I point to the tent. “I need her to stay here and be protected. She's fifteen. She's lived a hard life. Her mom was a prison warden."
He makes a face that makes me laugh. “Yeah, I figured she was staying. Wow, a warden?"
I nod. “Her mom and aunt just died. Her other aunt was taken to the breeder farms."
“She is just our kind of girl.” His blue eyes sparkle.
I am confused by him, but don’t have time to figure him out. I can't get the picture of him playing the guitar in the firelight out of my head. It is almost like there are two of him inside of his body. Sweet Will and Business Will and neither one is a good thing to get caught up in. When I was a kid, Granny told me boys are trouble and being around Will makes me think she was dead on the money. He makes me want to smile at him—I don't like that.
Mary comes over carrying the monster. “Andy, what do you have to say to Emma?"
He looks down at the ground and pouts. “Sorry.” He fidgets with her blouse. She looks up and meets my frown with a smile.
“Okay, thanks." I nod.
Will and Mary laugh, but I just want to go and find my friends. I nod at the tent. “Mary, will you take care of Meg till I get back?"
“Of course.” She leans in and hugs me. “Be safe, Emma, and hurry back."
I hug her back, noticing she hugs like a person and I hug like a robot. She hugs just like Anna. My heart hurts thinking about them.
I turn and open the tent. “I'm leaving, Meg. You need to stay here and help out, okay? They need the extra hands."
She wakes and instantly gives me a snarl, “No. I'm coming with you."
I shake my head. “No, you need to stay and hang with Mary. I'm taking Will to the farmhouse to see if we can track them. I'll be back in a couple days."
“Fine." She lies back but her tone stays sharp.
I glance at Leo. “You coming or staying?” He stretches out on the sleeping bags and snuggles into Meg who laughs sarcastically. “Ha. He likes me better."
I roll my eyes. “Traitor.” He lifts his head and groans. I know he’s telling me to stay too. Food and rest and safety are a premium to us both. I don't try to talk him out of staying. If he’s here, he’s safe. I zip the tent back up and walk back to Will, whose eyes sparkle in the morning light.
"What?"
He shakes his head, amused by me or something. “You're funny, Emma."
The walk down the mountain is less painful and considerably faster than the walk up, but I miss Meg nattering on. My feet don’t hurt this time and Will keeps a fast pace, but he never speaks. It’s not like walking with Leo, where the silence is friendly. This is painfully quiet.
When we make it back to the meeting tree, we both take a pause and listen before I lead across the open field with a sprint. We creep along to the edge of the field toward the house but crouch down to look out for any signs of life in the driveway.
The barn door swings open and shut.
They're back. I know I sealed the barn door completely when I left. I can hear Will's breath on the back of my neck as I watch the house silently. I turn and whisper, “Let me go look first." I want to look and I want to get away from how close he’s standing. But we’re in the tallest and thickest section of the hay.
He shakes his head and points to the barn door.
I look again, almost jumping when I see them. It feels as though the eyes are watching me, but I can see the blank stare of them. As the barn door swings open and shut, the lone pair of eyes gaze out from inside, with stains of bloody tears streaking the gaunt cheeks.
My stomach twists and turns, and I back up but Will puts his arms on me to stop me from running away. He leans in and whispers again against my skin. “Stay still.” His words make my skin shiver, as his hot breath lands on the back of my neck.
I don’t move. The barn door opens and closes several more times. Then suddenly when it opens the eyes are gone.
I look up at the loft window to see the thin figure pass by it, making me flinch.
The window overlooks the field perfectly.
We will be seen.
Suddenly, I'm on the ground, in the hay and wrapped up in Will's long body. He holds me close to him and pulls the wheat over us with the gust of wind that’s blowing by us. The wind plays with the hay over us. It whispers to us and clearly he’s not listening to the same sound as me, because to me the hay is telling me to run my butt off.
I can feel his heart beating against my chest. We are face to face but my eyes dart around us. First there are footsteps then I hear something else, the worst thing you can hear when you are in a vulnerable position. It’s the way an exhale sounds when your throat is a ragged mess. I haven’t been this close to the infected in a very long time.
The infected are not just near us, they’re all around us. I want to pull my shirt up over my face, make a mask, and run. I need my mask but I've left it behind.
Another rule I've broken.
Damn.
“Shhhhhh.” Will strokes his thumb along the back of my neck, where his left hand lies. He's trying to calm my nerves before I give away our location. I’ve done it before with Leo. I pull back from him, shaking my head.
In the gusts of warm wind and the creepy sounds of ragged exhales, I hear a sound I don’t expect. It's the hollering of men mixing with the high moans of the infected.
The footsteps leave the hay around us. The moaning and ragged breath become harder to hear as distance is put between us and them. It's always us and them.
Will whispers into my forehead, “Oh my God.” We lie in silence for a moment, not sure what’s happening at all.
The sound in the yard becomes a fight between the men and the infected. We stay frozen, holding each other and the wheat.
Will peeks his head up to look around, but I pull him back down. “One more minute."
He frowns but as I speak it, the barn door closes several times hard, like someone is slamming someone else with
the door. A raucous noise fills the air as different types of commotion begin after that.
"We need to leave now,” I whisper into his throat.
His jaw nods against the top of my head.
He pulls back a bit and looks at me—almost through me with his intensely blue eyes. He tilts my chin with his free hand and lightly feathers his lips against my cheek. His kiss isn’t intense like Jake's was or soft and uncertain like Mary's. It's somewhere in the middle and filled with more of everything. He kisses beside my mouth and whispers into my cheeks, “We're going to crawl from here and then make our way to the forest on the other side than from where we came. We don’t want to lead them to the camp."
He kisses once more just alongside my lips and lets me out of his firm grip, but my hand flies across his face, getting lost in the commotion. The slap makes me scared but it makes him snicker. He raises his eyebrows and smirks. “Still glad I did it.”
I am furious, I think. I should be. No, I am. He had no right to kiss me.
He moves away from me, slithering backward—away from the farmhouse. I follow him. The hay slices along my skin, giving me small cuts. When we get to the halfway point between the forest and farmhouse, he stands and walks hunched right over. I do the same, listening intently to every sound.
We make our way into the forest where he breaks into a run. I follow him until we reach the bigger trees. He climbs one of them quickly. I look around and start to feel uncomfortable. I don’t like being on the ground without Leo. I climb the next largest tree, scrambling up the branches until I'm as high as he is.
The farmhouse—my farmhouse—is nearly the entire view. I can see the field I've crossed too many times to count. Pain creeps around inside of me as I imagine my bunker and my rations and my clean little spaces, all torn apart by the infected.
"So Jake and Anna were here with you?” His voice betrays his lack of hope.