by Tara Brown
He kisses my hand. “I think the nap is a great way to brainstorm."
I grimace at his lips on my hand. “I don’t know the last time I washed that."
He spits on the ground. “You are the least tactful person I've ever met."
I grin. “I was raised by wolves. What do you expect?"
He laughs and pulls me into his arms. He presses his lips against mine and guilt rips through me. I push on his chest and think about his brother's lips against mine only days before.
He looks hurt. “Is there something I should know about? Something with you and Will?"
I shake my head. “No.” It's a lie. I know this but my lips speak before my brain can think. I can't bear the thought of hurting him.
He kisses me softly. “I think there is."
I close my eyes. I feel like I might cry. “I need to save the world before I can have this conversation.” I can feel his lips curl into a smile against mine.
"Let them all kill each other. Stay here with me."
I open my eyes and let the few tears that have built up drip down my cheeks. “I can't."
He looks hurt again. “You mean you won't."
I bite my lip. “Does it matter? I can't leave them there."
He shakes his head. “You've changed, Emma. You never cared for anything and now you care about everything. You pick up strays every time you go out there."
"My dad warned me that if I cared about anything, I would care about everything."
He kisses my lips once more. “We broke you."
I shake my head and pull away from him. “You saved me.” I walk up the hill fast. I know he can't catch me. Tears blind me.
I break into a run and flee for the safety of the forest. I know the guards in the trees can see me running, but I don’t care.
My hands dig into the soft dirt on a hill as I pull my way up it. I jump over to the other side and let the sadness of it all flow out of me.
Images of the garbage bags tearing open flash behind my closed eyes.
I cover my eyes with my hands. The dirt on them blends with the tears.
I hear a loud snap. I look up expecting Leo. He always knows when I'm sad or lost.
Through the waterworks, I see a man. I know who it is instantly. I can smell him.
He sits and pulls me into him. I want to fight him but I can't.
I sob into his shirt. “They were hollow. The bags ripped open and they were hollow. No eyes. No guts. Just flaps of skin. I can't leave them there. There was a girl. A little girl."
He strokes my head. “Okay. Okay. We won't leave them there."
His fingers brush the top of my head.
Will kisses the top of my head. His hot breath on my scalp calms me.
"When I was there, I met a guy named Dillon. He was young like me—eighteen. We worked an apple orchard together in Southern Utah. When the doctors came through looking for young, healthy men, they picked us both. We went to the breeder camp you were at. They tested us and made sure we were healthy. I passed the tests, but I guess Dillon's blood showed he carried a gene for Huntington's disease. He didn’t have it, but if he had kids they could get it, maybe. Maybe not.” His voice lowers. “They told him he was going to be let go because they couldn’t use him. He shook my hand and told me best of luck. Said he would see me again. Told me he was going to try to find his mother and father in Idaho.”
He quivers and takes a breath. “I was walking through the halls, past all sorts of windows. Dillon and three other guys we had been brought there with were walking out in this garden area. Through the window I watched as a man came out with a gun and shot them all before any of them could register what was happening."
I had stopped crying halfway through the story. I hold my breath and look up into his watery eyes. “They said it was an accident that they walked us that way. They didn’t mean for us to see it. But I knew. They did it as a warning. Nonsense wouldn't be tolerated and each of us meant nothing to them."
He doesn’t look at me. He speaks like he is inside of the story and can't break away, no matter what. It is his guilt to live with. The guilt of being the one to live.
"So I know what you feel about it all. When I met the scientists who were there with a gun against their heads, I knew there was still a chance. They wanted to stop it and let mankind start over. Humanity exists, Emma. It's inside of every one of those garbage bags. It's inside of the people trying to eke out a life in the mountains like you were."
The memories of my old cabin fill my mind and I smile.
He laughs. “The smile that crosses your lips when you think about that old cabin is hilarious. You go from slightly insane and moody to Susie Homemaker."
I frown. “Who's Susie?” He's one to talk about looking grumpy.
He laughs again and kisses my forehead. “We need to go back."
I stand. “Thanks for letting me—um, cry."
"You are the most incredible person I've ever met. You lived through it all.” He pulls me into him and grips my back.
I hear a noise and see Leo watching us. He looks sad. I drop to my knees. He jumps up on the log and down in front of me. He puts his paws up and hugs me.
I breathe in his fur. The smell of him brings me home.
"I love you too, boy."
He looks at Will and makes a throaty noise.
"He hates me."
I pull back and stroke his huge ears. “No, he doesn’t. He hasn’t even tried to eat you yet. Don’t be a baby."
We walk back and I am resolved in my debate about going back to the breeder farm. I glance at Will and Jake's words ring in my head. I never feel guilty when I'm in Will's arms.
I silently agree with Jake. I am broken.
Chapter Twenty
"I don’t give a good goddamn what the conditions in there are, Will. I am not sending my men into the farms. It's a suicide mission. Think with your brain and not what’s between your legs. Jesus."
The crowd can't help but watch from outside the tent.
A man beside Marshall glares at me. “She's filling your head with stories. Lisa's sister went and got a condo in the city. They don’t damned well kill them.” He paces around the maps like a caged animal.
My fingers twitch, but I let Will do the talking.
"She saw what she saw. She isn’t making it up. My sister saw it. Are you calling my sister a liar?"
The red-faced man throws his arms in the air. “I'm not calling them liars, just confused. Some of the girls aren't going to make it. Not every woman lives through childbirth."
He is backpedaling. Will leans over the table and looks at Marshall. “Marshall, huge dumpsters full of dead women in body bags. The nurse told them what was going on. There are no condos in the city."
Gasps and whispers fill the crowd outside the tent.
Star is there beside Will suddenly. She reaches down and touches his lower back with her hands. I want to focus on Marshall and the fighting, but her cutoffs look shorter than ever and her tank top is tighter. She is just asking for trouble dressing like that. I don't like being around people who act recklessly.
I leave the tent and walk away. I am not waiting for them to decide. I'll figure it out on my own.
"You were the one in the farms?"
I look over at a lady with long brown hair. Her face is old, but I would bet she isn’t that old. Her eyes look young.
I nod.
"My sister is there. She went last year. They took her.”
“I'm sorry."
"Is it true? Are they killing them?"
I nod again.
"I knew it. I was in the city last year. That's how she got caught. We went there and she got taken and I got kicked out. I was a smoker before. Said I have a seventy percent chance of getting lung or throat cancer. Wouldn’t take me. Then they kicked me out of the city."
I sit at a small table with some stump chairs. “What was the city like?"
She shakes her head and sits across from m
e. “Like nothing you ever seen, even before.”
She rubs her dark eyes. “There wasn’t no one like us. You know, looking like they spent any time out in the woods or old abandoned houses. We tried sleeping in an alley, but they patrol them all night. Me and Amanda, my sister, we found a place under a building to sleep. There was no one like us. The women are all thin and pretty. They have little kids and everyone is too clean. They eat like they ain't never been hungry. Pick at it and then throw it away."
My lips curl into a smile, a bitter and expressive smile. “Well, maybe we should show them what it's like to be hungry."
She puts a hand over mine. “The kids are weird. They ain't normal. They are like little adults, but they have bad tempers. We was hiding in the back of a building and a pack of them came along. They was maybe twelve years old. All beautiful and perfect looking. They attacked an older woman and killed her. They smiled while they done it."
My skin shivers.
She shakes her head. “If you want help getting them girls out, I'm in. I got people here too. When they find out Amanda is going to be killed after she has her babies, they'll help."
I admire her bravery. She may be skinny and tired looking, but I can see a fire in her tired eyes.
"I'm Emma."
She cackles and coughs. “Everyone knows who you are, sugar bee. I'm Nannette. Everyone calls me Nan.” She puts a boney hand out. I take it. It feels soft compared to mine.
"How old are you?"
"Twenty-nine."
I honestly would have guessed forty. I hold my face muscles still and smile. “I'm nineteen."
"You look about fourteen. You're plump like them city people are. Having enough water and food does that to you."
I look at my forearm and know it's the truth. I've always had enough. It wasn’t grand or amazing, but it was enough. Something cold presses against my hand. I look at Leo's wolf face. His muzzle is wet.
"Hey, boy.” I scratch his face. “This is Leo."
She nods again slowly. A smile creeps across her lips like she's in on a joke and I'm not. “He's the reason everyone knows who you are, kiddo."
I smile at him. “You're a superstar, Leo."
She looks intimidated by him.
"Well, Nan, it was nice meeting you.”
"If you're planning something, you let me know."
"Oh, this is me letting you know. Get me about seven or eight of the more dirty-looking guys you know, but who can fight and keep their temper at the same time. Meet me at the southeast side of camp in two hours. Pack light—food and water."
"Sounds good, kid."
I stand and leave with Leo next to me. I need to do this with a small group of people. It needs to be done delicately. I know exactly how to do it.
I walk to where the group of women had been the last time I was at the camp. There are less of them milling about as they peel vegetables.
Most of the others are peeking in on the arguing going on in the tent between Will and Marshall.
The older one smiles at me. “Got out, I see."
I smile back. “I did. You know of any women here who can fight?"
She looks at the four women beside her and opens her arms wide. “What are we, chopped liver?"
I shake my head. “No."
Putting her hands on her hips, she blows a piece of hair out of her eyes. I notice now how much they sparkle. “I was in the military before. I left to start my own business after twenty years was up. Good thing I have that military pension now, or I'd starve."
They all laugh. I'm lost.
"I was a chef. I can do a lot of things with a knife,” the woman with the scar on her face remarks with a gleam in her eyes I like.
"I'm going after the women in the breeder farm,” I say.
The dark-haired one glances at the older one. They exchange a look. "We're in. How many women?"
"Five would be ideal. They have to be fit. Be ready to leave here in a couple hours. Pack light, but bring food and water. Meet me at the southeast side of camp."
She laughs. “You little brat. You're going to let them fight and sneak a small group of us out, aren’t you?"
My eyes sparkle right back at her. “I don’t know what you're talking about."
I walk to where the water well has been dug and start filling my water bottles.
Leo makes a noise in his throat. I glance up and see Eric watching me. His dark eyes still show faded bruising under them. I wave. He shakes his head and starts laughing. Leo growls. He puts his hands in the air innocently and walks away. I didn’t know he was at the camp here. I knew Mary asked him not to come back to the retreat. Too many fifteen-year-olds for him to be tempted by.
I look down at Leo and rub his fur. We could kill Eric in the woods quietly and no one would know. Leo could eat him. I pull an arrow from my quiver and notice it's nearly empty. I decide I need arrows more than Eric dead.
I walk into the forest off to the side. Leo lies in the brush while I whittle new arrows. The forest here doesn’t feel like home. I miss my cabin. I know Leo misses it. I know after this is all over and I find my inner peace again, I am going home.
The feeling of need is burning inside of me. It is a bad feeling that haunts me. It won't stop nagging at me to help the girls in the breeder farms. I wonder if it will ever stop. Will the need ever be filled and go away?
A giggle breaks my silence and thought. I look up to see Short Shorts hanging off of Will again. He's talking to a man with black hair and a big beard. She is clinging to Will and hitting him softly, like he's making jokes. Regardless of how I think I feel about him, I haven’t fallen for his charms. I can be grateful for that at least. The weird feelings he makes me have—those will wear off over time. I hope.
But forcing myself not to fall for him, doesn't mean I need to watch him with other girls. I get up from the log I'm sitting on and walk deeper into the forest. I pull an arrow and pull out my bow, holding it steady, and listen to the forest. A bird makes a sound and I release the arrow. It’s sad when the arrow hits him because I'm not going to eat him. I only need the feathers and I don’t like waste.
I walk up to his dead body and pull the arrow out, wiping it on the forest floor before I pluck the feathers on the wings and try not to think about it.
"You should be using willow branches, you know."
I look back at him, trying desperately to fight the scowl across my face and the mean words trying to leave my lips. I want more than anything to not even see him.
He snaps a twig and walks to me. "I read it in a book. Willow branches make the best arrows."
I roll my eyes. “Will, what do you think my bow is made of?"
“I don’t know."
"Willow. The bow has to be willow. The arrows can be any wood.”
He sits beside me. “Good to know. So, I heard a rumor."
"Yeah well, if you're the star of the rumor, keep it to yourself, please. My imagination works just fine for cooking up ideas on the things you do that are noteworthy."
His tone changes. “The rumor I heard was about you doing something really stupid. But I know you wouldn't do something like that behind my back.” His tone changes, making me more aware of him suddenly.
“I guess it depends on what you think is stupid,” I snap, tired of this conversation already and the fact he thinks he can tell me what to do.
“You’re staying here and that's that. Okay? I don't want to hear about you making decisions like this. It’s dangerous. Let me handle this.” He leans into me but I back up fast and fall off the log.
“Don’t touch me." I snatch my things and stalk away.
“What is your problem? I’m trying to keep you safe.” He grabs my arm, sending my feathers and sticks everywhere.
I don't want to but I’m so mad I’m afraid I might cry. I feel like he let me down and I don't even know why. He’s making me crazy. My lip trembles. I will myself not to, but I can't help myself. I am furious. It appears the angrier I g
et, the closer to tears I get, and it only happens with Will. Frustrated tears of rage fill me and I can’t rein them in.
I shove him hard and scream, “I DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU! I’M NOT ONE OF YOUR TOYS! YOU WANNA PLAY BOSS MAN? GO FIND SHORT SHORTS! I’M NOT HERE TO STROKE YOUR EGO!” I regret saying all of it the minute it leaves my lips, but I want him gone. I want him away from me.
But he is like me, unfortunately. He talks with his hands too.
He grabs my arm again but I fight him. My body is shaking back and forth, struggling with him as he shouts at me. His hands bite into my skin and his breath is hot on my face, but I don't hear the words he's shouting. I just want him gone. I don't want to think about him anymore. I fight harder but he fights better.
No matter how hard I wriggle I can’t get away, and he can fight and talk in circles—a skill I do not have. His blue eyes are on fire. They narrow and his lips thin into a sneer. “YOU ARE STAYING HERE! THAT IS THAT!” He's lost his mind.
That makes two of us.
His mouth is moving savagely and his free hand is waving in my face until his eyes dart to the left and he stops grabbing at me. I follow his gaze to see Star standing and watching us. The world stops moving and his fingers stop clawing at me. He drops his hands and glances nervously at her.
She bites her lip, looking worried.
Everything moves slower.
Somehow she is able to completely calm him. He runs a hand through his hair and sighs, looking like he might pull it. He points one of his big fingers in my face. “I'm watching you. You don’t do anything stupid.”
I stand there for a minute, breathing and trying to comprehend what just happened. I didn't even hear his yelling, but I hate that he thinks he has the right to. I bend and try not to fall over, to collect my things from the ground.
I wish I could leave them there but I need the arrows.
The sting in my chest is something I have never felt before.
He has humiliated me and there’s a nasty buildup of emotions ready to burst from me. I hate that he has yelled at me like I'm a child, in front of his girlfriend of the week, no less. Maybe she's been his girlfriend all along. What does it matter? He’s the biggest jerk I’ve ever met, and all I want is to drive an arrow into both of their chests.