Sin Doll

by Orrie Hitt

  When she finished work she caught a bus and had to stand. Each stop brought more passengers on the bus and soon her breasts were pushed up hard against the man standing in front of her. He turned once, glanced at her and then didn’t look at her again. She wondered if he knew what was touching him.

  She had trouble getting off at Orange Street and the man ahead let his hand move over territory it shouldn’t have touched. Of course it might have been a mistake but Cherry doubted it very much.

  She walked slowly along the street. The work at the factory had been easy and she wasn’t tired.

  The kids were playing ball and the biggest boy whistled at her again. She didn’t know who he was but he lived a few houses further down the block. He had been in trouble with the police several times and she had heard from Joe that there was a married woman on the street who took him up to her bedroom several times a week.

  “Hey!” the boy yelled at her.

  She stopped and looked toward him. He was naked to the waist and he made an obscene gesture with one hand. She turned and continued walking. Someday that kid would get into trouble, real trouble.

  People’s constant interest in sex bothered Cherry. Why was sex so important? Even in high school, signs of it had been all around her. She remembered some of the words that had been written on the walls, words which had left no doubt as to their meaning. Not just the boys but the girls, too, had put the words there. And more than one girl had learned in the projection booth what being a woman meant. Cherry had gone there once with a boy, a senior, but nothing much had happened. They had kissed — it had been her first kiss — and he had unbuttoned her blouse.

  “Don’t do that.”

  “Why did you come here with me?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Don’t you know what boys and girls do together?”

  “Not exactly.”

  “I could show you.”

  “I’ll scream if you try.”

  She had seen him that summer at the pool with another girl from the school. The girl had come back to classes in the fall but she had stayed only three months. The coming baby had started to show.

  For some reason, Cherry was thinking of all these things now. Damn Joe! If she was pregnant by him, her future would be ruined, every plan destroyed. But, she reasoned with herself, it was hardly possible. She had known girls who had never been careful and they hadn’t become pregnant. Some couples were married for years and they didn’t have children. She was worrying over nothing.

  Both Oscar and Rita were on the porch when she arrived home. It was hot and Oscar had his shirt off.

  “I was worried about you,” Rita said.

  “I got a job.”

  “You could have called and let us know.”

  “I didn’t think about it.”

  They asked her about the job and she told them. Oscar said it was a good company and that the work would be steady. He said he knew some woman who had worked there for twenty years.

  “She gets two weeks off with pay. Most places only give a week. And some shut down and don’t pay at all. You’re lucky.”

  It was hot, even in the shade, and Cherry wished that she had a beer or something to drink. But she never drank at home. Rita frowned on the practice and the one time she had tried it they had had a fight.

  “Joe will be over tonight,” Rita said. “He wanted me to tell you.”

  “He’s getting a new car,” Oscar added. “A Ford.”

  Cherry nodded and entered the house. Joe could buy a Ford or a Caddy and things would be just the same between them. He would never have her again.

  “Call Tom Lester,” Rita shouted from the porch.

  “All right.”

  The phone was in the living room and Cherry knew Rita and Oscar wouldn’t be able to hear what she said. She dialed the number and the girl answered.

  “Mr. Lester, please.”

  “Who is calling?”

  “Miss Gordon. Cherry Gordon.”

  “Just a moment.”

  He answered promptly.

  “Hi,” he said.

  “Hi, yourself.”

  “Just checking on tonight. You change your mind or anything?”

  “No.”

  “Good. See you at ten?”

  “Yes.”

  When she hung up, Cherry noticed that her hands were shaking. She realized then that she was frightened, terribly frightened.

  As soon as she was in her room she stood in front of the mirror and slowly stripped. Men would pay to see this, would they? Well, she would give them their money’s worth and have them begging for more. Two hundred a week was a lot of money, a hell of a lot. She could push her pride aside and do whatever was necessary to make that much money. She would earn wealth with her body, trading flesh for a chance at success.

  • • •

  Supper in the Gordon household was always a quiet affair. Rita never missed saying a prayer and Oscar had to come fully dressed to the table.

  “I get tired of trying to think of things to fix,” Rita said this night. “Why don’t they invent another meat?”

  “There must be a hundred different ways of fixing beef,” Oscar declared.

  “Well, if there are I don’t know what they might be.”

  Cherry didn’t feel like eating the roast beef but she forced herself. In a few hours she would be peeling off her clothes for Tom Lester and she was nervous. She had put on a black bra and black panties and she hoped these were right.

  “I’ve got another job,” she heard herself saying.

  Oscar glanced at her curiously.

  “Another job? You’ve already got one.”

  “Yes, but the factory only pays forty a week.”

  “To start with, true. But when you learn the work they’ll put you on a quota and if you make over that you’ll earn more. I knew one woman who worked there and she used to come home with eighty a week, clear.”

  She knew that some of the workers in the factory made this much but she also knew that it took months or years to get that far.

  “The new girl Tom hired isn’t working out very well,” she said. “He wants me to do his books and write his letters at night.”

  Rita said this was fine, just fine.

  “You can go there right from the factory,” she added.

  “No, not until nine or ten,” Cherry hurriedly said. “Tom has things to do in the evening and he can’t get there until then.”

  “That will make a long day for you.”

  “So what if it does? I can use the money.”

  “Still got your mind set on getting out of Northtown?” Oscar asked.

  “Still,” Cherry answered.

  Rita pushed her plate aside.

  “I don’t know what girls think of these days,” she said. “They have to have everything or nothing at all.” Her glance drifted to Cherry’s face. “Isn’t that true?”

  “I know what I want to do.”

  “The trouble is that you don’t. You just think you do. A girl who has a steady boy should be thinking of marriage and a family. A woman isn’t put on earth for much more than that.”

  When supper was finished Oscar returned to the porch and Cherry helped Rita with the dishes.

  “I keep thinking of what I found under your bed,” Rita said. “I can’t stop thinking about it.”

  “Can’t we let it drop?”

  “No. If you have gone that far with Joe you should think of marrying him. Joe makes a good living and he says that his folks would remodel part of the house for you.”

  “Joe talks too much.” Cherry felt irritated.

  “Maybe he does but he loves you, Cherry. Love isn’t something that you buy over a counter. It either comes to you or it doesn’t. Oscar and I have tried to share with you the love we couldn’t give one of our own.”

  There it was again, the fact that she was adopted. They had brought her up from nothing and she had tried to return their love. Wasn’t that enough? Wh
at more did they want? But Cherry knew that it wasn’t enough. They weren’t a father and mother to her. They were just two people who had clothed and fed her; her feelings did not go beyond that. Cherry knew that she was wrong. She should be able to confide in Rita, to talk to her and seek the older woman’s help.

  “Just don’t disgrace us,” Rita was saying.

  “I won’t.”

  The dishes were finished but Cherry and Rita remained in the kitchen.

  “And don’t let Joe or anybody else do anything to you,” Rita continued. “You can lose a man that way. Why should a man marry for what he can get without marriage?”

  “You worry too much.”

  “Of course I worry. What mother wouldn’t? I see things that you don’t see and I see them through years of experience. When I was going with Oscar I only let him kiss me and even that not every night. Oh, he was like most men — he wanted more — but he didn’t put his hands where he shouldn’t put them until after we were married. He knew he either had to put a ring on my finger or I didn’t belong to him.”

  Cherry didn’t say anything. What was there to say?

  “We tried for a baby right away. We both wanted children. We tried and tried and then I went to a doctor. There was something wrong with me — I couldn’t have one. Then I heard about your mother, the trouble she was in, and we did the next best thing.” Rita spoke softly, slowly. “She could have as many kids as she wanted, kids that she shouldn’t have had, and I couldn’t have any. I’ve asked myself a thousand times if that was fair and it isn’t fair. A woman marries a decent man and she should be able to have his children.”

  “I guess you’re right.”

  “I know I am. But you — you can have a baby without being married. What if you were pregnant now? Would Joe marry you?”

  “He might.”

  “Yes, he might and he might not. Then where would you be? You’d be where your mother was and you couldn’t look to me for help. I believe a girl should be a virgin when she marries.”

  Rita kept on talking but Cherry didn’t listen to her. She would never be a virgin again. And if she had everything to do over she wouldn’t want to be a virgin. She had had fun with Joe and some of the others hadn’t been bad either.

  “I’m going out on the porch,” she said to Rita.

  “Don’t forget about Joe.”

  “I won’t.”

  “And don’t forget what I said. A man is part animal and you have to learn to cope with that.”

  Oscar was lying on the swing, snoring. A fly crawled across his face and his mouth moved. Cherry brushed the fly away and went over to sit on the top step. She was still sitting there when Joe came across the yard toward her.

  “Got a new car,” he said proudly.

  “I heard you were getting one.”

  “It’s a honey. Let’s take a spin.”

  “I can’t.”

  His face fell.

  “Why not?”

  “I’ve got an extra job and I have to go down there pretty soon.”

  She knew Joe. He would want to go somewhere and park. Well, she wouldn’t let him. There were other girls in the block who would be glad to give him what he wanted for a ride in a new car — or even for less.

  “Can’t you even look at it?” he asked.

  “I suppose I could,” she admitted.

  “Well, then, come on.”

  She got up and walked down the steps. It didn’t do any harm to be decent to him. Someday she might need a favor and he would be more willing.

  The car was in the driveway. It was long and solid black and had whitewall tires. It was beautiful.

  “Only seventy-three bucks a month,” Joe said. “That includes the insurance and the extra charges.”

  “Not bad.”

  “I’ll say it isn’t bad. They went overboard on the junk I had. You get a deal like this once in a lifetime.”

  She thought of marriage to Joe. He would go out and buy things and they would have to struggle to pay the bills. But why was she thinking of that? She wasn’t going to marry Joe or anybody else. She was going to make a load of cash and then she would create her future somewhere else.

  “Try the front seat.”

  He held the door for her and she got in, her skirt pulling up over her knees as she did so. The cushion was soft and deep. He slammed the door closed and came around the car to sit beside her.

  “This crate would take us to Florida,” he said. “On a honeymoon.”

  “Now, Joe.”

  “Why look at me that way? You know I want to marry you. How many times do I have to say it?”

  “Once is enough.”

  “You can’t blame me for trying.”

  “I’m not blaming you but it isn’t any good. You know what I want and how I feel. Don’t you understand?”

  He leaned back, closing his eyes.

  “There’s only one thing I understand, Cherry. I love you. I want to be married to you.”

  In that second she was sorry she didn’t feel the same way. It would all be so simple if she did. She could continue to work at the factory for a while, help to pay off some of the things, and when she did have to quit they would be able to get along on his salary. Rita had done it on Oscar’s income and they had a nice home. Joe’s people wouldn’t charge them much rent and that would be a break. She had never been upstairs in the house but it looked big and there would be lots of room.

  “It’s no use,” she said more to herself than to Joe.

  “What’s no use?”

  “Even talking about it. I’m not ready for marriage and I might not be for a long time.”

  “You just think you’re not.”

  “I know I’m not. It isn’t inside of me. It isn’t near anything I want.”

  “Yet you used to let me make love to you.”

  “Yes.”

  “There must have been something there. You wanted me as much as I wanted you. And that’s part of marriage. We know we’re good for each other that way. We know we can make each other happy.”

  She pushed the door open.

  “Let’s not talk about it, Joe. I was foolish with you. It didn’t have to mean anything. You were nice to me and I tried to be nice to you. You expected it of me and you wouldn’t have taken me out if I hadn’t let you.”

  “That isn’t fair,” he said. “You aren’t being fair to me. I’d have gone with you anyway. Sure, I wanted you, just as any man would want you, but if you had told me no I’d have taken you out just the same.”

  She had the door open on her side of the car.

  “Can’t we be friends?” she wanted to know. “Why should we argue? What good does it do?”

  “We’ve got to get things straight.”

  “They are straight. I’m not going out with you again, Joe. I’m not going to let you take chances with me. You could get me into trouble and then I’ll bet that you wouldn’t marry me. And, just as I said, I’m not ready for marriage. I want to get somewhere. I want to do something with my life.”

  “Being a wife and a mother is doing something with your life. Most girls are willing to settle for that.”

  “I’m not most girls. I’m Cherry Gordon.”

  “You’re crazy.”

  “Maybe I am. You see things your way and I see them my way. If I don’t do what I feel I have to do now I’ll never do it. A home and children can come later. I’ll never be as young again and I’ll never have the same chance. If I married you I’d feel that I was missing something and I’d never be happy. Don’t you see that, Joe?”

  “Not very well.”

  “You just don’t want to. You see only your side of it and nothing else. This car is a good example. Your other car was all right and if we were going to get married I wouldn’t want such a big monthly payment to worry about. While you’re single you can afford a new car but if you were married you couldn’t. It would be just my luck to have a baby the first year — if I’m not going to have one already �
�� and then what would we do?”

  He frowned, apparently seeing the logic of what she said.

  “I can take the car back. They might not like it but what could they do?”

  She got out of the car.

  “Don’t do that,” she said. “I was only explaining something to you.”

  He slid across the seat toward her.

  “Know something, Cherry?”

  “What?”

  “I hope you are pregnant.”

  “Oh, for heaven’s sake!”

  “I mean it. It would be good for you and it would be good for me. We would get along.”

  “I suppose you would keep me pregnant every year on the year?”

  “That’s a chance you take.”

  She smiled at him.

  “Thanks for nothing, Joe. All I’d need is four or five kids and I’d go out of my mind.”

  “Cherry — ”

  “I have to hurry. Really, Joe. I must go.”

  “Cherry — ”

  She left him there and walked across the lawn toward the house.

  He called her name again but she didn’t answer him. What was the use? In a day or so he would find another girl and he would forget her. He would find another girl who would be thrilled with his new car and who would give him what he wanted.

  She laughed a little as she climbed up the steps to the porch. Joe was no different than a lot of other boys she had known. He was out after one thing. And he wouldn’t get it from her.

  Never again.

  Chapter Six

  SHE LEFT the house early and decided to walk to the photo shop. Now that the hour neared she wasn’t sure whether she was doing the right thing or not. She had to think, had to think clearly.

  Two hundred dollars a week.

  It was a lot of money, an awful lot of money. She would expose the loveliness of her body to the camera lens and she would receive the money. But how would she feel afterward? She didn’t know.

  The avenue was dark in spots and she saw a couple kissing near a tree. She noticed, as she walked past them, that the boy’s hand was inside the front of the girl’s dress. There was a vacant lot nearby and they would probably end up there, taking their love in the blackness of the night. Cherry knew the vacant lot very well. The night of the senior prom she had gone there with a boy and another couple and they had had a lot of beer. She hadn’t been used to beer then and it had made her sleepy. The boy with her had been on the make but she had fought him off and walked home alone, ashamed of what the boy had thought of her, ashamed of having gone there with him. The next time she had gone there she’d been with another boy and she hadn’t made him stop.