I didn’t love Meghan or even like her, but I would never wish her dead.
I move closer to him, not sure what to do. If this was back in the day, I would wrap my arms around him, clutch him until he cried it out. I would know exactly what to say or do because he was the other half of my brain.
This man, I don’t know.
So, I go with the truth.
“I have a million things I want to say, but all of them sound stupid in my own head. It’s been so long and we’ve both changed. I am sorry, though.”
Derek turns to face me. “It’s been—hard. Everything is hard. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”
“I understand anger.”
More than most people. That’s typically the emotion I feel most attached to. It’s easy to be angry. To look at the world around me, wishing I had a better job, money, a house, a man who didn’t fuck me over, so being angry just feels good. It’s better than self-pity or sadness. Anger is intense and so much easier to hang on to.
“Yeah, I would assume you do.”
I was angry for a long time after Keith threatened me and I felt it was the best choice to let him off the hook. I took it out on everyone, including Derek.
“I know you don’t believe this, but Chastity…she’s truly the kindest person. She’s nothing like me as a kid, and I don’t even understand what could’ve gotten into her to say something so cruel. But know that I will not accept that behavior from her.”
“I appreciate that, but it doesn’t surprise me that Everly said anything to provoke it, if I’m being honest.”
I didn’t expect that, and then I think about what she must be going through. Losing her mother, moving to this tiny-ass town where she knows no one. I would be pissed off at the world and everyone around me.
“Regardless…”
“Yeah, regardless…”
There is so much I want to say, ask, and hold on to. As much as I was upset, the truth is, I’ve missed him. He was more than just the man I loved, he was my everything. He knew all my truths and lies. Derek was a part of my soul and when I lost him, he took it with him.
My eyes study him. He’s so different and yet the same. His hair is a little longer and has a hint of gray, but his eyes are kind and make my heart stutter. There’s a warmth under all of that hurt. I wonder if he can still see through me? Can he see that I’ve missed him? Does he know how many times I’ve wanted to call? Does he know how many times I’ve wanted him to call me?
Does he see that I love him? Not only as someone I’ve always loved but also for who he is at his core or at least who he was.
I open my mouth to say something but Mr. Beeson enters. “Have you two talked?”
Derek nods. “I think we can handle this without the school intervening. Everly was wrong to say what she did, and I’d like to give the girls the opportunity to work it out. Especially since I’m staying here permanently.”
Permanently? I’ll never be able to avoid him. I’ll have no choice but to become a damn hermit if I want to survive.
It’s clear that too much time has passed and we’ll never be friends again. Besides, how can I be friends with him when everything I’d ever felt for him is clearly very much alive?
“Are you sure?” Mr. Beeson asks. We both nod.
His lips turn to a flat smile. “I think that’s the best idea. Everly and Chastity will need to figure out a way to coexist and I’d like to not have the rest of the student body feel the need to involve themselves. Besides”—Mr. Beeson looks to both of us—“if they’re anything like their parents, they might need a little push to be great friends.”
“Well, friendships change,” Derek says, his eyes filling with regret.
“Yeah.” I sigh. “And sometimes they’re never what we thought.”
* * *
“Teagan, are you okay?” Nina asks as I sit on her couch, drinking a glass of wine.
“Huh?”
“You’re off in another world.”
I have been since I got home. Chastity is now grounded, which honestly isn’t much of a punishment at all. She’ll beat herself up about what she said enough without me having to do anything.
We’d talked about kindness in the face of cruelty although the other side of me, the mama-bear side, is proud of her. She stood up for herself.
Still, she hadn’t exactly acted like the child I raised her to be.
“I’m just…processing.”
“It was a lot today, huh?”
I look at Nina. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Do you forgive me? I mean really forgive me for how I treated you in high school?”
Nina places her glass down. “Why would you ask that?”
Because I was a wretched bitch and I hate myself for it. I wish I could go back in time, change how I was and what I thought was acceptable behavior. There’s no excuse and if I were her, I would never be nice to me. Let alone be friends with me.
“We both know I wasn’t a good person.”
“You weren’t a bad person either. You were just around people who didn’t bring out the best in you, but you weren’t mean to me.”
I huff. “Yeah, okay.”
“You weren’t! You didn’t purposely go out of your way to be a bitch.”
“But I was a bitch and now Chastity is saying shitty things that remind me all too much of myself.”
“Now you’re being silly.” Nina rolls her eyes. “That girl doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. And I’m sorry, but what Derek’s daughter said to her warranted a response. She doesn’t know you or what you’ve been through and why say it? It was meant to provoke. Chastity is kind and didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that.”
I agree with her, but it’s still hard to see her getting in trouble for something even a little like I did. My regret regarding how I treated Nina and others is something I struggle with to this day.
“Still, I was not a great person and I want to say I’m sorry—again. I’m so sorry.”
Nina and I have had this talk many times. I know I’m not the same person I was back then. Not even close, and she’s over it, but there’s still times I feel her holding back. I don’t blame her. I wish I had a way to make it up to her. I should’ve never listened to my friends back then. I called her names and I’m not proud of my behavior.
I didn’t really change until I became friends with Derek.
“Stop apologizing, Tea. We were kids. You were not even half as mean as Lori or Kelly were. Those girls I’d like to see tarred and feathered, but you were kind.”
“When no one was looking.”
“You’re so upset with yourself at sixteen. The bigger question isn’t whether I’ve forgiven you.” Nina pauses, waiting for me to look at her. “It’s whether you’ve forgiven yourself.”
“I don’t know that I ever can.”
She touches my arm. “Then my forgiveness, which I granted you a million years ago, means nothing. None of us are like that anymore. It would be ridiculous to hold on to all that for this long. Plus, you’ve atoned for your mistakes, don’t you think?”
“Just…it feels like time is going in reverse.”
“Because Derek is back?”
That’s probably exactly why. I see him and now I’m thrown back in time. How we would sneak out, hang out at the beach for hours talking about a future neither of us ever lived.
Derek made me believe I was good.
He made it sound so easy to leave behind the parts of myself I didn’t like. When I was with him, I felt…real.
I didn’t have to hide my fears because he didn’t make me.
Now he’s back and everything inside of me is unsettled.
“You should’ve seen him, Nina,” I say with a wistful sigh. “He was…the same and then not.”
“I can’t believe his wife died. Do you know how?”
“I don’t. We didn’t really talk much.”
She squeezes my hand. “You
guys have a lot that probably needs to be said. You know, like how you were in love with him and he broke you.”
Each time I thought the time was right, it wasn’t. I was with Keith. He was with some other girl. Then, when I was finally ready, I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t care about his relationship with Meghan because it was supposed to be me. At least, that’s what I thought. I was young, dumb, and naive, but I wanted that. I felt like, if he could just see me as more than a friend, the rest would be so easy. It was right there in front of us.
Then, everything in my world came to a halt.
“There’s really nothing to say anymore.”
“Really?”
“What exactly would I say at this point? Hi, I was in love with you since I was seventeen but I was too big of a chicken shit to ever tell you and see if you felt the same way. Then, you broke my heart in a million fucking pieces when you married Meghan.” I sigh with a shake of my head. “He chose her, Nina. He knew…he had to have known. There’s no way he didn’t see that I was madly in love with him.”
She leans back, watching me as tears start to form. “So you think he knew and didn’t care?”
The tidal wave of emotion crashes over me. The current is so strong and the more I fight against it, the more it’s pulling me under. Right now, my legs are tired from kicking, trying to get out for the last thirteen years.
“No. He chose who he wanted in his life, which says everything I already knew…I wasn’t the one.”
Chapter Eight
Derek
Eighteen years old
“I hate college.”
“Everyone hates their first year of college.”
“No, but I really hate it,” I tell Teagan as we’re wrapped up in a blanket back in Chincoteague.
It’s freezing, but I don’t care, I have my best friend with me and life makes sense.
“You only hate it because I’m not there with you.” She nudges me and then rests her head on my shoulder.
If she only knew how true that statement was. We’re only a few hours away from each other, but it feels like an entire ocean separates us. In high school, it was so easy to see her every day.
I miss her.
“So transfer schools,” I encourage her. She’ll never do it, but I can’t help but ask.
“You transfer schools.”
“We both know I can’t.”
The scholarship I got was highly competitive. My tuition is practically nothing compared to everyone else in the veterinary program. While my family isn’t poor, we’re not loaded either. Dad came out of his college with enough loans to drown in and my mother works for him. They’ve saved a little for me, but not nearly enough to cover the costs.
“I know, but I miss you.”
Sometimes, when she says it, I can almost pretend she means it in a different way. Then I remember she’s with Keith and slap myself out of that delusion.
“I miss you too.”
She sighs and snuggles closer. “I’m freezing.”
“Well, it’s December.”
“We really need to pick a new spot to meet at.”
Never. This spot is where our friendship formed. “Not likely.”
Teagan lifts her head and smiles. “It’s special to me too. This is where you realized what an amazing person I am and how lucky you are to have me.”
“Is that so?”
She’s correct, but I’ll never give her a win that easily.
“Yup. You had no idea I was this extraordinary, did you?”
“Nope. I still don’t either.”
“Liar.”
I shake my head. “Did you ever think that you’re the lucky one out of this friendship?”
Her eyes sparkle in the moonlight. “I know I am.”
And it’s moments like this, when she’s not the perfect cheerleader or student, that she takes my breath away. She looks at me as though I’m the one person in the world who makes her happy, and I don’t know how to keep fighting against wanting more.
“I was thinking…” I start.
“That’s scary.”
I laugh once. “Shut up. I’m serious. I was thinking about what it would be like if…” I want to say: we dated. The words are on the tip of my tongue, desperate to get out, but then the fear becomes too much.
This is Teagan, my best friend, and I don’t want to lose her.
“If…?”
“If we were at the same school.”
She purses her lips and moves my arm to go over her shoulder. “It would be the end of me and Keith, that’s for sure.”
“Yeah, God knows we wouldn’t want to upset him.”
Like I give a shit about Keith. Stupid asshole.
“Stop, you know he’s just jealous…and an idiot.”
He’s completely undeserving of her. She’s a prize and he’s a thief that’s stealing something that shouldn’t belong to him.
“Yet…you’re still dating him.”
Teagan grumbles. “I know, but it’s freshman year and I figure if I can get through the next year, then I can dump him.”
Her logic is ridiculous. “You need mental help.”
“So you’ve told me…many times.”
And she never listens.
“Besides, it’s not like I have anyone else beating down my door.”
I would. I would tear the door off the hinges if I wasn’t worried about her rejecting me. Instead of taking the chance, I stay where it’s safe.
Teagan twists, pulling the blanket over her shoulders, and faces me.
“Tea!” It’s fucking freezing. “Share the blanket!”
“Tell me something real,” she says as she stares at me.
Not this game. Not now.
I can’t do it.
“Tea.” I say her name as a warning.
“I’ll give you the blanket back, but I want something real.”
I’m freezing and my head is fucked-up with thoughts of her eyes and her lips are close. “I can’t think…I’m frozen.”
She grins. “Try.”
I love you.
There, that’s my something real. I love her and I know it’s crazy and stupid, but I do. I dream about kissing her. I think about the way her lips would fit with mine. How she would feel in my arms as I held her tight. My nights are filled with fantasies of making love to her until we both can’t take any more. I love her and I will never tell her.
Because she’s not mine. She’s someone else’s.
My teeth start to chatter when the cold air hits me. “I really want that blanket back,” I say as my something real.
“No way, buddy! You can’t cheat!”
“Then you give me something real and I’ll give you one, if I don’t die of hypothermia.”
“Fine,” Teagan tosses back with a hint of anger. “I really don’t ever want to know what life is like without you in it.”
I’m stunned. I literally can’t move or speak. I have so much I want to say back to her because it’s as though she and I might actually be on the same wavelength. A few years ago, it wasn’t anything more than friendship for me.
Sure, she was gorgeous, but we were always just friends. All I wanted was for her to see that she was more than her popularity.
The joke was on me, though. I saw it. I saw how special she was. I saw her donate her time to helping others during the food drive and then again with a fisherman who needed help with his boat. She didn’t know how to fix an engine, but Teagan read every manual she could. I saw how much she wanted others to see her for who she really was but was too afraid of the way it would change her world.
Then, I saw her stop caring about her fears and embrace the woman she was, making it impossible not to fall for her.
“Derek?” Teagan says my name slowly. “You okay?”
“Yeah, sorry.”
“I was worried maybe you froze to death…like Jack and Rose.”
I roll my eyes. Only she would make that stupid movie referenc
e at a time like this. “That fucking movie.”
“You love it. I know you cried.”
“I cried because it was three hours of my life I’ll never get back.”
Teagan steps forward and wraps the blanket around me, hugging me at the same time. “More like sixty hours, since I made you watch it every day.”
The things we do for the girl we want but can never have.
“You make me smile,” I say without thinking.
Her eyes lift, meeting mine with curiosity so deep. “What?”
“That’s my something real. You make me smile.”
To that, her lips turn into a huge grin. “I’m glad we were forced to become friends.”
“Me too.”
She snuggles into my chest and I rest my chin on the top of her head. “I miss you, Der. So much.”
I swear I hear her sniffle, but she coughs quickly after that so I’m not sure. “I miss you too, but we’re never really apart.”
“No, I guess not.”
I lean back, press my finger under her chin, and lift it. “You will never have to know what it’s like not to have me, not unless you decide I’m too much of a pain.”
She smiles softly, the moonlight shining down on us. “Never.”
She’s my something real. Hell, she’s my everything that matters.
Chapter Nine
Derek
Present
“You will not behave like this!” I tell Everly as she rolls her eyes.
“Whatever.”
“I’m serious. You don’t know these people. You show up and the first day you decide to be nasty just because?”
Everly picks at her nails and then slams her hands on her bed. “You moved me here! You! You don’t get to tell me that I have to be nice to some dork! She actually thought I would sit with her? Please. Like I want to be friends with the losers on day one? No thank you.”
When did my sweet girl with big brown eyes and a smile that could melt even the coldest of hearts turn into this?
While I would love to say her newfound nasty attitude started when Meghan died, that would be a lie. She was already becoming this creature I didn’t recognize before then; I think her mother’s death sped up the transformation. Suddenly, Everly had every excuse to be mad. I watched her go from one extreme to another, unable to help stop her anger.
All I Ask Page 5