“Mom, please.” Chastity stands. “Please, I really don’t care. He doesn’t care about me and I don’t even think about him.”
Protecting her has been the only thing I’ve ever given a shit about. “I’m sorry,” I say to her. “I’m sorry that you have to deal with anything regarding him.”
“Well, you made that her reality when you got pregnant.” My mother’s words feel like a slap across the face.
I start to say something, to defend myself, and demand that she stop this. I can take the fault for a lot, but I’m tired of the blame for getting pregnant being completely on me.
My father clears his throat. “I think we all need to calm down. Meredith”—he turns to my mother—“Teagan has done a good job raising Chastity, we should at least acknowledge that much. She’s handled her situation better than most and I, for one, am proud of her.”
“Yes, but think of how much easier it would’ve been if she hadn’t pushed Keith away.”
I shove out from the table. “I need a few minutes,” I say as I get to my feet. “Please excuse me.”
“Mom.”
“No, it’s fine.” Her brown eyes, the ones that match her piece-of-shit father’s, stare back at me. I see the displeasure in them and give her a reassuring smile. My daughter shouldn’t feel bad. “I’m okay. I just need…to think.”
I don’t wait for a reply, I head out the back door and go to the only place I can ever feel any sort of peace…the beach.
* * *
I wish I had my paint. There are so many emotions at war inside of me and painting is my vessel that allows me to extract them. It’s cathartic to feel pain and paint with red to emulate the hurt. Each color gives a visible voice to what I feel.
I need to find my voice.
My house is close and I rush there, grabbing the canvas and paints, not looking at what I grab, not caring because every color on the rainbow is appropriate.
I’m moving quickly, needing that release because if I don’t, I might burst.
Painting has calmed me since I started. It was something Nina talked me into trying a few years ago, but it quickly became my form of therapy.
I get to the shoreline, tossing my supplies on the blanket, and sit.
With my eyes closed, I grab a color.
Blue.
How appropriate, since I’m feeling quite blue.
As soon as I dip the paint, my world shifts. I’m transported to where I can just…be.
The color glides against the canvas, creating another variation of the ocean I always paint.
Each time, the hues are different, the lights shining off the water in a different way, but the perspective is always the same.
I’m in the ocean, looking at the shore, wondering where in this great big world I fit.
I don’t know how long I’m here. Time is irrelevant, but the sun is setting and the air is chilling.
“We have to stop running into each other this way.” Derek’s voice a little way back causes me to jump.
Shit. I quickly try to clean up what I was doing. There are only two people in the world who know I paint…Chastity and Nina. It’s something that’s mine and I’ve never wanted to share it. I dump the paints and dirty brush in the bag. “I was here first.”
He’s at the beginning of the dunes and it’ll take him maybe thirty seconds to get here. I get the bulk of things put away, but I don’t know what to do with the canvas. I really love the blues and purples in this one and don’t want to ruin it and yet I don’t want him to see it.
I turn my head and see him closer than I thought. Jesus, is he running?
I stand, put the canvas against my knees, and wrap my blanket around me, hoping it doesn’t completely screw it up.
“You were here first, but you were always good about sharing.”
“It’s a big beach, you know?”
“I do.”
“And yet you keep finding the exact spot I’m at.” I purse my lips, wondering why that is. I specifically chose a little farther down the shore for this reason. I truly wanted solitude and to just…paint.
Right now, my emotions are too raw and close to the surface to be around anyone.
“Maybe I was looking for you…”
So many freaking times I wanted to hear that or something like that. I wanted him to find me, fix me, love me, but he never did.
It was stupid and immature, but when it came to Derek, I hoped, because he always came through for me.
“And why would you be looking for me?”
“Because I figure the more times I see you, the less awkward it will be.”
I nod once. “Well, okay then.”
Not sure that it’ll ever be that way, but we can hope. Our lives were on a course, and then we took a detour, but never ended up back on the same road. I don’t know that our friendship can be salvaged, which is sad, since he’s still the best friend I ever had. Even though Nina is a close second, it’s not the same.
“Truth?” he asks after a second.
“Always.”
Derek runs his hand through his hair, which used to be his nervous habit. “I’m struggling.”
My chest aches because I don’t like to see him hurting. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m completely fucking up this parenting thing.”
I laugh because I can relate. “We’re all throwing spaghetti at the wall to find out if it’s done, only to watch it fall off. Parenting, from what I’ve learned so far, is trial by fire.”
I’m in a constant state of anxiety and pretty much always wrong. There’s all these books, advice columns, and people who will offer infinite amounts of crappy wisdom that doesn’t work.
“Good to know.”
“I’m saying you’re not alone and you had a wife, who probably did a lot more than you knew.”
Derek sighs, letting me know I was right. “Everly hates me. And sometimes—okay, often—it feels like she’s purposely trying to make my life a living hell.”
“She’s a teenager. That’s her sole mission. And from what I’ve heard, your daughter seems to be a bit less like you and more like…”
“You!” He says with a laugh. “She’s you!”
I try not to take that as an insult, but looking back at myself at thirteen…it’s not a compliment.
“Well, I think I turned out all right after fucking things up pretty good. There’s hope.”
“From what my parents say about Chastity, you’ve done pretty amazing.”
“Yes, well, you didn’t think that when we were at the school.”
His laugh is soft. “I was pissed. My father and mother told me how she volunteers at the clinic. Then, Nina was raving about how smart she is. Not to mention the people in town talk about what a great kid she is when I’m doing vet calls.”
His compliment washes over me and I try not to smile like an idiot. I’ve done the best I can. Chastity is a smart, kind, and giving kid. She’s filled with sarcasm and fire, but uses it only at me. I think she’s beautiful, even if she doesn’t, and she won’t waste her life away like I did.
“So you talk about me when you’re on vet calls?” I ask.
“Anytime I see anyone they bring us up or ask if I’ve seen you. I’m proud of you, Tea. You’re raising her with very little help and I’ve got my parents and I’m floundering.”
“I know you’re a little in over your head, but you’ll find your footing.” I let out a little giggle. “Just in time for the floor to move and you’re wobbling again.”
“Great.”
“Yeah, I love my daughter more than anything in the world. I wouldn’t give her up for anything, but since Chastity came along, I never feel like I have it together—ever. I doubt myself constantly and not a damn thing goes smoothly. There is nothing more rewarding or scary than being a single parent.”
I shift a little and the canvas falls. Shit. I rub my hand over my face and groan.
“What’s that?”
“Nothing.” I
try to shift to hide the painting again. There are some secrets that a woman should be allowed.
“No, there’s something on your face,” he says as he steps closer. He reaches his hand toward me and I freeze. I’m not even sure that I’m breathing because I don’t trust myself completely.
Derek and I were never afraid of being physical when we were younger. We were always snuggling up together, hugging, and whatnot, but it’s been years. It’s been so long that I don’t know how to keep myself in check. I no longer have the shell that I built up to protect me. And now I know…there was something between us all along. How do I fight him now? How do I protect myself because while Derek hurt me once, we were just friends then. This time, knowing what I know now, losing him would destroy me. My heart wouldn’t recover.
Not to mention, while there might be this illusion of something more, it could never work. There’s been too much time that’s passed and whatever feelings we might have had before aren’t real now.
We don’t even know each other anymore.
His finger lightly grazes my cheek and my skin burns from his touch. What is wrong with me? His wife died not too long ago and I’m standing here with my heart pounding. I shouldn’t be relishing the idea of his touch. I should be completely immune because my feelings for him have changed.
Haven’t they?
As quick and monumental as the touch is, it’s gone just as fast.
“Paint?” Derek asks as he smudges the blue between his fingers. “Why do you have paint on your hands?”
“No idea.”
“Really?”
I can either lie to him or fess up and lose my secret.
Lie it is.
“I must’ve touched something at the store.”
Derek’s brow rises, just the one, letting me know he clearly didn’t buy it. “And after sitting out here for how long…it’s still wet on your hand?”
“It could happen.”
“It could, but it’s not very likely.”
Now his curiosity is probably piqued. Sure enough, he looks down at the ground and tries to see around me. I shift, trying to keep it hidden, but that gave it away, and now I’m so screwed.
Derek acts as though he’s going to move to the right and I move that way to block him, but he adjusts quickly and reaches to the left, grabbing the canvas.
“Please…”
I’m not sure what I’m asking him. It could be please don’t, please tell me you love it, please don’t judge me, or please give it back and we’ll never speak of it.
But what I really mean is, please give me back my heart.
Chapter Seventeen
Teagan
Present
“This is amazing, you painted these?” Derek asks as he stands in what I pretend is a gallery, which is really a closet in the back of my parents’ store that they don’t use and never go in. This is my safe place. It’s where I hang my paintings to dry. My favorite ones are still hanging because I can’t bring myself to take them down.
“I did.”
“I can’t believe how beautiful these are, Tea.”
There was no getting out of telling him once he grabbed the painting, although it had sand on it and wasn’t exactly a beach scene anymore. However, as imperfect as it is, I’m sort of in love with it.
It’s messy, much like my life. It has texture—I’ve never thought to add sand to the paint before—but it’s also still vibrant.
“You don’t have to lie,” I say with a bit of nervous energy. “I know they’re amateur and not that great, but painting is my outlet.”
“Why do you think I’m lying?”
“Because you’re not cruel and don’t want to tell me they’re shit.”
His eyes go back to the painting. “I’m not lying, Teagan, they’re really beautiful. I haven’t seen paintings with this perspective before. Have you ever tried to sell any?”
Or maybe he is cruel. “No. No one even knows I do this. This is my hobby that I don’t talk about, and now that you know what I was hiding, we can never speak of it again.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why do you always do that?” he grumbles.
“Do what?”
“That!” Derek says with a growl. “You answer questions with a question—still. I figured you would’ve grown out of it by now.”
I grin, liking that it irritates him. I don’t even realize I do it. It’s just easier than trying to guess and be wrong. If people were more forward and didn’t beat around the bush, I wouldn’t have to keep asking them to clarify.
“It’s a habit.” I shrug.
“Yeah, it’s annoying.”
“So is you pointing it out.”
Derek huffs but I catch his grin. “Well…too bad.”
This is the first time it feels a little like old times. He’s giving me shit and I’m giving it right back.
“So what did Everly do that is making you question your life choices?” I ask as he stands in front of one painting for too long.
“I don’t stand for bullying and I heard her”—he shifts uncomfortably—“on the phone…making plans.”
It’s not hard to guess what—or who—the plans are for. “She’s trying to make her place in the pack.”
“Excuse me?”
“You’re a vet, you should get what I’m saying.”
Derek rubs his temples and I try not to laugh at him. “You mean they’re a pack of animals?”
He has no idea. “Wolves would’ve been my first choice of words, but yes. Teenage girls, well, the bitchy ones, tend to live in a pack mentality. Remember me with Lori and Kelly?”
“Oh, how I wish I could forget.”
We were truly awful and I hate when I look back at myself during that time. I can only hope that Everly is more like me and less like Kelly. She was the orchestrator of it all. Each horrible thing came from her devious mind.
“Well, what were the plans for Chastity?”
“You don’t want to know.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, the best way to beat them is to know the plan. Can you imagine if every person Kelly wanted to destroy knew beforehand? They could’ve taken countermeasures.”
Derek takes a step closer. “I squashed it. You don’t have to worry.”
“That’s not likely.”
“Seriously, I wouldn’t let it happen.”
He is cute that he thinks he has that type of control. “Still, I think the more information the better. Do you want to see Chastity caught up in this? Don’t you think she’s endured enough?”
Whether he tells me or not, I’m going to prepare my daughter.
“Of course she has.” He sighs and moves back. “It’s just that so has my daughter and I’m not going to betray her.”
I can understand that, but I’m in the same boat. “And what about protecting my daughter?”
“I would never hurt your daughter or let Everly hurt her,” Derek says with conviction. “I need you to trust me.”
Trust. That word means so much. “Once upon a time I did trust you, and we’re a long way from that right now.”
“I know and I’m sorry. I think you need to have some blind faith then. I really like Chastity. She’s a smart girl, by the way. Way smarter than even you were back then. I enjoyed having her assist me today.”
I forgot that today was the first time she worked with him. She’s been going over there, doing tasks for his father, but she told me that Derek was who she shadowed today. I had to bite my tongue to keep from asking a million questions.
Was he nice to her?
Was he funny?
Did he ask her about me?
Did he smell nice?
The last one was way over the line of appropriate to ask my teenage daughter, so I figured it was probably best to not ask anything and let her lead the conversation.
“Yeah, I hope she’s smarter than me in every possible way. She loves animals and would happily be with them
more than people.”
“I can see that. She helped clean out more crap in those stalls than I would’ve at her age and still asked to stay a little longer to play with the animals.”
I smile to myself. “Reminds me of someone else I used to know.”
“Well, I didn’t have a choice. I grew up on a zoo thanks to my dad.”
“But you loved the animals.”
He nods. “I still do.”
It’s crazy how much Chastity is like him in some ways. “I feel like our kids were switched at birth, don’t you?”
Derek lets out a small laugh. “You’d think, considering how close we were and how well I could manage you, that I’d do a better job with her,” he says and then his eyes go back to the painting.
I walk up behind him, allowing myself to look over his shoulder to see which he’s fixated on.
Of course it would be that painting.
I remember that one so distinctly. I painted it on my thirty-first birthday. It had been years since I had allowed myself to remember him in any sort of wistful way. I learned that thinking about him only made me sad.
But that birthday was different.
I was so lonely. We had made a pact that if by our thirtieth birthdays we weren’t married, we would marry each other.
It was stupid and it never really would happen, but there I was, seventeen again and laughing with him after prom.
I sat at the beach for four hours. With each stroke of my brush, a tear would fall, mourning the loss of him over and over. All the feelings of sadness I’d pushed aside washed over me. I was sitting, watching the waves crest and retreat, painting them with the sun from a different angle.
He turns, our eyes lock on each other, and my heart begins to race. He looks at me like he’s seeing straight through my heart.
Derek doesn’t say anything. He watches, searching deeper inside of my soul than I give him permission to. It unnerves me and I feel exposed.
Too many feelings fill me.
All I Ask Page 10