When We Have Wings

by Claire Corbett

  ‘No-one knows,’ said Niko. ‘I suspect they’ve lost language. I don’t know what sort of communication they have with each other but I guess they have some.’

  ‘If no-one knows anything,’ said Raf, ‘how come you’re so sure? How do you know so much?’

  Niko glanced at Finch, who shook her head slightly.

  ‘Oh come on,’ said Jay, still pacing. He’d worn a dark path into the sandy clearing. ‘Fucking tell them, Pale Male.’

  Niko sighed loudly and opened his wings a little, rattling his feathers. Angry, downturned lines appeared around his thin lips. ‘Fine. You want to know? I’ll tell you. Most of you have only been with Audax for six months or so. There’ve been other cohorts of young fliers before you. You come, learn what you need to know, or what you think you need to know, and you go. Finch and I have been part of Audax since the beginning and have stayed out here, on and off, for four years. Four years. We’ve spent months at a time away from here, usually back in the City, and we’ve been lucky enough to have Jay with us for a year. But Finch and I weren’t the only ones with Audax from the beginning. There was one other.’

  Finch was staring at Niko, her eyes shiny; she was holding them open as wide as she could, as if trying to stop tears from spilling over the rim.

  Raf sat very straight, arms folded across his chest.

  ‘I don’t need to say more,’ said Niko. ‘We lost Hoshi. We lost her and we couldn’t get her back. We don’t know why.’

  After a moment Jay said, ‘Many Wild are solitary, Niko. It’s likely this one is. That could explain why he took the risk of scrounging from us.’

  Niko looked down at one of his wings and inspected a feather closely. ‘Could be,’ he said. Then he raised his head again. ‘You don’t know what it’s like,’ he said, looking past the younger fliers. ‘You can’t begin to imagine. A friend, someone you know so well. And they’re just . . . gone. Her face, those delicate features, but it’s staring at you blankly, filthy matted hair all tangled around her head. She’d been so clean. Fastidious as a cat.’

  Jay stopped pacing and looked over at Finch. ‘We can agree then,’ he said, ‘on a plan. It is proposed that we do not abandon Heavener. Not yet. We have three objectives. First, we secure the perimeter of our camp far more tightly; I’ll organise the roster of patrols, sweeps and sentries. Second, we need more intelligence. All our training flights from now on are also recon flights. It is critical we find out the status of this Wild; is he alone, was he just passing through and so on. If he’s solitary and still hanging around, I will develop the strategy for getting rid of him.’

  Jay glanced at Niko. ‘I will not intend to kill him,’ he said. ‘But his personal safety is not my primary goal.’

  ‘And our third objective?’ said Niko, speaking even more quietly than Jay.

  ‘We prepare to evacuate at a moment’s notice. That plan will be triggered the instant we have evidence of more than one Wild.’

  A murmur of approval rippled through the fliers and they all turned their faces to Niko. At last, he nodded.

  ‘From now on,’ said Jay, sweeping his arm around the circle, ‘none of you does anything alone. You want to go for a solo flight, you take someone. You need to get up at night for a piss, you take someone. And we are all armed at all times.’

  No-one felt much like flying that morning, Peri sensed. Raf and Niko set out on the first reconnaissance patrol but their faces were hard, with none of their usual enthusiasm. Before Niko left, Peri overheard him say to Jay, It’s all very well doubling the watch but that one got past our lookouts. Peri didn’t hear Jay’s reply but both men looked grim.

  Peri and Hugo, Phoebe, Wren and Leto stayed on the river flat. Finch sat on her own a little to one side, working on her slick. Jay disappeared on a mission of his own before Peri, desperate to speak with him, could catch his attention. It was clear Jay didn’t think his order that they stay together applied to him. He obviously felt that he was more than a match for any Wild on his own.

  The fliers talked a little or dozed, close together, conserving their energy. Hugo felt the group’s anxiety, or more likely hers, Peri thought, and clung to her. ‘Mama ’ug,’ he said urgently, raising his arms to be picked up whenever she put him down. ‘Mama ’ug.’ Good thing Avis wasn’t around to hear him. She’d been obsessed with teaching Hugo to call her that. The rare times Avis had spent with him she’d kept up a constant stream of Look, here’s mama, see, mama’s bringing you your juice, you love your mama, don’t you? But not only had Hugo not called her that, he’d never called her anything. Now here they were, his first words aside from ‘awk!’ for bird and ‘ooo’ for moon, his first sentence, two words he’d heard often but never put together in just that way. His own words. Mama ’ug.

  Peri held Hugo close till he dozed off.

  An hour passed before Peri and the others heard the whirr of wings above them. They froze.

  ‘Relax,’ said Finch. ‘It’s Jay and Griffon.’ She turned her attention back to her slick.

  They splashed down and then Jay stood for a few moments up to his waist in the pool of clear brown river sliding over leaves and stones, dashing water over his hair, his face, his arms and wings, the drops rolling off his feathers. The river smelled of tea and mud and medicinal leaves, fresh and sharp.

  ‘See anything?’ called out Phoebe. Griffon shook his head as he waded towards the group.

  Peri walked down to the water’s edge, balancing Hugo on his feet. He wanted to walk and she took his hands; they trod the wet sand together. Each step of Hugo’s was so tender and deliberate, she felt her heart move each time he planted a tiny foot, five-petalled flower, onto the ground. Peri’s cheeks burned; she was conscious of Jay’s eyes on her as she circled in the sand with Hugo.

  Jay was on his own and she must not miss this opportunity to speak with him. She hesitated, not daring to ask what she most needed to know. The other fliers were still too close, though she doubted they could hear her as long as she kept her voice low.

  ‘You don’t seem to have any difficulties with money or supplies,’ Peri began, as she watched Jay help himself to food from the larder.

  Jay looked back at her, his handsome face austere. ‘No,’ he said. ‘All our people have plenty of money. From well-off families, as you’d expect. Except for me. And you.’

  ‘Aren’t their families worried about them?’ She glanced sidelong to where Griffon had joined the others further along the river flat.

  ‘Sure, but what can they do? Essence of golden youth, isn’t it, to be careless? To have no idea how much you’ve cost others?’

  Oh, wouldn’t it be wonderful to have someone, somewhere, who worried about me? Someone who was looking for me—not to kill me, but to make sure I was safe. Someone who’d be thrilled if I showed up on their doorstep. Someone who loved me. What would that be like? It’s so easy to hate Leto and Phoebe and Griffon and Rafael, they’re all so shining, carefree, loved. They can risk it all. They don’t value that love because they’ve never questioned it, never worried about losing it. They can treat their families as badly as they like, then show up at any time, be welcomed back with love. I wanted to give Hugo that certainty, not to expose him, alone, to the indifference I’ve known my whole life.

  Jay was looking at Peri as if he knew her thoughts. ‘We have a lot in common, don’t we?’ he said in his soft, clipped way, the precision of his speech reminding her a little of the way Havoc talked. Peri looked at him. ‘It’s something the others will never understand,’ he said, ‘but we do. What it’s like to sacrifice the very stuff of our own lives for wings.’

  Peri ducked her head, not wanting Jay to see the tears in her eyes. She led Hugo to a tree and they explored the trunk together, patting the curling bark, stroking the soft leaves. She ran her hands over the tanned skin of Hugo’s arms and legs, pausing when she came acr
oss a rash of red welts on his leg. Sandflies? A poisonous plant? She sat Hugo down on the sand in front of her and checked him thoroughly, keeping an eye on Jay.

  Hugo looked a little taller and leaner since she had taken him away with her, less of a baby, more a child. Peri ran her hands through his hair, looking for ticks. Nothing. She’d picked a leech off him earlier and he scratched at that spot, blood still streaking his leg. She checked his hands and feet. The satiny skin had small scratches, bruises. Hugo crowed with delight as she tickled under his chin gently. He reached out, trying to tickle her chin in return.

  Jay waded out of the water, shook himself and unfurled his great wings in a billowing rush of air. They glinted bronze in the strengthening sun and Peri caught her breath. No statue, no towering golden icon, could capture his moving, breathing magnificence. The Raptor was massive, dazzling, the closest she would ever be to a living god.

  ‘I have to talk to you,’ said Peri.

  Jay turned to her, still shaking water off his wings in the warm light. ‘I know. If you want to speak to me right now, you’ll have to come with me on a recon flight. I’ve only searched the south-east sector so far this morning and I need to cover all the other sectors today. Leave Hugo with Finch.’

  Jay and Peri flew at the same height a few metres apart. Jay had mentally divided the northern sector they were now searching into a grid and they covered each grid square quickly and methodically. The sky was quiet, clouds sketched monochrome against blue like blots of water-thinned ink.

  Jay was carrying his crossbow, drawn and loaded, but Peri’s was still clipped into its soft case next to the quiver belted to her waist. Before they’d left Heavener, Jay had taken her aside, well out of Hugo’s sight, and given Peri her own crossbow. ‘This is self-cocking with a sixty-kilo draw,’ he’d said. ‘It’s good for women and smaller men. You said before that you can use one of these but I want to see for myself. So, we’ll do some target practice before we go up.’

  ‘Yours is bigger,’ Peri had said, marvelling over the lightness of the lethal little weapon in her hands as she stood facing the targets Jay had set up among the trees.

  ‘Of course it’s fucking bigger,’ Jay had snapped. ‘This is a military rifle crossbow with a hundred-and-fifty-kilo draw, accurate over long distances. It’s an offensive semi-automatic weapon with fibre-optic sights and silencer. Yours will get you out of trouble; it’s for smaller game, target practice and self-defence. It will wound, even kill, but mine is a serious bastard; it’s for hunting big game.’

  ‘Like Wild?’ said Peri. ‘Other Raptors?’

  Jay didn’t answer. He took Peri’s arm and guided her into the correct position.

  ‘Fire,’ he said.

  Now Peri looked down, scanning the grey-green valleys below them. ‘I have to go, Jay,’ she said. ‘You have to let me go. You can’t guarantee my safety or Hugo’s here.’

  ‘True. The difficulty is that I can’t guarantee your safety if you leave right now either.’

  ‘I don’t think I should go with you to the winter roost if you do have to leave.’

  ‘No,’ said Jay, who was now spiralling down in a long shallow gyre. ‘Definitely not. You have to face your future. Now, follow me. We’ve done a sector-wide sweep and it all looks good from on high but now we drop down and really hunt. We’re looking for any sign of a large animal. Flattened grass, broken branches, discarded kills, big, ragged nests, anything. Wild are messy. They don’t keep eyries or home ranges with any kind of discipline.’

  Not like us. There’s never a scrap of litter around camp. Suddenly it was clear why Jay had forbidden soap except in basins which were tipped out on the ground well away from the river. No telltale foam to dirty the water falling from Heavener’s escarpment. From the air Heavener looked untouched. Truly wild.

  Jay skimmed fast over the trees and Peri followed, working hard to match Jay’s speed.

  ‘Have you worked out what you’re going to do?’ he asked.

  Peri sped up, unsure whether the surge of power in her veins and muscles was driven by excitement or fear. Jay was right. She couldn’t put off her future any longer.

  ‘I told you, I’m going to kill Peter.’

  Jay turned his head to look at her.

  He doesn’t believe me. Understandable. Do I believe myself or am I just saying this to get him to help me?

  ‘Come on, Peri. I get why you’d want to, after what he’s done, but—’

  ‘Jay, you don’t understand. It’s not about what I feel. It’s not about revenge. Well, mostly not about revenge. It’s practical. You’re a soldier. Tell me, what do you do with an enemy?’

  ‘You kill him. You don’t frighten him. You don’t hurt him. You kill him. First rule of war.’

  ‘Yes. That’s it, isn’t it?’

  ‘Peter is not just your enemy,’ said Jay. ‘He’s the father of your child. And the City is not a war zone.’

  ‘It’s not? Jay, Peter sent a Raptor after me, he tried to dispose of me; he’s the one who raised the stakes so high and I will not be safe anywhere unless I do one of two things: take action so extreme that Peter will never threaten me again or hand Hugo over, just give him up, forever, and that I cannot do. So help me. How do I deal with Peter so Hugo and I can be safe?’

  Jay thought. ‘I see why you’re frightened,’ he said. ‘I saw what Peter sent after you. I know what Raptors can do. I saved you, dressed your injuries, and I could just about kill Peter myself for what he’s done. My concern is not for him; it’s for you. You don’t comprehend the forces you plan to unleash. I know about violence, I’m the only one here who does; it can be effective, though people love to tell you it’s not because that’s what they want to believe. But it’s tricky. Often its results are not what you planned. The important thing is not to be caught. You’re no use to Hugo if you’re in jail.’

  ‘So, you’ll help me?’

  ‘I’ll think about it, Peri.’

  A ridge to the north of Heavener loomed before them. Jay slowed, dropping below the ridgeline so that they would not be blown over the top. The ridgelift welled beneath them as they flew along the wall of creamy red-gold sandstone striated with dark lines of trees. Jay peered at the rock face, looking for ledges and caves.

  After the recon flight Jay brought Peri down into a grassy clearing she’d never seen before. ‘Oh,’ she said as he laid her down. He took her quickly. ‘Jay,’ she breathed. ‘Oh, oh.’ He turned her over and made her spread her wings so he could enter her that way. She held onto the grass underneath her; he gripped her shoulder and bent her back, holding her still as he pushed into her. When he finished he pulled her to her feet. Still raw and quivering, she thought of Jay’s fierce arguments with Niko that morning, of the fear coursing through all of them and of how heavy the burden of their security must feel to him now. No wonder he was so much rougher, his mood so much darker, than last night.

  Jay pulled Peri close and kissed her hair. He circled her wrist with his thumb and forefinger and lifted her arm. Peri blinked. Jay was unclipping the grey bracelet.

  ‘You’re free,’ he said.

  Oh. Suddenly she was ferociously jealous of Shaheen, linked to Jay every moment by her bells.

  A few days after Peri had asked Jay to help her, he lay with her longer than usual after they were together. He rolled to the side a little, sparing her his weight, but kept her pinned beneath him as he looked down at her, studying her face.

  ‘I’ve thought about what you asked me,’ Jay said. ‘And I’ve given you time to think. You still determined to go ahead?’

  Peri nodded.

  Maybe I’ve convinced him I would really do this. Do I know myself how far I’m willing to go?

  Jay’s mouth folded into a straight line.

  ‘Do you have a better strategy?’

  ‘No. J
ust the obvious. Legal advice, that route.’

  ‘You can’t guarantee that will work.’

  Jay stared at her. ‘Of course not. And killing, you think that comes with a guaranteed outcome?’

  ‘You going to help me or not, Jay?’

  ‘I’ve spoken to Niko about this and there is a way, I think, to be almost sure, as sure as anything can be, that you’d get away with it. SkyNation is coming up in just over a week. You could plan to leave here in time to reach the City for that. By then I should know how things stand here and I could escort you as far as the coast, make sure you and Hugo are safe.’

  ‘What’s SkyNation got to do with it?’

  ‘It’s the time and the place. The perfect setting, the perfect way for you to escape the consequences of your actions. Things happen at Sky- Nation: chaos, accidents, stupid mishaps or fights, and some incidents that are not accidents. There’s always risk with this kind of event. People disappear.’

  ‘So you’re saying Peter should have an accident at SkyNation?’

  ‘No-one will even know you were there. Everyone’s dressed up. No way to link you with what happened. Your weapon will be untraceable. Worst comes to worst, Niko can organise an alibi.’

  ‘How on earth would I get in?’

  ‘That’s nothing. Niko can get you in easily.’

  Peri was silent. ‘Good,’ she said after a while. ‘Thank you. It’s a good plan.’

  ‘I advise you against this,’ said Jay. ‘The only reason I’m helping you is because you’re rash enough to do it without my help and I’d rather make sure you stay safe. Still, if there’s one thing a soldier understands it is that sometimes there is no other way.’

  It was a relief to know exactly when she was leaving Audax, though it was frightening too. Still, knowing that she had a day marked when she must leave, and that Jay would protect her and Hugo for at least part of her flight, was reassuring.

  Often Peri thought of her final flight with Jay. Would he really leave her? She imagined a hundred scenarios in which he decided not to abandon her, in which he came with her to the City. Anything might be possible, nothing would be too difficult, if only Jay would stay with her.