When We Have Wings

by Claire Corbett

  Niko put the slick away. ‘Are you okay?’ he said, watching Peri as she sat silent, biting her lip.

  ‘It’s hard to take in, Niko.’

  ‘Think of it this way,’ said Niko, getting to his feet, brushing the sand from him. ‘It’s possible that with you they’ve found the sweet spot. I mean, think of that. You could be the new breed of flier, enhanced by the after-effects of Raptor treatments combined with regular treatments. They might really be onto something with you.’

  After Niko left, Peri paced, Hugo in her arms.

  I need to think. I need to be alone, even though, of all the fliers here, I’m the one never allowed an instant to myself, because of Hugo and because Jay has forbidden it. Still, I must risk it.

  She found Phoebe, who was now nursing a new injury after their afternoon of learning pigeon tactics and was willing to play with Hugo.

  Peri kissed Hugo, then almost ran down the path towards the cliff. She stopped on the river bank, looked over to the scooped hollow of water at the fall’s edge, its lip pouring foam into the valley. Her mind was spinning with what Niko had said. She thought about Mama’lena and the trail that led from Mama’lena to the Church of the Seraphim, to Little Angels, to Peter and Avis. She had put one foot in front of the other the whole time, thinking she was driving herself forward, making her hard choices. Perhaps it had not been that simple. Had she always been a flier-in-waiting, a Raptor-in-embryo?

  Peri took off her skims and sat naked in the pool, the water surging over her on its way into the sky. She was going back to the City; maybe once she knew what would happen to her and Hugo, she could find out more about her past. Whatever had happened to her mother and father not only affected her future, as Niko had suggested, but also Hugo’s.

  Peri heard the crackle of leaves and looked to the bank. Jay appeared and beckoned her out of the water. Naked, she stood and walked over to him. Jay took her into his arms. Was this the last time she would be alone with him? She loved to stroke his smooth skin, slide her hand over the silky russet feathers.

  ‘Do you trust me?’ Jay whispered into her ear.

  Oh. That question. Peri felt her stomach contract and a trickle of arousal flow like molten gold between her thighs and upwards, along the central line of her belly, warming her. How could he know to ask her that, of all things, the words that most stirred both terror and desire in her?

  Yes. I trust you.

  Jay took Peri’s hand and led her down to the cliff edge. He could not possibly know the power of the question he had asked. It had been the central question between her and Peter. It was twisted into her memory and her longings, the thrilling along her nerves to her heart, her brain, her muscles, her thighs, her womb. In her most intense memory, the most severe test of her courage, Peter had taken her to the end of a long spar jutting from a communications tower. The spar was slender and he’d held her tight. She’d been three months pregnant with Hugo; nothing showed yet but she tired easily. The flow of hormones in her body made her even more submissive to Peter, if that were possible. At the end of the spar there were a few wires fanned out taut, just enough for Peter to lay her down. The wind sang around them and through the wires. Each time Peter took her he had made it more extreme, more dangerous. As she tensed around him, holding him with her whole body, he slid her a little over the edge. She gasped. He took her through their own catechism, the one he liked to make her repeat whenever they were together.

  Do you love me? he demanded.

  Yes, she said.

  Do you trust me?

  Yes, she said.

  Would you give me your life?

  Yes, oh yes, she said. It was so fatally easy to worship him, abandon herself to him; he wasn’t just a man, but another order of life: higher, stronger, resplendent. Whatever you ask, she said, I will do.

  Let yourself fall, he commanded. She shuddered and wept in his arms as he kissed her hair, her mouth, but he was insistent, he would not relent. She said she would die for him; now she must prove it. Sick with terror, she launched herself into the air; she would never know how she made herself do it. The fall was beautiful and terrible beyond reason, the stark lines of the communication tower rushing past her into the sky, the wind snatching her breath away, her heart thundering so it must come right out of her chest, she would die before hitting the ground.

  Then she heard a great rush of air through flight feathers and she was caught in that grip she knew so well and he brought her to earth and took her on solid ground. Though she walked on air for three days afterwards, so happy to be alive, she worried about what he would do next. How much further could he go? Perhaps he thought the same way for he didn’t approach her until a few months after Hugo’s birth, when the cycle began once more, each place more dangerous than the last, and she had been more reluctant, though still in thrall to him.

  Once Peri had her wings Peter never touched her again. She had grieved for that but the torrent of feeling had turned, carving a new channel. It wasn’t right to risk her life now that she had Hugo to look after. But Peter still believed her life was his, to do with as he wished.

  Peri could not allow that any longer. She followed Jay, trusting herself to him. He took her to the edge of the cliff and down its face to where they now stood, he facing her on a narrow ledge, his back to the drop. Peri’s back was to the cliff and he shielded her with his outstretched wings, taking her in his arms. Why was she doing this? She caught her breath. Because now she had her wings. That was what was different. Jay was exploring the edge of danger with her, they were both equal to the challenge. She was trusting herself now, not only Jay. She pushed herself back against the cliff. There was just enough room for her feet on the ledge; a centimetre less and she would slide down into the chasm. Jay balanced himself, using his hands against the rock and raising his wings. She wrapped one leg around him so that he could lift her and enter her. He slipped away a fraction, balanced himself, then entered her again. Peri laughed. Having sex in this way was a bit like hard work but she was willing to see where it led. Jay gasped. ‘Careful when you laugh,’ he said, grinning. ‘You’ve got strong muscles there.’

  They were silent, Peri focusing her attention on the pleasure swelling in her like a rising gale, each flurry stronger than the one before. She tightened her grip on Jay, looking past his shoulder into the splendour of the afternoon sky. Never before had she felt the intensity of her wings quivering, beating against another’s like this, ruffling her feathers against Jay’s, the massive surface of the wings increasing the area of her body shivering with excitement.

  Her muscles trembling with effort and delight, Peri withdrew her gaze from the sky to look into Jay’s dark eyes.

  ‘Hang onto me,’ he whispered.

  She nodded.

  He pushed his head down onto her shoulder and put his arms around her. He spread his wings as wide as they would stretch and launched them both into the sky.

  They plunged towards the valley floor.

  The swoop of their falling, coupled together, flooded Peri with ecstasy; for a few seconds it was as if the smooth bliss of glass-off had fused with the rush of outflying a storm or a predator, as she’d fled Jay that afternoon, pigeon to his falcon.

  After a few seconds Jay let her go and she soared back to the cliff. She beat her wings, landing at the side of the pool where Jay had found her.

  ‘Well,’ she said when Jay joined her and they had caught their breath. ‘Have you done that before? I haven’t.’

  Jay shook his head. ‘No,’ he said, putting his arm around Peri and stroking her hair. ‘You are my first, my only one,’ he said warmly, seeming to satirise the romantic words and yet mean them at the same time. ‘It was the subject of much wishful thinking and boasting among all the Raptors but I don’t think a single one of them actually did it.’

  Peri smiled. ‘You did say you wer
e here to push Flight to the extremes.’ She slid into the pool and floated on her belly, her chin on the lip of rock, her wings held just clear of the water. Her whole body hummed with energy, as if her flesh was made of lightning. ‘I want to ask you something.’

  ‘You can ask,’ said Jay. ‘I don’t promise I’ll answer.’

  ‘How did you track me in the storm?’

  ‘Oh, that. You’d already been fitted with a tracking device. Clearly you didn’t know about that. So I was able to track you myself with the equipment I had.’

  ‘I thought Audax members didn’t fly with equipment.’

  ‘We learn to fly without equipment. Doesn’t mean we don’t use it when we need it. And we make damn sure no-one can track us here so we are well aware of any devices other fliers are carrying.’

  Peri ducked her head under the foaming water, then surfaced. ‘I had no idea.’

  ‘Of course not,’ said Jay. ‘They’re designed so you don’t. But you can’t be surprised.’

  Peri sighed. ‘That detective must have done it.’

  Jay knelt at the edge of the pool and kissed her. ‘Come back to the camp,’ he said. ‘You shouldn’t stay out here on your own.’

  ‘I’ll follow you in a minute.’

  Jay disappeared into the trees.

  Peri was so overwhelmed by all that was happening to her, the rush of feeling about Hugo, Jay, herself, her possible future and past as revealed by Niko, that she was glad to be alone for a moment. The late afternoon was clear and warm, hushed and safe. Nothing was going to ambush her. She stood, balancing herself on the edge of the pool, then allowed herself to fall down, down the cliff face, then powered herself up, rising next to the vertical, falling river, spray surging over her, wash of waterair, higher, body singing with energy, feels so good nothing between her and air, why did they ever wear anything?

  Peri had never felt so light, so light she had to stop herself from soaring too high in the first few minutes of her flight. She made herself slow down and then thought, Why?

  For the first time Peri felt in her bones the knowledge that she had the technical ability to do what she wanted in the air, without thinking about it, without fearing she would miscalculate. She just had to think, I want to fly there, or tumble over myself here or circle swoop sweep up again higher. Grace and freedom, exhilaration of Flight. Hers. Part of her body, as easy and sensuous as swimming. Wings powerful and hers. Not stuck on like angel wings in a play. She was new, become something different. Not Peri-with-wings. Now Peri-who-flies. Peri the flier. She rose higher, excitement driving her, she had to move to express her joy.

  To truly fly have to let thoughts slide away, not narrate each second into words but fly each moment. Flight an eternal Now, have to be present to each second in the sky.

  It’s hard. This is what’s so hard.

  Much harder than the rhythm, breath, angle, muscles working.

  Once word-thoughts slide away sky and light slip in, wrap around, clouds and forest and stones coming clearer, three-dimensional, precise curve of leaves, angles of stones, dead branch fallen just there, thrown net of dark twigs, fuzzy grey-white flowers near cliff edge. Dark hollows. Burrow. Most of all, movement. Scurry of leaves in wind, sweep of tree, light sliding along branches and water. Birds rocketing just above canopy, parrot swinging upside down. Never truly seen anything before. This what the world is like, this what the eagles see every day? Turning under her as she circles.

  Flowing, she was, herself, the air, sliding under the clouds, over and in them. Higher, into those hills of cloud. Can feel which way is up, don’t need to see it, can fly inside cloud. Fair-weather cumulus; short-lived clouds, only last half an hour. Sometimes five minutes. These ones newly thermal-puffed, can tell by sharp edges. Fun to pretend they’re solid, flying over bulges, through holes, over white battlements then tumble fast through ivory ramparts, over and down, falling and falling, suddenly soaring up, sinking sun dyeing crinkled sheets high above rubyfire. Opal vault arching.

  High tower, fragile shapes breaking up all around wind streaming walls into banners mandarin sky streaked raspberry all ripe and sweet happier than ever been and lighter, heart singing, I am flying, heavy weight lifted, why so light?

  Soaring swooping wildly, push to the limits, fast and agile, turn and brake. Stoop like giant falcon, heart-rocketing dive, screaming down delight, pulling up, thousands of feet high still land below exquisite so textured can feel it, crisp flower spikes, click of pebbles, crackling bark, land music, green shining song, lower tones, browns greys, blue above burning cloud, chiming glass metal notes, bell striking singing. Temptation don’t go back. Something warning note down deep. Don’t think pause to remember pull back small self not whole sky, can feel to be that cloud over there, petalthin leafing sky, flying with it there as well as here. Spreading across the sky. Seeing all. Remote blissful. Wider and wider.

  Feeling into light itself, flaking air gold.

  Against pale yellow, black dot.

  Look closer.

  Shaheen, hunting in last light?

  No, too big. Shaheen can’t soar like that.

  Eagle?

  Broad wings.

  Eagle!

  Big. Very big. Female.

  Never flown near eagle keep your distance mind your manners, remember they can and will attack, now try extending over, patterning flying on it. Fly like that, up, down, circling, scanning territory. Now introduced through sharing pattern of flight okay approach a little closer? Fierceness of joy that feels like raptor looks also strange sense—courtesy—predators know importance of that—eagle teaching propriety! Feel way into right distance, flying together, creating something, musicians, call respond, you do this I do that, sometimes echo, then do same thing but this way instead, never further away than this, never closer together than that. Not competing, not threatening, creating. Weaving living pattern fleeting and beautiful as notes one after another. Work of art in time and also colours melting and flowing and hardening around them as sun sinks and shapes flying made in those colours.

  Never say how long one way forever but every dance has its time finish gracefully most important final flourish rise high together, spiral round each other first time fell like stones. Levelled off flying in different directions. Over.

  Goodbye sister. Into the wind.

  Pain in belly dropping towards Heavener without thinking. As she fell closer naming the feeling in her belly as hunger, ordinary thought began coming back, swimming up as if from underwater.

  She landed in the river and her ordinary thoughts returned almost completely as she splashed into the night-black water, found her skims and dragged them on, cloth sticking to her damp skin. She waded up the shallows of the river to where the others were gathered near the lightstick in the tree, and seeing the gazes turned on her with mixed anxiety and relief, the euphoria of that flight with the eagle still surged through her. It would never entirely leave her. It was part of her, like Hugo.

  Peri picked Hugo up from Jay, thanking him, his reprimand over her late return dying on his lips when he saw the exhilaration on her face.

  Jay slipped a small slick into her hand. ‘Keep it safe. You know what it is. Your fate is in your hands now.’

  Peri propped Hugo on one hip as she slipped the slick into her waistband. They walked back towards river’s edge, where Peri sat on a log with Hugo to give him his last milk of the day.

  ‘Spill it,’ said Jay, standing next to her.

  Peri tried to describe her flight. She could see it with exquisite clarity, could see cloud shapes and colours, land unrolling with such voluptuous intensity below, almost remember what it felt like slipping through air silkier than oil, clearer than water, her heart surging as she wheeled, the world slow turning underneath her. But she couldn’t say it. The words were in a different place. They
were over there, jumbled and colourful but utterly separate from that flight.

  Jay placed his hand on Peri’s arm. ‘I do know some of what you experienced. Do you realise, that was your Initiation? Normally we plan for that. We haven’t had time to do it for you. But you did it for yourself. Well done.’

  Peri shook her head. She had never felt so purely joyful. Hugo’s birth had been overwhelming but mixed with so many powerful emotions, fear and pain and sorrow. Her first flight outside the gym had been exhilarating and scary but Jay was right. This was different, her first real flight. They didn’t know about this in the City. Most had never experienced Flight at all. She had to tell them. They had to know or there was no point in having wings at all.

  Jay nodded. ‘That’s right, now you’ve got it. You understand.’

  Peri tried to describe to Jay what had happened with the eagle. Jay stared at her. ‘Well, that is different. I haven’t heard of that before.’

  He took Peri back to the lightstick. Bone-weary, she settled Hugo, listening to the others talk, letting it wash over her. As she drifted, dozing, something deep in her mind sounded, a distant bell. Clearly, almost as if someone was speaking to her directly, she heard the question: Is this the first step on the path to Wildness? What if I am not offering a way forward? What if it is a Fall instead?

  Troubled, feeling darkness corrode all the way around the rim of her happiness, Peri fell into a dreamless sleep.

  She woke briefly to move with the others back to the overhang. This was where they all slept every night, as they had done ever since Peri’s sighting of the Wild. Niko sat up, watching. Other lookouts spent the night stationed around the perimeter of the camp. The sky was cloudy and there would be no moon till early that morning. Peri woke once, resettled herself and Hugo, and saw Niko staring into the trees. She fell back into a doze.