Bears of Burden: STERLING

by Candace Ayers

  Eli alternated between sitting on the provided bench and pacing the space. He was getting that unsettling urge that accompanied the oncoming night. There was little he could do to curb the urge to move, to resist the call of the woods and the nearby mountains. The hair on the back of his neck felt electrified, current sweeping over and through his body. Dusk was well into settling when he saw the first puffs of dust that indicated the stagecoach’s impending arrival. A growling in his stomach highlighted the fact that their arrival wasn’t quite as on time as had been promised. Like he needed the additional reminder.

  The horses pulled up, lathered and eager to slow. One let out a loud whoof of air as the driver disembarked and swung open the carriage door.

  She was the only one to exit the carriage, carefully navigating the steps while using the driver’s extended hand for balance.

  He could hear her murmur a thanks to the driver as he reached for her bag and Eli stepped forward to give the man a tip.

  “Ms. Lilly,” Eli said with just enough of a lift to the words to make it a question and not a presumption.

  She turned toward him, the rustling of her skirts the only real sound. “And you must be Mr. Eli?” she responded in assent, nodding in his direction.

  In the gloom it was hard to make out much of his features, but she could hear what sounded like a wry smile in his voice when he said, “Please. There’s no reason to be calling your husband something so formal. Eli will do well enough.” Something about how he spoke to her settled her nerves. After the initial thrill of her escape she had begun to worry that maybe this savior wouldn’t be everything she imagined him to be. After all, what kind of man ordered a wife? That had been the least of her worries at the time, however.

  As the driver moved the horses forward, heading toward the livery to unharness and bed them down for a well-deserved rest, Eli gathered Lilly’s single bag and extended his arm to her.

  “No doubt, you are ready to be finished with your journey, but there is still a little ways to go yet.”

  She dipped her head in another practiced demure response and followed him to where he’d hitched his own horse pulling a small shay. It would have been faster to bring a pair of horses, but Eli hadn’t been sure what sort of luggage she might have with her, and whether or not she knew how to sit a horse. Had he known it would just be the one bag, they could have done with one animal between them.

  The ride was quiet, the night air brisk against their skin, Eli’s horse fresh and quick. Of course, the horses never settled as well around them as they used to. Their sensitive noses quivered at his arrival, the whites of their eyes on display, aware he looked like a man, but harbored something they could not see. He had always thought they were a good judge of character.

  “I hope your trip was pleasant enough; I know you covered a great distance to get here.”

  “Yes, it was quite fine.” Lilly had had a series of stage mates and drivers, and with each turnover, she had celebrated a little at moving further away from the ties that had bound her to James and Canada. Each step the horse took forward felt like there was one less chain binding her to the past.

  This close to her, he was distracted by a sweet scent that seemed to linger on her, and even though their bodies did not touch, she could feel a heat and power emanating from him. She was surprised to note that it did not worry her. She had come to associate power with fear and pain. This was the kind of power that drew you in, that you didn’t realize was there until it was too late, and Lilly found herself wondering if that was a danger in itself.

  “I was glad to hear you’d accepted my offer,” Eli began, realizing now how ill-equipped he was to talk to her about their arrangement, and how awkward the whole thing was by its very nature. The fact that he was painfully aware of that sweet scent didn’t help matters at all, either. “I have contracted you because I am in need of a woman to perform wifely duties, and to provide the appearance of a fully functional marriage. All aspects.”

  He paused to allow her a moment to respond, wondering where he should go next with his explanation. She seemed to be taking his words very well, but somehow distant from the conversation at the same time. When she said nothing, he continued on. “I do not expect to use your body, but will expect you to sleep in my room. My house — the house,” he corrected, as though that would include her more fully, “is very close to my business and it is of the utmost importance that we appear happy, and as though we’ve known each other a very long time. We are very much in love. And I’ve told them all you have come from California. I would appreciate it if you would indulge those discrepancies, or at the very least, if you feel you cannot lie to them directly, let them continue to believe that is the case.”

  He heard a breath of air ease out of her, and could sense her nod in the dark. But then again, he had exceptional vision, even in the dark. “That will all be very well. I am happy to put on the pretense of being your wife.” She seemed to linger on the word pretense, as though confirming that she had no expectations of him either.

  He breathed a sigh of relief he hadn’t realized he was holding. Perhaps this was going to work out after all. “I expect you to call me Eli; I will call you Lilly. I will provide you with whatever you need to have to be comfortable, and I do not want you to hesitate to ask me for things.”

  “I will need new clothes,” Lilly said quickly. “I didn’t bring much with me.”

  He nodded. “Very well. I will have a dressmaker brought in and you will be able to choose your fabrics and cuts.”

  The ride eased into silence, and neither Lilly nor Eli did anything to fill it. When they arrived at his property, they bypassed the large lit home where Lilly could hear music and laughter spilling out from inside, and headed toward the back of the property. Eli pulled the horse up to a stop outside of his door, hitching him quickly and offering Lilly his hand.

  She dismounted from the buggy and Eli led her to the door, lighting the lamp in the entryway and spilling warm light through the room. Lilly stepped in behind him, and in the new light he got his first good view of her.

  She was dressed in a simple calico dress, dark hair peeking out from under her bonnet and framing her pale face.

  Her eyes were fringed in dark lashes, and even though they seemed almost black in this light, he knew they were a blue. Her mouth was full and he fought the sudden urge to find out if it was as soft as it looked. He tore his eyes away from her, knowing he was staring, and that if she hadn’t yet noticed, she would shortly. His attraction to her was almost overwhelming. It had been bad enough in the dark, where her scent had been driving him to distraction. The visual confirmation of his desire was almost too much for him to navigate.

  “This is the house,” he said gruffly, trying not to notice the growing discomfort in his loins. “It’s only ever been just me, as you can see.” He gestured to the space in front of them.

  She could easily tell the space was occupied by a man who had little regard or need for it. There was little furniture and even less decorating to speak of, but even so, it seemed comfortable and clean, the windows in the main space shuttered from any outside eyes.

  “I’ll show you to the room,” he said after a moment.

  He said it in a way that suggested there was only one, and Lilly was immediately reminded of how closely they were to be together. How unlike the life she had anticipated she would lead when she was young. Moving into the house and bed of a man she hardly knew, and knowing it was the best option of the ones she had before her. She felt her mouth settle into a grim line. It was one she was familiar with.

  He led the way, although the house was small enough she could have managed to find it on her own. Like the other room the bedroom was functional and little more. There was one bed — not overly large, sporting an unremarkable quilt and some pillows — a single chair and a small bureau. This was where she would sleep. And this was the man she would sleep beside. It didn’t seem possible that they would both be able to fit i
n that bed.

  “I hope this will do,” Eli said, and Lilly turned toward him, struck by how large he looked in the bedroom, how small she was next to him. It was something she would have noted in fear when she’d been home in Canada. But here in this room with him, it inspired a spark of something else- something she couldn’t name. Their eyes met, and an expanded moment of silence hovered between them. She was wondering again about why it was that a man with such kind eyes and such a handsome face, his jaw square and hard and dotted with fresh stubble she knew would be rough and scratchy on her skin, would be resigned to ordering a woman of his own. Her eyes narrowed. As far as she was concerned, the only acceptable answer was that he had something to hide, something someone else would turn away from if they knew the truth.

  He was thinking something along the same lines. Intrigued by what sort of position she must have been placed in to seek a marriage placement. It was obvious that men would want her. Leap at the chance to offer her their bed and name. He was struck by how endless those dark pools of blue seemed, how eager to please and soft spoken she was, the gentle shape of her body so carefully hidden beneath the yards of fabric. It didn’t make sense that she would find herself widowed with no suitable suitors waiting in line for her.

  In that heavy moment when nothing was said between them, they each thought of their own secrets, and wondered about those of the other, and then Eli cleared his throat and spoke again. “I’m sure you’re interested in the facilities. Let me show you where you can find them.”

  With a collective goal in mind, the heaviness permeating the room seemed to lift, and Lilly did as he bid, following along a step behind him.

  Chapter Three

  Eli needed a minute. A good long minute. It hadn’t occurred to him that he was signing up for a woman he would actually want to possess. Actually, he’d been fairly certain there wasn’t a woman who could evoke such a response in him.

  And then she had shown up, all soft curves and smooth, silky skin, and the only thing he could think about was divesting her of that dress and exploring her body. It was so far down the list of conceivable outcomes that he hadn’t even considered it as an option. Now it seemed to be the only thing he could think about.

  He prowled through the small office at the opposite end of the house, his body tightly coiled. On edge. Truthfully, it was where he spent the bulk of his time. He didn’t like to be reminded that he spent very little time in his own bed, that that part of his life was over and behind him. Instead, he burned the midnight oil, and when he couldn’t keep himself in check anymore, he escaped to the outside and let himself melt into the night — and into the other part of himself he spent his days controlling.

  But Lilly was doing something to his tenuous hold on his very humanity. He hadn’t expected it to happen, but having her near him was sending his inner beast into turmoil. Her very scent. The column of her throat. The angle of her jaw. It was all pushing him one step closer to losing it. He treaded the line already; he didn’t need the constant impulse to change in his life as well.

  Eli realized he was pacing the small room, thinking about what Lilly might be doing as she prepped for bed, wondering what her nighttime rituals were like. It wasn’t his place to think about it, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself.

  He had to get out of the house. For the briefest moment he considered a trip to the brothel, maybe a distraction from the beautiful woman just a few rooms over, but, in the end, the call of the mountains was too strong. He wanted to feel the dirt beneath his feet, the cool air against his face, that impossible contentment that seemed to come only when he was in his truest form.

  He moved through the house, hardly making a sound, and was out the door and melting into the darkness. Moving faster until he was running, his feet having no trouble in the dark, his eyes seeing more than any human should.

  The further from the house he got, the freer he felt, and when his house was just a haze of distant light, he stopped suppressing the beast he kept at bay most of his life, and with a snap and a roar, he felt his body begin to change, the man he’d been just moments before a distant memory — the large, dark bear he was now the one driving his needs and wants. And, most importantly, easing his mind and soul.

  Lilly sat on the edge of the bed, wondering if she was supposed to wait until Eli returned before settling in for sleep. The thought wasn’t entirely displeasing. She remembered the size of his frame, how broad his shoulders were, and wondered what his skin would feel like beneath her hands, what shape his body would take as he lie down beside her in that ridiculously too-small-for-two bed.

  She let her mind wander for a few more moments before she reined it in and told herself there was no use in waiting for him to return. Besides, as much as she seemed suddenly interested in physicality with him, he’d made it perfectly clear he had no interest or need for her. Waiting for him to return just so they could lie awkwardly in the dark next to one another while they waited for sleep, didn’t seem too appealing.

  It was hard enough when they were awake and fully dressed in the same room together. She didn’t want to think about what it might be like when their bodies were close enough to touch. There was something so hypnotically compelling about him; it seemed to overrule any of her common sense.

  She’d never wanted a man before. Not really. She’d been young when she’d married, and well sheltered. She hadn’t known what the marriage bed would be like. She hadn’t even known what would be expected of her. James let her know soon enough, though. Her time with him had done little to spark any interest she had in a man, his body, or what he could do to hers.

  But now, for the first time, she was wondering what it would be like to have a man she actually wanted to touch her, to revel in the feel of fingertips on her skin, instead of dreading it.

  She had to stop wondering about it though, because the one thought spiraled into the next, and then she was thinking about Eli without clothes on, of fulfilling all the wifely duties and not just the ones he had listed he expected.

  She extinguished the bedside light and let the dark engulf her, wishing her inner flame could be so easily controlled

  It was definitely best if she was asleep when he returned for the night. There was no good that would come of waiting for him to crawl into the bed beside her.

  She had expected him to be beside her in the morning, to have woken at his arrival in the night. The years had trained her to be a light sleeper, and there was little that wouldn’t wake her, heart thudding in her chest, adrenaline already peaking.

  But this night she slept soundly, dreamlessly, like she had finally come home after too long away.

  The bedding beside her wasn’t even disturbed, and she knew she had spent the night alone.

  Instead of the thrill of happiness at sleeping alone — something she had become accustomed to feeling — she felt the smallest stab of disappointment, and wondered where her new husband had whiled away the night.

  Perhaps, she considered, he was respecting her and waiting until they had finalized their marriage with a preacher. Not that it would bring much validity to their marriage, since she was technically already married, but Lilly certainly didn’t let herself linger on that for too long. And, as far as she was concerned, Eli would never know that was the case.

  Or maybe it was a fluke. Or maybe there was another woman. Or maybe the “other” wasn’t a woman at all, and that was why he needed one in his bed. Appearances, he had said, were the most important part of the arrangement. She gnawed on her lower lip. Thinking of all the hows and whys and maybes wasn’t a good investment of her time, and she resolved that she would leave it be.

  She took a deep breath and launched herself out of bed. It hardly mattered what the parameters were. She would just have to make the best of it, and ignore the urges that were growing inside of her. The urges she knew nothing about navigating.

  They settled into a tenuous routine. Lilly’s new dresses had been ordered and made, and the l
ast vestiges of her life from before tossed away. She’d taken great satisfaction in disposing of them. With her new look, she set out to create her new life. She made sure to spend time outside. On the porch. In the garden. Slipping her arm through Eli’s, thrilling at the contact, and letting him lead her through the town and by the front of the brothel he owned and regularly referred to as a saloon, as though Lilly would be unable to put all the pieces together. They were pleasant to one another, but instead of feeling like they were growing closer, Lilly had the distinct impression that the more time they spent together, the more distant Eli became.

  She worried on her lower lip. That budding desire she’d felt for him in the beginning hadn’t dissipated. As he became more disinterested in her, she was becoming more aware of an ache for him. But there was no mistaking it; he found great relief in leaving her, and spent as little time as possible with her. When he had to be with her, he left at the earliest juncture.

  She’d spent a lifetime disappointing others, and she wasn’t sure why she felt this failure so much more acutely than she had the others. It didn’t seem to matter what she did for him or how she acted. She tried to be sweet, the way James had liked her to be. She tried to be welcoming. She did everything she’d been told men liked, and yet, each encounter was even more remote than the last.

  And, just when she was starting to think she should stop even trying, that nothing she did would change the way he felt toward her, or make him look at her differently, she would turn and find him watching her, or see something unexpected and hungry in his eyes in an unguarded moment.

  Each time she was left breathless, almost burned by the heat that would swell up inside her.