Kiss n Tell

by Suzy McCoppin

  I sighed. “Are you okay?” I asked, annoyance coloring my voice.

  She crossed her arms, shrugging. “I’m just surprised Stella didn’t pick you up,” she said, her eyes fixed out the window.

  “I’m not gonna ask her to come out of her way to get me,” I said.

  “I’m surprised she didn’t offer,” she added.

  I rolled my eyes, shifting in my seat. “Come on, Anais. You and I both know she’s a selfish bitch who would never offer.” Anais bit her lip, suppressing a smile. “What’s this really about?” I asked.

  She shook her head. “I’m just in a bad mood,” she said, turning to look at me. “Sorry.” But I could tell there was more to the story. I just didn’t feel like thinking about it. I wanted to think about Xander, how we were going to be a talked about “it” couple. I wanted to think about all the clothes I was going to buy with our money from KissnTell. I wanted to think about how hot I was going to look and how jealous everyone was going to be. At the time, I didn’t consider for one instant that something could have been seriously wrong.

  * * *

  We walked up the drive in silence as I scanned the crowd for Stella, Ava, or Xander. Anais kept her eyes on the pavement, a sour expression on her face. Her moping was starting to get to me. After all we’d been through together, I thought she’d be at least a little happy for me.

  “Looking for your new frenemy?” she murmured.

  I stopped. Something about her tone set me off. It was so condescending. When was she going to get over it and stop judging me?

  “Are you freaking serious right now?” I shouted.

  She looked up at me, startled. “What?” she asked. “I’m sorry that it takes me more than twelve hours to get used to the fact that you and Stella are friends now,” she objected.

  I rolled my eyes, marching ahead of her. If she was going to sulk and make passive aggressive comments all day, I had no interest in hanging out with her. I didn’t need that negativity. When I was a good ten paces ahead, I glanced back at her. She was still standing there, her face filled with hurt and confusion, her grip loosening on the straps of her stupid backpack that I told her to replace with a tote long ago. Good, I thought to myself. I forged ahead, brushing past more slouchy losers on my way to the entrance. I still don’t really know why it gave me satisfaction in that moment to hurt Anais, but it did. Maybe I was sick of her always doubting me. Maybe I was sick of her always being right.

  “Jesus fucking Christ!” I heard someone snap. I turned around, my brow furrowed.

  There, standing behind me was Odette Abberley, the contents of her $1,200 shoulder bag splayed across the ground. I guess I must have accidentally bumped into her in my blind rage. “Watch where you’re fucking going, Vag,” she said.

  I took a step toward her, seething. “No one calls me that anymore,” I growled.

  She chuckled, her eyelids fluttering. “Maybe not to your face,” she said, shoving an edition of The Age of Innocence inside her bag. I glanced at the shiny label sewn into its silk lining. It was Chloé. Jealousy spread through my veins. “Deep down, I think we both know you’ll always be Vag,” Odette finished. She stood, hoisting her leather Chloé over her shoulder. She started to pass me but I stopped her, standing in her way.

  “It’s over, Odette,” I said quietly in a voice so icy I didn’t even recognize it.

  Odette laughed nervously, attempting to get around me. “Get out of my way, asshole,” she whined.

  I shook my head. “No one likes you,” I continued, getting up in her face. “Stella’s done with you, and Ava agrees. Ava always agrees with Stella. Xander doesn’t want you anymore. He told me himself. Who’s left?” I asked.

  Odette frowned at me, but I could see her hands were trembling. By that point, Anais had caught up to where we were standing. I noticed her hovering in the background.

  “They’re just using you ‘cause you fucked Baron Caldwell, you slut,” Odette sneered, shaking.

  “Please,” I scoffed. “Baron Caldwell wishes he fucked me.”

  Odette flinched. She wasn’t expecting me to be so quick-witted. I wasn’t expecting it, either. It felt great.

  “And they may be using me, but at least they haven’t thrown me away,” I seethed. “You’re nothing to them now. And you have no one to turn to because you’ve spent the past year and a half shitting on everyone else.” I paused, glancing at Anais, who stood, stunned, behind Odette. Odette’s eyes were wide and angry and terrified. She was trying not to cry. She looked to the ground, shaking her head bitterly. I smiled. “Have a great day!” I chirped coolly.

  I walked away, my heart racing. Rage pummeled through me. I had finally said my piece. I had finally told that bitch off. What’s strange is that it didn’t relieve my anger. If anything, it fed it, like anger had replaced my blood and filled me with strength. I felt too strong for everyone in sight, powering past them. I felt especially too strong for Anais, who I feared was somewhere behind me, comforting Odette, if Odette would even accept her comfort.

  Stella emerged in the foreground, greeting me with a kiss on the cheek. I wiped my bangs away from my eyes and greeted Ava. I noticed they both gave me a once-over, probably assessing how cheap my accessories were. I sighed, scanning the crowd for Xander.

  “You seem stressed, babe,” Stella cooed. “What’s up?”

  I shook my head. “Have you seen Xander?” I asked.

  Ava put her hand on my upper arm, pointing past me. “He’s over there talking to Odette,” she said.

  “What?” I whipped around. Sure enough, they seemed to be having a serious conversation. They stood close to one another. She appeared to be crying. She was holding his hands, pleading with him. He seemed pretty bored, but then again, he always seemed bored. My blood boiled. I started to march over to them but Stella and Ava stopped me, taking me by the arms.

  “Don’t make a scene,” Stella murmured. “You’ll never get anywhere being a clingy bitch. That’s exactly how Odette pushed him away. Pretend you don’t care,” she said lightly, shrugging.

  I shrugged, too, making my way into the building for class. But the truth is, I was furious. Not just at Xander and even Odette, but at everyone and everything. I didn’t know what was happening. I felt like the Hulk or something.

  I reached my locker. Anais wasn’t far behind me, and I could tell from the corner of my eye that she was glowering at me. She was disappointed. But most of all, she looked hurt.

  “What is the matter with you?” she snapped.

  I sighed, closing my locker door. “I don’t know,” I said truthfully. “I guess I’m in a bad mood, too.”

  She shook her head, bewildered. Stella and Ava approached, glaring at Anais. Stella linked arms with me.

  “Sit with me in History?” Stella asked. I nodded. Anais narrowed her eyes at us. “What are you looking at?” Stella snapped. Anais shrugged. Stella giggled coolly, turning to me. “God, how do you handle her? She’s, like, obsessed with us right now.” Anais looked to me, waiting for me to come to her defense, but I just didn’t feel like it. Instead, I murmured, “Let’s go,” and walked toward class, arm-in-arm with Stella, apparently my new BFF, leaving Anais in the dust.

  * * *

  I didn’t feel good about the way I was behaving, but I couldn’t stop it. It was like this uncontrollable frenzy coursing through me, this powerful combination of vengefulness and greed holding my personality hostage. I tried to make up for it a little at lunch, taking a seat across from Anais at our usual table. She glared at me over her Arnold Palmer.

  “Hi,” I said weakly. I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t want to apologize. What was I apologizing for? Popularity?

  She stabbed her salad. “Why aren’t you sitting with them?” she asked, nodding to the Shrew Crew’s table.

  I shrugged. “I wanted to sit with you,” I said.

  She narrowed her eyes at me and continued to chew. “I noticed Odette isn’t sitting with them, either,” s
he said softly.

  “’Cause Odette’s a bitch,” I snapped.

  Anais dropped her fork, stunned. “And you’re not?” she asked.

  “Excuse me?” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. Did my best friend really just call me a bitch?

  “You’re being a bitch,” she said plainly. “You spent twenty-four hours with Stella Beldon and suddenly you’re a clone of her?”

  “I am not,” I said quietly through clenched teeth.

  “You berate Odette Abberley for being an outcast when only a few days ago you were in the same position. Have you lost your mind?”

  “No!” I shouted. “I just—” I tried to explain but I couldn’t. I really couldn’t. And Anais’s little lecture wasn’t helping my newfound anger management issues.

  “They ditched Odette this quickly after years of friendship,” she said. “You don’t think they could turn around and do the exact same thing to you?”

  “Shut up!” I shouted. Anais flinched. “You don’t get it, okay?” I said. “I’m friends with Stella and Ava, now. I came over here because I’d like to be friends with you, too, but apparently you can’t get off your high horse.”

  Anais shook her head, somber. “No. You don’t get it,” she said. “I’ve always been judgmental. You’re the one who’s changed,” she said, tears filling her eyes. “Like, literally overnight.” She started to cry, putting her head in her hands. I averted my eyes, ashamed. She sniffled, wiping away tears. “My mom has cancer,” she said suddenly.

  I inhaled sharply. The words hung in the air, rotting there.

  “So if I’ve been in a weird mood today, that’s why,” she said, looking at me, waiting for me to react, but I couldn’t move. I didn’t know what to say or do. Pam had cancer? She was so young and cool. The notion of her seriously ill—possibly terminally ill—was inconceivable to me.

  My vision blurred. The room was spinning behind Anais—the only thing I could see clearly—her face crossed with disappointment and deep sadness. She shook her head, obviously shocked that I failed to offer any kind words or solace. She pushed her plate of half-eaten salad away from her. “Anyway, she needs a surgery. An expensive one. And, I guess I should tell you, I’ll be using our money from KissnTell. Austin has already offered up his share and I hope you will, too.”

  I swallowed. I was counting on that money to buy clothes. I was going to Fred Segal with Stella and Ava after school. I knew it would be hard to keep up with their shopping habits even with a few hundred dollars a month to spend. With nothing, it would be impossible. I looked at Anais. She was waiting for my reply. Every second that passed she seemed to grow increasingly horrified. This should have been an easy answer. Of course I will defer my salary to aid your sick mother. But for me, it wasn’t that simple. Why was this my responsibility?

  “What about insurance?” I said warily.

  Anais’s jaw dropped for an instant, before she snapped it shut. “Her insurance doesn’t cover the procedure,” she said coldly. “Are you sure?” I asked.

  She slammed a hand down on the table. “Of course I’m sure,” she seethed.

  I put my hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay,” I said. “I was just asking.”

  Anais rolled her eyes. “I can’t believe you,” she said. “My mom is sick. She could die.

  Do you understand that? I’m asking you for help.” I nodded. I couldn’t speak.

  Anais raised her eyebrows. “This is ridiculous,” she snapped. “I shouldn’t even have to ask. You’re my best friend. And, quite frankly, you haven’t been pulling your weight on the site anyway.”

  I frowned. “What are you talking about?” I shouted. “I gave you Baron Caldwell!” Anais shrugged.

  “And Austin and I got Rihanna, Candace Lopez, all the NYLON Young Hollywood Party coverage, and we’re scouting at Brad Pitt’s after school,” she retorted.

  I shook my head, flummoxed. “Fine!” I shouted. “I don’t need the fucking money!” I shoved away from the table, furious. Anais looked stunned. I took my tray and skulked over to the Shrew Crew’s table, leaving Anais alone, shaking her head, probably ruminating about what a bitch and a bad friend I was. It killed me to know that she wouldn’t be out of line.

  When I reached the table, Stella, Ava, Xander, Miller Toff, and Ellis Leachman were all staring at me, shocked and amused. I sat down in a huff.

  Stella chuckled. “Um, what was that?” she said, unable to mask the pleasure she took in the fact that Anais and I were fighting.

  I shook my head. “Nothing,” I murmured.

  Xander slung an arm around me, which calmed me down slightly. “You’re a little pistol, aren’t you?” he said, tickling me.

  I writhed, but I didn’t laugh. I didn’t have one in me. “What happened between you and Odette earlier?” I blurted.

  Stella glared at me.

  Xander feigned confusion. “When?” he said, taking a massive bite of his cheeseburger.

  “This morning. Before class,” I said. Everyone at the table grew still and awkward while we waited for Xander to finish chewing.

  “She, like, wanted to get back together and shit,” he said finally, wiping his mouth on a napkin. “But I said no, ‘cause like, I’m over it.” I nodded, satisfied, though not exactly happy. “Not that it’s any of your business.” he added, chuckling.

  I shuddered, flushed.

  “Jesus, Xander, she can ask a question,” Stella retorted, coming to my aid.

  I wanted to disappear. As the rest of the table continued on the topic of Odette and how much she sucked now, I stole glances at Anais, reading alone at the table we normally shared together. She must have been so scared when she found out about Pam. She must have been so stressed about raising the money to save her. If she didn’t, she could be an orphan. I tried to absorb it all, to really feel for her, but it was beyond me. And I was afraid my behavior was beyond apologies. When she cleared her tray, I got a clear view of her face. She was holding back tears. I felt like I should be crying, too, but I felt nothing. I was all dried up. Done.

  22.

  THE SWEET LIFE

  Anais

  I didn’t even make it inside the stall. I ignored the girls on the volleyball team, brushing their hair into neat ponytails. I pushed past them, sobbing, my shoulders shaking, went into the last stall in the row, slammed the door, and cried. Believe it or not, it was the first time I had ever cried at school. Up until then, no matter how cruel the Shrew Crew was, no matter how lonely the halls were, there had never really been a reason to get that worked up, because I knew Vaughn would be waiting for me after school. I knew my mom would be home that night. But now, my mom had cancer and Vaughn was the newest member of the Shrew Crew. So what could I do? I cried.

  The only thing remotely keeping me together was Austin. He was picking me up after school to scout out Brad and Angelina’s. I decided to ditch Film Society, even though they were screening Federico Fellini’s seminal classic, La Dolce Vita aka “The Sweet Life.” The title’s meant to be ironic. Life most certainly was not sweet. Life was an asshole.

  I could hear murmuring beyond the stall. People suddenly concerned I was quietly slitting my wrists in here. Or swallowing a bottle of mom’s Dilaudid. Two size seven-and-a- half ballet flats appeared before me, followed by a light rapping on the door. I sighed, willing the flats to walk away. I just wanted to be alone for the next twelve minutes until I had to go to Physics, the worst.

  “Um, Anne-iss?” someone, presumably the girl in the flats, croaked from behind the partition. I rolled my eyes at the vile mispronunciation of my name, which made it sound almost exactly like “anus.” The Shrew Crew’s influence was far-reaching.

  “It’s Anais,” I retorted. “Ah-nah-eese.”

  There was a pause. “Right, um, Anais,” she said gruffly. “Listen, are you, like, okay?” She said it as though my tears were putting her off. Like my sadness was messing with the vibe of her whole day, and she didn’t appreciate it.

&
nbsp; “I’m fine,” I barked. “I just need some time alone.” The words came out harsher than I intended. I watched her flats retreat, startled by the sharp tone of my voice, then stop abruptly.

  “Jesus, I’m just trying to be nice, here,” she snapped.

  I shut my eyes, cringing. I wanted to disappear. When I didn’t respond, I heard her sigh, the ballet flats pivoting and mercifully padding off.

  It was official. People were terrible. Even when they were making a concerted effort to be sympathetic, they still couldn’t help but come off self-involved. I was starting to think I should revise my theory about the Accommodating versus the Selfish Assholes. Pretty much everyone was a Selfish Asshole, while the Accommodating were a breed rarer than polar bears in the age of global warming. I flicked the lock open and grudgingly exited the stall, which made for a pretty bullshit haven to begin with. It was 12:45. I just needed to hold it together for three more hours.

  * * *

  Vaughn wasn’t in any of my classes for the rest of the day, so it was easy enough to keep my head down and power through it. That is, until I went outside to meet Austin, thinking I was home free, and nearly collided with her. She was standing with her hands on her hips near the entrance to Cranbrook, clustered with the Shrew Crew. I stopped short as if I had seen a ghost. She was wearing too much makeup for school, her brow furrowed, lips pursed, head held high, looking at once confident and enraged. It was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers: it was Vaughn, but it wasn’t Vaughn. Stella and Ava went silent as I walked by, watching Vaughn carefully to see what she’d do. Even I paused, mostly instinctively, since as long as I could remember, I paused in the presence of Vaughn, but I also half-expected her to apologize. It had been a whole three hours after all, and I hadn’t heard a word from her—not over text or anything—about my mom, the site, or even our friendship, which suddenly seemed to be hanging by a thread. But she wouldn’t even turn to look at me. She just stared into the distance as though I wasn’t there. What was happening? What did I ever do to her?