Kiss n Tell

by Suzy McCoppin

  Someone was tapping me on the shoulder. I didn’t even care who it was—Vaughn, a total stranger—I could have collapsed into their arms and cried. I whipped around, my breath shallow. It was Raven. I shuddered, leaning on him for support.

  He peered at me curiously, his brow furrowed. “You okay, baby doll?” he asked, rubbing my back. “I arrived just as you and your girl had it out back there,” he said, gesturing to the lobby. “What’s going on?”

  I inhaled, considering what I could possibly say to bring him up to speed. I was at a loss.

  I burst into tears, falling onto his shoulder. “I need to go home!” I wailed.

  “Jesus Christ,” Raven marveled. “It’s worse than I thought.”

  I stood, nodding, wiping my eyes. I tried not to think about the fact that Austin and Stella were still in the bathroom together. I tried not to think about what they were doing in there. I kicked off my shoes, holding them between my fingers, and bolted for the exit. Raven jogged after me, shouting something. I skidded down the stairs, careening past Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan, who looked at me like I was loco. I heard Raven behind me, apologizing for me. When I made it to the valet, I paused, not knowing what my next move was.

  “Guess my cardio for the day’s handled,” Raven panted, finally finding himself at my side. He cocked his head at me, sympathetic. “What the hell are you doing?” he asked softly.

  I sighed, shaking my head. He was wearing pretty heavy foundation and had clearly smeared glittery gunk all over his chest, but aside from my mom and maybe the guys in Film Society, he may have been the last person on earth who truly wanted the best for me.

  I sniffled, taking a deep breath. “I need a cab home,” I said.

  He smiled knowingly, nodding, looking out at all the cars passing on Sunset. “I can do better than that,” he said. “I’ll give you a ride.”

  27.

  TROUBLE AT THE CHATEAU

  Vaughn

  “Hey. Yo. Hello-o?” It was Austin, trying to get my attention, but I couldn’t react. I was staring at the reflection of the twinkling votive candle in the French window next to our table, and I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t move, or even really process anything that was happening around me. I had just changed my life forever. I had just officially destroyed my friendship with Anais. He was tapping me incessantly and with increasing force. Eventually I blinked awake, tearing myself away from the window, and looked at him sleepily.

  “Vaughn, what the hell’s the matter with you?” he shouted. I shook my head. “What?” I managed.

  Austin sighed and put his hands on my shoulders, looking me in the eyes sternly. “WHERE IS ANAIS?” he demanded.

  Anais. The sound of her voice made me twitch. I had no idea where she was, or how she was, or if I’d ever know those things again. Still, I scanned the room for her face.

  “I don’t know,” I said. I remembered her running away from me, past the bouncer and out of sight. I had hurt her so badly. “I think she left,” I said softly.

  Austin’s eyes widened. “She left? Why would she do that?”

  I opened my mouth to reply, but I was pretty sure he didn’t expect an answer from me. He stood with his hands on his hips, surveying the premises for clues to her whereabouts. He padded his pockets for his phone, illuminating it. Clearly, he hadn’t missed a call from her. He threw up his arms in frustration then whirled back around toward me.

  “You were the last person with her,” he said, a little louder, a little sharper. “How could she have left? I was her ride.”

  “I don’t know,” I said again, fidgeting with the bejeweled clutch Ava had lent me after appraising my shabby, fringed leather shoulder bag from Urban Outfitters and deeming it an unfit accessory.

  Austin glared at me. “What happened between you two?” he asked suspiciously.

  “Nothing,” I whined, defensive. I refused to have her disappearance on my conscience on top of everything else.

  He took a step closer to me. “I don’t believe you,” he sneered.

  I scowled at him. “Nothing that would make her leave without you,” I snapped. “I may have upset her, but you must have done something to make her leave.” I leaned closer to him. He was frowning, the wheels turning. “I can’t imagine running off with Stella made her very happy,” I said lightly. Austin sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “What happened between you and Stella anyway?” I pressed.

  “Nothing,” he snapped. “But I can see how it could have been interpreted that way,” he said, quieter. He stomped his foot on the carpet, grunting in frustration. “It’s so fucking annoying, too, because I was doing it for her. For her mom.”

  I flinched. “What about her mom?” I asked.

  Austin shook his head. “Nevermind,” he muttered, wandering off.

  I stood up. If it was about Pam, I wanted to help. “Austin, wait!” I shouted after him. But he was off, taking determined strides toward the door. I was about to chase after him when none other than Baron Fucking Caldwell emerged at the top of the stairs. I froze. I couldn’t remember exactly how I left things with him at the NYLON party—I was wasted—but I was pretty sure he harbored zero warm and fuzzy feelings toward me. I swallowed hard as he lumbered into the room, crinkling his eyes and greeting people with a smug smile.

  I shakily lowered myself into the armchair. Xander and Ellis Leachman were engaged in a heated discussion on the couch opposite me, swapping slurred speech about what I could only guess was sports-related. Miller Toff had his eyes closed on the other side of them, so wasted he was nearly asleep. Stella danced wildly on top of the armchair next to me, her movements all freaky and jerky. Ava was the same way, flinging her hips from side to side, gritting her jaw. Raven, BobbyAnn McGhee, and her posse had disappeared, probably to another, more interesting table.

  I shrunk in my chair, trying to be as invisible as possible. Stella shrieked. I nearly jumped to my feet.

  “Baron Caldwell!” she screamed, and leapt off the chair like a gazelle, flying into his arms. I turned to watch them, frowning. Baron embraced her, chuckling, patting her ass like a child.

  “Hey there, darling,” he cooed, placing her back on the carpet. He took her in: lace top, rabbit fur vest, tighter than tight jeans. He shook his head, pleased. “You’re hotter than I remember,” he said, grinning. She smirked, turning to the group, her arm still around Baron.

  “You know Ava, and this is Miller, Ellis and Xander, and …” She pivoted to face me, steering Baron with her. He narrowed his eyes at me, smiling devilishly. “Obviously, you remember Vaughn,” Stella said, her voice an octave lower.

  “Obviously,” Baron replied. They shared a little laugh together, like I was their inside joke.

  I leaned forward in my chair, smoothing my dress under me. “When did you two get so friendly?” I asked carefully.

  They exchanged an amused look, then turned back to me and, as though rehearsed, said at exactly the same time, “We fucked.”

  My jaw dropped. So did Xander’s and Ellis’s. Miller just applauded them. Ava smiled knowingly.

  I shook my head, at a loss. “Excuse me?” I managed. “When did that happen?” They laughed. “When you passed out on the couch after the NYLON party,”

  Stella said lightly. “I can’t believe you didn’t hear us,” she giggled.

  Ew. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. They had sexual intercourse with me in the room? I stood up slowly, paced a few steps, but there was no place to go. Stella and I were supposed to sleep at Ava’s while her parents were out of town. If I asked Xander to take me home, he’d want to stop somewhere to “get down” in his car. And anyway, if I went home at this point, after midnight, my mom would freak.

  I looked at Baron and Stella, caressing each other like old friends. And the rest of them, so amused by my humiliation. I was a joke to these people. A steppingstone to an even better life. A life of being seen with the real popular people, America’s popular people, the famous people who lounge at the Ch
ateau Marmont.

  “Hey,” Baron grunted, looking around the room. “This place sucks,” he said to Stella, who nodded sagely even though she obviously thought it was cool. “I have a bungalow by the pool for the night, let’s take the party back there,” he said, raising his eyebrows suggestively. “Your friends can come,” he shrugged.

  Stella nodded and looked to the group. “Guys, Baron’s bungalow, let’s go,” she ordered, cocking her neck toward the exit.

  Everyone got up grudgingly, except for me. I remained planted in my seat, still shocked. A waiter raised his eyebrows as they started filing out. “Put his stuff on my tab!” Baron shouted at him, motioning to the trays of French fries with white truffles, the bottle of Crystal, and the bottle of Johnnie Walker Red.

  After a moment, I noticed Xander looming over me. Everyone else had trailed out after Baron and Stella, the crowned king and queen of my fresh hell.

  “Hey, come on,” Xander urged, holding a hand out to me.

  “Can we just stay here?” I asked, hopeful.

  “Alone?” He was frowning.

  “Not alone,” I said. “With me.”

  Xander rolled his eyes. “Now she wants to be alone with me,” he scoffed, taking my hand and yanking me out of the chair.

  I stumbled after him as he trudged onto the patio, trying to keep pace with Miller’s purple Lacoste shirt, bounding about six yards ahead of us. As he dragged me through a garden and over to the pool, I briefly thought about fleeing again. I had a twenty my mom gave me for emergencies only, which would easily get me a taxi to the nearest bus stop. I also had my Paypal card for the KissnTell account. I always kept it on me so I didn’t risk one of my parents discovering it while snooping through my things. But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t dip into that money. It was Pam’s money, now.

  By the time we reached the door, I had resigned myself to deal with this situation. We had caught up to the rest of the group and we all stood, silent and awkward, as Baron struggled to get his key to work. I slipped my arm around Xander, who flinched, surprised by the affection. I had made my bed. Now I had to make the best of it. He threw his arm around my shoulder. He smelled like Acqua di Gio, French fries, and scotch.

  The door finally heaved open and we filed inside. Baron’s “bungalow” was bigger than my family’s house. Miller instantly sprawled out on a slate, wicker sofa in the enormous, greenish-gray room. There was a dining area off to the right, where Baron—all of a sudden the perfect host—shuffled six-packs from the kitchen, which was outfitted with bright, red tiles. I noticed there were three bedrooms off a short hallway past the living room. I had never even heard of a hotel room so extensive. I sighed, lowering myself into one of the wicker armchairs as Xander tossed me a beer. I was already a little woozy from the champagne, but I cracked it open anyway. This wasn’t exactly the most comfortable situation and beer seemed to be the perfect thing to help me phase it out.

  Baron turned on some Lil Wayne and started dancing like a tool. Stella squealed with laughter and they started hardcore making out. I rolled my eyes. Xander followed my line of sight over to Stella and Baron, then frowned at me, kicking the foot of my chair.

  “You jealous?” he taunted.

  I took a sip of beer. “Disgusted is more like it,” I spat, suppressing a belch.

  Xander smirked. “Get up,” he ordered.

  I stood grudgingly, throwing my purse onto the seat of the chair behind me. I couldn’t be bothered to haul around the beer can and the purse. Xander took me by the hand, leading me down the hall.

  “Where are you taking me?” I asked, following him into a perfect, white bedroom. The truth was, as soon as I saw that empty room with that crisp, white duvet, I knew exactly where he was taking me, and I knew why. I was just too tired to fight it. He shut the door behind me, clicking the lock shut. He took me by the hand and gently pulled me onto the bed. He lowered me onto my back and stared at me, squinting his glassy blue eyes. Both bedside lamps were on and I could see beads of sweat on his rosy brow. He brushed my bangs off my face.

  “You are so hot,” he murmured, his voice whiskey-soft.

  He kissed me, climbing on top of me, squirming on the squeaky-clean sheets. I closed my eyes, my toes gripping the soles of my shoes. Some part of me believed if they stayed on, it wouldn’t happen, while another part of me played the part, running my hands through Xander’s wiry, ashy-brown hair, gasping for breath lightly. This was Xander. My dream boy. I wanted this. I kept telling myself, I want this.

  “Take off your dress,” he breathed, moving aside so I could disrobe unfettered.

  I sat up and slowly unzipped my Phillip Lim. I was shaking. I held it up to my chest, unwilling to let it fall. I was mildly comforted by the fact that I was not, for once in my life, wearing granny panties. But this—looking at him glaring at me intensely, panting, my back exposed in the glow of the lamp—didn’t feel real.

  Xander grinned and gently pried my fingers from the iridescent fabric. The dress fell. My heart jumped. It was drafty. I crossed my arms over my chest as Xander kissed my neck softly. I took note of how sweet he was being. I guess all I had to do to make him the ideal boyfriend was fool around with him. I let him push me onto my back once again. He tugged the dress down past my waist, over my butt, revealing my brand new lacy thong from the Gap. It was no Cosabella, but it would do. The dress fell over my knees and onto the hard wood floor with a faint thud. My feet still clung to my shoes like none other. I tried, taking a deep breath, but I couldn’t let go. Xander kissed my stomach for a while and then stopped to gaze at me. “Are you okay?” he asked.

  I frowned, propping myself up on my elbows. The truth was, I had no idea. What, exactly, was supposed to happen here? Was I expected to lose my virginity to him right here, right now, with Stella and Baron Caldwell in the next room?

  “I’m fine,” I murmured. “I just—”

  “It’s okay if it’s your first time,” he interjected, running a hand over my leg. I flinched.

  “It is,” I said, my pulse throbbing in my ears.

  “Are you scared?” he asked, his forehead creased in false concern.

  “Kind of,” I murmured.

  He smiled, sliding to my side, embracing me. “It’s gonna be okay,” he said. “I’m your boyfriend. It’s supposed to happen between us.”

  It was disturbing how quickly the conversation had shifted, skidding from a discussion about my comfort level to a pep talk about my first time, which apparently would be tonight.

  “You definitely want to do it now,” he said softly. “With me, who goes to your school, who’s there for you, not some random dude like Baron Caldwell.” He turned my face to his, his eyes glinting, and smiled. Goddamn, he was so hot. “I really care about you, Vaughn,” he said. “More than I ever thought I could.” He averted his eyes for a second, searching for the next word. “You’re so beautiful,” he continued. “And cool, you know?” I felt my face flush. For the first time that night, I felt a rush of emotion for him, the kind I used to feel when I sat behind him in Biology, back when he could care less about me. He took my face in his hands. “Don’t let anyone tell you different,” he said. “Hell, I won’t let ‘em.”

  I grinned, taking him in my arms. It was that small promise—the promise that I’d never be a reject again, so long as Xander Carrington had anything to do with it—that made me take a breath, unclench my toes and let the shoes drop.

  * * *

  Xander snored next to me, sprawled out, holding the sheets over his crotch, a muscular leg dangling over the side of the bed. I was sore. I clenched my legs together, trying to dull the stinging, but it didn’t do much.

  It was done. I had lost my virginity, and to Xander, my boyfriend. I rolled onto my side and tapped him on the shoulder, desperate to wake him, but he just flinched and swatted me away. I rolled onto my back. I was scared. I wasn’t sure why. We had used a condom. I guess I was scared that I wasn’t feeling what I was supposed to feel afterwards.
I was lonely.

  Somehow, I fell asleep. It felt like I had only slept for a second, a few minutes at most, but when I woke up, my heart was pounding and gray light was seeping through the windows. I could hear everyone laughing and shouting, still partying beyond the door. It must have been six in the morning. I sat up, smoothing my hair over my head, redoing my ponytail. I took a second and collected myself, pulling my thong over my thighs quietly, zipping my dress. I wanted to appear as together as possible. I didn’t want anyone to know what went on in here. I didn’t want to talk about it. At least not with them.

  I crept into the hall, shutting the door behind me, and instantly heard my name. “Vaughn.”

  I stopped. “Let’s see what Vaughn’s got in here,” the voice said. It was Stella. I could tell by the uncomfortably high frequency of her voice. Got in where? I thought. I tiptoed along the wall in shadow until I had a decent view of the sitting area. Stella and Baron were on the couch together, obviously wasted. Miller was still asleep but had somehow been moved to the floor.

  And Ava and Ellis occupied the two armchairs. I got into position just in time to see Stella retrieve my phone from my purse, squealing Ah-ha! and tossing the purse and the rest of its contents into Baron’s lap.

  “Maybe there are naked pictures on here,” Stella giggled, nudging Baron.

  “Seen it,” Baron announced, wagging his hand in a so-so gesture, which made Stella throw her head back with laughter.

  I so deeply wanted to barge in there and stop them, but there was something irresistible about knowing how other people talked about you when you weren’t around, even if it sucked. I held my breath, bracing myself for more.

  “No pictures,” Stella said. “Except for some stupid ones of a dog.”

  Truffles, I thought, suddenly longing to be on the Martel’s couch, snuggled up with his stinky nose in my face.