by Kahlen Aymes
“I’ll figure this out, Cade, okay?” I promised. “You need to get to bed, sweet boy. I’ll be dreaming of you tonight,” I whispered softly.
“Ugh, God, Brook!” he groaned, and I could tell he didn’t want to hang up. After a short silence, he said, “I love you, babe, and miss you so much.”
“Yeah, I miss you, too. You’re all I think about. Sleep tight.” As I hung up the phone, I knew he was probably hurt I didn’t say I loved him in return, but it didn’t feel right to do it over the phone. I crawled into bed, and wrapped my arms tightly around my body. As I tried to push back the loneliness of not having Cade within minutes of me, tears slipped from my closed eyes.
Chapter 5
Misunderstood
Time passed as it always does.
A week after I got home, Cade sent me a song for my iPod called “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles, without any message connected to it. But, the message was clear: I don’t want to love you if we can’t be together, but I can’t fucking help it, and I will love you until I die. Cade was a musician, and music was a form of communication he excelled in, and he’d made his point, yet again.
The song was beautiful. I listened to it constantly; my heart swelling and aching each time. I learned to play it on the guitar he’d given me for my birthday two months before. It had a way of calming me down, and closing the distance between us.
One thing was clear; I had to break up with David because of my longing for Cade. He’d been with me for such a long time, and it wouldn’t be easy. Right or wrong, I was putting it off, and was to the point of avoiding him completely since my return from Vancouver. It was obvious he was getting agitated, which would only make things worse.
I kept busy with my friends, my agent and managers. The studio people sent a list of promotional activities and photo shoots that would be done in the months leading up to the premieres. Cade and I had a few interviews, some together and some separately. We had the MTV award show at the end of May, the Entertainment Weekly Photo shoot in June, and then Vanity Fair photo shoot and Comic Con in July. I’d heard that Comic Con was a madhouse, and would be our first taste of the fans’ reaction to the trailers for the movie. It all felt like a dream or someone else’s life.
I knew I had to deal with the David situation before Cade came back to the States.
He and I kept in touch through phone calls or texts at least once a day. We Skyped a couple of times and it was those times I lived for. Cade being in the news, all over twitter, and Facebook was becoming a problem for me. All I did was Google him. I wanted to know about him, but I was beginning to feel like a stalker, and some of that shit hurt. So I stopped. It was hard, but I forced myself to do it.
Every time either of us went anywhere, there were Paparazzi trying to shoot photos of us, and my agent warned it would only get worse. I should have been stoked for the attention. This was my first taste of fame, but after talking to Cade for hours, and hearing his disgust about how those people were so ruthless, stopping at nothing to get a photo op, and constantly twisted the truth, my opinion did a one eighty.
When I’d signed on to the film, I knew nothing about the books or story at all, but through filming, it became more and more popular. Now it was freaking everywhere I looked.
Finally, three weeks after I returned from set, I gathered my courage and met David out for lunch to talk to him. He was grinning when he first arrived, but that didn’t last long.
“How have you been Brook? It’s good to see you, finally. I’ve missed you.” He reached for my hand from across the table, and I let him take it.
“Thanks, David. You look good, too. Anything new with you?” I was hedging, struggling for a way to begin. The waitress came by for our order, and after she left, we sat looking at each other and after a few minutes of small talk, the strain between us elevated. Finally, I dove in.
“David, you’ve always been good to me, and you know I love you, right?” I reached for his hand again, and forced a small smile to my lips. Right in the middle of it, the Paparazzi popped up from behind a wall and snapped twenty shots in about half as many seconds. What the fuck was that? I blinked.
Great, this was just what I needed; the breakup scene on national magazine covers. I shook away the thought. I wasn’t even popular. No one cared about me beyond that I was in a movie with a few big names.
“Yeah, I love you too, Brook, you know that.” He smiled at me, and rubbed my fingers with his thumb. “I’m so glad you got over your infatuation with Carlisle. What a womanizer he turned out to be, huh?”
I tried to ignore the pain David’s comments caused, but truth was, I’d seen some photos of Cade out in London with his friends, and there were always willing women waiting in the wings. If I were honest, it made something hurt deep in pit of my stomach when I saw it. I glanced at my wrist. This would be the last time I didn’t wear the bracelet Cade had given me. I pulled my other hand free of David’s.
“He’s not the source of our conversation today, okay?” I paused to organize my thoughts. “David, I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to come out and say it.” I took a deep breath. “You’ve been such an important part of my life, and I’ll always care about you.”
He put his hand up to stop me. “What the fuck is this Brook?” He exploded, causing people at other tables to glance at us. “You’re dumping me?” he asked incredulously, then measurably lowered his voice. He was almost laughing, like it was such a ridiculous thing. “I should be the one dumping you for parading that peacock around in front of me like you’ve done. You humiliated me, and yet, I stayed with you.”
I felt my face flush hot. “I wasn’t parading him anywhere at all! He was, and is a good friend of mine, as you are.” I stopped and looked in his eyes, but ended up shaking my head. “I hoped you’d also realized we have just grown apart, David.” I looked at him with sadness in my heart. “What we had was more of a crush, and not really love. I wasn’t old enough to do some of the things we did. I’m very sorry. I care about you, and I still want us to be friends.” He looked angry, not broken, so hopefully he wouldn’t suffer from this. “That’s what we have been mostly. Friends.”
His face was red, and I could see that he was ready to bolt out of the restaurant.
“Friends who fucked, you mean?” he spat.
I sighed. “David! There are Paparazzi around, so let’s not make a scene please. Bad press won’t help either of us, and aren’t you in negotiations for a new movie right now?” He hesitated then visibly relaxed. “Let’s just finish our lunch, and hug goodbye like we normally would. Please?”
His voice was bitter when he said, “I guess I shouldn’t expect dramatic tears, and crying for this goodbye, right? Should I sing you a song?” he asked sarcastically.
I felt bad he was hurt, but he was starting to piss me off. “Stop acting like an asshole! It isn’t going to change the way I feel.” I sighed, softening my voice. “I’d still like to be friends. I never wanted to hurt you. Please believe that. I’m sorry.”
He didn’t say anything else as we finished our lunch, though neither of us ate much of anything. “I’m not sure how I’m feeling, or if I’ll be able to be friends. I’ll have to let you know after some time passes,” he said. I was shocked at his change from rage to quiet contemplation.
“Okay, I respect that. Thank you for being so understanding.” I reached out toward him to touch his cheek. He smiled weakly as I got up from the table. “Do you want to walk a little? I’m meeting Wendy for shopping. Why don’t you join us? I really meant it when I said I wanted to stay friends.”
David looked at me for a second then shook his head. He put on his sunglasses. “No. I better just go.”
He stood up, and I stepped in to hug him goodbye. When I tried to give him a kiss on the cheek, he grabbed my head and turned to kiss me full on the mouth. Click, click, click, click went the cameras, faster than lightning. When he released me, he smiled an evil smile. It was a fucking set up!
My mind shouted.
“Thanks a lot, David.” I said, my lips tight when I jerked away from him. “You’re such a prick!”
“My pleasure,” he stated smugly. “Hope Mr. Wonderful enjoys those pictures. Let’s just say they’re my parting gift to the two of you.”
“So much for being friends, I guess. You really make me sad.” I scowled at him for a couple of seconds, upset by his actions. Of course, no paparazzi blitz was going on now. “Goodbye, David.” I walked out of the restaurant, leaving him standing beside the table.
Of course, there would be photos on the Internet by that evening. I could see it now. “Julia forgetting Ryan with long-time boyfriend!” in the rag headlines. I groaned. Stupid, stupid, stupid!! I was furious with for getting into that position in the first place.
Cade hadn’t pressed me to officially break up David since the first conversation when he asked me to make a decision, however, I knew he was anxiously waiting for the day when he could be open about his feelings.
He was spending a lot of time with his friends in London working on his music, and as the hype over the film grew, we were both in the news more and more. It was tough seeing each other’s lives happening from a distance. I couldn’t help it, from time to time, I still followed Cade online, and I knew he did the same. I just hoped he would have a sense of humor over these new photos. Ugh! I hated this feeling of dread that felt like it weighed a thousand pounds.
I decided to nip it in the bud, so took out my phone to text him. Not that he had ever pressured me for explanations, but I didn’t want to hurt him.
Hey, you… miss you. Can we talk tonight?
I pressed send. I waited for about two hours before I got a response.
Have a gig with a couple of my mates, so I can’t talk now. Call you when I can.
You’re always on my mind.
It seemed to take longer for the responses lately. I reminded myself that it was 9:30 PM in London, so he was probably on some stage. My stomach always got tight wondering what Cade was doing with his evenings without me. He was a hot commodity; a lot of women wanted him. Why would he want me when he could have anyone? I fought back the feelings that made my stomach and my head ache, and told myself that he loved me. I replayed our last moments together, over and over in my head. Even looking forward to the nights when I could crawl in bed, wrap my arms around a pillow, and think of him without the intrusion of anyone or anything else.
The next day, I still hadn’t heard from him, and I was starting to really panic. It wasn’t like Cade to leave my messages unanswered, and I couldn’t help feeling nervous and worried. My brother was the only person who knew about Cade and I besides my mom, so I went to find to him. I needed to talk.
He was in his room playing his Xbox, and looked up from the TV when I walked into his room. “Hey, sis, what’s up?”
“Nate, I really need to talk about Cade. Do you have a few minutes?”
“Sure, Brooks.” He put down the game, and patted the sofa next to him. I sat down beside him, absentmindedly flipping my phone around in my hands. I accidentally dropped it to the floor, and Nate stretched to pick it up.
I began to fiddle with the strands of my hair, still dark from filming. “You know Cade and I have been keeping in pretty close contact since he left. I guess this distance thing isn’t very easy on me.”
“Yeah?”
I tried to get to the point. “A couple of days ago, I met David to tell him I wanted to break up, and even though I didn’t tell anyone about it, there were Paparazzi there.” I hesitated.
A frown dropped Nate’s brow. “Is there a point in here somewhere, Brook? You’re going to have to get used to the media blitz. It will only get worse, if you’re lucky.” He smirked at me.
I sat there wringing my hands, and he put one of his over them to stop me. I didn’t give a shit about the movie, the possible fame, or anything else beyond Cade’s misunderstanding.
“The point is, that at the end of it all, I tried to kiss him goodbye. I meant to kiss him on the cheek, but he twisted his head, and kissed me on the mouth.”
His eyes got wider in realization. “Oh, I see. So, now there are pictures of you ‘kissing’ David, and you can’t get Cade to answer you, right?”
“Yes, exactly.” I got off the sofa to pace around the room. I had all of this nervous energy that I couldn’t get rid of. “Like I said, Cade and I never really defined our relationship, but I know those pictures will hurt him, Nate. Do you think he would distrust me that much, that he won’t even call to ask me about it?”
“It depends. There is a history with David, Brook. Cade knows that.”
Deep down, I knew he was right. Cade would immediately assume I’d changed my mind.
“Oh, God, I feel sick,” I moaned, and I sank back down beside my brother.
“Why don’t you text him? I guarantee he’ll at least read it. Not sure if he’ll answer.” He reached out to touch my hand. “It depends on how upset he is. Brook, you really love this guy, don’t you?”
“Yes,” I said as I nodded. “More than I even want to. I’m agonizing over that he may be hurting or mad at me, and I didn’t even do anything.” I could feel the tears prick the backs of my eyes. “What should I say?”
“Just be honest. That’s all you can do.”
I struggled with what I’d say to Cade as I took out my phone. How could I say it so he’d hear me? My life had gotten so much more complicated, and probably for the first time ever, I actually cared what someone thought about me. If someone had told me I’d be acting like this about someone else’s reaction, or give away that much power over how I felt, I would have laughed.
Cade, we need to talk. I miss you. I’m worried. Please respond in some way.
I read the text to Nate, and after his nod of approval, hit send.
Soon my phone vibrated, and I could feel the blood rushing to my head, pounding until my brain hurt. My face felt hot, and my hands trembled. I was afraid to read it.
I saw that you made your choice, Brooklyn. Let’s not make it harder than it is. I understand, but I’m not ready to talk. I don’t know if I ever can.
My heart lurched in my chest.
“Oh no, Nate!” My heart sped up so fast I thought it would fly right out of my chest. The heat in my face began to hurt, and my lungs constricted. “He thinks I decided I didn’t want him! How? How can he do that without talking to me?” The pain and panic was clear in my voice.
My brother seemed to be at a loss for words, and he just looked at me, in shock.
Cade, don’t do this. It’s not what you think. Let me explain. Please.
I couldn’t ever remember feeling this flustered or filled with panic in my life.
Nate put a hand on my shoulder. “What’s he saying?” he asked.
“He won’t let me explain,” I said softly, my eyes welling with tears.
Not long after, my phone vibrated in my hand again.
Brook, let’s not drag it out, please. I get that for you it was only about the movie,
but it was so much more for me. I need some space to deal. Sorry.
Chapter 6
Damage Control
I started shaking so badly that Nate stood up to take a hold of me. His arms around me were the only thing keeping me from falling. What was I going to do?
Damn David for doing this, and damn Cade for not giving me a chance to explain!
I felt angry and frustrated; the type of frustration that made tears impossible to hold back. I pulled away from my brother to frantically pace around his room. My mind was racing, my heart pounding, as I struggled to figure out what to do. Then it dawned on me.
“Nate, I have to find him. Now. He’s thinking the wrong thing and he won’t answer his freaking phone.”
“You’re going to England?” His face held a stunned expression. He followed me into my room, and watched me pull my suitcase from my closet. “Isn’t that kind of drastic?” Nate asked.
No, it was necessary.
I was so mad, but it was more than anger, I was desperate to make Cade understand the truth of what happened. I ignored my brother, and called my manager. She would book me a flight to London right away. When the call ended I pulled out my suitcase, and started packing.
“Will you tell mom and dad where I went, please?”
He looked at me as if I was crazy. “Hell, no, I won’t! Dad would kick my ass if I let you run off halfway around the world by yourself. I’m coming along. Call Jeanie back and have her get me a ticket, too.” He left the room in whirlwind. I stood frozen for a minute after he rushed out to go pack his own bags. He was amazing, and I couldn’t ask for a better brother.
On the long flight to London, I tried to sleep, but I was too jacked up. I worried over how I’d find Cade once I got there and what his reaction might be. If I called him, chances were he wouldn’t answer, so how would I find him? I bit my lip as I considered my options. Gavin could help me because he and Cade had become good friends. When we landed I called him from the customs line.
“Gavin, it’s me, Brooklyn.”
“Hey, Brook! It’s good to hear from you, how have you been?” His voice was warm.
“Not so great. I have to find Cade. I don’t want him to know that I’m in London, until he sees me here.” I spoke too fast, and couldn’t hide the desperation in my voice.
“Brook, you’re in London? Is something wrong?” His voice was laced with concern.
“I’m sorry, Gavin. I don’t have time to tell you the whole story, but to summarize, Cade thinks I was kissing David and he won’t let me explain.”