All Grown Up

by Larissa de Silva

  My eyes widened. “You think he’s married?”

  “I don’t know,” she said, taking her phone out of her pocket. “But there is a quick way to find out.”

  I turned away from her. “Cool, find out if he is married, but I don’t want to know anything else.”

  I could feel her gaze on me. “You haven’t even googled this guy?”

  “I didn’t have to Google him. I know him.”

  I heard her typing on the keyboard on her phone. “What did you say his name was?”

  “Jody Banks.”

  “Joey?”

  “No. J-O-D-Y,” I spelled it out for her.

  She giggled. “Good name,” she said. “Badass.”

  “Fuck you,” I said, biting my lower lip. “You should see his arms. They are badass.”

  “Badass?” she said.

  “You know,” I replied. “Sculpted. Gorgeous. And he has this tattoo and—”

  “Is this him?” she asked, flashing her phone in front of me. “The hunk wearing that hoodie?”

  “I wouldn’t call him a hunk.”

  “What would you call him, then?”

  I bit my lower lip. “Yeah,” I said. “That’s him.”

  “And he asked you out.”

  “Sort of,” I said.

  “And you said yes?”

  “No,” I said. “I said we could be friends and that was that. I didn’t know if we could be anything else.”

  She thought for a second. “Because you don’t want to be,” she said. “Even though he’s hotter than the sun.”

  “He’s still my ex-boyfriend,” I replied. “Things are complicated.”

  “Things are only as complicated as you make them,” she replied. “And I have a feeling you are making this as complicated as you can.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “Right,” she said. “You know what actually isn’t fair? That you have this guy after you, and he seems really nice, and really hot, and a little rough around the edges, but you’re not giving him a chance.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Why should I give him a chance? You know what he did.”

  She nodded. “Yes, but he apologized. Imagine if the people who knew you thought you were the same as what you were like in school.”

  I laughed, pushing her away playfully. “That was uncalled for.”

  “I’m just the only one in your life willing to speak sense to you.”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “Whatever the case is, it’s not going to happen,” I replied. “I probably won’t see him again, unless he lands in the hospital once more, and we can only hope that doesn’t happen.”

  “Wait, he didn’t even get your phone number?”

  I shook my head. “No, but how do you know that?”

  She shrugged her shoulders that time, looking away from me. “I’m psychic. No, seriously, I just think… I just think it’s a bit of a shame. He seems like a great opportunity.”

  I scoffed. “He’s not an opportunity. He is a person.”

  “Great. A person you like.”

  I bit on my lower lip. “I’m going to go get some coffee.”

  “I can tell that this means you like him,” she said, as I walked away from her. I resisted the urge to flip her off as I made my way downstairs toward the cafeteria. I could have gotten coffee from one of the vending machines near one of the many waiting areas around me, but I didn’t like machine-made cappuccino, and I could afford the luxury of having a real cappuccino every day. There was also the fact that I wanted to get away from my best friend, because I didn’t want to keep discussing this.

  I didn’t want to keep discussing him at all. If it was up to me, I wouldn’t have thought of him at all. I needed to stop thinking about him. I needed to focus on more important things, like work. Or like coffee.

  I only managed to think about it for a few seconds as I descended the stairs and walked towards the cafeteria. My breath practically caught in my throat as I saw him, recognizable in his leather jacket, even from behind.

  I told myself to just go upstairs. I didn’t want to run into him. The only reason I had left Cam’s side was so I wouldn’t have to think about him anymore, but of course, there he was. The universe had decided, once again, not to give me a fucking break.

  Maybe if I just stood quietly behind him, he wouldn’t notice that it was me. Then he craned his neck, his gaze instantly finding me. He turned around quickly, facing me, a huge smile on his face. “Funny running into you here.”

  I smiled at him. “I work here.”

  “Don’t you have different cafeterias for the staff?”

  “No. Course not.”

  He shrugged his shoulders. “Guess this hospital isn’t as fancy as I thought.”

  I laughed. “How fancy did you think it was?”

  “My expectations were way up here,” he said, gesturing with his hand way over his head, then slowly lowering it until it was level with his shoulders. “But after tempering them, they should maybe be here.”

  “Just on the cafeteria front?”

  He leaned forward, moving slightly so that he could whisper in my ear. “No, I hear the doctors also suck.”

  I laughed, moving away slightly. “You’re not hurt again, are you?”

  He shook his head. “No, thankfully. I’m just here to visit. And also, to get you dinner, if you want me to.”

  I smiled at him, waving him off as I did so. “No, there’s no need for you to do that. I already ate, and I just wanted some coffee.”

  “Please let me buy you the coffee.”

  “Okay, but I have to warn you, I have expensive taste.”

  “In coffee?”

  I nodded. “Yes,” I said. “Among other things.”

  “Okay,” he replied. “My only condition is that I get your phone number.”

  For a brief second, I wondered if Cam and Jody were communicating somehow, but quickly shook that thought out of my mind. “What makes you think I’m going to give you that?”

  “Well, you haven’t said no, so I can only take that as a good sign.”

  “Give me your phone,” I said.

  He did as he was told, handing me his unlocked phone. I punched my phone number in and then gave myself a call. My phone vibrated in my pocket.

  “There,” I said. “Only call me if it is something important.”

  We moved ahead in the line, only two people away from being attended to.

  He smirked at me. “What counts as important?”

  “That’s for you to decide.”

  He nodded, his gaze darting away from me. “Okay,” he said. “But what if I decide, and I’m wrong. What happens then?”

  “That’s easy. I just hang up on you.”

  “I would like to have some guidelines,” he said. “I think it’s only fair.”

  I laughed. “You’re a big boy. You can figure it out yourself.”

  He opened his mouth to say something else, but before he could, something else got his attention. I hadn’t seen the man who had walked up to him, and while Jody was tall, this person towered over him. He was about a head taller than Jody, and generally, much burlier too. His clothes were very large, and somehow, it looked like he was also about to burst them open simply by virtue of existing in them. His skin was paperwhite, almost the color of his shirt, and the only bit of color on his face were his eyebrows, dark, bushy black eyebrows that framed an otherwise mostly entirely forgettable face.

  But that was just his face.

  While it might have been forgettable, the rest of him was too intimidating, and I could see how he had commanded Jody’s attention so immediately and thoroughly.

  The tall man smiled, his smile never quite reaching his eyes. “Jody,” he said, his voice much higher than I’d expected it to be. “Didn’t think you would be showing your face here.”

  “This is a hospital. I am allowed to be here,” he said, his tone as jovial as the tall man’s. They were making it sound like a joke, but
it didn’t feel like a joke, and I could see that Jody had placed himself in the space between the tall man’s body and my body, directly between us.

  “It’s not about whether you’re allowed. It’s about whether it’s a good idea or not. Do you think it’s a good idea?”

  Jody chuckled, shaking his head a little. “I have as much right to visit as you do.”

  “Exactly,” he said. “You do have as much right to visit as I do, and later, we should all go to your place. Once they get out. The doctors are taking very good care of our friends. Speaking of which, who is your friend here?”

  His gaze darted toward me, but then he took another step close to the tall man. “That’s nobody,” he said. “I have hardly seen her before.”

  I felt the flash of red-hot anger all over my body, particularly in my face. I heard them continue their conversation for a few seconds, but I wasn’t sure what they were saying. By the time I managed to catch my breath, I was already in the hallway of the emergency room, waiting for my work night to start in earnest.

  And waiting to forget about fucking Jody Banks.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  2019

  I spent the rest of my shift furious.

  There might have been other reasons for him to do what he did, but I couldn’t think of any. He might have paid lip service to the fact that he wasn’t ashamed of me, but actions always spoke louder than words, and his actions were those of someone who was still ashamed of me.

  I couldn’t believe I had let myself be put in that position. In the position where he could act as if he didn’t know me, as if it was cool that I wasn’t part of his life.

  And I wasn’t. I didn’t want to be that person in anyone’s life.

  He might have had unsavory friends, but that didn’t mean anything. What happened was simple and straightforward. He had pulled exactly the same move that he had when we were in school and it was clear to me that I couldn’t expect any better from him.

  Cam had been wrong. She had been way off base when she had said that he had grown up, and so had he. I had been so close to believing him, but I was now glad that I had treaded lightly, that I hadn’t just fallen for it, hook, line and sinker.

  Jody was charming. If I had been a little younger, a little more naïve, I might have believed his routine. But I was old enough to know better.

  I went home, still angry. The night had been surprisingly calm, which was good. I never wanted to be distracted when I was treating patients, though I was pretty good at compartmentalizing. At least it felt like I had been until Jody walked back into my life.

  I told myself I was being ridiculous. I shouldn’t have cared this much about this. He was just a part of my past, and I didn’t want to have to deal with that.

  I was only going to focus on my future. I wasn’t going to focus on him. Clearly, that was going to get me absolutely nowhere.

  I was thinking about that when the phone rang. I had left it on my desk, near the kitchen, as I was getting ready for bed. I had just put my stuff down and kicked off my shoes. Naturally, I went to get my phone, thinking that some sort of emergency had happened.

  No one called me at six in the morning, especially not when I was on night shift, unless it was a really big emergency.

  I put the phone to my ear. “Hello?”

  “Hello. I didn’t think you would answer,” Jody’s voice said. He sounded very surprised. “If I had thought that you would, I would have something prepared.”

  “Don’t call me again—”

  “Wait,” he said. “Before you hang up. Will you just give me a chance to explain?”

  “You have two minutes. Which is more time than you deserve.”

  “I know. I know that.”

  “Great. One minute and forty-five seconds…”

  “Wait, wait. Okay, so that guy, you know, the one who came up to us?”

  “Yeah.”

  “That guy is bad news. I didn’t want to introduce you, because I didn’t want to put you in danger.”

  “You think that you introducing me to some random guy is going to put me in danger?”

  He laughed, no humor in his voice. “Well, when you put it like that, it sounds a bit ridiculous. But yeah. Look, these guys, they don’t like me. They’re scary and they are big, and I’m happy to take a beating for the things I’ve done.”

  I winced at that. “Sorry, what?”

  “Because that’s what is going to end up happening with those guys,” he said. “It’s complicated, and I don’t want to bring you into it, but it’s also really simple. Ultimately, those guys don’t like me. Which is okay. I can deal with it. But if they don’t like me, and they know about you, and they know that I like you, that becomes a problem. Do you understand?”

  “No,” I said, shaking my head. “We were just in a cafeteria together. It’s hardly like we were getting married.”

  I heard his smile in his voice when he spoke again. “Yes, but I do make it a point in my life to have as few attachments as possible. They’ll find something to hold onto. Something to hurt me with. I actually care about you, and I don’t want it to be you.”

  “So that’s why you denied ever knowing me?”

  “Yes. And why I would always deny knowing you, to people like that.”

  “But you hang out around people like that.”

  “I know. Hey, if it makes you feel better, if we did start dating, I would be embarrassed to introduce my friends to you, not the other way around.”

  I laughed, despite myself. “This does not redeem you. If anything, it just makes me worry about your well-being. Can you get out of that life?”

  “Maybe. I’ve just never had a reason to.”

  “Is your well-being not a good enough reason?”

  “No, because it’s not like I can just go and get another job anywhere. I have a criminal record and no one’s interested in hiring a felon. Even if I started at the very bottom, they do criminal checks for that,” he said. “I have to make a living. I tried to make an honest living and the system was like, fuck you, so I’m doing what I have to do.”

  I swallowed, sitting down on one of my dining room chairs. I topped against the glass as I thought about what to say to him. “That sounds really terrible.”

  “Not really. I’m used to it,” he replied. “It is what it is. I’ll find a way to make park volunteer clean-up a job yet.”

  “Is that what you do for fun?”

  He laughed. “Fun is a strong word,” he said. “But I do like to do it. I feel bad for all the animals who choke on plastic and all that kind of stuff. Plus, I do find it relaxing to be outside, but doing it with a purpose. That feels pretty cool.”

  “That’s really kind of you.”

  He waited for a beat. “Does that mean you forgive me?”

  “I guess. I want you to be able to introduce me to your friends.”

  “If it makes you feel better,” he said. “Those guys are hardly my friends.”

  I shook my head. “Whatever the reason,” I said. “I don’t want to go out on a date with someone who might not want me to be part of his life. Like, really part of his life. I’m not anyone’s secret. I refuse to be.”

  He sighed deeply. For the first time since we had started speaking again, I thought I could sense actual fear in his voice. “I get it,” he said. “And I get why you wouldn’t want to date me. I just—I really like you. If you want to hang out, that’s totally fine. If you don’t, I promise I’ll leave you alone.”

  I sighed. “Figure out how you can make me part of your life, and I’ll let you take me to dinner. How does that sound?”

  “Totally reasonable,” he said. “When do you have time?”

  “I’ll text you,” I said. “I’m exhausted. I need to go to sleep.”

  “Sweet dreams, Jess,” he said. “Talk to you soon.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “You too.”

  When I hung up the phone, I was smiling.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN
>
  2019

  It was later in the month that I finally managed to make time to go out with him. I kept canceling, because my schedule was so weird, and I was so exhausted, but I did want to see him, and the closer it got to our date, the more nervous I got.

  I knew it was a little ridiculous. There was no need for me to be nervous, not about seeing him again. But I was. I was very nervous about seeing him again, I was nervous about dating him. I was nervous about just going for dinner with him, probably because being around him made me feel very vulnerable.

  It made me feel very much like a teenager, and I wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. I looked at myself in the mirror as I considered this. I was wearing a knee-length black dress with lace trimming on the skirt and around the sleeves. I wore my hair down in soft waves, curled my eyelashes, put on dark red lipstick, and decided on the silver necklace over the gold one. I picked a pair of dark dangly earrings with silver details before deciding that I looked just fine.

  I only had a few more seconds of staring at myself in the mirror when I heard the car pull up outside my house. I walked toward the door, peeped through the looking hole, and straightened up my dress as I wondered if he was going to come knock on my door.

  He did. I watched as he walked over to my door, wearing tight jeans and a long-sleeve gray shirt which showed off his muscles, even through the distorted image of the peephole. I didn’t want to seem overeager so I walked back to the living room, sat down on the sofa and grabbed a book before he rang the doorbell.

  I took a second to stand up and walk over to the door. I opened it and smiled at him. He smiled back at me from the threshold, his eyes shining. “Hi,” he said. “I was a little early so I was sitting in my car like a creep, then I worried the police was going to get called on me because this is a nice neighborhood.”

  “And you’re a suspicious man.”

  “My car costs less than ten grand,” he replied. “I’m most definitely a suspicious presence here.”

  I smiled. “A fresh presence, you mean,” I said. “Plus, I mean, after the state you said your car was in, I figure…”

  He shook his head, holding his hand up so I would stop talking. “No,” he said. “That was a car. I didn’t say that it was my car.”