All Grown Up

by Larissa de Silva

  I knew he was responsible for some of it, but certainly not for all of it. He had tried to get out. He didn’t deserve to be the one taking the fall.

  I sat down next to him.

  He picked up his head and smiled at me. “I didn’t think you would make it.”

  “Just because it took me like an hour to get here?”

  “No,” he replied. “I thought you had come to your senses. I thought maybe you had found a doctor to date or something. You know, someone who isn’t getting you into a world of shit.”

  “Ew,” I replied, wrinkling my nose. “Gross. Doctors are so arrogant.”

  He laughed. “That’s not my experience,” he said. He stopped moving his foot up and down, and he looked at me, his gaze on my face for a few seconds before he spoke again. “In any case, you didn’t have to get involved.”

  “I know. I wanted to get involved, otherwise, I wouldn’t be here. I noticed you were pulling away, and I was worried about you.”

  He rolled his eyes, a smile still on his face. “Nothing gets past you, does it?”

  “I wouldn’t say that,” I said, moving slightly so I was close enough to him that I could feel the heat from his body. I put my head on his shoulder and he draped an arm around me, holding me close. “You just seemed so interested before, and I don’t know, having you be all cold… it felt off.”

  I felt him breathe deeply next to me, his body moving slightly when he did. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’ve been thinking about it so much. I wish I could have told you, but it wasn’t until today that I made up my mind.”

  I nodded, looking up at his profile. My gaze lingered on his features, on his well-defined brows, on the line of his nose, on his slightly parted lips. I could have kept staring at him for ages. It would have been easier if I did, because I wanted to. I wanted to look at him for as long as I could.

  He craned his neck to look at me and flashed me a pained smile. “What is it?” he asked.

  I sighed deeply. “I don’t know. I guess this is a bit selfish of me, but I was just picturing our life together. I don’t want to come on too strong, but it felt nice to think that we had a future together.”

  I watched his throat work as he swallowed. “We can still have a future together.”

  “Yes,” I said, sighing and turning away from him before I continued. “A very far future, considering you’re probably going to jail.”

  “You don’t know that,” he said, his voice thin.

  I turned to face him again. “I do, though,” I said. “I know exactly what what you’re doing means. You’re going to go in there, you’re going to confess, and they are going to book you in. They are going to fingerprint you, photograph you, match you up with your records.”

  He looked at me, his expression impossible to read.

  “You won’t have a lawyer, so you won’t be able to defend yourself. You will end up incriminating yourself, taking the rap for something you didn’t do, and you’re probably going to go away for long longer than if you didn’t do this.”

  He shook his head. “You’re making it sound worse than it is. They’ll cut me a break.”

  “You mean you hope they’ll cut your break,” I said, looking right at him. “You can’t know that they will. You can’t know anything. This is a huge risk and it might not turn out the way you want it to.”

  He moved away from me, his eyes ablaze with fury. “You need to stop. I told you couldn’t change my mind. You need to stop trying.”

  “I’m not trying to talk you out of anything. I’m just trying to make you see what’s actually going to happen if you do this.”

  He shook his head, his hands fists on his lap. “No,” he said. “You’re wrong.”

  I stared at him. “And what’s your guarantee that I’m wrong? Why is it so hard for you to imagine that what I’m saying might actually make sense?”

  He shook his head again. “It’s not hard for me to imagine. I just don’t want you to be right.”

  “Do you think that is a good enough reason to ignore me?”

  He opened his mouth slightly before he scoffed. “You know, for someone as smart as you, you can be kind of obtuse.”

  “No,” I said, shaking my head too, staring right back at him. I could feel the anger building up in my chest, climbing up my body until it reached the top of my head. I had to grit my teeth before I continued, spitting every single word out with a mix of derision and anger. “I’m not being obtuse. I’m working with the information that you’re given me. If there is other information, and you’re keeping that for me, then that’s on you. You know that that’s on you.”

  His jaw tightened as he looked me up and down. “Has it ever occurred to you that I might be keeping things from you for your own safety?”

  “Yes,” I said, practically screaming at him through my teeth, though I was trying my best to be discreet because we were in public. I didn’t want any attention to be called to us, because things were already tense enough. For a split second, I wondered if this would count as our first fight. “It has occurred to me. You don’t get to make that decision for me, remember?”

  He shook his head. “You are so fucking stubborn,” he said. “It’s ridiculous. You haven’t changed a bit.”

  “Neither have you!” I exclaimed. “You’re the same. Just doing weird, shady—”

  “Stop!” he said. “Stop! I’m doing it for you, okay?”

  “What?”

  “I’m doing this for you,” he said. “Just—I don’t want you to get hurt, they are after me again, this is the only way I can protect you, alright?”

  “I don’t need protection,” I replied. “I’m a big girl.”

  “You do need protection!” he said, so loudly he practically startled the birds that were all around us. “Of course you need protection. I love you, Jess, I don’t want anything to happen to you—”

  “Wait,” I said, holding a hand up to stop him. He quieted down immediately as he realized what he had said, looking me up and down.

  He opened his mouth, as if he was going to say something, but he closed it before he could.

  My eyes widened a little as I looked at him. “You love me?” I repeated, my voice a whisper.

  “Yes,” he said, just as quietly. “Is that so hard for you to believe?”

  I blinked a little as I thought about what I was supposed to say. My heart was doing flips in my chest as I thought about it, and as my gaze settled on his face again, there was no doubt that I felt the same way.

  My face inched closer to his and I kissed him on the lips, losing myself in how soft his touch was, losing myself in his scent, in the way his hand felt on my cheek as I kissed him for a second, moving away before I kept kissing him, his hand firmly on my cheek as I practically toppled him back on the bench with my body.

  He laughed, moving away from me and then looked me up and down. “Do you understand?” he said.

  I bit down on my lower lip. “I understand,” I said. “I just—I don’t want you to do this. If you love me, can you at least go to a lawyer first?”

  He shook his head, laughing a little. “You know I can’t afford a lawyer,” he said. “Unless I do another hit.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “That’s funny,” I said. “You’re funny.”

  “Seriously, though,” he said. “I can’t afford a lawyer.”

  “Don’t worry about that,” I replied. “I have someone in mind.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  2019

  “How did it go?” I asked as he walked out of the double glass doors and toward the waiting room at the lawyer’s office.

  He looked me up and down, smiling a little as he helped me to my feet. “Pretty well,” he said. “All things considered. He said I can go to the police and probably won’t go to prison, but…”

  “What?”

  “Let’s talk about it once we get out of here,” he said as he pulled me close to him, kissing me softly on the cheek. “Thank you for
bringing me here. I appreciate this, and I appreciate you.”

  He put his arms around my waist and kissed me on the forehead that time. “So are you going to tell me how it went?”

  “No,” he said. “Not until we get out of here.”

  “Is… is everything okay?”

  “Everything is fine,” he said. “How about we go get a coffee and have a conversation?”

  I expected him to have some news, but I hadn’t expected him to be so somber after getting out of the lawyer’s office. I thought there would be some resolution, but no resolution seemed to be happening. He was still as worried as he was before, maybe even more worried, and there were lines on his face, on his forehead, his brow furrowed.

  “That sounds scary,” I said.

  He laughed. “It’s not as scary as you think,” he said. “There is this local coffee shop across the street, if you want to go there. Are you still into old books?”

  “Yes,” I said. “I am.”

  “Great, I think they also sell vintage books,” he said. He kept talking about the books as we left the waiting room and went across the street, holding hands as we waited by the traffic light. He pulled me across the street, his fingers intertwined in mine, and his skin was soft and warm even as the cool air felt like it seeped through my skin and into my bones. He kept talking and talking about it some more, but I didn’t want to talk about the bookstore-turned-coffeeshop, though I would’ve been interested in it at any other time.

  Jody looked at me, and he stopped talking.

  “Hey,” he said, his hand on the handle of the coffee shop's door. “Don’t worry, okay? I have this handled.”

  I blinked, shaking my head. “I don’t know,” I said. “There’s something about your attitude that I’m finding a little scary. Are you sure you have this handled?”

  He looked me up and down, then looked away. “Coffee first,” he said. “Then we can talk about it.”

  I side-eyed him, but didn’t say anything as he pulled the door open and allowed me to go in before him. The coffeeshop was immediately small and cozy, and I did feel like it was a very nice little spot. In any other circumstance, I might have actually enjoyed it.

  He ordered a soy latte and I ordered a cappuccino before we sat down in one of the tables which were closest to the windows. He took a sip of his warm coffee and looked up at me. “The lawyer was very good,” he said. “Where did you meet him?”

  “He went to medical school with me for a hot minute,” I said. “Then he decided he hated it, dropped out, and became a lawyer.”

  He blinked, clearly surprised. “That’s… wow,” he said. “How accomplished.”

  I laughed, taking a sip of my own coffee. “That guy is a dick,” I said. “Probably what makes him a good lawyer.”

  He smiled, a little dryly. “Yes,” he said. “I can tell that he is a good lawyer.”

  “So…”

  He took another breath before he spoke. “He believes that I won’t get severely punished, I guess. So to speak.”

  “That’s good.”

  He smiled again, shaking his head and looking right at me. “They are going to know that it wasn’t just me. They are going to know that other people were involved and they are going to question me.”

  “Right,” I said. “That’s what you have a lawyer for.”

  He shook his head. “Yes, and I’ll probably get probation, or a couple of months, or maybe even time served if they detain me.”

  “But?”

  He swallowed, looking away from me before he spoke. “This is what I’m going to do,” he said. “But it’s dangerous. That’s why I’m not going to just do that.”

  I blinked, taking another sip of my coffee. “What do you mean?”

  “I have to tell them,” he said. “I have to tell the people I worked with. I can’t blindside them.”

  “You can’t—”

  “You don’t understand,” he said, looking right into my eyes, and holding my hand as he did so. “The system takes a while, and this kind of thing is dangerous. It’s going to be dangerous for you. Now that our relationship is public, they will come for you.”

  “I didn’t put it on Facebook or anything,” I said.

  He laughed, throwing his head back. “That doesn’t matter,” he said. “I have a feeling that they have been tracking me for a while, because they are going to know. And I’m not comfortable going away and leaving you without protection.”

  “I don’t really understand. How is you telling them that you’re going to go to the police going to protect you?”

  “It’s not,” he said. “It’s going to protect you.”

  “You might get stabbed again,” I said, my voice dropping to a whisper. “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

  “Yes, but I have two arms, and I know some really good doctors.”

  I shook my head. “It’s not funny.”

  “I’m going to be in a world of pain if this gets back to me,” he said. “But if I own up to it, I can take my licks, and then bow out. It can be that simple. You won’t have to get involved and I won’t have to worry about you being in danger or hurt if, or maybe when, I have to go away for a long time.”

  I swallowed. “You’re not going to have to go away. That’s what you have a lawyer for.”

  “Yes,” he said. “But even he said that he can’t guarantee anything. And that’s okay, the only thing I need to be guaranteed is your safety.”

  “That’s very sweet, but it might not be achievable. My job can be sort of dangerous.”

  He smiled, licking his lips before he did. “I know. I know exactly how dangerous your job can be, and I don’t want it to be more dangerous than it already is. If you have goons coming after you, that’s going to make your life way harder than it already is.”

  “But what if you get hurt? I wouldn’t be okay with that.”

  “I’ll be okay. I’m a big boy, I can take care of myself.”

  I swallowed, looking away from him. “What if they do more than hurt you? What if I can’t help you, what if no one else can?”

  He kissed my hand, my ring finger, my index finger, my pinky, all while looking right into my eyes, his gaze never wavering. “If that happens,” he said, his voice a whisper as he leaned forward to get even closer to me. I could smell the coffee on his breath. “They will leave you alone.”

  I shook my head. “No,” I said. “You’re being ridiculous.”

  “Yeah. But maybe I’m right, too?”

  I bit my lips and looked away from him, unsure of what I was supposed to say, but just from looking at him, I could tell that I wasn’t going to be able to talk him out of it, no matter how much I wanted to.

  “Fine,” I said. “I’m not going to fight you on this. Should we just go back to my place and forget about all this?”

  He nodded. “Yes,” he said, his eyes twinkling. “That sounds like a wonderful idea.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  2019

  When we got back to my apartment, the mood felt sober. I wanted to enjoy my time with him, but it felt like there was a cloud hanging over us, and I didn’t know how to get around it. He sighed as he closed the door behind him, looking around before his gaze settled on me as I walked toward the bathroom.

  “Wait,” he said.

  I turned around to face him.

  “I know that this isn’t what you want,” he said. “For what it’s worth, it isn’t what I want either.”

  “I just don’t think it’s a good idea,” I said.

  He walked over to where I was and looked down at me, placing a crooked finger under my chin as he stared into my eyes. “Listen to me, Jess,” he said. “I wouldn’t do this unless I had to. You understand that, right?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “Sure,” I said. “I guess.”

  “I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place,” he said, his voice soft. “I’m just going to do everything I can to keep you safe.”

  “At
your expense?”

  “Yes,” he said. “At my expense. Whatever happens, I need to make sure that you’re going to be okay.”

  I shook my head, taking a step away from him. “I don’t like this whole martyr thing,” I said. “I don’t appreciate it.”

  He laughed. “I don’t like it, either,” he said. “For what it’s worth.”

  I took a deep, shuddering breath, and he wrapped his arm around my waist, as he moved my body closer to his. I let myself be guided by his touch and when he tilted his head down, I kissed him softly on the lips when he pressed his lips against mine.

  His hands slowly moved down my body until he was level with the back of my skirt. His fingers fumbled, finding the zipper on the back of my clothes and slowly sliding it open. With dexterity, he grabbed the fabric of my skirt and pulled it slowly down my legs. As it fell on the floor in a heap at my feet, I stepped away from him and giggled as I bit down on my lower lip.

  “What do you think you are doing?” I asked, looking right at his face. The skin on his cheeks and above his nose was red, and his eyes were shining as he continued to stare at me. His gaze slowly went from my feet up toward my legs and then slowly up the rest of my body, lingering slightly. It felt like it took him a while to finally finish really looking at me and then he took another step forward, so quickly it felt like he was pouncing.

  He kissed me again, this time, his fingers fumbling with the buttons of my blouse. He was undoing them quickly, without much care, and I felt like my body trembled with every single one of his movements, like I was going to faint from the way he was looking at me, from the way he was touching me, from the way that he wanted me.

  I could tell—I could feel—how much he wanted me, and it made me feel so beautiful. Once he was done unbuttoning my blouse, I opened it and slid it down my arms, and I was exposed, in my underwear, waiting for him to do or say something.

  But all he did was stare, still looking flushed, still looking hot, and when he approached me again, he dropped his voice to a whisper before he spoke. “You’re asking me what I’m doing?”

  “Yes,” I said, my voice hoarse.