Legacy: Letters from eminent parents to their daughters

by Menon, Sudha

  Kanna, learn early on to set your own standards in anything you do as wife, mother, employee, and friend. That is what I did always. People around me never understood what it is that I was chasing when I had already achieved what most of them would not dream of achieving in a lifetime. They never figured out that my driver and benchmark was within myself. Everything that you do should be extraordinary. That might seem like a tall order but that is the only way to do it. In pursuing your goals, be inspired by the ordinary folk who have done unimaginable things just with their passion, creativity, hard work, without the support of networking circles that people from privileged backgrounds enjoy. These are the stories that are lot more encouraging than the inspiration that come from people with privileged backgrounds.

  My own mother was a simple village girl who grew up in a highly protected environment but had to come to a big city when she got married. Life was difficult and money was scarce but she managed to look after us with so little resources, feeding everybody who came home.

  In some ways, seeing her so, motivated me to take up more responsibilities so that not only could I repay my parents for their sacrifices but also look after you, my children. For several years, your grandfather had to go to work alone in a foreign country so that he could look after his family’s needs. It used to hurt me that he was all by himself working hard, cooking on his own, and sending money to us.

  So when I threw myself into work with a vengeance after your father died, it was also because I wanted to take care of three generations—my parents, myself, and my children. That was a big motivator for me.

  Remember the time we went to your grandfather’s village and visited your great aunt who lived there all alone? We arrived there en route to visit the family deity and met this old, poor lady, who had a veritable feast awaiting us when we came back from our prayers. With just her ingenuity and the few humble ingredients she had in her larder, she gave us a memorable meal and when we were ready to leave, she offered us a meal to have on the journey, packed in the only plastic container that she possessed. I hope that you will learn from the spirit of giving that simple lady showed us all those years ago.

  I have worked hard to make sure that money does not corrupt our lives. It gives us creature comforts but that has never translated into disregard for either money or human relationships. Your grandfather still tends to the farm while your grandmother still cooks our meals. And I revel in the fact that my children too value the relationships that we have built over the past decades.

  Child, I have made more money than we have ever dreamt of in our wildest dreams and yet, it has never been an agenda to chase for us. If you were to ask me what the right thing to do is, I would say it is to make a genuine personal effort to make another person feel loved and wanted. As a young mother who did things for her children, I know that children are a hundred percent more perceptive than we are willing to give them credit for, a thousand times more sensitive than you can imagine, and a thousand times more responsible than we think they are capable of. When you become a mother, show your young ones by example, both by your talk and your actions, what the right things are and they will never do anything that will shame you and themselves.

  But that comes much later, doesn’t it? As a young woman tiptoeing on the threshold of a promising life of love and fulfillment, you need to know the other secrets that I learnt along the way. There can be no bigger joy than marrying the man you love. But even then, it is important for you not to forget and give up your identity. Women come packaged with generations of conditioning that we have to give ourselves up in the interest of the marriage and our new family.

  But I have a secret to tell you. There will be moments of digression when you feel that your only role is being a good wife, mother, and daughter-in-law, but the good part is that you don’t really have to forgo one for the other. Don’t give up caring for your family, blend into the new family but don’t give up your own identity. Don’t live with the feeling that you sacrificed your personal goals for your family. Never stop living short of your own full potential, whatever be the compulsion, because if you do that, you will live with that regret all through your life.

  There is always a way to find a balance between your home and your career and you alone can decide what that balance is. For me, a large portion of life was my career, then children, then my family, and that left almost no time for myself for almost fifteen years, but I was still happy because that was the balance that I chose for myself! I don’t know if you know this but for almost a decade when your brother was growing up into a teenager, we would go to watch his favorite action movies and while he did that, I would catch up on my sleep. When the movie was over, he would wake me up and we would get back home happily.

  Kanna, balance to me means: if you have an ambition in life, you should create an environment around you which will give you the unfettered right to go pursue your goal and be totally happy and content in what you are doing. Don’t compare your life with that of someone who has other priorities. In life, you are accountable to nobody but yourself. If you live your life being accountable to others, you will end up messing it up and always blaming someone else for the unhappiness it caused you. Saying I am sacrificing for someone else’s happiness is a big mistake. Only when you are happy can you make others happy too.

  Be happy 365×24×7. Dear Kanna, if you decide today that you want to stay back in the US because your happiness lies there, don’t feel pressured to come back home because you feel guilty that I am alone. Only when you are happy can you make me happy, so don’t compromise on your needs and happiness. Often a woman is told to blend into the family she marries into. To me, blending into an environment means understanding the value system of the family you are marrying into, respecting it, and complying with it in order to avoid jarring the existing equations in the family. But this should be only to the extent possible when you are in that environment. Remember to always define your own space in your family and to live by what you believe in. Don’t change yourself depending on where you end up in marriage.

  When I quit ICICI to set up this private equity firm, a lot of people were skeptical; friends and family were concerned about where I was headed, even though their misgivings were out of concern for my well-being.

  That venture has now grown to be significant success story and that is because I don’t subscribe to any bracketing or boxing of people into categories. I am a great believer of Osho and I believe that boxes are created by people to put others down and put themselves in a position of advantage by getting to live in a less threatened and less competitive world. Likewise, it’s with gender.

  I truly believe that the only constraints to growth are the ones in the mind. In reality, the world outside is waiting to help you succeed in whatever it is you want to do, if you only reach out to it. If you believe you can do something, pursue it without distraction, without wasting time on fearing failure. Think deeper about how you can get to where you want to. The power of the universe is beyond our imagination and so are its resources. You are the master of your own destiny and nobody else.

  As you set out on your own journey, I want to tell you that in life, nothing is more powerful than the power of love. What love can win for you is much more than what your intellect can. Let every engagement of yours be driven by love and genuine interest in people. My first disposition for everybody has always been genuine care and respect for their aspirations and dreams. I know from experience that there is nothing to be gained by being skeptical, over smart, or insecure and these are not crucial to success. Success itself is a nebulous thing. Great things can be achieved with love and by avoiding the dog-eat-dog mentality that seems often to have taken over the environment.

  However, all of these things cannot be traded off or practiced to the detriment of competence or performance. If there is an economic activity that you are following, you have to respect that, respect the economic resources that go into it. But that need not be done to the det
riment of love and caring. As a teenager, I was thought to be arrogant and opinionated when I was actually only just expressing my conviction about things.

  I have learnt to have a complete open-mindedness to others’ point of view. I got the gift of positivity from a college mate at VJTI who, besides me, was the only girl in class. When I stood alone in the corridors all those years ago, weeping from the jibes and taunts of my male classmates, she would tap me on the shoulder and tell me to straighten my spine and get back to work. ‘If you choose to cry, you will do that for the next twenty years and nobody will care. But if you want to get on with your life and your career, make sure you are accepted by the boys. If you want to be part of the mainstream, figure out what it takes and do that. They are complete without you and you are the one who needs them so you have to make the effort,’ she would say. Instead of a cup of tea and a shoulder to cry on, she gave me that sharp wake-up call but it gave me the strength and the confidence to help me through that very difficult period. I can never thank her enough for that lesson well learnt!

  There are other things that have been of immense value in my life. Early on in life, I was amazed by the positivity that my grandmother spread around her, by her happiness in the face of great adversity. To this day I can see her going about industriously, creating things out of the little resources she had—shopping bags from old clothes and the floral decorations for the daily puja at home. Our house had lovely things from the stuff that she made out of recycled items because she was an incredibly creative and persevering person. To this day, I don’t allow anyone to say anything negative around me. Positivity is contagious, so spread it around. There is nothing that I respect more than creativity and innovation, even if it is something small that the gardener does in our garden. Originality is a rare attribute to be cherished and nurtured. Never let go of your own originality and let society tell you that you are not good enough because you are not like the rest. Each one of us has something unique and it is our duty to preserve that uniqueness.

  Remember at all times, my child, to never focus on your constraints but on your strengths. There will always be someone who will work hard to show you your weaknesses because they gain from it. Nothing is stronger than your own desire to succeed. Sometimes they might do it because they mean you well; use everything as feedback but let your belief in yourself be unshaken, be madly confident about your ability to do something and you will get to your goals. Don’t live your life based on other people’s expectations or rulings. I followed my own heart and after eighteen years of struggle, it has truly been well worth it.

  My dear daughter, collect the goodwill and blessings of your elders. In good times and in times of crisis, that is a priceless treasure to have. So is a certain kind of spirituality, a belief in someone superior to us. When your father passed away, it was my faith in Shrinathji that kept me on my chosen path, pulled me out of the dangers that could have distracted me from my calling. Equally, it was the blessings of my elders, the unending support of my friends that helped me take my life forward.

  When my world became a dreary and joyless place after your father’s death, it was my belief in God, my guru, and my friends that made it possible for me to remain committed to my purpose. It is my firm belief that the Universe has a role to play in making all of these people come into my life at that point because I was lost and floundering. My sister stepped in, introducing me to the healing powers of Reiki so that I could recover, recharge my energies, and rediscover myself. Since then, I have applied the rejuvenating power of Reiki at the workplace, introduced my friends and colleagues to it, and have seen everyone benefit from it.

  The ability to lead your life with integrity is as important as believing in God. Try to never be obliged to anyone for anything. Don’t get into a transaction that puts you in an obligation to anyone because that limits your potential. Every day that you live, live to your fullest potential. That can’t be done if you are obliged to someone because both these things are contradictory to each other. If you are obliged to someone, you can’t live to your fullest potential without reengaging on your promise to that person. Instead, realize your fullest potential by hard work alone and the power of the Universe will work to make you successful.

  It is my refusal to be obliged that makes me want to get out of my bed every morning and do my best. That is what I want for you too, my child.

  If I was obliged and I had sold my soul to someone, I would not have the energy to get out of bed each day and do my best. The conflict inside me would have tied me down to my bed, shackled my limbs.

  Dear Kannamma, I look forward to seeing you attain the success that you want in the field of your choosing. I am proud that someone as young as you has chosen to follow a calling that is so mature for her age. And I wait for the day when you will use your training in Education and Psychology, to make life more meaningful and joyful for those with psychological and emotional disabilities.

  In the end, I want to tell you that at no point of time during my journey have I had a sense of burden for all the things I have done for my family. I have enjoyed every moment of this tumultuous journey because I have had the blessing of your company. You owe me nothing but your own happiness at all times.

  Love,

  Ma

  Sanjeev Kapoor

  ndia’s culinary maestro, Sanjeev Kapoor, is neither a Michelin-star chef nor has he been hatted—both honours considered to be the highest form of recognition for any chef in the world. In fact, Kapoor makes for the most unlikely chef. He started out in life wanting to be an architect but decided to take up hotel management instead after he failed to make the cut for admissions to the architectural college he had applied to.

  That did not, in any way, stop the determined, talented, and perfection-seeking young man from putting every ounce of his soul into his work. Like his father who taught him that knowledge is the key to being the best in your chosen profession, Kapoor has gone about the past few decades learning everything he can about the smallest part of the food business. Kapoor was and continues to be a fearless risk-taker. A few years into his marriage and career as an Executive Chef at a five-star hotel, Kapoor walked away from the job because he felt he was meant for better things in life. What followed was a period of uncertainty before finally landing the television show, Khana Khazaana, the longest-running food show in Asia which turned him into a household name. Homemakers swore by the perfection of his recipes, and where they were earlier usually content with cooking the usual dal, chawal, roti, and subzi, they started experimenting with other forms of food, dishing out pastas, pizzas, fajitas and enchiladas, tapas and tostadas.

  Kapoor is the lone ranger who took the path less travelled and discovered the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. In 2011, he launched FoodFood, his own 24-hour food channel, a feat that only a handful of chefs around the world have been able to pull off. Kapoor’s business now includes everything from restaurants and modular kitchens to ready-to-eat meals and kitchen equipment. He writes a letter garnished with love and concern for his two daughters.

  Dear Rachita and Kriti,

  It has always been my policy not to tell you what to do but to let you learn, instead, from what you see around you. I am hoping you will treat this letter less as a lecture and more as a glimpse into the stuff that has resulted in me becoming the person I am today and the father to two incredibly loving daughters.

  If I were to look back over the years and to put my finger on the two or three beliefs that have helped me shape my own destiny, it would be the courage to be different, the willingness to take risks, the ability to have complete belief in yourself and above all, the motivation to work so hard that you become the expert in the space that you have chosen as your calling.

  You are young now and on the threshold of a life that will take you along various paths, some smooth, others rough, and many a times the journey will be solitary. But what will come of help to you at such times, as it did for me, is the faith that if
you are clear about where you are headed, the way ahead will open up for you. It might take some time but in the end, the path will clear up and you will reach where you always wanted to. The road that will take you to your goal, whatever and wherever it might be, is often not the road that the rest of the world will necessarily trod on, but if you know in your heart that it is the right path for you, take it, nevertheless.

  I first realized the importance of standing your own ground at the age of 13, when my father’s bank job took us to the capital city of Delhi. My education till then had been at various convent schools across the country where his transferable job took us. And, my stints at these seemingly sophisticated schools had taught me a couple of things about education, including the fact that our schools, sadly, didn’t necessarily have the best teachers because our system did not encourage the best students to follow a career in teaching. I knew even at that point that our most important learning comes from the values and the practices that we pick up at home from our parents and elders. It may not qualify as ‘structured’ education in the conventional sense, but it impacts and influences us so much that there are chances of not forgetting those lessons in our lifetime.

  Which is why, in Delhi, I decided that instead of undertaking a long commute to a reputed convent school, I would enroll myself in a government-run school near our house. My decision surprised my family but I stuck to it, pointing out that the education would be in English and I would also have the luxury of a swimming pool in the campus because this was one of the ‘model schools’ that the government was setting up. I never used the pool at school ever though!

  Barely had I overcome the first hurdle when I ran headlong into a second, more formidable one. The school offered Sanskrit as an optional language and I decided I wanted to study the language since it would help me score much more than other languages. I had an obsession at that point about being the best in everything I did and scoring well in this language was in line with my strategy. Only, the school refused to allow me to take up that subject because I was the only student who wanted to learn it. When they failed to dissuade me, they summoned my parents and spoke to them about talking me out of it, but I stuck to my guns and simply pointed out that the school had a Sanskrit teacher and it was rule-bound to teach me the language if I wanted to. Eventually they gave in, I got my Sanskrit language training, and went on to score a lot of marks. That one event taught me the lesson that if you believe in something, don’t give up or back down just because popular opinion goes against you.