To Hell in a Handcart
Page 38
The coroner’s verdict was received with relief and ecstasy. Mickey sat still, strangely passive.
‘Incidentally,’ said the coroner, having waited for the jubilation to subside, ‘in the case of Crown v Rungle, Mr Justice Codd did add the caveat that the householder should shout “stop” first, if possible.
‘He also recommended that, obiter, everyone should keep a garden fork by his bedside.
‘Next time, Mr French, use a garden fork.’
Eighty-four
As Mickey and Andi walked from the court, arm in arm, mobbed by well-wishers and Rocktalk 99FM’s Free Mickey French barmy army, Marsden approached.
‘Thanks, inspector, sorry, acting chief inspector,’ said Mickey.
‘Not necessary. And, by the way, it’s no longer acting. I’ve been promoted to full DCI,’ beamed Marsden.
‘Your old man would be proud of you,’ said Mickey, shaking him by the hand.
‘Yeah. I’m being made up officially on transfer,’ said Marsden.
‘Leaving Angel Hill. Where you going?’
‘CIB.’
‘Rubber heels?’ exclaimed Mickey.
‘Apparently the Home Secretary himself liked the way I handled this business,’ said Marsden.
‘Good for you, son,’ said Mickey.
‘We’re going to need to talk, Mickey,’ said Marsden.
‘I’d love to buy you a pint,’ Mickey said.
‘Yeah, right. But we’ll need an official chat, too.’
‘Official?’
‘Yeah. First case, investigating a certain allegation of perverting the course of justice at Tyburn Row, twenty-five years ago,’ said Marsden.
Mickey couldn’t resist a grin. ‘Should’ve seen it coming.’
Marsden turned to Ricky Sparke, who’d been earwigging the conversation.
‘Mr Sparke, Ricky, I’m going to need that tape, I’m afraid. It’s all the hard evidence I’ve got to go on. It seems DAC Peel destroyed the rest.’
‘Sure,’ said Ricky, compliantly, taking the tape out of his inside jacket pocket and handing it to Marsden. ‘Always happy to assist the police.’
Eighty-five
‘This is Rocktalk 99FM. Here are the headlines. Rocktalk 99FM’s Free Mickey French campaign achieved sensational success when Mickey walked from Angel Hill coroners’ court without a stain on his character.
‘Scotland Yard has announced that Deputy Assistant Commissioner Roberta Peel, the head of diversity, has been suspended on full pay pending an inquiry by the Police Complaints Authority into allegations believed to be connected to the Mickey French investigation and the subsequent riots in London.
‘Officers also want to interview the celebrity lawyer Justin Fromby, who failed to appear for a number of scheduled television and radio appearances this morning. Reporters say the fashionable micro-blinds at his £1.7 million luxury home in north London have been closed all day.’
They laughed as they climbed out of the cab and descended the steps to Spider’s, where Dillon was waiting with a bottle of champagne. A Captain Oates was on the horizon.
‘Why’d you give Marsden the tape?’ asked Andi over the first glass of bubbly.
‘Good manners, you know me,’ said Ricky.
‘But it drops Mickey right in it,’ she said.
‘Nah, he’ll be fine,’ Ricky reassured her.
‘How can you say that? You know what’s on the tape.’
‘That’s how I can say it.’
‘Eh?’ puzzled Andi.
‘I know what’s on the tape.’
‘What are you going on about?’
‘The Miracles. Right now, Chief Inspector Marsden is probably listening to ‘Mickey’s Monkey’.
‘Cat called Mickey came from out of town
Dum-di-dum-di-li.’
‘You wicked bastard,’ laughed Andi.
‘Hey, Mickey,’ shouted Dillon, waving the Evening Standard. ‘You’re all over the paper.’
Mickey took the Standard in both hands. The banner headline read: ‘NEXT TIME USE A FORK, Coroner’s amazing advice to man who shot a burglar.’
But Mickey wasn’t reading the splash.
His eye was drawn to a single column at the foot of the page.
MONKEY BOY OFF TO THE SUN
A group of young offenders left Heathrow today for an adventure holiday in the United States.
The party included the notorious ‘Monkey Boy’ who has been convicted of dozens of offences of burglary, car crime and criminal damage.
The group, under the supervision of social workers, will spend two weeks surfing and sailing at the Florida resort of Zero Beach
Acknowledgements
My thanks to Mike Kemp, for his invaluable help, inspiration and getting me home from Gerry’s in one piece; to Adrian Bourne, Nick Sayers and Tim Waller at HarperCollins; and to Eddie Bell, for being crazy enough to commission this book in the first place.
About the Author
Richard Littlejohn is an award-winning journalist and broadcaster, outspoken, controversial and funny. He had a twice-weekly column in the Sun and has written for the Daily Mail, Evening Standard, Punch and The Spectator. He has presented TV shows for LWT, Carlton, Channel 4 and Sky and radio programmes for LBC and the BBC, in 2007 he wrote and narrated a Channel 4 documentary entitled The War on Britain’s Jews? His highly acclaimed non-fiction book, You Couldn’t Make it Up, tore apart the Tory years. To Hell in a Handcart, his first novel, does the same for Blair’s Britain
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