I make myself scarce and head towards my room to get ready. I walk in just as Helen finishes zipping the back of her red dress. The full length, fishtail dress skims her body and she is a sight to behold. Her lipstick is the exact shade of the dress and she asks me to pass her fake fur throw. She oozes old-Holywood glamour and I can’t believe that I get to be with her forever.
“Wowsa,” I say. “You look incredible.”
“I’d better, this dress cost a small fortune and means I’ll be eating noodles for breakfast, lunch and dinner this month. Don’t be expecting a nice Christmas present either,” she smiles.
“You’re going to outshine the bride in that,” I tease. “She may not let you into the church.”
“Flattery gets you everywhere, Miss McMahon.”
I start to disrobe and take my dress down from the hanger. The charcoal colour of the satin dress makes my eyes shine and the sparkly shawl sets it off perfectly.
I look in the mirror and smile at my reflection. I look beautiful and happy. Helen stands beside me and I tell her that we make a very attractive couple.
She agrees and puts her arm around my hip.
“We’d better get downstairs for the photographer, she wants to take a few pictures before we get into the cars,” I explain.
We go downstairs and find Lucas’ mother, Maureen, at the door. She’s speaking in a hushed voice to my father and I ask what the matter is.
He beckons me closer and tells me that Lucas is missing.
“MISSING?” I shout.
“Sssssssssh!” Dad and Maureen say at the same time.
“He left this morning,” she says. “He said he had to go get something but that was hours ago and now he’s not picking up his phone.”
“Are you kidding me?” I hiss. “Where on earth would he need to go to on the morning of his wedding?”
“I don’t know,” replies Maureen. “He was being really secretive and he wouldn’t tell me anything more.”
I pick up my mobile and call him but it keeps ringing until it hits voicemail. I check the ‘friend finder’ app and see that he’s down at the local football pitch.
I grab my keys and tell Helen to keep Siobhan occupied while Maureen and me head out to find her son.
I am prepared to hit him over the head with my shoe and drag him down the aisle if it means that my sister isn’t left heartbroken.
“Was he having second thoughts?” I ask Maureen as I speed towards the football pitch.
“No, he’s been talking about how excited he is for the wedding. Even this morning he was all smiles. I just don’t understand it.”
I pull in at the clubrooms and push open my door.
“Wait here,” I say. “If he does a runner, hit him with my car.”
Her eyes widen in shock but she doesn’t ask if I’m joking or serious. At this point it could go either way.
I run around the far side of the building and notice his car. It’s empty and I spy his phone on the passenger seat. I go to investigate inside but all the doors seem to be locked. Just as I’m about to turn around and get back in the car I notice the groundskeeper on his rounds, picking up some rubbish. I jump up and down and wave my arms above my head to get his attention. Eventually he spots me and makes his way over, very slowly, in my direction.
I run as best as I can in heels, over the loose gravel of the car park and I’m out of breath by the time we reach each other.
“Have you seen Lucas?” I ask.
“Lucas Keating?” he replies. “He’s away getting married and by the looks of things, you should be at the church.”
“His car is over there but we can’t find him. Do you think he could be around here?”
“I locked up before I started doing my rounds but you’re welcome to take a look inside, if you like.”
“Please, and hurry, I have a bride who doesn’t know her groom is missing and I’d like to keep it that way.”
“Right so.”
We walk towards the building and as we approach we hear a loud banging and a man’s voice shouting.
“It’s Lucas!” I cry.
The groundskeeper hurries to unlock the doors and Lucas comes bursting out.
“Oh, thank God,” he shouts as he jumps up in the air and then gives me a big hug.
“You’ve some explaining to do,” I say, as sternly as I can.
“I left my lucky socks here after football practise, last night,” he says. “I can’t get married without my lucky socks, I thought it would be a jinx.”
“How’s that working out for you?” I ask, sarcastically.
“I ran in to grab them and when I went to leave the doors were locked. I’ve left my phone in the car and the office, where the landline is, is locked too.
“I was about two minutes away from kicking down the office door,” he explains. “How’s Siobhan? Is she going to kill me?”
“She doesn’t know,” I reply. “And she won’t have to if you get into your car and get to the church before we arrive.”
“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”
Maureen joins us in the car park and I tell her Lucas will explain everything but I have to get back to the house before Siobhan has a canary.
By the time I pull into the drive I’m still trying to come up with a decent explanation for my absence for Siobhan, but her and Mum hadn’t even noticed I was missing.
Helen was directing them and the photographer in the back garden and helping to set up really lovely shots of the bride with my parents.
I fixed my hair and straightened out my dress before I joined them in the garden.
“What’s taken you so long to get ready?” asks Siobhan.
“I had an underwear emergency.”
I cursed myself for making it sounds like I had accidentally wet myself, but it was the first thing that popped into my head.
“Riiiiiiiight,” she replied. “Is it sorted?”
“Yes, I’m good to go.”
My dad sighed with relief as my mum looked horrified by my oversharing. The next half hour was spent posing for photographs around the house. My cheeks were beginning to ache when the cars arrived and me, Helen and Mum got into the first one. Dad and Siobhan are going in the second – so we can go ahead and make sure that any stragglers outside the church are inside before the bride makes her grand entrance.
I worry that Lucas hasn’t made it to the church in time, but as we pull up I can see him shaking hands with some of the guests who are walking into the building.
We get out of the car and signal for him to go inside while we wait for Siobhan and Dad to get here.
Helen goes in with Mum and I wait in the cold air with the photographer for the woman of the hour.
When she arrives, I meet her and help get layer after layer of her dress out of the car first before helping the rest of her out of the vehicle.
I’m still busy fixing the end of the dress while the photographer is busy snapping candid shots of this process.
Once I’m finished, it’s my turn to go into the church and walk down the aisle in front of everyone.
I keep my eyes on Helen as the music starts and walk down the aisle towards the Alter.
A part of me wonders if I should be upset that this is the closest I’ll ever get to walking down the aisle in a pretty dress, but it doesn’t bother me. I was sincere when I told Helen that I was ok without a marriage, as long as we had a meaningful life together. Even a few weeks on, in the middle of this joyous day, I felt the same. I wasn’t jealous of Siobhan and Lucas, I was happy for them and excited about what life had in store for the two of us.
I took my seat in the second row and waited for Siobhan and Dad to reach the top so I could take the bouquet from her.
Most people are looking at the bride so they can marvel at her dress, but I keep my eyes on Lucas. He’s standing at the top of the aisle with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen.
His eyes glisten with tears and by the time my dad places Si
obhan’s hand in Lucas’ it’s taking all his self-control not to cry.
The ceremony is long and traditional and we all clap as they light the wedding candle together to symbolise their change from two single people to one married couple.
It’s sweet but I try not to smile too much, only because I know there’s going to be a lot more posing for photographs and I’m saving myself the cheek ache.
We watch as they make their way out of the church after the ceremony and stand at the doors to thank everyone individually. I take the opportunity to talk to Helen before I’m whisked away for more photos.
She’s dabbing her eyes with a tissue and I can’t help but tease her.
“The woman so against matrimony, is tearing up at a wedding? Are my eyes deceiving me?”
“What can I say: I’m a sucker for a happy ending.”
I take her hand and walk out of the church to see where I have to go now.
Just as I’m about to go over to see Siobhan, Helen pulls me back.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“I know I’m going to regret asking you this, but are you sure?”
“Sure about what?”
“About us. About no wedding, no big party and flowers and lovely official ceremony. I feel like I’m asking you to give up a lot and it’s starting to hit me.”
I smile and give her a kiss. “I’m not giving up a damn thing, I’m gaining a life partner and that’s all that matters. I’m not going anywhere.”
She seems happy with my answer so I get back to finding my parents and figuring out where I’m meant to go next.
Helen catches a ride with a couple of my cousins while the rest of the McMahon and Keating families follow the happy couple to the hotel and get the photos over and done with.
My father’s patience is the first to crack and he only manages thirty more minutes of being told where to stand before he makes his way to the bar and orders himself a pint.
Myself and the best man are the last to be released from photo duties but as soon as it’s done, I go in search of Helen and find her making the most of the sweet cart at reception.
“You know that’s been set up for the kids, don’t you?” I say.
“Sugar is awful for children, so I’m making sure there’s less of it for them to eat.”
I do the rounds and say my hellos to the other guests before I’m once again called away to do our entrance into the reception hall.
I have to walk in with the best man, who is easily two feet taller than me.
We look like a very mismatched couple but I smile and get on with things so I can hurry up and get some food in my stomach.
But first, I have to make it through the speeches. Normally, it’s only the men of the bridal party that do the talking but Siobhan has already asked me to say a few words. The thought of standing up and speaking to a room of over two hundred people is filling me with dread, but I know if I just concentrate on Helen sitting at the table in front of the stage, then I’ll make it through.
I warn the crowd that they’ll have to wait for the best man’s speech to get to the funny stuff but I promise to make it short and sweet.
“I think we can all agree that Siobhan and Lucas make a great couple,” I begin. “I know his ex, personally, and he’s definitely levelled up.”
The crowd laugh at my self-deprecation but Helen shakes her head disapprovingly.
“When I look at these guys I feel hope,” I continue. “In a world that can sometimes feel a bit bleak and cruel, all it takes is a little light of love to make you remember that there’s good out there, too. That’s what I see when I look at you both. You’re two good people and I know that together, you’re going to do great things.
“When you’re with them, you get warmth from the love radiating from them and you know you’re in the presence of something truly special.
“I will count myself very lucky if I have a fraction of the happiness I know you guys have. I’d like everyone to raise their glasses and toast the happy couple. Here’s to levelling up and settling down with your perfect match.”
Siobhan smiles at me and I sit down to endure the comedy stylings of the best man. It’s not too painful, and most of the jokes are directed at poor Lucas.
After the meal and the cutting of the cake I’m ready for bed but there are still hours of dancing ahead of us. I’m forced to share a dance with the best man. I feel like a little girl dancing with her father because of the ridiculous height difference and I’m tempted to stand on his feet just so I can escape from this situation. I hate how much of the day is spent with people looking in my direction. I may not be the bride but there were still too many eyes on me, for my liking. It’s the longest three minutes of my life but as soon as the song ends I search for Helen so we can dance.
I find her sitting on her own at a table. She looks inexplicably sad so I hold out my hand and ask her to dance.
She smiles but it doesn’t reach her eyes. I pull her close and rest my head on her shoulder as we sway from side to side.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“Nothing,” she replies.
I pull back and look at her properly and see that she’s crying. I lead her from the dance floor and take her outside to get some air.
We sit on a stone wall outside the reception hall and I ask her again what the matter is.
“I can’t tell you,” she says. “I love you so much.”
“It’s because you love me that you can tell me anything. There’s nothing you can say that will make me love you any less.”
She breathes in and out, slowly, deliberately and I wait patiently for her to talk.
“Today has been so beautiful,” she says. “I guess I’ve just got so swept up in the loveliness of it all and I can finally understand why someone would want to do this.”
My heart leaps with each word I’m hearing. I can’t quite believe that Helen has changed her mind about marriage and all it took was for her to be here. I try not to get ahead of myself but it’s finally looking like I will actually get everything I want from this life.
“When you did your speech, I was so touched and I completely agree that they’re good people. You have so many good people in your life because you, Jane, are a good person. I’ve known you were an extra special person from the moment you stood with me on that bridge. You are the best thing in my life.”
“You’re the best thing in my life too,” I reply. “but it still doesn’t explain why you’re crying.”
I giggle at my emotional girlfriend and wish that she didn’t feel so overwhelmed by the happiness of the day.
“I cheated on you,” she says.
And just like that, the whole world stands still and I can hear nothing but those four words over and over again.
I feel light headed and I hold onto the wall to keep my balance.
“The night of the hen party,” she continues. “I was drunk and stupid and I spent the night with ˗”
“Don’t say Michelle.”
“I’m sorry. It was stupid and selfish and it meant absolutely nothing.”
“I can assure you it means something to me,” I reply, there’s no emotion in my voice as I stare at her. I look at a face I’ve adored for almost a year, and instead I see a stranger.
“So you turned your phone off to avoid me, confess to your friends and make up some bullshit story about your dad for sympathy,” I continue. “Then get down on one knee, promising me a life together. Why? Guilt?”
“No!” she cries harder. “Nothing like that, I meant every word I said when I was on my knee that day and I’ve meant it every day since. I can make this better, I will make this better.
“You are everything to me. I’ll move to Cork, change course, do whatever it takes to make sure you know how serious I am about us, about our future.”
“Future? Every day since that moment has been a lie. I can’t trust a single word that you’ve said, a single kiss we’ve shared or a single moment
of love between us. We don’t have a future, Helen. That ended the second you spent the night with her.”
I stand up to walk away and go back into the warmth of my family but she grabs my arm and pulls me towards her.
“You don’t mean that, I can fix it. Let me fix it.”
“It’s over, Helen. We’re over.”
I remove her hand from my arm and take a deep breath before walking back into the reception.
I watch as my family dance in the room and I order myself a large glass of wine.
I take a drink and then another and I don’t stop until the glass is empty.
I find my dad and tell him I have a headache and need a quick lie down but will be back shortly.
He kisses my forehead and tells me to take all the time I need. I make it to the lift and wait until the doors close before I fall to the floor and start to cry.
Thankfully, I’d booked a room at the hotel and I can find some privacy in my room.
She’s gone. The future I imagined is shattered and I’m lost once more.
As the elevator doors open I lift myself off the floor and stumble towards my room. My hands shake as I try to find the room key and get inside without anyone witnessing my breakdown. I shut the door behind me and sit at the edge of the bed in the darkness.
I run the scene over and over in my head, hearing her confession on repeat. Each time it gets worse, and louder.
I can feel the cold hands of panic at my throat and I scream in frustration to stop the anxiety attack in its tracks.
“This will not break me,” I announce in the darkness. “I will fix my make-up and go back to the reception before anyone notices.”
I stand up and go to the bathroom and realise that very little make-up needs fixed. I take a few deep breaths and smooth my dress.
“Love is nothing,” I say to my reflection. “It was a feeling, it’s passed and you’ll get over it.”
My voice cracks before I finish the sentence so I say it again and I try to sound stronger. I keep repeating it, over and over until I can make it to the end of the sentence without breaking down.
Before I leave the room, I make a silent vow to myself that I promise to take to the grave.
Weddings and Other Things I Hate Page 11