The Life You Want

by Greene, Bob; Kearney-Cooke Ph. D, Ann; Janis Jibrin

  In our therapy, Marianne shared that she had suffered severe physical abuse at the hands of her father, and because of this, she had become adept at reading what he and others needed and meeting those needs. As a child, she’d learned that if she was “good” and did what her father expected, she could avoid provoking him. As Marianne grew up, her need to pacify and please went beyond her father—she didn’t want to disappoint anyone and would do almost anything to keep people from getting angry with her.

  It was not surprising to me when she realized that she was afraid to tell her daughter that she didn’t want to spend her retirement as the primary babysitter for her grandkids. She did what victims of childhood abuse often do: She didn’t see a way out, so she found a way to get through it. Common compensatory behaviors include drinking or spending too much money, engaging in risky behaviors, and—in Marianne’s case—overeating and bingeing.

  Our therapy focused on helping Marianne understand the effects of abuse and developing the capacity to be assertive and speak up for herself. Marianne realized that when she told her daughter that she wanted to watch the kids only one day a week, her daughter might be disappointed, even angry. She didn’t feel ready to talk to her daughter just yet, so I urged her to continue to work on putting herself and her needs first and accepting this possible outcome.

  One evening, Marianne and her husband went out to dinner with their daughter and her family. They were waiting in line next to a tank with lobsters. Her son-in-law had minored in oceanography in college and loved to talk about sea creatures. He began to tell her all about the lobsters in the tank. “Lobsters must molt in order to grow. As the lobster gets larger, it needs to grow a more spacious shell,” he explained. “This soft creature that is used to having a strong armor around it now must go out into the world exposed. They might be eaten by prey or washed up on the reef and die. The period between shells is one where the lobster is vulnerable but must go through in order to grow.”

  After this conversation, Marianne dreamt about lobsters every night. There would be lobsters on her table, lobsters walking in line after her, lobsters staring at her. She said, “Not only am I depressed and overeating, but I am crazy, too.” With some help, Marianne realized that the lobster was a metaphor for herself. She’d outgrown her shell. But she was afraid to discard the shell and let others know what she really wanted to do.

  Shortly after that dinner, Marianne met with her daughter to tell her she’d only be able to watch the kids one day a week so she could pursue her other interests. Her daughter was disappointed and angry at first. She told Marianne that no one could take care of the grandkids like their grandmother. Marianne listened to her daughter’s concerns and feelings, but she was assertive and explained that this was something she needed to do for herself.

  In our next session, Marianne and I talked about the fact that if we lived in an ideal world, those who are closest to you would be supportive of you when you make choices to take care of your body and yourself. But we live in the real world, where people are sometimes angry because they’re used to you always saying yes and putting their needs before your own. I explained to her that although it may be difficult to put yourself first, you have to do it. Marianne found that after her daughter’s initial anger subsided, they were able to work together to find a good babysitter for the kids through their church. Marianne felt better about her relationship with her daughter after they got through this conflict. She realized that she no longer had to be that scared child who had to please everyone or risk abuse. Her eating improved, and she became more active, walking with other retired teachers five days a week. Marianne learned that to really grow and learn, you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable, to lose your shell.

  5. What would you gain if you discarded your shell? Example: I would gain respect for myself, respect from others, and—without my armor of fat—maybe grow closer to my wife and be taken more seriously by others.

  Now it’s your turn:

  1. What is your current shell (the job, the habits, the expectations that bind you)?

  2. Do you need to discard your shell?

  3. Are you afraid to discard your shell? If so, why?

  4. What would you lose if you discarded your shell?

  5. What would you gain if you discarded your shell?

  In order to develop a different relationship with your body, you need to leave behind excess baggage and/or outdated versions of yourself. You must be courageous and take a big leap to let go of the old and make way for the new—to finally see your body as an important source of information (about hunger, satiety, when you need to rest or slow down) and of pleasure and love.

  Just as it’s important to periodically clean your closet of clothes that no longer fit, you must also get rid of negative thoughts and images of your body that leave you depressed and unmotivated. Change can be downright uncomfortable at times, but don’t forget how painful it is to be locked into a negative body image, how it limits your motivation, your confidence in relationships with others, and possibly your career. You may be holding yourself back at work or you may be missing out on the opportunity to let others love you and become close to you because you are forever judging and being critical of your body.

  It’s time for you to shed your shell and be free of a negative body image. You may be scared or feel unprotected, but you won’t be vulnerable forever. Eventually you’ll grow a new shell, and the new way that you relate to food, your body, and others will start to feel like home. Remember, not changing is often harder than changing. Consider your options: Stay stuck and stagnant with a negative body image for the rest of your life or do some tough emotional work so you can accept, understand, and love yourself for who you are and finally achieve all your weight, health, and life goals.

  Your body image is a crucial element of how you feel about yourself. Though it can be related to your weight, simply dropping pounds won’t improve your body image—you must first learn how to love and appreciate your body regardless of its appearance. Addressing the barriers described throughout this chapter and completing the sample exercises will help you to develop a new perspective on your body. If you’ve unsuccessfully attempted weight loss before, it’s time to set a new, attainable weight loss goal. Be realistic about your goal weight, make time for yourself to meet it, and follow through with your plan to the best of your ability.

  While you’re on the path toward a healthier lifestyle, it’s important to remind yourself that appearance isn’t everything. Weight-related prejudice is real and can be hurtful, but do not let your weight dictate what you do and where you go in life. Start working on improving your body image today. It will facilitate your weight loss efforts and allow you to feel deserving of a happy, fulfilled life.

  6

  * * *

  MAINTAINING WEIGHT

  LOSS: WHAT WORKS

  AND WHAT DOESN’T

  * * *

  By Bob Greene

  IF THERE IS ONE thing that’s true for almost everyone who has ever lost a significant number of pounds, it’s that the work doesn’t stop there. You have to keep eating carefully and keep being physically active. You have to keep on top of your attitudes and emotional health, too.

  The previous chapters were aimed at both motivating you to tackle the barriers standing in the way of weight loss and giving you direction on how to do it. But as you go forward, it’s also important to know how to keep the weight you lose from coming back. Part of that, I believe, will be inherent in the approach to weight loss that we have just laid out for you. When you knock down the emotional and psychological barriers (and learn to cope with the physiological ones) that prevented you from being successful in the first place, you’re going to have a much greater shot at keeping the pounds from returning.

  Still, there are practical matters that make a difference, too, and for that it’s instructive to look at how successful maintainers manage to prevent weight regain. So let’s examine the National Weight Cont
rol Registry, the large, ongoing research study that I mentioned in the beginning of this book. To refresh your memory, membership in this “club” is predicated on having lost at least thirty pounds and having kept it off for at least a year. (Some of its members, you may have noticed, have been profiled throughout this book.) Many of the participants, who range in age from eighteen to ninety-one and come from all walks of life, have actually lost a lot more than that and maintained it far longer. It’s impressive, but don’t chalk them up as the lucky few. Ninety percent of them tried to lose weight and failed many times before eventually triumphing over excess pounds.

  When you listen to what successful maintainers say about their ultimate success, it’s clear that for many of them, weight loss went hand in hand with making monumental changes in their lives. Some got out of bad relationships, some switched careers, some learned how to set boundaries with others—whatever the change was, it was often significant. And what drove them to change varied from person to person. For about a third of the NWCR participants, the “lightbulb” moment was health related: Sleep apnea (when you stop breathing for short periods during sleep), an aching back, heart disease, diabetes, or another weight-related condition propelled their desire to do what it took to finally lose weight. Another third took an emotional hit before they got really serious about weight loss; discovering that their spouses left them because of their weight jolted them into action. Some were motivated by special events such as weddings and class reunions, or by seeing themselves in a full-length mirror, or not being able to fit in their clothes any longer. The point is, there was no one universal “aha” moment. Just as we’ve encouraged you to do throughout this book, all of them found an incentive that spoke to them personally, then they followed through.

  So what else helped them succeed and, more specifically (and importantly), stay the course? Here are seven strategies that worked for successful maintainers—and will work for you, too.

  THEY REALLY MOVE

  You don’t have to participate in a triathlon, break the record at your gym for the number of consecutive pull-ups, or win the police academy Physical Training Award like Shaun Tympanick (see box, page 21) to keep your weight off, but you do have to be active—very active. On average, NWCR participants burn 2,621 calories weekly from going to the gym, jogging, or other types of sporting or recreational activity, as well as from walking and taking the stairs as much as possible.

  Maintainers actually exercise longer and harder than people who’ve never been overweight. In one study, they worked out an average of about sixty minutes daily compared to fifty-two minutes for the never-overweight group. The difference in workout intensity was even more telling: Maintainers averaged twenty-four minutes daily of moderately high-intensity activity compared to about seventeen minutes for the never overweight. Over weeks and months, that adds up to a big difference in calories burned. While not every successful maintainer strength trains, the NWCR data show that the numbers of those who do are growing. I’m not surprised. Strength training increases the rate at which you burn calories. Cardio exercise is great, and it’s where many people who want to lose weight start, but if you really want to have the ultimate workout plan, you’ll need to incorporate strength training as well. Follow my exercise guidelines in chapter 4, and you’ll be on track to duplicate the maintainers’ success, then check out appendix 6 for a sample plan that consists of both strength and cardio. The lesson here is that if you want to lose weight and keep it off, you’re going to have to step up your activity—there’s no way around it.

  THEY’RE HEALTHY EATERS

  You probably were expecting this one. Yes, successful maintainers do eat nutritiously and in moderation. Here are some specifics:

  They keep a lid on calories. The average reported calorie count of NWCR participants is 1,380 per day—although that number warrants a little explanation. “Our participants report their calorie intake, we don’t measure it directly, and studies consistently show that people tend to underestimate their calorie intake by about 30 percent,” says Suzanne Phelan, PhD, a psychologist who is one of the principal NWCR researchers as well as an assistant professor of kinesiology at California Polytechnic State University. Underestimating by 30 percent would make the actual daily count a much more satisfying and doable 1,800 calories. And it’s an average; some people need more calories, others less. Whatever you determine is right for you; the point is that you can’t go back to your old high-calorie ways.

  They’re careful. Successful maintainers score high in what nutritionists and psychologists call “dietary restraint”: behaviors such as doling out small portions of food, avoiding high-calorie foods, and counting calories or grams of fat. “The first thing I do when I pick up a food,” says Shaun Tympanick, “is look at the nutrition label and check out the calories. That doesn’t mean I’ll eat only low-calorie foods—I’ll still have chips or chocolate on occasion—but I know just how much I can eat.”

  They eat a balanced diet. For the most part, the successful maintainers’ diets follow the recommendations of the American Heart Association and other major health organizations. About 54 percent of calories come from carbohydrates (including five to six servings of fruits and vegetables daily), about 27 percent from fat, and about 19 percent from protein.

  They eat breakfast. Nearly 100 percent of NWCR participants eat breakfast, with most of them doing so every day of the week. That’s in sharp contrast to the 25 percent of Americans who are breakfast skippers. Need some quick and easy breakfast ideas? Check out my website, www.thebestlife.com—the recipe database is loaded with hundreds of delicious and fresh meal ideas.

  They steer clear of drive-thrus. Fast food may have helped them pack on the pounds, but once they lost the weight, successful maintainers largely avoid it, eating, on average, less than one fast-food meal a week. “My sister and I used to go out for fast food and buffets all the time, but we just don’t do that anymore,” says Terane Weatherly, whose story is featured on page 146.

  THEY LIMIT THEIR DIETARY OPTIONS

  Talk to a nutritionist, and sooner or later she’ll say the word variety, as in: Eat a variety of fruits and vegetables to get the most nutrients; eat various types of whole grains to get different types of fiber; vary your meals so you don’t get bored. But if you want to take a page from people who keep weight off, maybe your diet shouldn’t be too exciting. Dr.Phelan and her co-researchers compared the diets of NWCR members with those of people who recently lost weight but had no track record of maintaining. These newly minted “losers” were a good comparison group because they had to clean up their diets to lose the weight, eating more fruits and vegetables and less junky high-fat food. The striking difference between maintainers and those who’d recently slimmed down: The maintainers ate less variety. And they didn’t just limit their picks of sweets (as well as oils, butter, and other fats); they also had a slightly downsized repertoire of foods in the vegetable, low-fat protein, and grain groups.

  These findings aren’t that surprising. By limiting variety, you can more easily control your body’s natural inclination to seek different tastes and flavors. As Janis explained in detail in chapter 3, this is a trait that kept our ancestors alive, ensuring that they ate a variety of foods, which helped them get a variety of nutrients. Just think of how much more you put on your plate at a buffet than when you order a la carte. Or how there always seems to be room for dessert, no matter how full you are.

  Shaun Tympanick keeps a lid on variety. “My fridge is really plain Jane,” he says, “with just the basics: skim milk, low-fat cheese, seltzer, egg whites in a carton, and Lean Cuisine frozen meals. I’ll try new things, but I don’t like to have too much around to tempt me.” The takeaway here is that while you don’t want a diet so boring that you go back to your old habits, you also don’t want one that’s so varied it triggers overeating. Sticking with a consistent group of healthy foods and a regular eating schedule (no cheat days) will help you keep the weight off.

>   THEY TURN OFF THE TUBE

  Thirty-five hours: That’s the amount of time the average American spends per week watching TV. After work and sleep, TV viewing takes up more time than any other activity in the United States. But not for NWCR participants. Sixty-two percent watch less than ten hours weekly, and a third watch less than five hours. While the average American is sitting in front of the TV (and, often, snacking), successful weight maintainers might be taking an after-dinner walk, whipping up a healthy meal, or working out at the gym. And even if they’re just walking around the house doing chores, they’re still burning a lot more calories than they would if they were sitting in front of the television. They’re also subject to less temptation. A 2009 Yale University study found that adults consumed an extra 150 calories of snacks after watching TV shows that contained food ads compared to programs that ran none.

  The message is clear: The less time you spend in front of a screen (TV, computer, or videogame), the higher your odds of maintaining your weight loss.

  WHAT DOESN’T WORK

  While most participants in the National Weight Control Registry maintained their weight loss after initially registering with the study, 35 percent of them actually relapsed, regaining an average of fifteen and a half pounds (although some regained only about five pounds). What went wrong? Fortunately, researchers were there to document which factors contributed to the weight gain. You can learn a lot from the maintainers’ mistakes as well as note that some issues leading to relapse (such as emotional eating and depression) may warrant seeking professional help. Here’s what the NWCR researchers discovered: