by Sand, A. J.
“Okay…well, have a great time in Vegas with your friends. Please be safe. Love you,” her mom said, and there was light disappointment in her tone. Dylan had never spent a birthday away from home before. She was always on a break from school when it happened. She owed them a thorough explanation of herself, and it would be part of their whole family’s talk.
“Dyl?”
“Yeah, Mom?”
“We really, really do love you, you know that, right? We love you, as is, every day, forever. Everything about who you are.”
“Yeah. Love you, guys, too. Bye.” As Dylan ended the call, she caught the sounds of whispering and heard the room door close quietly. She had probably woken both girls up in the process of climbing out of bed. One of them giggled and the other told her to shut up. Dylan furrowed her brow in curiosity before she washed her face and brushed her teeth.
When she pulled the bathroom door open, the light in the room switched on. She screamed at the ambush of smiling faces. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!” they all yelled. It was Wes, Abel, Kai, Leko, Ribsy and the girls. Jamie was holding a white sheet cake and Odette was clutching an unopened bottle of champagne.
“Jesus!” Dylan clutched her chest, falling back against the bathroom door. “Well, thank goodness I’m wearing pants,” she hissed at Jamie and Odette playfully.
“That is nothing to be thankful about!” Wes said. “Come get this birthday lovin,’ girl.” He held his arms open, and once she was in them, the rest of the group piled on. Dylan felt so much gratitude for them welcoming her into their circle the way they had. Jamie served cake and poured champagne for everyone even though it was barely 9 A.M.
“I’m glad you and the Elliotts made up,” she said to Kai, who was standing at the window away from the chatter. “How’d it go?”
“Quick talk and apology from me. I told them I’d explain in more depth later.” Kai dropped a light kiss on her cheek and her skin tingled. They hadn’t shared a moment like that since Maui. “Happy birthday, beautiful.” Kai wiped frosting from the side of her mouth with his thumb and licked it off. He didn’t seem like himself though. He had to be masking the pain she had caused him, and that was tying her stomach in knots of regret, and breaking her heart.
She clutched his hand in hers. “Is everything okay? I’m so sorry. You know that, right? You know how sorry I am, don’t you?”
Kai kissed the back of her hand and held his lips there momentarily. “Yeah, I do. I really do.” He kissed her fingers and closed his eyes. “I hope you have a great birthday, Dyl.” But something instinctual told her that he was holding his true feelings back and she didn’t blame him. She hadn’t exactly handled them well the last go round. They both turned when Leko expelled a piercing whistle. Ribsy hoisted Odette to a standing position on the bed and she waved her arms. “Okay, pack your shit!” she yelled. “It’s time to go to Vegas!”
The shot girl put the bottom of the clear test tube shooter in her mouth, angling the opening toward Dylan. Dylan put her mouth on it with the encouragement of the crowd as the shot girl dipped her backward. A rush of dizziness hit her when she was back upright. Everyone in the room screamed.
“You okay?” Wes asked as he caught her before she fell back. She was tipsy, but most of her disorientation was coming from being in Vegas for the first time. No one was having the same reaction to the city like she was. No one else had looked like a deer in the headlights when the bellboy had escorted them to the suites atop the Bellagio resort and casino. The two rooms overlooking the Las Vegas Strip were beyond extravagant: two bedrooms separate from gigantic dining and living rooms, a hot tub, a fireplace and a wet bar, in each suite. She would’ve protested if they were going to be there for more than two nights. But, apparently, this was how Kai and his friends did New Year’s Eve. It was one night in the year and was worth the conspicuous consumption.
“I’m okay! But I am officially done for the evening,” Dylan assured Wes. “Dance with me, now.” The music was getting louder, drowning out the surrounding voices. There were so many people moving between the connected suites, most of whom she had never seen before, but Odette said they were “friends” of hers. Anyone was a friend when there was free booze and food involved. Thank goodness they had hired security for the party.
“I like it when you’re bossy, Dylan. Say it again,” Wes said, squeezing her hand and she frowned at him. He swung her around in the swarm of bodies, and they both chuckled at Jamie and Abel feeling each other up and making out against a wall in the corner.
“What’s up with them, anyway? Are they together or what?” she asked, slipping her arms around Wes’ neck.
“What. They’re a ‘what,’” Wes said, nodding. “Their story is similar to one you may know. Guy and girl are way into each other, but one of them is holding back ‘cause he’s a douche.”
“Oh, I see,” Dylan said as she pursed her lips and frowned at her two friends. She looked backed at Wes. “Am I the douche in the situation I’m familiar with?”
“…No comment,” Wes said, staring at her bare shoulder. Dylan was wearing a black one sleeve mini dress and every guy she had danced with had seemed interested in just that little showing of skin.
“It’s complicated, Wes. My life is hardly my own these days,” Dylan muttered after a sigh.
“What’s complicated about a guy being all sad then hopping over a railing and leaving a nightclub full of girls essentially begging him to sleep with them to go be with one at a hotel who was probably in baggy PJs and Granny panties?” Wes said after he scoffed and gave her an incredulous look.
“We will not be discussing my underwear any further, sir.” It was said in true Wes fashion, but it wasn’t untrue, and she was screwing something wonderful up.
“Wes!” A woman was at their side suddenly, grabbing for him like a toddler who wanted to be picked up. She looked Dylan over once, her gaze flicking across the “Birthday Girl” sash draped over her dress. “Oh, this is your party?”
“Something like that.”
“Great. Happy, um, birthday,” she said quickly with disinterest before turning back to Wes. “You guys together?”
“He wishes. Guess that’s my cue…” Dylan said with a chuckle and a headshake. She wandered around the room and wondered where Kai was. She hadn’t seen him since the party started. He had surprised the patrons of one of The Strip’s bars with an impromptu solo performance earlier when they first arrived. Good performance but he was distracted. She squeezed through the throng to get to one of the bedrooms to get her cell. There were a bunch of missed calls, and she had already talked to Kate and Winslow, who had rung in the New Year in New York earlier. All the missed calls turned out to be from Kai.
“Can you meet me outside?” he asked when she called him back.
“Why are you outside?”
“Just get out here. Meet me across the street,” Kai said in a playful demand.
“Leave my party?” Dylan ran Odette’s paddle brush through her hair and patted sweat off her forehead. “Where are we going? We’re counting down in, like, two hours.”
“We’re not going on a bank robbing spree, Dyl. We’ll be back.” Kai hung up, probably to avoid more of her objections. She groaned in frustration and walked out the hotel room, took the elevator down to the ground floor and exited the hotel. The suites used a private elevator that allowed her to bypass the casino.
Kai waved when she reached the other side of the street, and a feeling of delight swirled all the way up from her toes. No matter how many times she saw him, that same feeling always washed over her, along with peace and serenity, things she hadn’t felt for a long time before him. She ran in slow motion toward him without caring if people were staring. Kai laughed and mimicked until they were about two feet away from each other. Dylan jumped into his arms and he spun her around. The people sitting on the patio of the restaurant at the Paris Las Vegas, the Mon Ami Gabi, cheered.
“Where are we going?” she asked when he put he
r down.
Kai pointed. “Up there.”
Dylan looked at the replica Eiffel Tower soaring over them, and she shook her head in confusion. “How? It’s closed for the night.”
Kai scoffed and waved his arms in the air. “You ask too many questions.”
“That’s how people manage to not end up accessories to crime after the fact,” she said, laughing, as he pulled her inside the Paris Las Vegas just as a guy on the street offered them a flyer for hookers. The casino floor was like a flood to her senses: they passed some guys with “yard” drinks on straps draped around their necks, tourists in gaudy gift shop shirts sitting at the card tables looking like they were on their last dimes, ringing slot machines, a group of drunk twenty-somethings on their way out to celebrate New Year’s, waitresses in tiny French maid costumes serving drinks to already drunk gamblers, the vague punching beat of distant nightclub music and the fog of cigarette smoke. Vegas was a collective spit in the face of everything parents ever warned their kids about.
Kai nodded to a man who escorted them to an elevator near a group of Wheel of Fortune slot games where Pat Sajak’s voice was on an eternal loop.
“Once the car goes up, you’ve got ten minutes,” the man said. “You’re not back down here by then, you’ll probably be arrested for trespassing.” Kai nodded again after he pushed some bills into his hand as they stepped on. They stood against the back wall of the elevator, and he clutched her hand until heat pulsed between their palms. Holding his hand still made her stomach seize and her heart rush. It was so easy to admit to how she felt about him to herself, but speaking it out loud was tougher, scarier.
“I’m going to see the real one at the end of next year. How did you…?” she asked, tilting her head up at him.
“I overheard you talking to your parents about Paris for Christmas. I hated that I wouldn’t be coming with you, and I wanted to show you the Eiffel Tower first.” He had said it all without looking at her. He was still subdued and quiet, like in the previous days.
“It seems like you went to some trouble. Thank you.” Dylan leaned her head against his shoulder. The elevator car allowed a peek of The Strip below through the crisscrossing metal of the tower as it whisked them up higher and higher. Dylan stared down at the river of white and red lights on the road below and the dark fountains of the Bellagio across the street. The open spaces also filtered in cool December air so she turned and pressed herself against his chest. He tensed initially but pulled her closer and rested his cheek against her forehead. His warmth was so inviting, she stopped caring about the view outside. She didn’t care about where they were or who he was or what happened tomorrow. I just want him. Maybe it was time to say so? Maybe she finally had the courage to choose this, choose them, and choose herself. Her pulse went full throttle.
“Perfect timing.” He swiveled her around to the scenery, and the sparkling white lights of the Bellagio fountains burst into the air with the water in tune with “Viva Las Vegas.” They watched with his arms wrapped around her. She smiled as he quietly mimicked Elvis’ voice, and they cheered when the last bits of lit water crashed into the pool below with a final booming sound.
“Woo!! This was amazing. I think I’ve seen every show today, but nothing beats seeing it from up here at night,” she said, hugging him. “Thank you so much. Vegas. Bellagio. Eiffel Tower. Really one of the best birthdays ever, Kai.”
Kai cradled her face and stared at her like he was listening to her heartbeat and not her words. “You deserve all of it. You deserve a wonderful life. You have so much to look forward to when you get back to San Francisco.” Kai pressed his lips to her forehead and held them there for a beat. “Happy birthday, Dylan.”
She swept his hair back with her fingers. “Thanks…” But she wondered how such sweet words could feel so earth-shatteringly heartbreaking at the same time. Something felt off...almost like an ending.
He was completely silent on the way down and on the walk back to their room at the Bellagio. The entire group of friends kicked everyone out and departed together a short time later, taking cabs to the Palms Hotel, which wasn’t on Las Vegas Boulevard. Wes’ club promoter friend escorted them into Rain nightclub, which was congested with sweaty New Year’s Eve revelers, and up an elevator to the two reserved skybox VIP balconies above the main dance floor. Servers blew through with buckets of ice and expensive liquor with sparklers shooting from the tops, before Dylan and her friends danced their way toward midnight.
“All right…all right…all right, Vegas!! This is DJ Lucky and we’re just about a minute away, so grab your glasses, make sure they’re full and find some lips,” the deejay said over the speakers, and the crowd exploded in cheers. Wes led the charge of replenishing everyone’s glasses.
“Where’s Kai?” she asked as she took a tiny sip of champagne from her glass.
“I’ve barely seen him around since we got here.” Wes shrugged before he took a gulp from one of the glasses he was double fisting.
“10…9…8…” Dylan angled her neck, looking around for Kai. She leaned over the balcony and looked in both directions to the other skyboxes. She figured maybe some fans had recognized him and stolen him away for a few minutes.
“7…6...5...4…” Wes bumped her arm with his elbow and asked, “Kiss on the cheek?”
“3…2…1…Happy New Year!” The ceiling released a shower of gold and silver confetti and balloons over their heads. Odette and Seth embraced before he dipped her into a kiss. Jamie was making out with a guy in a tux. Abel kissed one, two, three, four girls in one of the skyboxes a ways down, and Wes was aiming his puffed up cheek at her. After some reluctance, she puckered her lips and leaned in just in time for him to twist his head. Wes exaggerated the smacking sound but pulled back before their lips connected.
“Wes! You said cheek!” Dylan screamed, recoiling. “We almost kissed! Don’t you know what they say about what you’re doing at midnight on New Year’s? How it defines the rest of the year?!”
“Didn’t look like anyone else was going to do it,” Wes said, before downing his second drink.
“Oh, well then…” Dylan rolled her eyes and slapped him on the cheek lightly. “…Thanks for the pity almost kiss.”
His gaze drifted away to something behind her. Dylan spun on her heels and locked eyes with Kai, standing alone behind the skyboxes, staring out into nowhere. Her stomach tightened when she saw the sad, distant look on his face. Why hadn’t he come to her? It confirmed what she had suspected when they were atop the Eiffel Tower.
He was giving her up.
She waved until she caught his eye, and he forced a tight smile before walking toward the elevator and getting in. He was leaving. Dylan charged across the VIP area to the staircase and beat him to the first floor. The rush of alcohol made her legs tingly.
“Where are you going?” she asked, confused and rattled, when the doors opened. Kai walked past her, but he turned to face her after a few steps. The crowd downstairs was insane and packed tightly into the space. The VIP elevators were cordoned off and patrolled by security, so they could avoid the craziness until they stepped past the velvet rope.
“Heading out,” Kai said impassively. Before he could move away, she grabbed his arm.
“Is it because of Wes kissing me?” she asked. “‘Cause he didn’t… really.”
“Not even close,” Kai said with a small, hopeless smile. “I want to put my fist down his throat for even pretending to, but…it’s not like you’re…never mind.” He shook his head.
“Then why are you leaving the party?”
“I already gave you your present. I’m tired. Today was a long day. I want to get some sleep before you guys stumble in later.” Kai wrapped his arms around her and his breaths sputtered out near her ear. “Goodnight.” His lips smashed against her temple.
“Kai, why did earlier tonight feel so...final? Like you were…”
“Letting you go,” he said unemotionally, before he pulled away and w
alked into the madness of celebration. Dylan cringed because he had confirmed her theory. It was like the night in Lahaina all over again, except he was dishing what she had dealt. She was stunned. Her legs went weak, her breathing caught in her throat, but she followed him, fisting her hand around his sleeve when she reached him. They were in the middle of drunken dancers, and the laughter around them suddenly felt cruel.
When Kai spun around, she said, “You wanted me to have a good birthday so you could dump me?”
Kai leaned in to her ear and placed his lips right up against it. “You can’t get rid of something you never had, Dylan. I never had you. But you’ve always had me. From day one. From the minute you looked at me like I wasn’t Butch. And a few days ago, I chose you, and I hoped you would choose me, too. You didn’t,” he said flatly. “Are we done reminiscing?”
The words hit Dylan like ice water then her skin went hot. She was still clutching his sleeve, unsure of what to say. It’s not like she could argue anything different. He was right. She hadn’t chosen him. She’d had the opportunity and she’d wanted to, but she didn’t. He hadn’t asked her to let go of Mac—even though she was starting to figure out that she needed to—but still, she was clinging to her brother. She was hanging on to a past she couldn’t change and losing her opportunity to help shape their future.
He stood still like he was wishing for her to say something. When she looked up at him compassionately, still trying to find the strength to say the words as tears welled in her eyes, Kai gently pried her fingers off him. “YOU’RE LEAVING.” His eyes emptied of the slight traces of kindness they still had left. Abject sadness, the kind that only blooms where this kind of unrequited affinity exists, knifed her through his gaze. “And people always leave. The ones I hope stay never do. No matter how much I love them, people always leave me. It’s never fucking enough to change anything. My dad. My mom. My family. My band. Eventually all of them will leave, too, because they all have people who love them back.” He cocked his chin at the skybox. “Fame and fortune, and I’m still the fuck up who ends up alone. Just like Butch.”