by Sand, A. J.
Dylan palmed a tear off her cheek, and Kai huffed out a heavy breath. He started to brush another one of her tears away but he stopped himself. “I wanted so badly to keep my distance because I didn’t want this. But how could I, when you’re so beautiful and sweet, when I thought you saw past my shit? But I also didn’t want to have to deal with this again. Didn’t want to have to deal with never being enough for people to stay.”
He held her face in his palms. His own face softened. “You look beautiful tonight. I didn’t want to ruin your birthday, Dyl. I’m so sorry. It’s the last thing I wanted to do. Tonight wasn’t when I wanted to have this conversation. I wanted to wait. Hurting you is unbearable…but so was watching you tonight, remembering that I was losing you. I’ve also watched you make plans that didn’t include me. And I can’t even begin to express how that feels.
“You know why I’m always staring at you? I don’t want to forget any part of you, ever. Because you’re leaving, and maybe I always knew you would. You’re leaving me, without even a chance of coming back. You’re shutting me out, even though I see you. I see your struggle, and I know it.
“I’m not necessarily saying I won’t be here if you need me, but you know we can’t really be friends. I didn’t think I’d be able to walk away from you, but you said you can’t, and I don’t want to hold on, if you want to go. You can never keep anybody that way. It’s been killing me slowly knowing that a morning exists where I’ll wake up and you won’t be there. When you actually go, it’ll finish me off, so for self-preservation, I have to do it first.” He dropped his hands and she watched him go until the darkness swallowed him up.
Dylan went numb, moving only when the frenetic crowd bumped her around. She was still staring at the spot where he had stood, even though someone else was already occupying it.
Kai was gone.
Everything started to slow down. The bodies moved like they were marionettes. The song from the speakers swam around the room in a lethargic drawl. The bite of his words slithered through her like a viper before she completely broke down into an unending wave of sobs. He was wrong. He was so wrong in thinking it was him. It was her. She just didn’t know how there was enough of her left for anybody.
Buried Things – Chapter 23
Three days. Wintervention’s Miami weekend was three days away, and Dylan didn’t want to go. She wanted to stay in Lahaina. She wanted to go to San Francisco. She wanted to go home. Anywhere that she wouldn’t have to face Kai after the mess that was Vegas. At least he wasn’t on Maui.
But she ached for him anyway.
She pulled the covers from over her head when someone knocked on her bedroom door. After wiping her eyes across her arm, she sat up. “Come in.”
“Scoot over,” Jamie said, trotting across the room to climb into bed with her. She snuggled right against her, petting Dylan’s hair. “Fucking…Vegas.” Her tone was exaggeratedly distraught.
Dylan’s crying immediately turned to laughter. “Yeah, I don’t think I ever want to go back.”
“You will. It gets worse every time I’m there, and I say I won’t go back, but somehow, at least three times a year, I wake up with tons of regret for tossing all the values my parent instilled out the window, I’m covered in glitter and next to Abel freaking Elliott.”
Dylan cackled into her pillow until she was crying from the hilarity. She flipped over to Jamie’s smile. “I knew that would make you laugh. I don’t know how you managed to avoid the Elliott brother trap.”
“I met them?” Dylan said sarcastically, and Jamie laughed out loud until she had to cover her mouth.
“And landed in the Kai White one. Or maybe he landed in yours.” Her smile fell slowly. “Either way. Don’t give up on him, Dylan. I’m not just saying that because he’s my friend. I’m saying that because I’m yours, too.”
“I think you’ve got that the other way around. He’s done with me, Jamie.” After Dylan wiped away her tears, Jamie put her hand on top of hers.
She shook her head. “I just think he hopes you’ll fight for him… No one really has. I think he wants you to fight for you two. And if you didn’t want to, I doubt you’d be wasting your tears.” Jamie clung to her tightly for a few seconds before she swiveled around and put her feet on the floor. “Dette and I are going to Kihei since she’s leaving for Perth tomorrow. Wanna come? It’ll be fun. You’ll get to see me attempt to surf…”
“I think I’ll hang out here. Thanks though,” Dylan said, following her out into the hallway. She got in the shower and got dressed for the day. Even though she wasn’t going to Kihei, she wanted to try to enjoy her last few days in Hawaii. Ribsy and Micah were having their first cookout of the year, and she figured she had nothing to lose by going. It wasn’t like the whole damn island didn’t make her think of Kai already.
Dylan tugged on a purple sundress and twisted her hair into a low bun. She took the path in the direction of Kai’s house. Vacationers were out in full force. It was such a beautiful day, which seemed to make her hurt even more for some reason. Dylan dug into her tote when it vibrated against her side.
“Ugh…this time difference is killing me. I never know when you’re awake,” Winslow whined into the phone. “How was your Vegas birthday shindig? I’ve been dying to find out. NYC was awesome! Katie’s friend has this huge house…” Dylan couldn’t hold back her sobs as she listened to her friend talk. Maybe going to the barbeque was a bad idea. Maybe being outside was a bad idea.
“Dee…are you…are you crying?” Winslow asked. “Why are you crying? What happened?” Her voice was already getting small. She would be crying in seconds too.
“Low, I messed things up with Kai. He poured his heart out to me twice and I ran away pretty much. I said nothing and now he’s gone. He’s done with me.” Dylan deviated from the path to Kai’s house and went down to the beach. “He more or less asked me to pick him and I couldn’t, even though I felt the same way.”
“Of course you couldn’t pick him. You can barely pick yourself,” Winslow said curtly after a sigh.
“But you know why!” Dylan said with a growl as she sat hard in the sand. “And I don’t want to fight, Low.”
“I don’t either. I know you think I’ve been pushing you to be your old self, but you’re wrong. It’s taken some time to get used to my grieving friend, I’ll admit, but I’ve just been scared that there’s no you anymore at all. I watched you that day at the funeral, and I saw you put yourself in the ground, too.” Winslow sobbed loudly, suddenly. “I saw it. You wanted Mac to live so badly, you felt so undeserving, you were willing to take his place. It honestly scared the shit out of me.”
Dylan’s breaths staggered out and she was crying again, and she probably looked like a lunatic to the people walking by. She had buried some of herself—a lot of herself. Dylan had organized dorm dances, scavenger hunts, hall dinners, dance marathons, student issue forums, sexual health Q&A’s, ice cream socials and movie screenings the past two years at her school, but she had also played an active role in strategizing ways of improving campus and dorm life for all students. She had been instrumental in the creation of the upperclassmen-underclassmen mentorship program, and a clip of her film about it had been made a part of an online video about the school on the school’s website. CSFC was small, but it was still a college, which meant that for some people, especially those far away from home and without their normal group of friends, it was a huge adjustment period, and having an array of activities to participate in and meet people, at least, provided some opportunity to not feel so alone. She had made so many friends and joined so many community organizations. All of it had seemed so frivolous and trivial when she came back to school this year. She had put all her interests aside that didn’t pertain to “getting serious about her future” and making a way for herself that her brother wouldn’t get.
“McCartney loved you so much. He wouldn’t want you to be anyone different. He’d want you to be you. Your dad’s a pediatrician and y
our mom’s an accountant. Mac wanted to be a lawyer. All boring. There is so much risk with being in the entertainment industry. He adored you and your films because filmmaking fit you so well: daring, fun and rebellious. People always flock to you. Those things about you aren’t dumb or useless. Do you know how great it was to be stuck in a small ass room with someone like you, who was always encouraging us to get out and do stuff? And meet people? College can be intimidating, and you made the three of us jump in full-speed ahead. At the end of those first two weeks of school, I couldn’t walk across campus without bumping into someone I really knew already. We were involved in everything! You made my freshman year, even as things were falling apart at home. You made everything okay, Dee, because you loved life. You filmed it. You lived it.
“And I know you genuinely love making movies, but it’s, like, you’re hiding behind it now, and this drive is consuming you in a way. You need balance again, babe. We’re losing you.” She took a breath and a cry choked out. “I’m not saying throw your entire professional life away now, but you’ve got to stop punishing yourself for being alive. And you’re alive, Dee! Just be that. Live for him by living your own life the best you can. And part of that means allowing yourself to be in love with this boy who you are obviously crazy about. Mac never got to fall in love or be with his friends the way you do. I bet he wanted that. He’d want you to have that too.”
Would Mac still want her holding on to him like this? In her quest to live for him, she had stopped living for herself. And that was taking life for granted. That was how people ended up with regrets when they didn’t have to. Mac wouldn't want that for her. She definitely didn’t want that for herself. She was crazy about Kai. She was falling in love with him. This wasn’t about letting go of Mac or not making him proud or not honoring his memory. It was about not losing herself in the process.
“Remember what you told me when Mom and Dad didn’t call me back last January? When they sent my Christmas cards back?” Winslow asked, her voice wavering as she sniffled. “About the hole in my heart?”
“Yeah…”
“You said Steve would never fill it, but his love would be enough to shrink it, and it has. A lot. The hurt you feel over Mac’s death will never go away, but I bet Kai will love you in a way that makes it hurt less.”
Dylan smiled even though she felt like bawling. The revelation made sense. This was why she allowed Winslow to push her the way she did. “If only Steve could see us now…having a ‘girly’ talk,” Dylan said, laughing. “So…that whole work fraternization part was probably stupid, though, huh?”
“Dude, it was totally stupid. I’ve been worried because of the pictures on the Internet,” Winslow said, like she had wanted to do so for a long time. “That was the only thing that almost made me not want to encourage it the way I did. Although, I bet even if you hadn’t met him through this job, we’d probably still be having the same conversation.”
That was true. She would’ve held herself back from any guy. It’s not like she hadn’t been avoiding any form of opposite sex contact since the summer, until Kai.
“Shit. Are they totally obvious? I’d forgotten about all the pictures we’re probably in together, especially from Wintervention. I’m going to confess to my boss about it before she catches me, if she hasn’t already. I don’t want what I’ve done to reflect badly on Professor J either for being in my corner, or that bitch Ashley. Coming clean is probably better than hiding it, especially if I want there to be more with him. I hope he still wants more. Maybe this was the last chance.” Dylan was about to cry again. Forget a roller coaster. This was like an emotional tornado.
“Well, he’d be dumb then. You’re beautiful and sweet and funny and crazy. Mac’s death is hard for you, and maybe it’s hard for him watching you go through it alone. And he probably loves you, because I certainly do. It’s a little less than I do Steve, but I do love you.” Winslow cleared her throat. “Which is why Kate and I told your parents that we’ve been worried about you.”
Dylan was surprised but not upset. It made sense now why her mom had added that extra spiel to the birthday call. She was thankful for her friends, and she really, really missed them. “Thanks, baby, I love you, too. Just slightly more than I might be in with Kai.”
After the boys’ barbeque, Dylan went jet skiing with Leko and then spearfishing so Ribsy could make dinner. At least his friends were still accepting her into their group. She imagined that they all knew what was going on, but they never treated her differently. Maybe even they’d had more faith in her and Kai than she’d had. Jamie and Odette returned from Kihei just in time for a meal of grilled fish, ribs and poke. Everyone drank beers and sang old songs as Ribsy played the ukulele. Dylan entertained them with her “name a rap album” game, and no one was able to stump her. She kept expecting Kai to come walking up the steps of the deck, but she knew Jamie was right. If she wanted him, she would have to fight for him. She was going to chase him, and this time for keeps.
“Nina Sanchez’ office…this is Rebecca speaking,” the chipper receptionist on the other end said. This was the fourth time Dylan had called, and this time she was determined not to hang up. She was pacing back and forth across the deck of Jamie’s house, going over what she had practiced all morning. She figured her best option was to overload her with all the good things she’d done on the project and just stick “the Kai thing” right in the middle. The reality was, though, that in a few minutes everything she had worked for could go up in smoke.
“May I speak with Nina, please? It’s Dylan Carroll.”
“Oh, hi, Dylan. Have you been having trouble getting through? I think something’s up with our phones…hold on. She’s just wrapping up a conference call.”
“Thanks,” Dylan said after a bout of nervous laughter. She leaned down with her forehead against the deck’s railing. Her thundering heartbeat felt like it was shaking the entire structure.
“Dylan. Hi. You’re up early. Are you working? Do you have a question? You should be a pro at this series by now, and I really don’t have time to go over details right now,” Nina said, causing Dylan to jerk her head up. She went to sit on the steps.
“No. I called because I need to tell you something. Something important.” Dylan went into a speech about how she had really enjoyed this opportunity and how she was surprised and moved by all the positive feedback she had gotten from everyone. “So I hope you won’t hold it against me when I admit that I broke your rule. I got involved with Kai...personally. It wasn’t my intention coming into this job. But I care about him now and I just thought you should know.” Anxious, tingling warmth enveloped her legs as she waited for Nina to say something.
“Wow. I didn’t expect to hear this from you today,” Nina said with what sounded like a smile on her face. Dylan bit her lip in confusion. Nina had anticipated this. But why was she happy about it? “Dylan, I’m Kai’s publicist too, obviously, so I keep tabs on him even when I can’t be there and even when Ashley can’t see. It’s called Google Alerts. It was hard to miss the pictures of you two holding hands at Wintervention. I’ve seen plenty. A lot of them are from the back, or you’re just slightly out of frame, but I recognized you immediately. Some reports surfaced about Kai getting into an argument with an attractive dark-haired girl in a nightclub in Orlando. Sound familiar? One even mentioned you by name. I have been unsure of how to handle it, especially when Lizabeth keeps coincidentally reminding me of how stellar your work has been.”
“Um…oh. Right.” A chill lashed Dylan’s back. Great. Professor Jordan knew, too, and Nina had known when she saw her in L.A….and still hadn’t reprimanded her? Why?
“It’s been difficult to reconcile your insubordination with your talent. I will also admit that I’m impressed by your willingness to be honest and to take responsibility.” Nina sighed…in disappointment? Relief? Dylan wasn’t sure just yet. “Well, as of the end of the week, you’re fired,” Nina said nonchalantly.
Dylan’s eyes wid
ened and she mouthed the word like she had never heard it before. Professor Jordan would be so disappointed in her, but then Dylan paused. Her job was due to end anyway. She smiled, cautiously optimistic. “Okay, ma’am. I understand.”
“And it just so happens that I’ll be too busy in the next few days to inform any of the people I recommended you to and wrote references on your behalf for, which is really unfortunate for me.”
Dylan smiled wider for a beat—Nina was letting her off the hook—but she quickly turned serious. “May I ask about the web series? What will happen to it? Because I know the real reason why Kai and Jeremy got into a fight but I can’t say. You can’t use it to help him,” Dylan said matter-of-factly.
Nina groaned with impatience. “I understand that you care about him, and it may be something you think you need to protect him from, but I’m familiar with the industry, I’m managing his career and I know what can make and break it. Right now, this is breaking it. I’ve had to deal with lost endorsements and terminated contracts. It’s important that I lessen the impact of what he did. I’m letting things slide because you still did your work well in spite of…what was going on between you and Kai, but… ” Nina’s voice trailed off before she sighed impatiently. “I won’t turn it over to you until I know what the fight was really over and draw my own conclusions. You’re emotionally involved now, and you’re not seeing things clearly.”
“I can tell you that I agree with Kai that it’s not worth it. It’s bigger than him.”
“And you think you’re in the position to make a decision like that?” Her tone wasn’t snippy but filled with curiosity.
Before Dylan could speak, two beeps sounded in her ear, a signal that she had a call coming in. Maybe it was Kai. She could only hope. “Nina, can I please put you on hold for a second?” Without waiting for her permission, Dylan looked at the screen as anxiety filled her chest. Sure enough, Kai’s name was on it. Dylan jumped to a standing position and clicked over.