In between dancing and talking loudly over the music, I find Allie and give her a hug. We introduce our boyfriends to each other and then part ways. Half an hour later, out of the corner of my eye, I see my friend Peyton and point her out to Dane.
“That’s Peyton,” I say. Dane looks at her but seems confused.
“She’s the one who I’ve been friends with since kindergarten. We’ve been friends on and off throughout high school.” Dane nods slowly.
“Oh yeah,” he says. One of Peyton’s friends holds her hand and spins her in a circle, causing them both to smile. Peyton notices us watching her and waves dramatically. She runs straight over and wraps me in a hug, her curled hair bouncing right into my face. I blow it away and hug her back. When she lets go, a huge smile is on her face, and she sticks her hand out to Dane.
“I’m Peyton. You must be Penelope’s boyfriend.” Dane shakes her hand and nods.
“I’m Dane. Nice to meet you.”
“You too. It was good to see you,” Peyton says to the both of us. Then, she hurries back to her group of friends and starts dancing again. Dane smiles at me, and we begin to dance again too.
After a few songs, I leave Dane on the dance floor to go to the bathroom. I’m greeted by half a dozen girls fixing their hair and makeup in a huge mirror, but I find an open sink and do the same. A second later, one of the bathroom stalls opens, and Lin walks out. We instantly make eye contact, and my heart jumps into my throat. She comes to the mirror and sink right next to me and stares down at her hands.
“You here with Dane?” She asks. The other group of girls in the bathroom talk over us, but then they start to leave.
“Yep.”
“Figured.” Lin washes her hands for a long time, and I watch her through the mirror. I can’t find any words to say, so I let the music from the other room fill the silence. Finally, Lin turns the water off and turns to look at me.
“I hope you’re happy.” She turns and walks out, and I’m left feeling confused and sad all over again. I thought I’d moved on from these feelings, but I guess all it took was one more interaction with her to realize I’d never properly grieved the loss of her.
I look into the mirror and see sadness in my eyes, but I shake my head and look away. Today isn’t about her, so she’s not allowed to ruin my mood. I take a big deep breath and leave the bathroom, finding Dane at the snack table. I smile, and he does too.
“You okay?” He asks. I nod and take his hand, leading him back towards the dance floor. We dance for another hour, moving further into the middle of the crowd. And by the end of the night, we’re exhausted but happy. Overall, I’d say it was a successful night.
I take my heels off as we walk back to Dane’s car, and I hold tightly to his hand. When we get into the car, Dane smiles at me and kisses me on the forehead. He doesn't say anything, but I can tell we’re both happy.
Dane drives home with the radio on quietly, and we hold hands the whole way. The sky is dark but full of stars, and I stare up at them the whole way home.
When we pull into my driveway, I’m exhausted, and I can barely keep my eyes open. My head lulls back and forth, and I erupt in laughter when Dane tries to kiss me.
“Hey, kiss me,” Dane cries.
“Kiss me,” I mock and attempt to kiss him again. But halfway through our kiss, I start to smile and erupt in giggles again.
“Sorry, sorry,” I say and try one more time. We kiss longer this time before I smile again and end the kiss. Dane holds my face with his hands.
“I love you so much. You know that?” He asks.
“Yeah, and you know what? I luh you too,” I say and start giggling again.
“Hey, be serious,” Dane says, so I force my face into a frown. He looks at me with narrowed eyes. “That’s not what I meant.” I smile.
“I had a great time tonight. Thank you so much for everything,” I say.
“I did too. You were beautiful. You are beautiful,” he says. We kiss one more time.
“I want this to last forever,” I say, and a rush of sadness hits me. I let out a breath and look out the window.
“We will last forever,” Dane says, reaching for my hand. He takes it and squeezes tight. I squeeze back.
“But I’m scared,” I whisper and look back at him.
“Why? You shouldn’t be scared,” Dane says. Lines form between his eyebrows, and his lips turn into a frown.
“But you’re going to leave,” I say. My heart beats fast, and my eyes well up with tears. A rock forms in my throat when I swallow, but I try to calm myself down. I can’t cry on prom night.
“I’m going to come back to you,” Dane says, “I promise.” I take a few deep breaths.
“I’m sorry. I know. I guess I’m just tired,” I say and force a smile. He leans over and gives me a kiss on each cheek, on my forehead, and then on my lips.
“I love you,” he says again. I stare into his eyes.
“I love you too.” I pause. “We’re going to be okay,” I say, nodding to myself.
“We are okay,” Dane says.
“Yes, that too.” I smile, and he smiles back. “Okay, I’ll text you. Drive home safe please.” I raise my eyebrows and point a finger at him.
“Okay.”
“Don’t speed. I mean it,” I say, smiling again.
“Okay, okay,” Dane says and gives me one last kiss. Then, I get out of the car and head inside.
Everyone is already asleep, except for Mom, who sits alone in the living room, watching TV. I fall onto the couch and lean against the arm rest.
“How was your night?” Mom asks.
“Great,” I say, “I’m exhausted.”
“Well you can tell me all about it tomorrow if you want. I just wanted to stay up to make sure you got home safe.”
“Okay, goodnight,” I say and stand up.
“Goodnight. Love you,” Mom says.
“Love you too.”
I go upstairs and quietly tiptoe around my room to find some clothes to change into. My body feels so much lighter when I take my dress off, and it takes five whole minutes for me to find and take out all the bobby pins in my hair. Then, I crawl into bed and expect to instantly fall asleep, but instead, my mind has a plan of its own.
Instead, I’m thinking about Dane. Since I met him, my whole life has started to change. I’m finding new interests like photography, going to church, meeting new people, and overall feeling like a changed woman. So I can’t even begin to imagine how much my life will change if I continue to be with him, but what does that look like?
I won’t get to see or hear from him for two months, while he goes through Basic Military Training. Can I even handle that emotionally? It’ll be like trying to go cold turkey from an addiction. It’ll be utterly painful, and I’m afraid of the hole it’ll create in my life.
But what if we make it through those two months? Even after that, I won’t get to see him for months at a time. I won’t get to go on any adventures with him. I won’t get to hug him or kiss him. I’ll be utterly alone again, and I don’t want that. I don’t think I can handle that.
I don’t know what to do. But I love him. So maybe that’s all I need. Maybe that will be enough. I hope.
✦✦✦
There are only nine days until Dane leaves, and today, he graduates high school. It’s all happening so fast. The days aren’t long enough.
Dane’s parents and I sit in the bleachers of his high school’s gymnasium with hundreds of other parents and family members. The air is sticky and thick with humidity, and the sound of everyone speaking, laughing, arguing, and making noise is numbing. It’s all familiar. I saw my brother Kevin graduate only a week ago in my own school’s gymnasium.
This feels different, though. It feels weird to be here. I’m not his family, but I guess I’m important enough to see him graduate. Of course, I want to be here, but I don’t know. Every second I can see, hear, or feel him is almost sacred, but I don’t know if I’m putting
too much pressure on this. He would tell me to relax, but I don’t think I know how.
“I don’t see him. Do you?” Pam asks. She peers through each row to try and find Dane, but it’s difficult to identify anyone when they all wear identical red caps and gowns.
I search from the back, hoping they are in alphabetical order. Then, I spot him.
His brunette hair peeks out of the bottom of his cap, and he looks significantly taller than the people around him.
“Found him. Fourth row from the back. Kind of in the middle,” I say. Pam squeaks out noises of excitement and brings her hands together. She waves dramatically in Dane’s direction, but he doesn't see us. She finally stops.
“Aw, I can’t believe it,” she says, “He was just a little baby.”
I smile but continue to watch Dane. He stares straight forward, not conversing with anyone around him. I imagine I would be the same way. For a few seconds, Dane glances around the gymnasium, passes right over us, and then faces forward again.
The principal comes on stage, and people slowly quiet down. And the commencement ceremony begins. The choir performs the national anthem, and everyone claps when they’re finished. Then, the singers file through the rows and find their seats. The principal, still on stage, calls upon the valedictorian and salutatorian to make their speeches. I tune them out.
Then, the class president is welcomed on stage and begins reading the names of every graduate. Time slows. With over seven hundred students in Dane’s graduating class, everyone squirms in their seats, waiting for their child to be called, and after that, they squirm even more, waiting for it all to finally end.
After what feels like an eternity, Dane’s row stands and moves towards the stage. Name after name is called until finally, it’s Dane’s turn. I pull out my phone and start recording.
“Dane Sutton,” his class president says.
Pam cheers and claps, while Ethan and Joseph remain reserved as usual. Dane smiles politely, shakes hands with everyone he’s supposed to, and returns to his seat a minute later. That’s it.
I stop recording and watch with boredom as more students that I don’t know cross the stage. Out of everyone graduating today, I probably know ten of them, and the majority of those ten are people from Dane’s volleyball team. So I honestly couldn’t care less about the rest of the students.
Finally, after another twenty minutes, all the students are named. The class president finally calls his own name and walks across the stage. The principal ends the commencement ceremony by thanking everyone, and then it’s a madhouse.
The graduating students stand row after row to exit the gymnasium neatly, while all the families in the bleachers make a mad dash for the other doors without paying attention to who they knock into or push over.
I stay as close as I can to the Sutton’s until we get outside of the gym. We search around for Dane, but with everyone walking around, it’s impossible to spot him. I text him to tell him where we are, and a few minutes later, he comes pushing through the crowd towards us.
We all smile and take turns hugging him.
“Congratulations, buddy,” Ethan says.
“Thanks, Dad,” Dane says. Their embrace is short. Joseph doesn't even hug him. He gives him a thumbs up and smiles, while Pam is nearly in tears.
“I’m so proud of you,” she says. She hugs Dane for a long time, and when she finally lets go, Dane walks over to me and wraps his arm around me.
“We need pictures!” Pam says. We look around for a place to take photos, but the foyer we’re in is packed full with people.
“Let’s go outside,” Dane says. Dane leads me outside with a hand to my back, and the rest of his family follows behind us.
The sun shines brightly, making me bring a hand to cover my eyes, but at least it’s quieter out here.
We take turns posing next to Dane and taking photos of each other, and finally, it’s time to leave. For the last time, Dane drives out of his high school’s parking lot.
CHAPTER 11
The end of each day now strikes a match inside my heart, igniting it with anxiety and a dull aching. With only a few more days left of Dane being here in Indiana, his family and I are trying to fit as many activities as we can into such a short amount of time. His departure weighs heavy on all of us.
Dane’s mom throws him a graduation party, and I stay the whole time, meeting so many people whose names go in one ear and right out the other. I know I should at least try to remember the important peoples’ names, but my mind is too preoccupied.
Dane is happy and excited to be leaving for the Air Force. I know that because he tells every single person who asks. I don’t know why that offends me so much. I guess I want him to be as sad as I am, but I know he’s about to embark on an exciting journey. I’m being selfish, but I can’t help it.
The whole day goes by quickly, which makes me even more anxious. When everyone leaves, Dane sits with me downstairs on the couch. I stare at nothing.
“What’s wrong?” Dane asks. After hiding my emotions and forcing a mostly fake smile all day, my defenses immediately fall at his question, and I break down in tears. Dane scoots closer to me on the couch and puts his hand on my back.
“Hey, what’s wrong? Everything will be okay,” Dane says.
I ugly cry. My nose starts to run, and tears fall down my face like a waterfall. I feel like a total loser because I don’t know why I’m crying. I stand up and walk outside onto the back patio.
It’s raining now, and it drowns out my crying and sniffles. Dane comes outside too, and we both sit at the patio table. The pitter patter of raindrops fills my ears, and it soothes me. My crying stops, and my breathing slows. The rain slows too.
“Do you want to talk now?” Dane asks after a couple minutes. I shrug.
“I guess‒ I don’t know,” I sigh, “I guess it’s all starting to set in that you’re actually leaving. It hasn’t seemed real until now, and it’s just making me sad.” I choke up a little but force myself to hold in the tears this time.
“We’re going to be okay. We’re going to make it through it.”
“I guess,” I say.
“What do you mean you guess?”
“Well, I don’t know. You could find someone else while you’re in Texas and decide you want to leave me. That would ruin me.”
“That’s never going to happen,” Dane says plainly. He stares at me, and I feel embarrassed.
“But how do you know? How are you so confident?”
“Why aren’t you?” He asks. It takes me aback.
“Because I’m scared, and I worry,” I say slowly.
“Do you love me?” Dane asks.
“Yes, of course,” I say.
“Then there’s nothing you need to worry about because I love you too. End of story.” Dane stands up, and I look away. I hate that this is so simple and easy for him.
Raindrops drip off the roof and land on the pavement in front of me. The sky is getting darker.
“Are you coming inside?” Dane asks.
“In a minute.”
Dane walks inside, and I watch him go up the stairs. I sit and breathe slowly for a few more minutes and then head inside too. Dane comes back downstairs a few minutes later. He acts strange.
“My mom says that if you need to talk to her, you can. She’s upstairs in her room.”
“You told your mom I was crying?” I stare at him with a blank face.
“Yeah.”
“Why would you do that?”
“Because I thought you might want to talk to another woman. I’m not very good with dealing with other people’s emotions, so I thought my mom would be better,” Dane says. I’m baffled.
“If I wanted to talk to another woman, I’d go talk to my own mom. I wanted to talk to you,” I say. Dane doesn't say anything. “Whatever. I’m just gonna go home.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, I mean, you’re tired. I’m tired. It’s been a long day, and it’s get
ting dark outside. I should probably head home anyways.”
“Don’t go home mad. Okay?” Dane says.
“I’m not mad. I’m just tired. Okay? I love you,” I say and stand up.
“I love you too. Let me walk you out.”
When I walk upstairs, Dane follows, and we’re greeted by his mom coming out of her bedroom.
“Hey, you doing okay?” She asks me.
“Yeah, I’m just about to head home,” I say with a small smile.
“Okay, well I’m praying for you. I know this is hard, but we’re in this together.”
“Thank you,” I say, “Goodnight, Pam.”
Dane walks me out to my car, and he watches me carefully. Then, he leans down and kisses me. It’s slow, and it makes my heart race. When he finally steps back, I smile. This is what I will miss when he leaves.
“I love you,” Dane says.
“I love you too,” I say.
“Drive safe and text me when you get home.” Dane opens my car door for me, and I get in.
“Okay.” He closes it and waves before walking back towards his house. I let out a huge sigh and allow the tears to fall, as I drive home.
Right when I’m about to fall asleep, I hear my phone vibrate on my desk. I reach to grab it and find a text from Dane.
I just want you to know that I’ve never loved anyone like I’ve loved you. That never did I ever think I’d find someone to fulfill everything I’ve ever even dreamt of in a girl. Marriage is a ways out and maybe a dream now, but I know I want you in my life now, 2 months from now, and forever. I want to go to your senior prom, go to your graduation, spend many more nights with you and your family, and celebrate your 18th birthday and every one of them after. I want to marry you and grow old with you. Almost 5 months in, and I know that you’ll be in my life for as long as I live.
Love Lasts Page 12