It’s a week before I leave, and it’s been really hard. It’s been hard knowing that I won’t see, kiss, or feel you for 7.5 weeks, but I’m passionate about you and adamant that we can and WILL get through this. I’m stressing prioritizing you and my family, and I wish I could see you 24/7 for the next week. It’s so hard on me knowing I can’t. But I’m trying really hard to please you and make you feel wanted. I know you took off work for me, but know that my family is also a priority and that I need to spend equal time with them.
There’s so much I want to do with you, so much we’ve yet to experience. But we will in the next few months and years. You’re my all, my world, and I know this may… I know this is a lot to take in and process right now, but I love you and want you for a long time. I’m hopeful that we’ll make things work, and there won’t be another guy or any lost feelings when I come home. I don’t know what I’d do without you or who I’d be.
You inspire me, provide me with hope, joy, and an everlasting happiness. You’re the reason I wake up and strive to be the best person I can be, my drive to do well in life, to make a difference… to come home. Penelope Freeman, I. Love. You. So much.
I love your voice. I love when it stutters, when it makes weird noises, when it sings, when it quivers, when it whispers, and when it shouts. I love your eyes, the way they gleam towards me, the way they vary in colors depending on what you wear. I love when they roll after I’ve said something stupid. I love your heart, your mind, your fun spirit, and your relentlessness to talk things out when we have problems. I love our experiences, our journeys, our adventures, car rides, meeting new people, and your ability to try new things (no matter what the risks are, no matter how uncomfortable or reckless you feel).
I love your writing, the way your words glide over paper, your ability to write so flawlessly, so effortlessly, so efficiently to convey a message defined not by words but by emotion. Your breath brings life. Your eyes flirt. Your words inspire. You’re beautiful in ways I never could have understood. The way you analyze the world, seeing geese as friends, brings love, laughter, and joy into my life. You’re my everything. My all. And I know I’ll love you forever.
About halfway through, tears started streaming down my face, but I held the sobs in. My heart aches that this is the man I’ve gotten to know and love for the last five months and that even despite my own doubts and insecurities, he’s still one hundred percent confident in us. This is the kind of man I need for the rest of my life. I text him back but can’t find it in me to create something long and poetic like he did.
I love you so much, Dane. I love everything about you and us, and I will be here when you get back. I’m committed to you. I’m invested in us. Nothing will change that. I’m so grateful for all that we’ve been able to experience this far, and I know we have a lot more time to live together in the same place. We’re going to be okay.
I fall asleep shortly after, tears still trickling down my face, with my arms wrapped around my giant teddy bear.
✦✦✦
On June 12th, I wake up with dread. Today is the last day I get to spend with Dane before he’s dropped off at a hotel for the night and taken to the airport to leave for Texas tomorrow.
I wake up earlier than usual and pack a swimsuit in a bag.
Dane’s parents live on a lake, so for his last day in Indiana, he wants to spend the day on the lake. It’s finally warm enough outside to do it, and at this point, I’ll do anything to spend more time with Dane.
While I’m driving over to his house, the radio blares loud music in order to drown out my thoughts, and I sing along to any song I know the words to.
The sun is bright today, and the sky is baby blue like they have no idea that bad things are happening in the world. The sun and sky just continue being happy and beautiful. I wish I could do that.
I pull up outside Dane’s house thirty minutes later and head inside through the garage. Dane’s dad eats breakfast at the kitchen table, and I feel like I’m interrupting.
“Good morning, Penelope,” Ethan says after swallowing a mouthful of cereal.
“Good morning.” I smile politely.
“Dane is downstairs.”
“Okay, thanks,” I say and head towards the stairs. When I walk into the basement, it’s incredibly dark, and I hear a fan blowing loudly. I step through the curtains separating Dane’s bedroom from the rest of the basement and immerse in pitch blackness. I blink rapidly and stand frozen until my eyes slowly begin to adjust.
The outline of Dane’s bed appears a few feet away, so I take cautious steps forward with my hands reaching out in front of me. My shin kicks into his bed frame, and I hold in a groan. I blink rapidly again, trying to identify Dane’s body so I don’t step on him. I see a human-sized lump in the blankets on the left side, so I crawl onto his bed on the right side. Then, I lay down and look in his direction.
A hand reaches from under the blanket towards me, startling me and causing me to flinch. But then, I relax and let Dane wrap his arms around me and bring me closer to his body.
“Good morning,” I say.
He mumbles something incoherent.
We lay there, while minutes pass. My eyes are much more adjusted by now, so I can see him and everything around us‒the mess that is his room.
After awhile, our breaths are in sync, and our chests move up and down at the same pace. I wonder if our hearts beat the same too. He kisses my shoulder. Then, he takes his arms away.
I roll over and watch him get out of bed. When he turns on the lights, he covers his face and jumps back into bed on top of me. Giggles bounce around the room, as he tries to tickle me. I scream for him to stop while also laughing like a maniac. Finally, he gets out of bed again and smiles at me, pretending to look innocent. I roll my eyes at him.
“Ready for today?” I ask. He shrugs.
“Ready as I’ll ever be. I’m gonna go shower,” Dane says, grabbing a pile of clothes from off his dresser.
“Ok.” I watch him turn the corner towards the bathroom and hear the bathroom door close and lock. I sit in his bed for a few more minutes but finally decide to head upstairs and wait for him there. I’m greeted by his mom in the living room. She smiles sympathetically.
“How are you doing?” She asks. Her eyes tell me that she cares a lot about my answer, and I give her the best smile I can muster up.
“I’m okay,” I say.
“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep. Too nervous and thinking about too much, you know.”
“Yeah…”
“Well, where is our military man?” Pam asks. Ethan still sits at the kitchen table, but now, he watches something on TV too. He looks at us but doesn't say anything.
“He’s getting ready downstairs. I just woke him up,” I say.
“Okay, great. Well, I think there are a couple things we could do today. We could stay in and play some board games. We could go to some antique stores. We could even go out on the lake. It’s really beautiful out today,” Pam says.
“I think Dane wants to go on the lake,” I say.
“Oh, perfect! That will be great. Do you have a swimsuit?”
“Yep, in my car.”
“Okay, perfect.” She smiles, but I can tell she’s as sad as I am.
When Dane comes upstairs after his shower, he confirms our plans, and everyone changes into swimsuits to head out to the lake.
We spend the day floating in the water, and Dane water skis a few times across the lake. We play rummy, tell stories, laugh, and hide the anxiety we feel inside pretty well.
Soon, the time comes for us to head back and get ready to leave to drop Dane off at his hotel. The Air Force trainees all stay in the same hotel the night before their departure, so that they can be easily tracked and transported when the time comes. It seems impersonal, but it’s a requirement.
We drive back to the house, and Dane holds my hand the whole time. I’m holding on for dear life.
Then, the rest of the afternoon goes by in
slow motion. We change back into regular clothes, and Dane grabs the one bag of clothes that he gets to take with him to Texas.
Ethan drives us to Dane’s hotel. It’s rush hour, so it takes longer than expected. Dane squeezes my hand in the car, and I squeeze back. Pam plays Christian music.
The hotel is taller than all the buildings around it. I’ve never seen it before. We walk wearily inside. The lobby is spacious and filled with nice furniture and plants. Dane speaks to the front desk receptionist, and she tells him to follow her. But we can’t come. I swallow hard.
“I’ll be right back,” Dane says. He looks into my eyes and then walks away.
The Suttons and I wander through the lobby and find seats near a wall. We don’t say anything to each other, so I play with a string coming from my shorts.
After ten minutes, Dane finally comes walking down the hallway towards us, and the rest of us jump up to meet him in the middle.
“I still have some time to hangout but not much. We can go out here,” Dane says, pointing to a grassy area outside. We follow him through a glass door and find a small patio and sitting area. There’s also a pretty large fountain and different flags blowing in the wind. I don’t know what they are, except for the United States flag.
Pam asks to take photos of Dane again, and he obliges. Everyone takes photos with him, and then we sit down on two benches across from each other. The silence makes my skin crawl. Dane reaches for my hand.
“I’m going to go talk to Penelope for a minute,” Dane says. He stands up, bringing me up with him, and I look around at everyone, obviously confused. They nod like it’s no big deal that I’m taking away some of the time they could be spending with him.
Dane leads me away from his family and towards the back of the outdoor enclosure. We find another bench back there and sit down. I’m instantly filled with anxiety.
My body erupts like ten million pens are pricking my skin, and goosebumps form on my arms. I wrap my arms around each other and squeeze tight. I know what’s coming, but I don’t know how to handle it.
Dane starts talking, but I don’t hear anything. I start to sweat, and nausea rushes over me. I feel like I’m going to puke, and I don’t even know why.
Dane is still talking. He pulls out a little black box, and I close my eyes tight. I breathe so loudly through my nose, and I know Dane must be getting annoyed. But my body is fighting me.
“It’s a promise ring,” I hear. I open my eyes and see a ring sitting inside the box. I swallow loud. The ring is tiny, small enough to actually fit my finger, and it has three blue sapphires in the middle surrounded by diamonds. I look at Dane, and his eyes are filled with his own anxiety. He hides it much better than me.
I’m afraid if I open my mouth, I might puke, so I keep it glued shut. But Dane takes the ring out of the box and slides it onto my ring finger anyways. I force myself to breathe slowly and deeply, and I feel like such a fool for having a panic attack in the middle of him trying to be romantic.
“Promise of what?” I manage to say through gritted teeth. I look at Dane again. His face is filled with lines of stress. This is obviously not how he expected this to go down. Well, obviously I was unprepared for all these emotions.
“To come home… to Indiana.. and to you, of course.”
I swallow again, my throat and mouth feeling dry. But Dane and I make eye contact, and I force a smile. I close my eyes again and lean my head back. It touches the wall behind us, and I shake my head. A laugh escapes me. My body is calming down, but my emotions are wack.
“I’m so sorry that just happened,” I say with my eyes still closed. I start to tear up now, and my face must show I’m getting upset.
“Hey, look at me,” Dane says. His hand touches my chin and moves my face to look at him. I open my eyes, and they’re full of tears.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do without you,” I say and start crying immediately. My cries are quiet but full of pain, and Dane holds his hand on my back again. Then, he reaches for the hand with the new ring on it, and he brings it close to his face. This forces me to stop crying and watch him. He tilts my hand back and forth, admiring the ring, and then he places my hand back in my lap. We look at each other, and I wipe my tears away.
“You’re going to be okay,” Dane says. I nod. “Do you like the ring?” I take a real look at it now, tilting my hand like he did to see all the angles. I smile lightly and nod again.
“It’s perfect.”
“Are you ready to go back over to my family?” Dane asks.
I nod, although I’m not sure I am, and finish wiping away all my tears. I’m sure my face is blotchy, and my eyes are red. But there’s no use in pretending I’m perfectly fine when I’m obviously not.
Dane takes my hand and helps me stand. He wraps his arms around me, so I hug him back tightly, gripping onto his shirt. We stand there, and I listen to his heart beating fast through his chest. Eventually, he steps away but keeps his arms on my shoulders.
“I love you so much,” he says.
“I love you so much too.”
He kisses me. It’s too short.
We walk hand in hand back to his family, and they greet us with big smiles. Apparently, they already knew this was going to happen, so they’re dying to see the ring when we come back. Mostly, Pam is. I show it to her, leaving out the fact that I just had a panic attack.
We only stay with Dane for ten more minutes, and the conversation is slow and uncomfortable. Maybe we’re all pretending. Then, Dane has to go back inside, so we walk in with him.
We each give him a hug, and he gives me another kiss. Then, he walks away. And we walk out of the hotel. Pam cries. I don’t.
✦✦✦
The next day, I wake up early again, and the Suttons pick me up from my house to meet Dane at the Military Entrance Processing Station. We sit in the lobby for hours and only get to see him for a few minutes when he swears in to the Air Force for the last time. I’m feeling okay.
Dane gets on a bus with all the other trainees, and the Suttons and I run back to Ethan’s car in order to drive and meet Dane at the airport. Some families say goodbye inside MEPS. Other families are going to the airport like us. There’s a lot of crying and anxious conversations. Strangers try to comfort each other as their children board the bus and disappear out of view. For some of them, this is the last time they will see their child for eight weeks. For others, this is the last time for a year or maybe even four years. It’s hard to know.
We get to the airport before the bus does, but we go ahead inside. It’s the first time I’ve ever been inside the Indianapolis Airport, and it’s huge. I wonder how we’ll ever find Dane.
But not even ten minutes later, Dane comes walking through the same door we walked through, and a bunch of other trainees walk in around him. Most of them don’t talk to each other. They’re probably filled with fear or excitement or both.
Dane checks in and gets us passes to walk through security and sit with him in the terminal. So we get through security and find ourselves with an hour to kill. That hour is filled with silence. We sit in chairs around each other but can’t find the words to speak. I have a death grip on Dane’s hand the whole time.
I check my phone every few minutes, anticipating the moment he has to leave, and now, the anxiety rushes up inside me. I breathe through it.
After what feels like an eternity and also only a second, someone announces that Dane’s flight is ready for boarding. He smiles nervously and stands up.
“Already?” Pam asks. She stands too. We all do. The other trainees walk over to the flight attendant and start boarding. We’re the only family left who has to say goodbye.
Tears fill my eyes, and a big lump forms in my throat. The room shrinks, and it’s only Dane and us.
He takes turns hugging his brother, dad, and mom slowly. His mom starts to cry when he says he loves her. They all tell each other they love each other. Then, he looks at me. I instantly break down in tears.
He frowns and wraps me in a hug, and his chin lays on my head.
I listen to his heart beat for the last time in what will be a long time, and it’s beating fast. He smells like sweat and his deodorant. He takes a step back, and I’m ugly crying again. I’m so embarrassed, but Dane doesn't seem to mind the snot and tears running down my face. He takes his grey cap off and places it into my head. Then, he leans down and kisses me. It makes me cry more, but I kiss him back harder. Then, he steps back again.
“I love you so much.”
“I love you too,” I say through tears. I sniff and wipe away snot and tears, and I wish I could be stronger than this. For him. But no ounce of me is strong enough to stop myself from crying.
Dane’s eyes are shiny, and I think he may cry too. But instead, he smiles and says goodbye. My tunnel vision watches his every step until he reaches the desk in front of his flight. The attendant checks his plane ticket and ID and waves him through. He doesn't look back. He’s gone, and my heart breaks into a million pieces.
CHAPTER 12
I got my first letter. I’d love to come over and show it to you.
The text goes to Pam Sutton. She texts back almost immediately.
YES! Come over! I haven’t gotten one yet, but maybe it’s in the mail. I won’t check until you get here. We can go out on the lake too if you’d like.
So I put on a swimsuit under my clothes and drive to Trafalgar. As soon as I get there, it’s all hugs and sympathetic looks.
“How are you doing?” Pam asks. Dane’s mom has basically turned into my second mom. Her and I are suffering the most from Dane’s departure, so we’re growing closer. We’ve already shared a lot of tears and a lot of prayers.
“I’m doing okay. The letter made me happy and sad at the same time,” I say.
“I understand,” Pam says, “Well, are you ready to go? I haven’t checked the mail yet.”
“Sure.” Pam grabs her purse and a bag full of snacks, and we head out to her car. We drive to her mailbox, which is grouped with a bunch of her neighbors’ mailboxes, and when she opens it, it’s empty. Her face falls.
Love Lasts Page 13