Love Lasts

by Savannah Totten

  “Well, at least we have your letters to read,” she says with a smile. I try to smile too. She closes the lid of the mailbox, and as we start to drive away, miraculously, the mail truck starts driving towards us.

  Pam shouts and waves for the mail lady to stop, so we pull up next to her with an open window.

  “Good morning! You are a beautiful sight,” Pam says. The lady looks confused but smiles.

  “Good morning. Would you like your mail?” The mail lady asks.

  “Yes, please.” Pam tells the mail lady her address, and a few seconds later, a stack of mail is handed through the open window. Pam quickly thumbs through it, and a smile erupts onto her face. She cheeses ear to ear, as she holds up a letter from Dane.

  “Yay!”

  “Oh, thank you so much,” Pam turns back to the mail lady, “You are a Godsend. You’re a blessing, and you just made my day. Thank you so much.” The mail lady doesn't seem to know how to react.

  “My pleasure, ma’am. You have a good day,” the mail lady says and drives away.

  “Oh, I should make her some cookies,” Pam says and stares at Dane’s letter in her hands like it’s her most prized possession. At this point, it may actually be.

  “I’m so happy you got a letter,” I say.

  “Oh, me too.” She can’t stop smiling. Then, she looks at me. “I’m so happy you’re here with me. Let’s go open it together on the lake. Okay?”

  Pam finally puts the car back in drive and drives to where her pontoon boat is docked. We carry all our things to the boat, untie the ropes, and push ourselves away from the docks. Pam drives us slowly, but the wind still pushes my hair behind me. The sun reflects off the water, and all of it glistens. It’s peaceful and beautiful, and for the first time in almost a week, I genuinely smile. I breathe in deeply and close my eyes, while the sun warms my skin.

  When we finally anchor down somewhere, we sit down and open our letters. I read first.

  “Penelope, this past week has pushed and molded me into a better person. I’ve gotten little sleep, plenty of food, and an abundance of knowledge. I’m keeping busy with marching, eating, going to classes, appointments, physical training, and a variety of other things. I’ve constantly been thinking about you and reminiscing memories and adventures. I hope your summer has been packed with adventures, and you’re laughing and smiling more than you’re crying. The thought of you is pushing me to give my all...” I keep reading, and when we get to the end, we’re both emotional.

  Pam sniffs and wipes under her eyes. Then, she smiles and starts to read the letter she got. They’re similar but not the same. I can tell he misses us both but in very different ways.

  When she finishes reading, we smile at each other, and then she lifts her arms and moves towards me. We hug, and I know that we’re in this together.

  ✦✦✦

  “Has the mailman come yet?” I ask anyone who’s listening. My siblings shake their heads, but their eyes stay glued to the video games they’re playing. I roll my eyes and shake my head at them. “Great, thanks.”

  It’s 11:30, so he could’ve come already. I step outside with bare feet and walk to the mailbox. The sidewalk is hot against my feet, and the sun shines bright. It’s a beautiful day to be outside.

  My body tingles with anticipation, as I open the lid of the mailbox. It’s empty. My heart aches, and I head back inside. I go to my bedroom and lay in bed until five o’clock when I have to get ready for work. The days repeat themselves.

  ✦✦✦

  Pam invites me to lunch, so I meet her at Pizza King. We order our food, and she pulls out two books from her purse. One of them is gigantic with a brown leather cover, and the other is a smaller paperback book.

  “It’s a study Bible. I thought since you didn’t have one that this could be your first one. My gift to you,” she says and hands over the Bible. It’s heavy in my hands, and I stare at it.

  “This one is a book I read a long time ago that really helped me understand the basics of Christianity. I thought this would help too,” Pam says and hands over the other book. It’s much smaller, titled Your Purpose Driven Life.

  “No pressure,” she says with a smile. I smile too.

  “Thank you.” I place them next to me and take a bit of my pizza, so I don’t have to say anything else. The gifts are unexpected, and I don’t quite know how I feel about it. Although, I have attended church with Pam nearly every weekend since Dane left for Texas, I’m still not sold on this Christianity thing.

  Church does keep bringing up more questions, though, so maybe these two books will be able to answer them for me. I will at least give them a try.

  ✦✦✦

  On the day Dane and I should be celebrating five months of being together, I write him a letter, telling him I wish we could spend the day together, and I send it out. I know it won’t get to him for a few days, but it’s the best I can do. My heart aches from missing him. We should be together today.

  My body lacks the energy to do anything productive. I want nothing more than to sleep the day away since I can’t be with Dane, but instead, I have to go to work. My coworkers attempt to cheer me up, but I think they’re getting annoyed with me. I mope around all too much, and even I know it.

  When I get off work, I drive home in silence. My thoughts race, making my self-pity only grow. I feel so alone and so sad. I hold in the tears while I’m driving and expect to get home, go upstairs, and finally let them flow. But when I get home and step inside, Dad greets me with a smile.

  “I think you might’ve gotten something from Dane,” he says and looks towards the kitchen table. I turn to look and find something wrapped up in plastic sitting on the table. I walk to it and begin to unwrap the plastic, revealing a large vase of beautiful yellow roses. I’m immediately overwhelmed with emotion. A little card sticks out of the middle of the bundle of roses, so I pull it out and open it.

  It says, “I know I can’t be there right now, but I wish I could. You’ll be getting flowers every so often just so you remember how much I love you. Today marks 5 months (Today’s June 11th), but when you get this, it’ll be our 5 months. I miss you now, and I’ll miss you then. Also I love you. -Dane.” My eyes well up with tears, and I smile. I don’t know whether to be happy or sad, but all I know is that I’m overwhelmed.

  Dad watches me, and when I look at him, he smiles and walks away into the living room. I take the vase of flowers and the card upstairs to my room.

  ✦✦✦

  A few weeks go by, and I receive another vase of flowers colored red, white, and blue for Independence day. Every other day blurs together. I work when I have to and spend the rest of my time at home. The summer I dreamed of having with Dane has turned into one filled with sadness, and I’m only waiting for it all to end.

  ✦✦✦

  One day, I wake up and write another letter to Dane. I don’t know how many I’ve written in total, but all I know is that he's not going to run out of things to read. I fold the letter up and put it into an envelope. His address, which at first was long and difficult to remember, is now memorized, and I write it with ease. I place a stamp on the upper right hand corner and walk downstairs.

  When I open the front door and step outside, my body freezes. My heart drops, and I stare with confusion. My body fills with anxiety, as I cautiously walk towards the place where my mailbox is supposed to be. Instead, what I see is the bottom half sticking out of the ground, and the top half thrown into the side of our yard.

  I look around, but I don’t know what I’m looking for. My eyes fill with tears, and I run inside. I find Mom in the laundry room.

  “What happened to the mailbox?” I ask. She looks at me nervously.

  “I don’t know. We found it like that this morning. Someone must have hit it and run,” she says. My mind races, and I’m feeling frantic. I grip my hands together over and over again, wrinkling the letter still in my hands.

  “How am I supposed to send my letters to Dane?�
�� I ask. Mom shakes her head.

  “We’ll have to get another mailbox, but it’s expensive. So I don’t know when.”

  “But how am I going to get the letters Dane sends me? I need to be able to get his letters,” I say, wide-eyed.

  “We’ll figure it out. Okay?” I shake my head and storm out of the room. I stomp my way upstairs, throw the crumpled letter onto my bed, and lock myself in the bathroom.

  My heart races, and my breathing is rapid and irregular. I shake my head continuously and slump to the ground with my back to the wall. I wrap my arms around my knees and squeeze them to my chest. Everything hurts.

  I begin to bawl uncontrollably, as I realize that I’m not going to get any communication from Dane until we get a new mailbox. And Dane can’t get anymore of my letters because we don’t have a mailbox. My thoughts spiral, and all I can think is “Why me?” over and over again. I stay there for so long that my body goes numb along with my mind. I stop crying and only stare straight ahead. I don’t know how long I stay there.

  When I finally get up, my butt hurts, and my knees pop. I walk out of the bathroom and climb straight into bed. I don’t know how long I sleep.

  When Mom wakes me up, she sits on the side of my bed.

  “We’re going to make a temporary mailbox until we can afford to buy a replacement. Until then, you’ll have to keep an eye out for when the mailman comes and run outside to get the mail or send your letters. Okay? It’s all going to be okay,” Mom says. My mind is slow to process the information, but I eventually nod. She tells me dinner is ready, so I follow her downstairs. I feel empty.

  ✦✦✦

  It’s week six of Dane’s basic military training. He gets to call me this week. But I have no idea when, so I turn my phone’s sound on permanently and carry it everywhere I go.

  Anytime it so much as dings, my heart jumps, and I’m frantic to pull it out and see if it’s Dane. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom because he could call in the middle of me showering, and I wouldn’t be able to hear it. When I drive, I’m constantly looking for a place in front of me where I would be able to pull over immediately if Dane were to call in that instant. When I’m at work, I’m forced to turn my phone on vibrate, and I’m not even supposed to have it with me. But I keep it in my back pocket anyways, and if I feel a single vibration, I will stop what I’m doing and go to the back to check it. My managers are losing their patience with me; I can tell.

  I’m working this morning, and I’m so sidetracked. My manager, Chandler, watches me closely. I told her this morning that Dane could call, and she said it would be fine if I took it. But her tone told me otherwise. I’ve told my parents that I would take Dane’s call, even if it meant me getting fired. I can always get another job, but I only get this one call from Dane.

  The flow of customers is slow, and I don’t know whether to be grateful or not. On one hand, it won’t be a problem for me to leave, but on the other hand, all I can think about is Dane calling.

  A set of movies start, and we start to get a steady flow of customers. A lady walks up with her child, and she asks for a large popcorn and a large drink. I type it into the screen and then freeze, as I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. My heart begins to race, and I touch my coworker on the arm.

  “Can you please help her when you’re done?” I ask. I don’t even wait for a response. I fast walk away from the register and to the back. I pull out my phone, and it’s an unknown number from Texas. I pick up, and my heart is in my throat.

  “Hello?” I say.

  “Hi. Penelope?” Dane says. My heart aches, and I’m instantly filled with emotion. My hand unconsciously moves to be placed over my heart, and I sit down on the dirty floor.

  “Hi,” I say. My voice cracks, and he hears it.

  “Aw, are you crying? Don’t cry,” Dane says, which makes me start crying.

  “No, I’m not crying,” I say while wiping my tears with my free hand. “How are you?”

  “I’m doing pretty good,” he says. My body aches on the inside. He’s okay. Why am I not okay? “How are you?”

  “I’m okay,” I lie.

  “Well, I don’t have long. I’m calling you before I call my mom, but I just wanted to tell you that I miss you and I love you so much. How’s your summer been so far?” I continue crying, but I close my eyes.

  “It’s been okay. I miss you so much and love you too,” I say. My free hand grips onto my shirt. I’m sweating, and my body feels ignited with anxiety.

  “Well, I’m doing pretty good here. The first few weeks were hard, but I’m getting better. I can’t wait for you to come to Texas. It’s hot,” Dane says. I nod, even though he can’t see me. I open my eyes when I hear something drop, and I see Chandler pick up a stack of paper towels off the floor. She locks eyes with me and then walks away.

  “Yeah, I can’t wait to see you,” I say. I choke up and can’t control my crying anymore. A sob breaks through, and I cover my mouth.

  “What’s wrong?” Dane asks.

  “Nothing. It’s okay,” I lie.

  “Okay,” he says. My heart breaks. “Well, I’m going to call my mom now. I love you so much. I’ll try to call again, but if I don’t, I’ll still write you letters. I love you.”

  “I love you too,” I say. Tears stream down my face, and I don’t hang up. He doesn't either for a couple seconds.

  “Bye,” he says and hangs up. I turn my phone off and sit it on the floor, and I lean my head against the wall, trying to breathe through the deep sadness that’s filling my entire body. My body shakes. I hear footsteps and look to see Chandler again.

  “Hey, you can go home if you want,” she says. Tears still fall down my cheeks, and I can’t even imagine what she thinks of me right now. Everything hurts, and I just want it to go away. I nod.

  “Okay, I will,” I say. She walks away again, and I force myself to stand up. I walk over to the computer and clock out, take my hat and apron off, grab my keys and purse, and walk straight out the front doors without looking or saying anything to anyone.

  When I get home and see my parents, they’re confused as to why I’m home early, and I start bawling immediately. Mom gives me a hug, and they listen to me try to explain why I’m so upset.

  “No, he’s fine. It just hurts.”

  I go to bed and cry myself to sleep.

  ✦✦✦

  Kevin starts to pack his things at the end of July. He’s going to Butler for college, and he’ll be staying in a dorm. He seems excited, but I bet he’s nervous too. It’s going to be different without him here. I won’t be working with him at the movie theater anymore. Everyone is leaving.

  ✦✦✦

  I get my last letter from Dane at the end of July too.

  It says, “Hello Love, 6 weeks have flown by. I miss you greatly. I know you’ve been having a hard time. This phase of ‘I want him now, here, with me’ was the phase I went through 3rd week. One thing that helps is forward thinking, looking forward to graduation, tapping me out, the future of us, and only looking back on the memories for a brief moment. I’m excited for future us. Could you imagine traveling like the Cleopatra Lumineers album? Getting a small house we could make our own and finally getting a fish only to kill it off a day later? Lol.

  Talking to countless married guys, they say marriage is amazing. Marrying their best friend is the best decision of their life. Some advise against getting married young, but they say when you know, you know. And since the first time we met to our first couple dates, not only did I know you were different, I knew you were exactly what I wanted and needed, what I want and need, and what I’ll continue to want and need. No matter the distance, no matter the time apart, the setbacks, the unknowns, the hard decisions, arguments, or rainy days… I will always want and love you. Penelope Freeman, I love you. Then, now, and forever. -Dane Sutton, your future Airman”.

  The card makes me cry, and then I feel empty.

  Mom and I are driving to Texas to see Dane’s BMT grad
uation in a week, and my mind keeps telling me I should be more excited. I should be jumping with joy. But all I feel is sadness and anxiety. What if I get there and he’s different? What if I’m different? What if he decides he doesn't want to be with me anymore? What if there’s someone else?

  I try to pray my way through these thoughts. I ask God why he’s allowing me to feel this way. I ask Him to help me, but all that does is make me cry. Nothing will make these thoughts go away except sleeping, so that’s exactly what I do.

  I sleep until morning and wake up with the same loneliness aching inside me. And the cycle repeats itself over and over again.

  CHAPTER 13

  Senior year starts on Thursday, July 27th. It should be illegal to start school before August, and it should especially be illegal to start school before 7 am. I start school at 6:55 am.

  So I wake up at 5:50 am to the alarm on my phone and wander into my brothers’ room to make sure Keagan is awake. Normally, Kevin would wake him up, but since he graduated, now it’s my job. I nudge him awake and tell him it’s time to get up. He groans but sits up, so I head back to my own room and start to get ready for my last first day of high school.

  It’s weird going back to school and pretending I didn’t ghost all my friends all summer, but I’m also excited. I’m hoping my classes and classmates will help me to keep my mind off of Dane. I’m sure all my supposed friends will have plenty of summer gossip to share with me, since they only decide to talk to me at school too. It’ll be an interesting first day back.

  My mission is clear: tell all my teachers that I’ll be out for most of the second week of school. Next Wednesday, I leave for Texas, which means I only have to get through four days of school. It seems like cheating because I get an extra dose of summer vacation, but I think I deserve it. My real summer was miserable.