Love Lasts

by Savannah Totten

  “Nothing. I’m just excited for tonight,” Dane says, smoothing over his shirt.

  “Me too,” I say, smiling. The conversation dwindles, and we sit in a bit of awkward silence until the waitress comes to take our order. Even after she leaves, there’s a certain tenseness in the air that I can’t quite pinpoint. The extreme talker, Dane, has turned into an awkward mute all of a sudden. I don’t say anything either though, and when our pizza comes, we eat in silence.

  Unlike most times we eat here, we don’t finish off the pizza, so Dane asks the waitress for a to-go box. He pays, puts the leftover pizza in the box, and looks at me with a smile.

  “Ready to go?” He asks.

  I nod and follow him outside. It’s surprisingly bright outside for the winter time, but the cold is almost unbearable. We hurry back to the car, and Dane cranks the heat up.

  “I’m going to look up where the celebration is,” Dane says, pulling out his phone. I look out the window for a few minutes, but the streets are pretty empty. It’s too cold for people to be walking around. So I face Dane and see that his face has become serious.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask.

  “The celebration might be cancelled because it’s supposed to get below 0 degrees tonight,” Dane says, scrolling and typing furiously.

  “Seriously? What are we going to do then?” I ask. Dane ignores me, still searching for some unknown information. I watch him shift in his seat, and he rubs the back of his neck with one hand, still scrolling on his phone with the other.

  “Okay, it’s not cancelled completely. It’s changed locations, and it’s not going to start until 10pm,” Dane says. I check the time on my phone, and it’s only 5:30.

  “Well, then we’ve got some time to kill,” I say.

  “Yeah.” Dane puts the car into drive and pulls out of the parking lot. He drives until he finds a spot within walking distance of the celebration, and we get out and walk in the opposite direction towards Monument Circle.

  “Want to get some coffee?” Dane asks. I nod, my teeth already starting to chatter from the cold. Dane tries to get me to hold his hand, but I shake my head.

  “It’s too cold!” I say, keeping my gloved hands in my pockets. He makes a sad face, so I roll my eyes and take his hand. We walk to Starbucks, and the wind bites at my cheeks. Dane’s long legs always force me to walk fast in order to keep up with him, so my eyes start to water from the winding hitting my face so harshly.

  We finally get to Starbucks, and my whole body shivers once before adjusting to the heat inside. We order coffee and sit on tall bar stools near the window, watching people walk quickly in each direction, covered with coats, hats, scarves, and gloves. We sit there, scrolling through our phones and talking about nothing in particular until it’s six p.m., and then we walk a few buildings down to Rocket Fizz.

  We wander around the store for a while, mostly trying to kill time, and end up not buying anything. So we finally head back outside into the cold towards the location of the New Year’s Eve celebration.

  As we’re walking, I start to notice a lot of different people. Drunk people stagger slightly down the road, talk way too loud, and laugh hysterically when they trip or drop something on the ground. A group of girls walk on the other side of the street only half-dressed, wearing high heels and short dresses with makeup and their hair done. I know I shouldn’t judge them, but they’re probably going to get hypothermia with that little clothing on. Then, there are a few other couples, holding hands and walking only inches apart like Dane and I. Everyone heads in the same direction like we’re a part of some rally or something.

  As we get closer to the celebration, the crowds of people thicken. Surprisingly, a lot of people are still out tonight despite the cold. My hand grips tightly to Dane’s, as strangers walk all around us. A few long lines form behind a line of gates, and people who must be security pat each person down before letting them through the gates. Past that, another crowd of people dance around a stage, and behind the stage stands a tall structure holding an Indy race car, which will drop tonight like the New York ball.

  Dane and I enter separate lines according to gender, but we watch each other closely, making sure we don’t lose sight. We reach the front of the line surprisingly quickly and around the same time, and the security people pat us down and let us through. I quickly grab Dane’s hand on the other side, staying close to him, as I watch a lot of sketchy looking men walk around me.

  We inch our way to the middle of the crowd that already formed in front of the stage, and I look at Dane and smile. He smiles back, but I watch him bounce up and down on the balls of his feet. My teeth chatter obnoxiously, and the scent of weed whiffs past me. I scrunch my nose, looking around, and I spot police officers to my right. My shoulders shake, and I do my best not to stifle my nerves.

  I’m such a sheltered person that just the sight of police officers, drunk people, and the scent of illegal marijuana makes me want to crawl into my skin. I breathe heavy and watch people around me dance in place, as music play over huge speakers. Dane wraps his arm around my shoulder, squeezing tightly, and then lets go.

  My eyes water from the cold again. And I sniff over and over again, as my nose starts running too. Dane looks at me with worried eyes, and he probably thinks I’m having a miserable time. My nose and cheeks are probably bright red, and my whole body shivers from the cold. He taps me on the shoulder and says something, but I can’t hear over the loud music.

  “Do you want to go inside somewhere for a while?” He yells into my ear, and I nod quickly. He takes my hand and leads me through the growing crowd towards where we first entered. I follow close to him, and we leave the crowd, following a few other people into the nearest building. To my surprise, it’s the mall, which I don’t recognize until I’m really looking around. I didn’t realize malls stayed open this late, but it’s likely only for this special occasion.

  Dozens of people stand inside the unheated building, some with blankets and other shivering next to their group of friends. I guess we all had the same idea, though: staying inside for a few hours away from the bitter wind will at least keep us from getting extremely sick. I honestly feel bad for all the people who decided to stay out in the cold for hours because it’s nearing zero degrees at this point, and it’s not even eight o’clock yet.

  Dane and I find an empty bench and sit closely together, trying to find warmth in each other. I do little to offer any body heat because I’m so small, but I rub his hands between my gloved hands to try and help a little.

  Dane gets on his phone for awhile, and I mostly people-watch. It’s always weird to me that there are so many people who live in the same city as me who I don’t know and won’t ever know. I guess that’ll always be true.

  “Do you want to walk around? It might make us warmer,” Dane says.

  “Sure.”

  So we get up and start to walk around the empty mall. Some lights are on, but most aren’t. Walking through here when none of the stores are open is strange, but we pass dozens of people doing the exact same thing. Eventually, Dane and I wander through the whole mall and find another empty bench, farther inside the mall, to sit on.

  He pulls out his phone again and tries to find funny videos for us to watch to pass the time. I lean against him, and we sit there for a long time, ignoring the looks of people who walk past us and watching YouTube videos. Most of them are horrible and don’t make me laugh, but his effort is appreciated. And thankfully, time passes quicker.

  When 11pm arrives, we walk back towards the entrance of the mall and find that even more people have ventured indoors. Several girls in short dresses walk past us, shivering and looking extremely pale. A guy wearing a pair of sunglasses that say 2018 walks around in circles making jokes that no one can understand; he laughs loudly at himself and doesn’t seem to notice all the concerned stares coming his way.

  I look at Dane and smile. I wonder what he thinks of all of this. All I know is that this is a story I’ll h
ave fun telling when I’m old‒the New Year’s Eve we spent inside a mall with strangers.

  “I’m glad I’m here with you,” I say to Dane. His shoulders fall a little, and he lets out a sigh.

  “I’m glad I’m here with you too. You don’t think this is a total disaster?” He asks.

  “Oh no, it totally is a disaster,” I laugh, “But I’m still having fun.” Dane smiles.

  “Me too.”

  He squeezes my hand, and I squeeze back. We stand together on the side of a wall, watching strangers pass by, talk, stumble, and laugh for about 45 minutes. It seems all we did tonight was wait and wish time would go by faster. Finally, when it nears 11:50, people start to walk back outside into the cold air. It’s far below zero degrees with the wind chill, but Dane and I reluctantly follow the crowd outside anyways.

  The crowd inside the gate is much larger than how we left it, but luckily, there’s still room for more. Dane and I successfully pass through security once again, and he takes my hand, leading me through the crowd until we’re about halfway to the front. The music and people talking are deafening, but honestly, it’s amazing. I give a big smile to Dane, and we dance along to the music with everyone else. A few minutes later, a man comes on stage, and everyone cheers, even though I don’t recognize him as being someone notable.

  “Thank you all so much for coming out tonight,” he yells into the microphone, and people cheer again. “We didn’t expect this big of a show out, but you guys came through for us. Thank you so much for fighting the cold with us tonight and for making this possible. In a few minutes, we’re going to count down the new year together with some fireworks, so try to stay huddled together and warm for a little bit longer! Thank you!” The man walks off stage, and the crowd cheers again.

  Music begins playing again, and everybody starts moving in place. Despite the amount of people moving and breathing all over each other, the cold still feels incredibly numbing, and my body is already shivering again. A huge countdown clock on the stage starts at five minutes and begins counting backwards to zero, and Dane looks at me excitedly. He wraps his arms around me, and we sway in place to the music until the timer hits a minute. Then, he lets go and turns me to face him.

  “I need you to do something,” he yells, and I’m instantly confused.

  “What?”

  “Take your gloves off!” He yells, and I laugh.

  “No way!”

  “Yes, do it!” He says, and I squint at him.

  “Are you crazy?”

  “No, but please, just for a second,” Dane says, and I shake my head but do it anyway. I take my gloves off and shove them into my pockets, waving my hands at him like now what?

  At that moment, Dane reaches into his pocket, and as if in slow motion, I watch him get on one knee and pop the box open, revealing the beautiful and sparkling engagement ring we bought together back in August. My jaw drops, and I barely hear him ask, “Will you marry me?”

  My mind is suddenly blank, but I nod quickly and smile. As a few people around us notice what’s happening, they clap for us, and Dane slips the ring onto my left hand. When he stands, I wrap my arms around him, and he picks me up off the ground in a hug. My mind catches up to what’s happening, and my heart beats heavy like it’s being filled for the first time in a long time.

  Dane lets me down to the ground, and he kisses me quickly three times. But my lips are numb from the cold, so I barely feel them. It makes me laugh, and I feel a bit delirious.

  A moment later, the countdown clock hits zero, and people all around us cheer loudly when fireworks go off in the sky above us. A smile stays on each of our faces, as we watch the bright colors erupt in the sky. The noise from all around us explodes louder than we’ve heard all night. So this is what a New Year’s celebration is supposed to be like: an explosion of joy and laughter, a crowd of strangers smiling and dancing together like nothing divides us, and love covering the sky and air between each of us like it’s the only oxygen we ever really needed.

  I look at Dane, watching the fireworks that become bigger and brighter each time a new one goes off, and my heart feels so full. This is the man who changed my life, and the first day we met, I knew he was going to do it. I knew he was going to love me like no one ever has and more than anyone ever could, but now, it’s real. His bright hazel eyes will be the ones I get to look into every day for the rest of my life once we’re married. I’ll get to feel his arms around me each day and laugh at his jokes until we’re old and grey. Nothing else could ever be more right.

  I don’t put my left glove back on for the rest of the night, even though my hand is bright red and freezing from the cold. The ring seems too important to cover. After the fireworks, Dane and I hold hands and hurry back to the car, which is much farther away than we remember. And by the time we get back, we’re both too cold to even speak.

  Turning on the heat almost hurts before it starts to make me feel better, but after awhile of us driving back home, I start to warm up. A dumb smile stays on my face the whole time, but I’m suddenly exhausted. I rarely stay up this late. The loud music and excitement of the celebration must’ve given me an energy high, and now I’m crashing.

  Dane holds my left hand, which has the engagement ring on it, and everything feels perfect, though. When Dane gets to my house, we kiss for a long time and tell each other we love each other about a million times before I finally head inside.

  Dad is still up, playing video games downstairs, and I’m suddenly too nervous to tell him that I’m officially engaged. I run upstairs and hear Mom’s voice in my bedroom.

  “Hey, how was your night?” She asks when she sees me.

  “Good,” I say. Mom notices I’m being awkward and narrows her eyes at me.

  “What?” She asks. I hold out my hand, and when Mom sees the ring, her jaw drops.

  “Are you serious?” She asks. “Did you show your father?”

  “No,” I say.

  “Well, why not? Go show him!” Mom says, so I turn around and walk back downstairs. Dad notices me and raises his eyebrows.

  “What’s up?” He asks. I shift my weight between my feet but finally take a few steps closer to him.

  “Dane proposed.” I lift up my hand, revealing the ring, and Dad’s eyes widen.

  “Oh, wow. Why didn’t you tell me that when you first came inside, you dork?” Dad laughs. “Well, I kind of expected it anyway,” he says.

  “Really? I didn’t even expect it,” I say with a short laugh.

  “Yeah, well, he didn’t have a lot of other options if he wanted to do it before he leaves. But anyways, congratulations. I’m happy for you.” My eyes well up with tears, but I smile.

  “Thanks. Well, I’m going to bed. Good night,” I say.

  “Alright. Good night,” Dad says. He smiles and turns back to his video game, so I go back upstairs to see Mom sitting on my bed.

  “Now, that wasn’t too hard. Was it?” Mom says, and I shake my head. “Now let me see it again.” I walk over and hold out my hand to her.

  “This is really nice. Well, I guess congratulations are in order,” Mom says.

  “Yeah, thanks,” I say. I’m too tired to say much else.

  “Well, I’ll let you sleep, and we can talk about the rest in the morning. I love you,” Mom says. She stands and gives me a hug.

  “I love you too.” Mom lets go of me and walks to the door. I get in bed, as she turns off the light.

  “Good night,” Mom says.

  “Good night.”

  ✦✦✦

  “This time will be easier than last time,” Dane tells me, as I look deep into his eyes for the last time. It’s not the last time forever, but it sure feels like it. Dane’s flight to Spokane, Washington leaves in thirty minutes, and once he’s gone, I won’t see him for five more months.

  I look down at the sparkling ring on my hand that’s intertwined with his hand, and if nothing else, this ring reminds me what I have to look forward to. This is our nex
t step.

  “We’re going to be okay,” Dane says. I don’t know if he’s reassuring me or reassuring himself, but honestly, this time does feel easier than the first time he left. This time I know what to expect. I know it’s going to hurt worse than anything I’ve gone through, but I’ve mentally prepared myself for it over the last week since Dane proposed. I’ve prepared myself for this goodbye since he first arrived because I always knew it wasn’t going to last, and that makes it easier for me now.

  “We’ll be okay,” I say, making eye contact and giving him my most sincere smile. I want him to know I believe it. These two rings on my hands mean that he will come back to me, and when he does, we’ll get to spend the rest of our lives together without missing each other. That’s all I could ever want or ask for, and God has made it clear to me that this is what we’re supposed to do. I don’t know what I would do without that certainty. I would probably feel incredibly lost right now without God’s presence in my life.

  The flight attendant comes over the loudspeaker, announcing that Dane’s plane is now boarding. All military personnel and those needing extra assistance may board first. Dane stands, letting go of my hand, and his family and I stand up with him. Pam’s eyes are full of tears, but I know she’s holding them in for Dane’s sake. If we are strong, then he doesn’t have to worry about us.

  “Can I pray for you before you leave?” Pam asks, her eyes pleading. Dane says, “Of course,” so we all take hands and make a little circle in the middle of the airport. We drop our heads, and Pam begins to pray.

  “Thank you, Lord Jesus, for bringing Dane home to us for these past few weeks. We are incredibly thankful that we were able to spend this time together, and we pray that the next few months will go by quickly so we can be together again. We pray Dane’s flight goes smoothly, that he may arrive in Washington safely, and that you will provide the strength we all need. We pray in your name. Amen.”

  We all repeat the last “amen” and lift our heads. The tears in Pam’s eyes are barely holding on, and I could tell from the tremble in her voice that this is so hard for her. Surprisingly, my eyes are dry, but my heart beats fast in my chest.