Love Lasts

by Savannah Totten

  I have to try not to let her discourage me, though. So once I’m in AP Psychology with Allie, I ask her. She reacts the quickest with a high-pitched squeal.

  “Yes! Yes, please!” She says excitedly. She smiles from ear to ear, and that makes me happy. She’s supported me so much in the last year, as I struggled from being away from Dane.

  “Thank you,” I say.

  When I get home from school, I text Susan and ask her if she’ll be my bridesmaid, and she quickly answers with a “yes.” That means Courtney is the only one who didn’t answer, and I don’t understand why.

  When Mom gets home from work, I rant to her about it, and she sympathizes.

  “Who knows why she didn’t say anything. She’s probably jealous that you’re getting married or something,” Mom says.

  “Yeah.” After all this time, I should’ve expected this from Courtney, but nonetheless, it still hurts.

  The next day during math class, I mention the subject to Courtney again. She furrows her brow and looks at me sadly.

  “I don’t think I’m going to be able to do it. It’s just that I don’t have a lot of extra money right now, so I won’t be able to buy the things you need. And I have orientation at Purdue in the summer,” Courtney says. I try to control my face in order to not give my emotions away, but on the inside, I’m boiling.

  “When is orientation?” I ask.

  “Oh, I’m not sure. It’s around the same time as your wedding, so I don’t want to commit to this and not be able to give you my best and fullest attention. But don’t worry. I’ll totally be there to support you on your big day. I just won’t be able to be a bridesmaid.” I swallow all the anger building up inside me and nod.

  “Okay.”

  I go into AP Psych a few periods later, fuming, and I let it all out on the table in front of far too many people. I mean to vent to only Allie, but other people seem to be listening as well. I guess my wedding is too interesting not to eavesdrop.

  “She doesn't even deserve to go. She’s never been a good friend to you anyways,” Allie says.

  “Yeah, it just makes me so mad that she won’t even put her selfishness aside for one day to support me getting married. How immature is that?” I keep shaking my head over and over again. “I just don’t get it.”

  My friend Beth chimes in. “So who’s going to replace her?” I think about it for a second.

  “I don’t know yet.”

  Instinctually, I want to ask Beth to replace her, but I don’t know if that would be offensive for her to be my backup. I mull on it throughout the rest of the period, and at the end of class, I turn back to Beth.

  “Would you like to take Courtney’s spot, Beth?” I ask. She immediately starts beaming.

  “Really? I would love to,” she says.

  “Okay, perfect. I’m going to create a group chat with all of the bridal party, so we can start planning,” I say.

  “Sounds good. Thank you, Penelope.”

  “Yeah, of course.” I smile, and we walk out of class together towards our lockers. I let out a big sigh because it’s a relief to have that decision taken care of. Even if Courtney wanted to change her mind, now she can’t because Beth has officially taken her place. Like Allie said, she doesn't deserve it anyways.

  When I get home from school, I update Mom on what Courtney said and how I asked Beth to replace her spot.

  “Courtney will regret that decision, but I think you made the right choice. Beth is such a sweetheart, and she’ll be great,” Mom says.

  “I agree,” I say. There’s one less decision to make.

  ✦✦✦

  The days blur together. The same things run through my mind every day: how much I miss Dane, how much school work I have to do, how much wedding planning I have to do, and how much I need God’s help through all of this.

  I occasionally miss church because of how exhausted I am by all of this, but I make up for it by going to Bible study with Beth.

  “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God,” I read the first verse of the book of John very slowly and then look at Beth. She looks at me with the most confused look on her face.

  “I’m sorry. What?” She says, and we both laugh.

  “Yeah, I have no idea,” I admit. The big Bible I got from Pam all those months ago is the one I’m using now, and luckily for us, it’s a study Bible. I read the explanation of that verse to Beth, and we go back and forth trying to understand it.

  “Maybe if we keep reading, we’ll understand it a little better,” I suggest. Beth nods and begins to read verse two.

  We pause occasionally to make sure both of us understand what we’re reading. I take sips of coffee when Beth reads, and when she’s looking up explanations on Google, I look around Strange Brew at the new decorations and art pieces.

  This was one of Dane and I’s most favorite places to hang out, and I hadn’t been here since Dane left. But I figured what better place to bring Bible study, since Dane was the one who brought me to God in the first place. It seemed fitting, and I think Beth likes the place too. It’s quiet and cozy, and a little bit of caffeine helps the studying too.

  After three hours of racking our brains to understand the first few chapters of John, we cave. My mind is tired, but my heart feels full. Spending time with a good friend and growing closer to God together feels amazing, and it’s exactly what I needed to get my spirits up.

  “This was actually really fun,” I say. Beth smiles but continues packing her things into her backpack.

  “It was really fun. Let’s do it again next week. Okay?” She says.

  “Sounds perfect.” After we both stand and give each other a hug, we leave Strange Brew and head home.

  ✦✦✦

  How’s your research paper coming along? Dane texts me one day. I’ve kept him updated on most of the process, but I also haven’t wanted to bore him with the details. While this project will probably be my single most important accomplishment, Dane’s not one to care much about my boring school work.

  Amazing! I talked to Miss Brenning the other day about my paper, and she pointed out that most classic literature shows that man is evil. But in my paper, I’m trying to prove that Boromir can redeem himself from the evil nature he had. So if I can prove that Boromir isn’t innately evil, then I might be discovering something really profound! I type all that out and then read over it. Dane probably doesn't want to hear about it. So I delete the text and send something short and sweet.

  It’s going well. I’m excited to see how it turns out. I let out a sigh and pull out my computer, opening up the document of my paper. We will present our final projects in only a few months, and I wish Dane could be there to see how much hard work I put into this. I wish he could be proud of me, but I know he has his own life to worry about.

  I bet it’ll be amazing. He texts back.

  CHAPTER 21

  By the end of March, I’m running on fumes. Between school, work, wedding planning, and fighting with Dane all the time, I’m exhausted and ready for a break. Luckily, it is granted to me in the form of spring break. I spend the next two weeks working four days a week, planning my wedding, and starting senior photo shoots.

  But Dane I keep fighting. Since he left for Washington, my insecurities have come back swinging. I don’t know if I’m depressed or suffering from bad anxiety, but all I know is I overthink and worry about everything. I worry about whose photos he likes on Instagram, who he’s hanging out with, and where he’s at, even though he’s a million miles away. It’s ruining us.

  We don’t call anymore. We don’t FaceTime. It’s only texting and Snapchat, and I hate it. Everything is misconstrued over text, and he can’t see how much pain I’m in when we’re fighting through text messages. It’s getting bad, but I pray every day that God will help us through this. I pray He’ll help me to keep my sanity and not to start fights. I pray He’ll help Dane to still love me after all this. That’s all I can hope for.
>
  ✦✦✦

  My bridesmaids are meeting me at David’s Bridal for my first wedding dress shopping experience in ten minutes, so Mom, Jessica, and I wait inside for them to arrive.

  “Are you excited?” Mom asks. I shrug, looking around at all the white dresses.

  “I guess so.” The store is full of employees and women shopping for dresses, and with four more on the way, the shop is going to be crowded.

  The girls start to arrive a few minutes later, and each time another arrives, the excitement builds. My cousin, Susan, is the most quiet, and I feel bad because the rest of my bridesmaids go to my school and know each other. I try not to worry about it, though.

  “Is your whole party here?” One of the employees asks. I nod, and she leads us to the section of wedding dresses that are most likely to fit me. Still, there aren’t many options. Since last summer, I’ve seemed to lose even more weight than usual, hovering around ninety pounds. Luckily, no one mentions it, and everyone begins to search through rows for dresses to pull out.

  “I’m here to help. Tell me what to do, what to look for, or what you don’t like. I can hold anything for you, take pictures, or whatever you need,” Peyton says.

  “Thank you. For now, I need to find a good variety of dresses to choose from, so find anything that’s cute and small,” I tell her. She smiles and jokingly salutes me before walking towards a row of dresses. All the other bridesmaids look through different rows, while Jessica holds my phone and records a video per my request.

  The longer we search, the happier I become. Allie pulls out an ugly sequin dress and twirls around with it in front of her, making all of us laugh like mad women. Peyton makes jokes the whole time to lighten the bit of stress I feel, and after half an hour, I have a stack of twelve dresses to try on.

  The process of trying them on is slow. Mom helps me get into most of them, and then an employee puts giant clips on the sides of the dress to make it appear to fit me. None of them fit, though. They’re all too big and too long, but I continue trying them on one by one. Finally, I put on a dress that is a shade between white and pink, and as soon as I see myself in the mirror, I know it’s the one.

  All the girls smile, and Peyton takes photos from every angle. They tell me it looks beautiful, and I tell Mom it’s the one.

  ✦✦✦

  Since the dance competition last year, Allie and I have stayed really connected. She helped me through a lot of fights with Dane, and I’ve helped her through her relationship too. Some of the things we’ve admitted to each other are things neither of us have told anyone else, and for that, we are like sisters.

  Do you want to come over tonight? We can rant about boys, eat junk food, and play the Wii. Allie texts me. I’m currently snuggled comfortably in my bed with my computer on my lap, working on my research paper. But I know I need a break. I need some fun, really, so I text her back and force myself out of bed to get ready.

  It only takes twenty minutes to get to her family’s apartment, and Allie greets me with a hug at the front door.

  “It’s been a rough day,” Allie says. Her eyes are red, but it doesn't keep her from looking any less beautiful. I keep telling her that any guy would be lucky to have her as his girlfriend, but she seems to be stuck on this one guy who can’t stop hurting her.

  “What did he do this time?” I ask. She tells me, and halfway through, she begins to cry. I sympathize. We’re both hurting, and that’s why our friendship is so important right now.

  “How did you get so lucky with Dane?” She asks me, as she wipes away tears. I shake my head. Lately, I’m struggling to see how I am lucky. I used to feel like the luckiest girl in the world because I was Dane’s girlfriend. I was his princess, and he was my world. Now, the distance has almost turned us into strangers.

  “I don’t know,” I say, “But it’s different for everyone. I know you want to find your true love today and be with him for the rest of your life, but that’s not always how it works. Some people don’t find their true love until they’re thirty or fifty or eighty. I don’t think that will be you, but I’m just saying. You have time.” Allie wipes away more tears and nods. She smiles at me.

  “You always know exactly what to say,” she says.

  “It’s a gift,” I say, shrugging, “But hey, I’m always going to be here for you.” Allie nods.

  “I know.”

  ✦✦✦

  On April 12th, I wake up to Mom telling me happy birthday. I’m finally eighteen. I never really thought I would make it to eighteen when I was a kid; it felt like time was going so slow back then. But I made it, and now I can legally marry Dane.

  We don’t do much to celebrate. I’m not really in the mood.

  ✦✦✦

  Two weeks later, I miss my senior prom. It was yesterday, but it’s okay that I missed it. I stayed at home with my family, and we watched movies. And I thought about Dane because he’s the only one I wanted to go with. I’m thinking of him today too.

  We both feel hurt. He hasn’t texted me back today. He said he needed to do some thinking, and it made me cry myself to sleep because I worry it means the worst. I worry he’s second guessing staying with me and proposing to me. We already spent all the money for the wedding, and I missed the deadline to accept admission into a university. So I have no backup plan if he decides to leave me today.

  My heart hurts. I thought I’d be numb to the pain by now, but it comes back, stabbing me harder every time. I wonder how long it will take me to recover from this.

  While I wait for Dane to text me back, I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling and thinking of all the things I need to do next month. I need to quit my job again. I need to write my vows. I need to prepare for my AP Research presentation. I need to study and take all of my AP Exams. I need to finish up the last of my senior photo shoots. My brain feels like it’s been ready to explode for months, and I’m so ready for all of this to be over and for the pressure to subside.

  My phone vibrates in my hand, breaking me out of my thoughts. I immediately sit up in bed and check the notification. It’s from Dane, and it’s a long message. My heart beats faster, as I read through it. He tells me that he’s been having doubts, and he’s been unsure of what he’s meant to be doing. He lists off a bunch of things I’ve started fights over, and he says he doesn't understand what happened to me. My heart shatters, and my eyes well up with tears.

  I get up and walk into the bathroom, closing and locking the door and turning on the fan. Tears immediately start to fall down my cheeks, as I read his words over and over again. What are we doing? Each word feels like a punch to the gut, and by the end of the message, I find myself bawling. Tears fall onto my phone screen, and I wipe them off.

  I don’t even know how to respond. My body begins to shake, so I sit on the floor and bring my knees to my chest. I stare at my phone so long that my vision goes blurry, and I just sit there, feeling a heavy sadness. I don’t know what I did to make this so bad between us, but I know it’s all my fault.

  I pick up my phone and try to text him back, but my fingers shake and press the wrong letters over and over again. It takes me so long to type out the right message before hitting send.

  I’m sorry I’m such a horrible fiancée. I’m sorry I can’t make you happy, and I make everything worse. I’m sorry I’m so emotional, but everything hurts. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want you to leave me. I don’t know what I would do without you. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t stop loving me.

  My shoulders shake, as I continue to bawl my eyes out and gasp for air. The crying lasts for about half an hour more, and by that time, Dane has given up on trying to talk to me.

  I’m not leaving you. I love you. I was just trying to tell you how I feel. He texted me, but the words didn’t mean anything. My heart has broken a hundred times since June of last year that I don’t know if it will ever be put back together correctly. I’m a broken girl, and maybe Dane deserves better.

  I end
the conversation and get in the shower, letting the scalding hot water pour over my skin until it’s red and numb. I continue to cry, as I pray to God.

  “Why? Why? Why?” I repeat to myself and to God over and over again until the word is meaningless. Then, I get out of the shower and get in bed, feeling sad and empty.

  There’s less than a month until I get to see Dane and a little over a month until I get to marry him, but why does it feel like those days will never come? It feels like I’m stuck in this never ending heartbreak, pain, and depression.

  I love you. We’re okay. Dane texts me.

  I love you too.

  ✦✦✦

  It’s time to start thinking about the move.

  I’m buying the plane tickets right now. Dane texts me.

  Since he joined the Air Force, he’s made it clear that he makes a good amount of money, so I was overjoyed to hear him offer to pay for both our plane tickets back to Washington. I didn’t want to put any more of a burden on my parents. That’s for sure.

  Yay! How’s the apartment search coming? I text back.

  Dane has been living in the dorms since he moved to Wichita Falls, but when I move out there, he’ll finally have to move off base into an apartment with me. I’m so excited to have my own living space. Ever since I was eight, I’ve shared a room with my little sister, and although I’ll be sharing a room with Dane, it will be so much more fun. I can decorate however I want. I can keep it clean. And I’ll get to sleep next to Dane every single time. I can’t wait.

  I think I’ve found the place. Here are some photos. Attached are six screenshots of photos of the apartments he’s talking about. It’s very modern, but the outside is a colorful yellow. Immediately, I know it’s the right place.

  I love it. How do we get it? I start to dance around my room with a genuine smile on my face, and Jessica stares at me strangely.