Real Boys

by William Pollack

  HOW TO BE A WELL-CONNECTED FATHER:

  WHAT CAN A DAD DO?

  For many fathers it all still feels so confusing, this new type of generative, nurturant fathering. Often in my research or workshops on fathers and sons, dads approach me to ask a myriad of questions: how to reconnect with sons, how to show their love, what to do about discipline, how to teach, how to nurture. Although it’s impossible to touch on all these issues in this book, to give the personal answers many dads need, I will try to highlight some important advice—gleaned from listening to both boys and their fathers, as well as to moms, siblings, teachers, and other experts.

  STAY ATTACHED—No MATTER WHAT

  My research and clinical experience highlights one central point: be nurturing and stay attached. And I’ll say it again: boys are never hurt by too much love! The styles of love and affection you use will vary as your child progresses from toddler to teen—and may well be different from those of the significant women in your son’s life—but your continued investment and love is essential. Don’t be frightened off by lack of experience or even by estrangement from your son’s mother. The natural yearnings you have, plus the learning you can receive from other caring parents or a fathering course in the community will see you through.

  It’s amazing what even the smallest gesture of love and connection can do for a boy. Even if you’re very busy with career or other obligations, try to take time at least once each day to spend a few moments with your son to let him know you love him and that you care about him. If you can’t do it in person, do it by phone. As trite as it may sound, a little love will go a long way. Even spending a relatively short amount of time connecting with your son each day is far better than giving up and spending no time with him at all.

  DEADBEAT DADS—OR DEADPAN DADS?—RECONNECTING

  AFTER SEPARATION

  Single dads are particularly at risk for losing touch with their sons, but struggle with all your heart and might not to let this happen to you. With the only exception being when an abusive relationship exists, fathers are still so necessary to their sons! Many men with difficult or estranged relationships with their ex-wives confide in me the pain they feel in disconnecting from their sons, but for some reason become persuaded that “it’s in everyone’s best interest.” Rarely is that true. You and your son are longing for that same contact of the heart—it’s important not to deny it to either of you.

  Mark Bryan, at Harvard Graduate School of Education, speaks eloquently about “the prodigal father”—the 50 percent of divorced fathers who see their children but once a year and the 30 percent who never or rarely do. According to Bryan, the sons of these fathers, even their almost adult boys, are longing to re-embrace their dads. He quotes one of his interview subjects: “If only the old bastard would say he’s sorry and tell me he loves me. I could forgive him for everything.”

  In reality, I believe, most so-called deadbeat dads are actually deadpan dads—dads who are depressed and confused about their isolation from their boys. Many actually long to find a healthy, genuine way to return. When they find a way to reconnect with their sons, they come to feel better about themselves, their sons’ mental and emotional states improve, and ultimately they genuinely change the world for “real boys” and for all of us who love them.

  So, if you are temporarily separated from your son, try as best you can to negotiate a new relationship with him and to work as hard as possible to maintain it. While it certainly isn’t easy, if you commit yourself to the importance of your relationship with your son and think creatively about how to keep it alive, you are likely, at least over time, to be successful.

  Take, for instance, Patrick Lynn, father of three boys, whose wife, Deborah, recently left him for another man, named Art. After separating from and then divorcing Deborah, Patrick fell into a depression. He still loved his former wife, but knew it was best that they end their relationship, and though he had very much hoped to obtain exclusive custody of the boys—especially since he hadn’t initiated the separation with Deborah—he was granted only joint custody.

  Initially, the three boys were shuttled between Patrick’s home and Art’s house, where Deborah now lived. Since Art lived in the same town, the boys could spend some nights with Deborah and Art and some nights with Patrick. But six months later when Deborah and Art moved to a town several miles away, the boys went to live with them because the schools there were arguably much better than those where Patrick lived. Patrick, it was agreed, could visit with the boys on alternate weekends.

  The arrangement worked out all right for a while; but as time went on, Patrick’s resentments began to fester. He felt the emotional distance growing between him and his sons, and became convinced Deborah and Art were doing little to improve the boys’ opinions of their father. When he saw his boys on weekends, Patrick felt as though they didn’t love him anymore. They seemed quiet, distracted, numb. After a few months of visiting his boys, Patrick’s unhappiness deepened. Not only did he stop seeing them, but he also failed to send child-support payments on a timely basis.

  When he came to me for help, Patrick expressed his utter dismay: “I can’t stand seeing my boys anymore. They act as though they don’t love me. It’s just too painful and doesn’t seem worth it.”

  Having become seriously depressed, Patrick needed several months of therapy before he was able to come to peace with the boys’ move. Yet as Patrick began to accept this change, with it came a new resolve, a new strong desire to deepen his relationship with each of his boys. Patrick realized that it wasn’t enough to see his boys only on the weekends—that it simply led them, and him, to feel distance and disconnection. Though he had been resisting leaving the house where he, Deborah, and the kids had all started out together, Patrick made the brave decision to move into an apartment in the same town where Deborah and Art now lived. Patrick began to spend every other night with the boys, and to have the boys to his new apartment on weekends.

  As his depression lifted, Patrick was pleased with his new life. “As difficult as it is to deal with all these changes,” he explained to me, “I actually feel closer to my sons than I ever did before. When we were together, Deborah and I used to have so many disagreements over them that it was hard to get any peaceful time with the boys. Now that I get to see them more often, and see them on my own, the boys and I are doing just great together. I love them to pieces—and now I get a sense that they care about me too.”

  STAND BY MOM

  In addition to maintaining his own connection to his boys, it’s important for a father to encourage his sons to stay close to their mother. A father who respects the love that the mother gives her son and who does not shame his boy for taking in that love can help remove or soften the trauma that happens when the boy is pressured by society to separate prematurely from his mom. By honoring and supporting the boy’s relationship with his mother, a father also helps teach his son the general importance of male respect for girls and women.

  Standing by mom doesn’t only mean defending her when she disciplines or reproaches her son. Instead, ideally a father seizes all sorts of opportunities to encourage the relationship between mother and son. So, for instance, if your frightened five-month-old boy begins to cry for his mother, rather than teasing the boy about his fear, let him know that mom is right there, and bring him to see her if he seems to need a dose of her love and attention. If your three-year-old draws a picture for his mom, tell him what you like about the picture and say how nice it was that he gave his mom a present. When you arrive home one day to find your twelve-year-old son sobbing, his head buried in your wife’s shoulder, avoid saying anything that will shame the boy. Ask him if there’s anything you can do to help out; and if he prefers to get help from mom, assure him that his decision is good, that his relationship with mom is valuable and important, that she’s a great person to have at such difficult moments. By conveying a sense of loving approval and supporting his natural yearning to stay close to his mother, y
ou give your son the message that his relationship with mom is important, that in your eyes it doesn’t make him any less strong or manly, and that it won’t change anything in his relationship with you.

  IT’S WHO HE IS RATHER THAN WHAT HE DOES

  As best you can, try to value your sons for who they are rather than for what they do. This means that instead of loving your son based on any particular quality or competency you wish he had, ideally you will love him for the qualities and competencies that he already has, those that come naturally to him.

  For any child, disappointing a parent is an incredibly painful feeling, and for most boys, letting down dad is particularly devastating. As a father, when you set up rigid expectations about who the boy must be, about what will make him “good” or “masculine,” it’s easy for him to fall into a pattern of constantly disappointing you. Conversely if you make it clear that you’ll always love him for just the person he is and that there’s no single

  definition of “goodness” or “masculinity,” he’ll be spared the agony of feeling he’s consistently falling short of your expectations.

  Adopting this open-minded approach helps fathers to break the force of the Boy Code. So, for example, rather than enforcing the “big wheel.” stereotype that spurs on boys to show endless aggression and competitiveness, you can develop your own creative rules about cooperation, negotiation, and friendship. Rather than frowning if your boy isn’t smart enough, athletic enough, tough enough, you can instead focus on noticing what does make your boy the special guy he is—his great flair for well-timed one-liners, his quick instinct to help out others, his winning smile, whatever. As the boy’s first and probably most important male role model, the more unconditional love and encouragement you give your son and the more you work to convince him that he is indeed a hundred percent masculine—a “real boy”—the better he will feel about himself, the more confidence he will feel to take on life’s challenges, and the closer he will feel to you.

  DEVELOP YOUR OWN STYLE

  Feel free to develop your own style of playing, teaching, and nurturing your son. As research has shown, your personal style—though it may be different from that of your spouse—is extremely valuable to your son. While it’s a great idea to get parenting tips from your boy’s mother or from friends or other family, the style you develop to connect with your son is your own creation and doesn’t need to match anybody else’s.

  If spending quiet time talking with your son feels comfortable, then enjoy those special father-to-son discussions. If the language of “action empathy”—using action to connect emotionally—works better for you, feel free to use this approach. As the research I’ve discussed makes incredibly clear, what matters most is that you simply do something—just about anything positive—with your son. Ideally, try to find activities that both of you enjoy. Thus if he likes contact sports, and you prefer quieter sports such as golf or bowling, compromise by finding a sport, such as tennis, with which both of you feel comfortable. If he loves all things cultural, and you’re more of a sports and fishing sort of person, find an activity—such as going to a movie or waking up early for a Saturday-morning bird-watch—that both of you will find fun and interesting. It’s not so much the activity that counts as your being by your son’s side, showing your friendship, fulfilling the yearning for connection that comes naturally to most fathers and sons.

  DO NOT BE THE POLICEMAN DAD

  Try to avoid becoming the “heavy” or “bad cop”; instead, work closely with your spouse to provide discipline jointly and cooperatively. By coordinating with her to set clear rules and limits, you can avoid falling into the trap of being the parent who is always expected to be the one to punish, the one who must always take on the attitude of goading and restricting your boy’s sense of personal freedom. If you come to share the disciplinary role with your spouse, you’ll probably notice that it becomes that much easier to develop a close and affectionate relationship with your son.

  In a study by Professors Anja Jain, Jay Belsky, and Keith Crnic at Penn State, four basic categories of fathers were identified—caretakers, playmate-teachers, disciplinarians, and disengaged fathers. It was only the caretaker and playmate-teacher dads who had a positive effect on their sons. Disciplinarian and disengaged dads, by contrast, found it very difficult to develop close relationships with their sons. In my opinion, there’s no reason a father should come to be the only parent who hands out the reprimands. In two-parent families, both parents should participate fully and appropriately to discipline the boy not only so that the boy comes to understand and respect his mother’s authority, but also so that he is not led to see his father as a stereotypical tough guy, as the parent who feels less empathy.

  SHOW RATHER THAN TELL

  Another important part of being a well-connected father—and of avoiding the pitfalls of becoming the “policeman” of the household—is to teach lessons by showing them rather than by just telling them to one’s children. Especially with boys, it’s important to make the learning process one that encourages the boy to follow “what I do” rather than “what I say.” By modeling how things should be done—by using action to show your interest and skill in the activities and undertakings of your boys—you can avoid the appearance of being condescending or patronizing and instead begin to cultivate a close, mutually trusting relationship with your son.

  By way of example, if you hope to instill in your boy the importance of respecting girls and women, saying to him things such as “Don’t talk to your mother that way” or “Is that the way to treat your sister?” will probably be far less effective than if he actually observes how you respect your wife or your daughter by talking to them gently and thoughtfully when you are displeased of frustrated with one of them. Likewise, telling your son, “Stop watching TV and get going on your homework” is likely to be less successful than if you too forgo watching television and instead perhaps read a book by his side to keep him company as he’s getting his school-work done. Not only does showing (rather than just telling) avoid the risk that your boy will somehow see your words as imperious or hypocritical, but it also enables the boy to see one of the adults he loves and respects most—you—model the behavior you’d like him to learn.

  BE AWARE OF YOUR OWN “FATHER LONGINGS”

  Because our own upbringing has such a powerful effect on how we behave as parents, it’s important that you, as a father, try to be cognizant of your own “father longings” and of the pain or confusion you may feel about the ways that you were treated by your father. So many men harbor memories about being teased or mistreated by their fathers for not having been “masculine” enough or for having otherwise disappointed their own fathers’ early expectations. As hard as it can be, it is very important to try to muster the courage to go beyond these memories and to avoid repeating the same kind of narrow shame-based upbringing for your own boys. In many ways, you are in the best position of all to help your son break out of society’s gender straitjacket. Because fathers are often so talented at drawing out the full range of a boy’s emotional experience, it’s wonderful when you, as a father, are able to give your son the sense of safety and self-confidence he needs to open up and come out from behind his mask.

  REAL MEN SHOW EMOTIONS

  To help your son feel comfortable sharing himself in this way, try your best, in appropriate doses, to share the full range of your own feelings and experiences with your boy. Let your son know that, even as an adult, you sometimes feel lonely, vulnerable, or afraid, that you shed tears, yearn for hugs, and sometimes want to run for cover, that “real men” like you can and do have all sorts of emotions. Explain to your boy that all men, like all boys, are fallible, that there is no hero without an Achilles’ heel, and the mark of masculine maturity is a man’s recognition of his own inevitable failings and his awareness that he needs other people to love and support him. By expressing these things to your son, by exposing yourself in this way, you show your son that in turn you, as f
ather, can be trusted with all of his feelings and experiences, and that your boy need go no further to find a loving, caring friend.

  In recognizing such human limitations, fathers and sons alike are changing what it means to be a “real boy” or to become a “real man.” In Homer’s Odyssey, that quintessential Western epic of the absent, wandering, duty-bound father and the bereft son, the story of Odysseus and Telemachus, we are treated to the poetic recognition of this male-based struggle. Are we and our fathers meant to be invincible or merely mortal and, therefore, vulnerable? The ancient poet suggests another prescription, a shared male humility. Odysseus tells his son: “No I am not a god . . . But I am your father . . . No other Odysseus than I will ever come back to you. But here I am, and I am as you see me, and after much hardships and suffering have I come . . . back to my own country.” Then, his son “folded his great father in his arms and lamented, shedding tears . . . and desire for mourning rose in both of them; and they cried shrill . . . and the tears their eyes wept.”

  In this harbinger of connection and change, in this echo of Abraham’s “Heneini”—here I am—is the recognition of father and son, reunited in connection.