Real Boys

by William Pollack

  “That night when my father came home from work, my mother told him about Sam. Dad yelled at me, ‘I told you not to let him in the front yard!’ which wasn’t even true. I just walked away. I went to my room and didn’t come out until the morning.”

  I asked if anyone came in to talk to him. “Nope,” said Steve. “Nobody cared. They just had dinner without me.”

  Steve’s family wasn’t there when he needed them. When he was sad about his dog, so many years ago, he would have been greatly helped by a kind word or a sympathetic hug. Instead, he was yelled at, ignored, and shut out of the family. No one in his family even acknowledged his grief. At that point, Steve’s sadness over his loss was compounded by sadness over the lack of caring from his family. In return, Steve began to shut them out and adopt a studiedly nonchalant attitude, a pose he has probably perfected in the five years since his dog died. Maintaining that tough attitude—completely covering up his grief and his longing for an emotional connection to his family—is a difficult act, one made immensely easier by the daily administering of emotion-deadening substances.

  But even if we didn’t know the exact source of Steve’s grief and disappointment, we could more easily determine that he’s depressed by using our diagnostic criteria for boys. His persistent denial of pain, his withdrawal from his family, his problems at school, his low self-esteem, and his increased drug use, all signal that Steve may be seriously depressed.

  THE LORDS OF DESTRUCTION

  Depression in boys can be fatal. In addition to suicide, many of its other symptoms—abuse of drugs or alcohol, increased aggressiveness, conduct disorders—can end up being lethal.

  Consider the true story of the so-called Lords of Destruction. In the summer of 1997 nine boys, aged fifteen and sixteen, living in rural upstate New York, got together and started calling themselves the Lords of Destruction. It seemed at first that this was just typical teenage boasting, because these boys were more aimless than dangerous. They were poor students, not very popular with girls, and unsure of their futures. Their backgrounds were similar, but not shocking: a history of learning disabilities and failure at school, combined with parents who didn’t care enough or have time enough. The boys became known for skipping school, drinking beer, stealing small items from local merchants, throwing rocks at cars, and just being generally annoying small-town punks. One night the boys drank too much. Four of them got into a car and, driving 100 mph in a 40 mph zone, ended up running the car into a tree. They were killed instantly.

  Just a few months later at a drunken sleepover, two other Lords got into a fight. One brandished his grandfather’s shotgun, which accidentally went off, killing the other. A seventh boy, depressed over his friends’ deaths, was sent to a drug rehabilitation center. An eighth member of the group, after a petty theft, was sent to a juvenile detention facility. In the fall, there were nine boys. By the spring, only one boy was still alive and living at home.

  In the words of one of their peers, these boys were just aiming to “live fast and die young.”

  I wonder what it might have taken to save these boys from dying quite so young. Part of the problem is that we explain away so much in our teenage boys as just the wilder side of “boys will be boys.” We respond as though boys were biologically driven by some sort of testosterone-inspired desire to drive too fast, to drink too much, and to play with guns, as though it were normal for boys to be so filled with so much despair that they don’t care whether they live or die.

  Unfortunately, sometimes we see drugs and alcohol and our minds snap to a moral judgment. We blame our boys for having a weak will, and tell them to “Just say No.” We blame the addictive power of substances, the drug lords in Colombia, or the persuasive junkies in the next town. As long as we can find someone else to blame, we don’t have to admit that perhaps, just perhaps, our boys are taking drugs because they’re suffering intense emotional pain. But in the rush to judgment we can again miss the chance to understand our boys and the compulsions that might drive them to drug use.

  These Lords—these ordinary boys—satisfied many of the diagnostic criteria for depression we have proposed be used for boys. They were socially withdrawn, abused drugs, acted aggressively, suffered learning disorders, disrespected authority, performed poorly at school, and obviously had low self-esteem. In my opinion, each of them was significantly depressed.

  SUICIDE

  Tragically, a disproportionate number of our boys are turning to the most desperate of solutions to depression and emotional pain—suicide. Since the 1950s, suicide rates for young white men have nearly tripled and remain twice as high as the suicide rate for all Americans. For African American young men, the suicide rate has increased a staggering 165 percent over the past twelve years. Suicide is the third leading cause of death among young adults between the ages of fifteen and twenty-four, behind only accidents and homicide. While more girls attempt suicide, four times as many boys than girls actually succeed in killing themselves. We are losing almost five thousand teens every year to their own despair in what has truly become an epidemic.

  In the tight-knit community of Evansville, this epidemic of suicides became shockingly real last year. In October 1997, James Scali walked inside his house to find his seventeen-year-old son, Kurt, hanging from his closet railing.

  Shocked and horrified, James and his wife were completely unable to answer the question Why? Kurt was a warm, friendly, sandy-haired boy, who was popular with his buddies and with girls. Recently his life had been going well. He had landed a job he wanted. He had a girlfriend he liked.

  Some parts of his life were less rosy. His brother had been arrested recently and was being held without bail on a charge of robbing the local grocery store. Kurt had been caught in a minor accident after uncharacteristically driving drunk. Still, it didn’t seem to add up to the kind of sadness that drives a boy to suicide. How—his family, friends, and the entire community wondered—could he have done this to himself?

  Kurt was part of a string of suicides in Evansville that summer. He was the eighth teenage boy to take his life in the span of only six months, while during the same time another sixty-five or so young men from the neighborhood had attempted suicide and had been treated in local hospitals and clinics.

  Some blamed the deaths on the hard times in the neighborhood. Evansville, a clannish, tight-knit community of Italian-American families, had once been a source of pride for them and now had fallen on hard times. What hadn’t changed was the community’s belief in a code of tough masculine behavior and its pride in the boys who excelled at that code. An uncle of one of the suicide victims described how he had taught his boy to be a real man. He said, “I taught him not to back down. Stick up for yourself. Don’t let anyone push you around. If you can’t hit them with your hands, pick up something and whack them with that.”

  Sadly, this boy and the other suicide victims must have faced demons that couldn’t be whacked with sticks, demons that they had no tools for combating. Apparently Kurt had told a friend the day before, “I wish life would end.” Kurt had tried to communicate his agony, yet sadly it went unheeded.

  Part of the problem is that boys don’t know how to communicate their despair. Kurt’s statement “I wish life would end” the day before his suicide was something that could be passed off as hyperbole, a remark with no more emotional weight than the common expression “Life sucks.” Certainly, Steve, before he descended into a life of drugs and school failure, never told anyone he was sad about his dog’s death. By adolescence, boys have submerged their feelings so well they are no longer in touch with them and therefore don’t know how to ask for help even when they most desperately need it.

  BOYS’ DEPRESSION—WHAT ARE WE TO DO?

  To prevent our boys from drifting away from us, I believe it’s important to take proactive steps to help prevent tragedies like those described.

  Be alert about your boy’s friendships and relationships. Try to know how their relationships are going.
Take the lead and try to break through the silence about relationship talk; ask your son whom he spends time with, who his friends are, how he likes his teachers at school, how he’s feeling about his siblings, if he feels that everything is going well with you. Strong relationships can prevent boys from sliding into despair or risky behaviors in the first place. Boys need to feel connected to significant people who care about them, who make time for them and who listen to them. This is among the best protections we can give our boys.

  Be watchful for signs of depression and intervene early. One of the worst kinds of family tragedy occurs when the signs of depression are present but nobody sees them or acts upon them. When you notice your boy exhibiting any of the behaviors associated with depression—or if your boy just seems to be a little bit “down”—don’t waste a moment before asking him what’s going on with him. Intervene early. If he lets you know he needs some time before talking, give him that time. But keep yourself available for talks and, when he’s ready, listen to what he says empathically. Tell him stories about your own experiences feeling sad or disappointed and how you were able to cope with these situations. Let him know that you care, that he’s a good person, and that you’ll always be there for him.

  Don’t be afraid to consult with a therapist. If it seems as if your boy’s symptoms aren’t going away, don’t be afraid to consult with a therapist. Many times parents don’t feel comfortable approaching a therapist because they’re afraid they might be overreacting and fear they’ll embarrass their boy by suggesting therapy. If you develop these kinds of reservations, contact the therapist yourself and see whether he or she might meet with you separately first to hear about your boy and his situation. I would strongly recommend that therapy for boys be conducted with someone who not only appreciates children’s or adolescents’ needs in general, but who also understands boys’ needs in particular. A therapist must be sensitive to the shaming culture that boys grow up in and be sure not to further shame the boy. At best, a therapist can provide a boy with a new, safe relationship, in which he can continue to grow and develop.

  If a boy’s depression is severe, medical intervention may be necessary. When a boy’s depression becomes severe, I would certainly suggest consulting with a psychiatrist knowledgeable about intervening with appropriate medications. More and more frequently doctors are prescribing antidepressants to young adults and children when appropriate. Some studies suggest that the newer antidepressants—such as some of the SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors)—may be effective in cases of serious clinical depression. Medications can be a huge benefit to a boy sunk in the depths of clinical depression. But it’s important to realize that medicating a boy is rarely enough. Therapy—with the psychiatrist who is also trained in such specialized counseling or with a psychologist or other appropriate mental health clinician with such training—is also needed to ensure that the boy understands the problems that led him to depression and learns how to detect the early signs of these problems if they recur.

  Try to address the big picture. It’s critical that we try to understand our sons in the larger context of what their lives are like at home, at school, and in society in general. It’s so easy to think that a boy who becomes sad or depressed is somehow to blame, that somehow he’s not a “real boy” or a “good boy.” But in so many cases, the problem goes beyond the boy himself. He may be being bullied. He may be struggling at school. His friendships may not be working out well. Perhaps he’s dealing with parents who don’t get along or who have their own troubles. Perhaps he’s getting teased because, in one way or another, he’s not quite following the Boy Code.

  To help boys conquer sadness and avoid depression, we must be sure to look at the big picture. It’s not enough just to know the boy and his behaviors. We need to find out what his life is really all about. So in addition to asking him about his relationships, try to find out what his days at school are like. Does he enjoy his classes? Are his teachers fair to him? Do the other students treat him well? Has he had any disappointments recently? What does he do after school? Does he feel fulfilled? Is he lonely?

  Also, find out whether biological factors might be contributing to a boy’s unhappiness or depressive state. Inquire whether there’s any family history of depression. Because some studies have shown that a vulnerability to depression may actually be inherited, figuring out whether a pattern of depression exists within a family is a logical step to assessing the possibility of depression in a child. Even if such a pattern does not exist, it’s also important to consider that internal biological factors—for instance, an imbalance in certain neurotransmitters in the boy’s brain—may be leading to the change in his behavior more than something intrinsic to his personality or to his life experiences. Determining whether such a chemical imbalance may exist obviously requires consultation with a knowledgeable clinician.

  In addition to looking at these biological aspects, we need to ask appropriate questions about what the boy’s family life is like. Do his parents get along? Are both his parents living with him or are they separated or divorced? Does he have a close relationship with both his mother and father? Do they both treat him well? Is there any possibility of abuse or neglect in the household? Does the boy have siblings? If so, does he get along well with them? Do they treat him with love? Have there been any recent major traumas or losses in the family—a chronic illness, an accident, a divorce, a death? Have any of the boy’s siblings or one of his parents recently suffered depression or other psychological disturbances?

  By probing behind the mask to learn as much as we can not only about our boy’s inner emotional world but also about all aspects of his daily life experiences at school, on the playground and at home, we begin to understand the many factors that may be contributing to his sadness or depression. Since only rarely is a boy’s unhappiness or depression caused by something entirely within himself, it’s critical that we see the big picture and address all of the conditions, internal and external, that may be bringing him down.

  Stay on top of the facts about depression and talk about them openly. Finally, try to keep informed about depression and encourage others who care for your boy—especially teachers and adult youth leaders—to learn more about these issues. If yours is a two-parent family, make sure your spouse participates in the learning process. Once your children are old enough, explain to them that you understand how sad life can sometimes be. As adults it’s not unusual to feel as though it’s “inappropriate” to talk to children about things that aren’t happy. Yet having honest talks about how tough and disappointing things can get is important. So talk about the mask. Talk about gender and the straitjacket. Talk about how society can be unfair to boys. By letting young people know that life isn’t always so easy, we set the stage for honesty and open the door for sharing emotions without embarrassment or shame.

  Following each of these steps is just the beginning for helping boys overcome pain and ward off depression. Though they may not guarantee that a boy will always be happy, these strategies can surely help him through some of the tough times. And they may make the difference between life and death.

  — 13 —

  VIOLENCE:

  SLAY OR BE SLAIN

  “You better know how to fight. If you don’t,

  people will just walk all over you.”—Dean, age eleven

  IT BEGINS WITH DISCONNECTION: THE ROOTS

  OF MALE VIOLENCE

  Today, most violence in our society is perpetrated by young males against other young males. Violence is the most visible and disturbing end result of the process that begins when a boy is pushed into the adult world too early and without sufficient love and support. He becomes seriously disconnected, retreats behind the mask, and expresses the only “acceptable” male emotion—anger. When a boy’s anger grows too great, it may erupt as violence: violence against himself, violence against others, violence against society. Violence, therefore, is the final link in a chain that begins with disconn
ection.

  Violence is also about shame and honor. For many boys, failing to “know how to fight”—or refusing to fight when challenged to do so—may be considered disgraceful, a sign of dubious masculinity. By learning how to fight and striking out against others who may be younger, weaker, or less skilled at combat, our young aggressor attempts to respect old Boy Code rules that call on him to do everything possible to protect his honor and prevent shame. We’ve already spoken of a boy’s exquisite sensitivity to shame and the toughening up he does to protect himself against it. Violence, of course, is a boy’s attempt to go yet one step further—to thwart shame and dishonor by going on the offensive, by hurting another human being.

  Ironically, violence in boys also sometimes represents a vain attempt on their part to reconnect with others, to make and keep friends. Whether it’s winning a fight and thus impressing one’s peers, helping other boys to beat up another kid, or actually joining a gang, violence may give some boys a false impression that they’re somehow growing closer to one another, bonding, in effect, through their individual and collective acts of aggression and malevolence. We’ve spoken of how sports can be transformative—enabling boys in a positive, healthy way to express a wide range of emotions, bond as friends, and boost their feelings of self-esteem. For some boys, violence is an unhealthy and, of course, futile attempt to gain similar social benefits.

  A WORLD OF VIOLENCE

  Most of us think that violence is about other people’s children. We think of violence as a netherworld occupied by street criminals, gang members, serial killers, vicious rapists—the dregs of society, not our children or the children of people we know. But talk with almost anyone and eventually you will uncover some incidence of violence that has touched someone in or close to his or her family. The lawyer uncle who committed suicide. The son at the prestigious university who was mysteriously murdered. The marketing manager who was seriously injured in a late-night car crash. The family friend who was accused of physically abusing his wife. The nine-year-old who was killed in a bicycle accident. The four unsuspecting students and their teacher killed in cold blood during school one Tuesday morning, allegedly at the hands of two young Arkansas boys.