Real Boys

by William Pollack

  Even when teachers, parents, friends, neighbors are exquisitely sensitive to the boy’s situation, the fact remains: the boy is without a father—he does not have what the other boys have. And, as much as his pals may complain about curfews or disagreements with their fathers, the boy can see that these are but minor problems in otherwise strong relationships. He does not want to be different, but there is nothing he can do to about it. This, of course, leads the boy to feel shame, which begins the cycle we’ve seen in so many other difficult situations—he puts on the mask and tries to harden himself against the painful feelings of being part of a different kind of family.

  FINDING A SAFE SPACE IN A “BLENDED “FAMILY

  The two-parent intact family may be the model that society chooses to idealize, but more and more families do not fit the stereotype. Boys of divorce may find themselves in all manner of blended and reconstructed families that bring with them problems every bit as complicated as dealing with a stressed mother or an absent father. When either parent remarries, the boy may become part of an enlarged family that includes an adult who suddenly assumes the place of the missing parent. The stepparent may also bring along his or her children from a previous marriage. Society has developed a stereotype of the happily chaotic blended family, a Brady bunch in which the stepparents embrace their new foundlings with boundless love and understanding and create a family-like group that is even more fun and interesting and loving than the two-parent family. Of course, it’s seldom that easy.

  After six years of sole custody of her son and daughter, Barbara London married a man named Arthur; he had never been married and had no experience in parenting. Cameron is ten, Willa is six.

  “Cameron has had a hard time adjusting to having a stepfather,” Barbara told me. “My daughter has seemed to settle in pretty well, but Arthur and Cameron are still having a hard time.”

  Cameron was acting out regularly. “There have been calls from the school, and things at home have become crazy. At dinner one night, we had barely started eating when Cameron wanted to leave the table. Arthur told him he was not excused yet. Cameron started talking back to him, shoving his plate around. Arthur got mad at him, which made Cameron even madder himself. Finally, he swore at Arthur and called him a filthy name. Arthur went nuts. He couldn’t believe a ten-year-old had called him that. Next thing I knew, Cameron was slamming the door to his room and Arthur was ready to walk out and never return.”

  Barbara tried to mediate between the two. She tried to explain to Arthur how Cameron must feel, with this stranger suddenly trying to exert authority over him. She also tried to explain to Cameron that Arthur had never had kids and needed practice to learn how to be a stepparent. “Neither one of them had much patience with me,” Barbara said.

  I asked her if she thought Cameron’s behavior was related to his age or his gender. She thought for a while. “I think this is partly because Cameron’s a boy. He tends to get angry and act out. Willa gets sad and mopey. When I think about it, I realize she’s having a hard time, too, but it’s much easier for Arthur and me to cope with a cute, teary-eyed, six-year-old girl than with an angry, shouting ten-year-old boy. Willa tells me about her feelings. She points to the stuffed elephant her dad gave her and says she misses her ‘real father.’ When I ask Cameron what he’s feeling, he says he hates Arthur.”

  Many stepparents feel as though no matter how hard they try, whatever they do is wrong. If they try to be a pal to their stepchildren, the children reject them. If they try to become a replacement parent, the children resist their attempts to wield authority over them. If they try to ignore the stepchildren, they find it is, of course, impossible.

  For many boys, as we’ve seen, the solution is to toughen themselves up and don the mask. They hide their feelings and act as if everything is OK while they continue to suffer inside. For other boys, the solution is to act out, go wild, get in trouble.

  Boys in unhappily blended homes face an additional difficulty. They may no longer think of home as a safe space, in which they can express themselves. When that happens, they may seek to create a safe space outside the home—at a friend’s house, a gang hangout, a girlfriend’s place, or some school activity. Although he may be lucky enough to make a positive connection in one of these places, it is often at the expense of connection at home.

  HOW TO KEEP A BOY OF DIVORCE FROM DONNING THE MASK

  No one would argue that divorce in itself is a positive thing, although it may have some positive results. One parent or both may create a better, more satisfying life for themselves outside the marriage. Children may find themselves freed from a depressing home environment or from physical or verbal abuse. But divorce itself and the process of becoming divorced are anything but positive. Divorce puts sons at risk, just as it does daughters. We must learn to recognize the warning signs that a boy is headed for trouble.

  No two boys will react the same way to a divorce. One boy may feel intense anger toward one or both parents, another may not. One boy may become extremely depressed, even suicidal, during a divorce, another may not. Many boys will act out their emotions and become disruptive and wild. Other boys may fall silent. It’s important not to make any assumptions about the boy’s emotions. The only solution is to carefully observe your son’s behavior, and to find ways to discuss the divorce and his emotions with him. To misinterpret your son can be as damaging for your relationship as not to hear him at all.

  There are many behaviors, of course, that clearly indicate that a boy is having trouble with his feelings. He may have psychosomatic symptoms, become “hypermature,” or do poorly at school. He may have trouble making or keeping friends. He may fight or disrupt class or engage in aggressive dialogues with a teacher. As disturbing as these behaviors are for a parent, they also offer the opportunity to begin talking. If a boy refuses to go to school, for example, that may be a time when you can start a discussion of what’s really bothering him. Is it the spelling test, as he says, or is it that he misses his father?

  REALIZE THAT NOTHING STAYS THE SAME

  Stephen’s father and mother divorced when he was eleven, and his mother returned to work full-time. She was so stressed with work, financial worries, and the emotional turmoil of the divorce, that Stephen decided he had to help out. He tried to assume a stoic presence, and did his best to take over the running of the household. He helped with cooking, cleaning, and caring for his six-year-old brother. He even screened his mother’s telephone calls, hoping to protect her when the credit card company called about late payments. By the time Stephen reached sixteen, his mother had worked through her financial problems, was more comfortable at work, and was much more stable emotionally. After five years of allowing Stephen to play the role of the father, she unwittingly expected Stephen to return to his old role as the little boy in the house.

  One Friday evening, Stephen decided to go out and asked his mother if he could borrow the car. “Not until you clean up your room,” she said.

  Stephen snapped. “I’ve been cleaning my own room for five years, and the kitchen, too. I didn’t need you to tell me to take care of my brother and mow the lawn and buy the groceries, and I don’t need you to tell me to clean up my room now. You can’t suddenly decide to be my mother.” He took the car keys and dashed out of the house.

  His mother cried when she thought about the truth of Stephen’s statement: she had placed a great demand on him during the divorce. Now she wanted things to return to “normal,” but it was too late. The point is that a parent can never stop looking at and listening to the boy of divorce. His emotions at the moment of divorce will be different from those six months after the divorce. And, like Stephen, they are likely to continue to change—sometimes quite unexpectedly—for years thereafter.

  MAKE SAFE SPACES AND SPECIAL TIMES

  We have talked about the need to create safe spaces for boys, where they feel unpressured, free of the gender straitjacket, and able to talk. For boys of divorce, it may be useful to formali
ze those safe spaces by creating regular times at which a parent will always be available and during which the child can expect complete attention.

  After Philip’s parents got divorced, his father, Jack, was soon involved with a new woman. On weekdays Philip lived with his mother, Ariana. On weekends Philip stayed with his father and his new girlfriend, Joyce, and Joyce’s five-year-old daughter, Charlotte.

  “On school days, I missed my dad. I love my mom and everything, but she doesn’t like to do things with me that he likes, like play Nintendo or help me practice my batting and stuff. Then on weekends, I missed my mom. Dad wanted to be with Joyce and would tell me to go outside and play. Plus Charlotte was always hanging around, bugging me.”

  Philip had suffered from mild asthma for many years. After a few months of the visits to his father’s new home, the asthma got worse. He began wheezing two or three times a week, badly enough that he found himself in the nurse’s office at school.

  “At first I thought Philip’s asthma had taken a terrible turn for the worse,” Ariana remembers. “I would be called out of an important meeting at work and rush to his school. When I got there, he would look suspiciously healthy. I understood that the nurse wanted to take every precaution and keep me informed, but I suspected something was going on besides an asthma attack.”

  Ariana looked for help from a parents’ support group that she was attending, and the group leader suggested a technique called “special time.” As we’ve discussed elsewhere in this book, special time is when a parent follows the child’s lead to do whatever he or she wants for a specified period, as long as the activity does not harm anyone—and with a spending cap if necessary. Ariana and Philip began doing special time for an hour twice a week.

  “At first Philip wanted to drag me outside to play baseball or watch him ride his bike, things I wasn’t always in the mood to do after a long day at work,” Ariana told me. “But I did it, because I had to prove that I really was willing to play on his terms.”

  Within a few weeks, Philip invented a new activity for special time—a game in which he pretended to have an asthma attack. “I was supposed to pick him up, carry him to the hospital, and then play the concerned doctor with magic medicine.”

  Gradually, Ariana came to understand what Philip was trying to accomplish with the game—and with his asthma episodes at school: he wanted to be reassured that Ariana would always be there to help him when he needed it. “Pretty soon, I started embellishing my performance. I acted terrified that he was so sick. I would tell him how much I loved him. I promised that I would always be there whenever he needed me. I even pretended I had a beeper so he could always get in touch with me, even when he was at his father’s for the weekend.”

  Philip responded so positively to the pretend beeper, Ariana decided to get a real one. The special time, and the asthma game, worked. Philip’s visits to the school nurse became more infrequent and, then, at last, ended. “I don’t wheeze anymore,” Philip says. “I feel a lot better now.” I asked him why he thought his asthma had improved. “I guess I just didn’t feel good when my dad started living with Joyce,” he said.

  Philip and Ariana have continued to do special time at least once a week. “He’s moved on to other activities,” Ariana reports with a smile. “Like making me risk my neck going Rollerblading with him.”

  During these special times, the subject of discussion is not always divorce, nor even Philip’s feelings. Sometimes mother and son just spend time together, doing “whatever.” It isn’t necessary to push the boy into conversation, or to “make him” talk—any mother of a boy knows that too many direct and probing questions are the shortest route to turning a boy off. But the special place assures the boy that when he wants to talk he will have a willing ear. Often, that’s as important to a boy as actually saying anything at all.

  REASSURE, BUT DON’T DISSEMBLE

  When a boy starts to talk about his feelings about divorce, all sorts of statements, perceptions, ideas, and concerns may come tumbling out, some of which may strike you as misguided or just plain wrong. It will not help to “correct” his ideas or in any way judge his feelings with comments such as “How could you feel that way?” Or “That’s crazy!” Or “You’re wrong to feel that way.”

  The important thing is to reassure your son that you are there for him and that you love him. At the same time, it won’t help to make things sound better than they are. If you know that the other parent is moving away or getting remarried, don’t hide the fact. If your son wants an expensive new sound system but it’s not in the budget, don’t say, “We’ll see,” or “That’s not important.” Tell him when it might be possible to buy the system. Or suggest other ways he might get one—by working for it or buying a used one. Your boy needs to rebuild his trust in you, and the best way to help him do that is to be open, honest, and straight with him.

  At the same time, try to avoid unburdening all of your stress on him. Sharing your concerns and worries will encourage him to do the same, but revealing that you’re feeling out of control may cause him to keep his worries to himself in the future. You want to be honest with him, yes, but you don’t want to force him into the role as your counselor or therapist. It’s an inappropriate role for him to play and is likely to make him feel awkward; it may inhibit him from expressing his own thoughts and healing his own hurts, as well.

  THE BENEFITS OF CONSISTENT CO-PARENTING

  Relations between ex-spouses may be full of anger, blame, and sadness, but much research shows that boys fare better when both parents remain involved in his life. Joint-custody children tend to fare better both economically and emotionally than single-custody kids, unless the relationship between mother and father is so acrimonious it provides more grief than support.

  It is important for a boy to feel that his parents don’t hate each other and that he need not choose sides—mom or dad. So even if you would rather have nothing to do with your ex-spouse, ideally you will overcome your own reservations and help your son maintain a relationship with him or her. It will help your boy to be more honest about his feelings about the divorce if he feels he has both parents to support his feelings, and that they are not trying to make him see the other parent as the villain.

  With all the changes that boys face after divorce—seeing one parent less or not at all, perhaps moving to a new home, facing judgment as a kid from a “broken home”—it is important to try to provide consistent parenting. If your son splits his time between two homes, try to make joint parenting decisions on discipline strategies and rules. Don’t accept negative behavior because of the divorce. If he is suddenly acting out, try to get him to understand why he is doing it, and help him see which behaviors are inappropriate. When he’s handling the situation well, tell him. Let him know that you know how tough things are for him, and that you respect how he’s dealing with his concerns.

  Sometimes responsibilities around the house will change after a divorce, especially when a mother returns to work full-time or parents begin to develop active social lives. Helping around the house with younger children or with cleaning and maintenance can make a boy feel that he is contributing to the family and assisting in making a positive transition after the divorce. Asking your son’s advice on where he would like to move, or what the visitation schedule he thinks would work best, enables him to feel less powerless in spite of so many changes. But, when doing so, be careful of forcing him into the role as the “little man of the house.” Don’t ask him to advise you on adult decisions that he isn’t mature enough to understand, such as your career, or give him too much responsibility, like staying home with younger children every night. Let him make decisions he can make; you make those that require an adult’s judgment.

  PEERS CAN SUPPORT AS WELL AS PRESSURE

  Studies show that boys from families of divorce spend more time with peers than boys from intact homes. This can be a positive or a negative factor in a boy’s ability to deal with divorce, depending on who the
peers are, how they view divorce, and what they do together. If a boy gets involved with other kids who genuinely like him, are willing to listen to him, and who don’t judge him, his group can provide much of the connection and love that he has lost at home. The same need for peer connection and acceptance can also lead a boy to join with groups of kids who have similar feelings of anger, and research shows that—in extreme cases—it may even lure him into gangs and cults.

  The responsibility of the parent is to be especially vigilant in knowing who the boy’s friends are, what they do together, where they do it, and to set limits on where they can go and how long they can be away from home. When the parent watches a boy closely and is positively involved in his life, the boy is less likely to skip school, become involved in gangs or criminal activities, become sexually active too early, or abuse drugs or alcohol.

  Families in transitions such as divorce are generally more at risk for “parenting problems,” such as inability to manage children’s negative behavior. However, a study of families at risk for these parenting problems shows that parents who are significantly more involved in their sons’ activities and who offer more supervision than they did before the divorce were more successful in positively influencing their son’s behavior.