emotional disconnect between teachers and boys in, 239–42
failure of, 231–36
gender gap in, 233–34
gender stereotyping by, 242–45, 259–60
girls’ adjustment to, 239–40
guidelines for parents on, 262–66, 270–71
high-energy learners in, 246–47
hyperactivity diagnoses by, 247, 253–58, 262
learning styles in, 245–48
learning tempo, pace and, 245–48, 267
male teachers in, 268, 269
mentoring programs in, 268–69
peer support groups in, 271
praise and, 262–64
questions to ask about, 231
relative performance of boys and girls in, 233–36
safe “guy” spaces in, 269–70
same-sex classes in, 267–68
self-esteem and, 232, 236–39, 250, 259
single-sex, 258–62
subject matter and, 266
teacher-student bonding and, 261–62
teaching methods of, 266–67
toxicity myth and, 232, 242–44
violence and stereotypes in, 349–50
Sears, Robert, 119
Seeley, John, 310
Segregated by Sex: A Critical Look at Single-Sex Education for Girls, 268
Seiler, Jeffrey, 135
Self-Concept as Learner Scale, 237
self-esteem, xviii, xx, 86, 102, 119
absent father and, 124
active father and, 133, 135
adolescence and, 147, 148, 156
bullies and, 356
depression and, 309, 325
friendships and, 188–89, 190
love and, 76, 204
mask of masculinity and, 16–17
measuring of, 238
quality time and, 131
schools and, 232, 236–39, 250, 259
sports and, 277–78, 282, 285
“selfish joy,” 134
Sells, C. Wayne, 341
Selman, Robert, 355
separation, 20–51
acting out and, 36–38
ADD diagnoses and, 36–38
anger and, 44, 49–50
Boy Code stereotypes and, 23–25
cultural imperatives and, 27–28
“dis-identification,” 28–29
emotional shaping and, 40–44
fathers and, 26–27, 43–44
gender identity and, 28
guidelines for reconnecting after, 47–51
hardening process and, 45–47
longing for connection and, 38–40
mask of masculinity and, 11–13
mothers and, 27–28, 40–43
parents and, 29, 31–32, 35–36, 40–44
role models and, 51
shame and, 25–26, 32–33
trauma of, 145–46, 173–75
serotonin, 56, 307
Sex Role Egalitarianism Scale, 165–66
sexuality:
of adolescent girls, 149–51
adolescent-parent communication and, 153–55
AIDS and, 227–29
bisexuality and, 220–24
cross-gender friendships and, 203–4
masculinity’s double standard and, 149–50
see also homosexuality
shame, 25, 102, 315, 378
avoiding language of, 49
boys’ fear of, 33
coaches and, 284–85
depression and, 309, 316
divorce and, 367–68, 369
emotional disconnection and, 32–33
girls’ sensitivity to, 33
hardening process and, 11–13, 45–47, 59–60
in infants, 32
mask of masculinity and, 5, 11–13
mothers’ emotional shaping and, 40–43
sports and, 284–87
and trauma of separation, 25–26, 32–33
violence and, 338, 345, 346, 347
Shortchanging Girls, 237
Simmons, Charlie, 185–86
Simpkins, John, 198
“sleeper effect,” 368
Smucker, Marvin R., 311
Snarey, John, 119, 135
Spencer, Aaron, 68–69
sports, 272–300, 343, 362
Boy Code and, 272–74, 285
brutality of, 288–89
coach as role model in, 282–85
coed, 299
competition and, 273, 289
depression and overinvolvement in, 325
eating disorders and, 292
emotional expression and, 275–76
friendship and, 276–77
guidelines for monitoring of, 296–99
“guy-ifying,” 298–99
hardening aspect of, 285–88
losing and, 279–81
multitiered programs in, 298
obsessiveness with, 289–93
parents and, 287–96
respect for limits in, 299
self-esteem and, 277–78, 282, 285
sense of mastery and, 277
shame and, 284–87
teaching of, 297–98
transformational nature of, 273–75, 285, 298, 299
Stand by Me (film), 196
Stanton, Andrew, 294–96
Stanton, Sylvia, 293–96
stereotypes, xix, xxiii, 35, 85
adolescence and, 147–48
of Boy Care, 23–25
of two-parent family, 377–78
see also myths
Sternback, Jack, 124
Streeter, Allison, 190
Streeter, Jessie, 189–90
Stroufe, Alan, 86
“sturdy oak” stereotype, 23–24, 50–51
substance abuse, 7, 25, 369, 385
adolescence and, 155–57, 174, 178
depression and, 326–27
talking about, 178
suicide, xviii, xx
epidemic of, 333–34
by homosexual teens, 209, 210
rate of, 332–33, 334
social connections and, 310
violence and, 341
Sullivan, Harry Stack, 181, 190
Swain, Scott, 191
Sweet Valley High (TV show), 185
Tannen, Deborah, 194–95
Taxi Driver (film), 360
testosterone, 53, 86
sexual orientation and, 215
violence and, 52, 55–56
Thematic Apperception Test (TAT), 167
Thome, Averil, 204
timed-silence syndrome, 8
depression and, 314–15
mothers and, 102–3, 110, 111
sadness and, 314–15
Tsongas, Paul, 136
“Understanding Boys” (seminar), 347–48
Van Derhorst, Gloria, 246–47
Varley, Christopher, 324
Vincent, Peter, 289–90
violence, 36, 47, 124, 338–63
action vs., 343–44, 362–63
anger and, 338, 347, 352–53, 361–62
bullies and, 342–46, 350, 356–57
coping with, 346–48
and early disconnect from mother, 347–48
empathy and, 350, 351, 352, 353, 356
frontier image and, 348–49
masculinity and, 345
in media, 357–61
national crisis of, 340–52
parents as models for, 350–52
perspective-taking technique for, 352–53, 355–56
roots of, 338–39
school stereotypes and, 349–50
shame and, 338, 345, 346, 347
suicide and, 341
testosterone and, 52, 55–56
triggering event for, 347
violence-free zones and, 353–545
Voices of Love and Freedom (Walker and Selman), 355
Walker, Patrick, 355
Wallace, Alex, 210
Wallace, Jessicah, 210
Wallace, Susan, 210
Wallerstein, J
udith, 368
War of the Buttons (film), 189
Washington, Devon, 306–7
Waters, Jaye, 25–26
Waters, Roger, 25–26
Wells, Kenneth, 321
Wentzel, Kathryn R., 174
Westfield, Clint, 81, 83–84
Williams, Tyler, 113, 117
Wilson, E. O., 216
Winnicott, D. W., 273
Winslow, Julia, 243–44
Wolt, Beth, 256–57
Wolt, Marty, 256–57
women: absent father and, 96
academic performance of, 235
depression in, 311, 312, 319, 320
mother-son relationship and, 82, 84, 91, 92
nurturing of boys by, 82, 84
see also girls
World War II, 94–95
You Just Don’t Understand (Tannen), 194
Real Boys Page 60