The Wreckage of Us

by Cherry, Brittainy

  “I found a bit of wiggle room.”

  “Ian—” I felt deflated, thinking that he’d chosen me over his music. That was what I was most worried about, him losing sight of his dreams because I was blurring his vision.

  “Shh, Haze. It’s fine. Trust me. I figured it out. We had a free day, and I took a flight back home. I leave tonight on a red-eye, but I couldn’t imagine not being here for you when you needed me.”

  “You’re only here for a few hours?” I asked. “You must be so exhausted.”

  “Yeah. But it’s worth it. Now come on. Introduce me to your sister.” He started walking toward her, but I stepped in front of him like an overprotective mama bear.

  “Wait! You have to wash your hands before you can touch her.”

  He smirked and held his hands up in the air. “I already did. The nurse notified me before I came in. Go ahead, HCT me.”

  I leaned in close to his hands and sniffed, smelling the hospital soap against his skin. I smiled. “Okay, carry on.”

  We each took a side of the incubator and put our hands inside. Ian took her left hand, and I held her right. It almost looked as if she were smiling too. Sure, I knew that was probably not a smile, and she might’ve had gas or something, but her lips were curved up, and that made me feel happy. At peace after a very nonpeaceful few days.

  “I want to yell at you for being here, but I also want to kiss you for being here too,” I whispered to Ian as we lay in the hotel room. Big Paw, Holly, and I had been staying at a hotel for the past few days in order to be close to the hospital in case anything went awry. They were back in their hotel room doing research while I was soaking up every single second of my time with Ian.

  He’d be leaving in about two hours, and all I wanted to do was wrap myself around him and not let go.

  “Go with the kissing option. That’s the better one.”

  I smiled, which in turn made him smile.

  “I missed that, Haze. I missed your smile. I’m not going to lie—you scared me when we talked the other night. About how my life was moving forward and yours was frozen. It sounded like you had all these doubts, and it freaked me the hell out.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry about that. But I still feel that way, if I’m honest. And with everything going on with my sister, my life will be tossed upside down if I get to take care of her. I know that’s not something you signed up for, Ian, and I don’t want that to somehow get in the way of your dreams. You can’t slow down right now. You’re about to take off.”

  “Just give me a chance to prove that we can make this work, okay? Don’t give up on us too soon, Hazel. I know there’s a way for this to happen.”

  The butterflies in my stomach swirled as he clasped his hands with mine. “I’m not running, Ian. I swear, I’m here. I’m just being cautious and realistic.”

  “Well, stop that,” he laughed, kissing the palms of my hands. “Just dream a little dream with me for a while.”

  I wanted to argue with him that we couldn’t live in a dreamworld, but in a few short hours he’d be gone again, and I didn’t want to leave him feeling unsettled about what we were. So I kissed his lips.

  He kissed me back and arched an eyebrow. “So . . . about you screaming my name . . . ,” he commented with a sly grin.

  “Okay.” I snickered. “Take off your clothes.”

  We made love in the hotel room that night, and for those few hours, I allowed myself to dream of a world where he was him and I was me and that was more than enough.

  The next day, Big Paw, Holly, and I drove back to Eres. Even though I felt awful leaving my sister’s side, we had to go and collect more information. Big Paw told me we’d be better off if we could get Charlie to agree to signing custody over to me, but I felt like that was a big shot in the dark. Charlie would never come around to that idea. Even though he was still locked up, I knew the last thing he’d want would be to give the girl who was responsible for that something of his.

  Still, I was going to try all avenues that I could think of before giving up.

  As we drove home that afternoon, the radio played a song by the Wreckage, and all three of us freaked out in excitement.

  “Well, I’ll be damned,” Big Paw exclaimed, slapping his hand against his leg. “Ian’s out there really doing something big, huh?”

  “Yes, he is.” Holly beamed ear to ear.

  Big Paw cranked the music up, and I sang every lyric to the song as if the words were tattooed in my mind. Hearing his voice on the radio gave me an odd sense of hope that maybe Ian and Holly were right. Maybe, at the end of the day, everything would work out; everything would be fine. If it looked as if things weren’t working out, then it probably wasn’t the end just yet. I’d had enough faith to get me through yesterday, and I’d have enough to get me through tomorrow.

  Patience was the name of the game, and I had every plan to be the best player.

  27

  HAZEL

  Hazel: Confession time: I’ve been listening to your songs on repeat.

  Ian: Confession time: Every time I sing a love song, I’m singing it for you.

  I’d been working closely with Big Paw and Holly to figure out how to get my sister home to us. Luckily, a lot of the laws said they preferred to put the child into the home of a family member, and seeing as how it was my little sister, that made things a bit more hopeful.

  Still, I had to get more information from people who hadn’t had much desire for me to be in their lives anymore.

  The look in Garrett’s eyes told me that he was getting pretty fed up with me asking him questions, but I didn’t know who else I could’ve gone to in order to get more information on Charlie. I knew he was in communication with him, and I needed to figure out a way to get Charlie to agree to me having the little girl.

  “Listen, Hazel, I’ve given you more than you deserved already, and I’m getting pretty sick of you showing up and making demands.” Whiskey wafted off his tongue, and his eyes were bloodshot red. It was clear he was drunk, based on the way he stumbled side to side, and he was obviously high on some kind of drug. The more things changed, the more they stayed the same.

  “It’s not a demand, Garrett; it’s a request. I want you to try to convince Charlie to let me keep my sister with me. I couldn’t imagine her going to grow up in a stranger’s home when she has family right here.”

  “You ain’t got shit to offer that kid. An adoption family could, though. You’re being selfish.”

  “Maybe, but it wouldn’t just be me. Big Paw and Holly are planning to help too. We have a whole family unit ready to back up this little girl, and she deserves to stay with family.”

  “Just let it go, Hazel. Drop this whole thing,” he muttered, turning to walk back into his house.

  I reached out and grabbed him by the arm. “Garrett, wait. Please. I don’t get it. I know you hate me for all your reasons, and I get it. But I know you also know me. You know how important family is to me. If you could just reach out to Charlie—”

  “It won’t help,” he snapped.

  “It might.”

  “Trust me, it won’t. Charlie can’t do shit for that kid.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Of course he can. As the father—”

  “Jesus, Hazel! Use your fucking context clues, will you?” I stepped back, completely astonished by Garrett snapping. “It’s not his fucking kid. Okay? Drop it. Let the kid go. Just leave it alone.”

  My stomach tightened as I was struck by an unbelievably strong sense of fear. “What did you just say?”

  “I said drop it.”

  “No.” I paused, raking my hands through my hair. “You said Charlie wasn’t the father.”

  He lowered his brows and brushed his thumb against his nose. “What? No, I didn’t.” The crinkle in his nose showed his perplexed thoughts.

  “Yes, you did. You said Charlie isn’t the father.”

  “Shit,” he muttered, rubbing his hands over his face. “Listen, you have to go,
Haze.” He went to close the door, but I stuck my foot in the way.

  “Garrett,” I begged. “Please.”

  He sighed, tossing his hands in the air. “You’re not going to be fucking happy about this.”

  “It’s okay. I just want to know what’s going on.”

  He grumbled and stuffed his hands into his pockets as he leaned against the doorframe. “Charlie can’t have kids. He had a surgery years ago to keep it from being a thing. He said he couldn’t run his business if he had little shits running around. He always said you were already too much of a headache.”

  What?

  “Then who is the father?”

  His bottom lip twitched, and he shook his head. “Listen, Hazel, I get why you think you want to know this, but—”

  “Tell me.”

  His head lowered, and he muttered out, “It’s me.” Those words flipped the whole situation upside down. “Why do you think I cared so much about checking in on your mom these past few months?”

  My chest tightened as the wind was knocked out of me, and I stumbled back a few steps. “What?”

  “I didn’t mean for that shit to happen, all right? One night, your mom and I were getting high together. You were at the library studying or some shit, and well, one thing led to another. And then another and . . .” His words trailed off, and to be honest I couldn’t keep up with the thoughts shooting through my mind. That was the last thing I’d expected him to say.

  My mother had slept with my ex-boyfriend.

  If that wasn’t beyond disturbing, I didn’t know what was, but there was a silver lining in all of this mess. Charlie wasn’t the father. I didn’t need his approval at all over my sister. I needed Garrett’s.

  Even though rage rushed through my soul and I had the desire to punch him in his jaw, I held my composure, because I still needed his help.

  “You don’t want to keep the kid?” I asked through gritted teeth.

  “Shit, Hazel. There isn’t anything about my life that has room for a kid. My mom wanted me to take her in, because, well, responsibility and crap. But your mom and I decided the real responsible thing would be to give this kid an actual chance at life.”

  “With me,” I said, holding my hand to my chest. “She could have a real shot at life with me, Garrett. I don’t just want her—I need her. She’s my family.”

  He lowered his head and kicked his shoes around. I knew he was drunk and high, but there had to be a part of him that understood how I was the right choice for her.

  “I don’t do drugs. I hardly drink and won’t anymore. I took care of my mom all my life. I took care of you when you couldn’t, Garrett. I’ve always been there for you, even when I shouldn’t have, because that’s what I do. I take care of the things I love. I’ll take care of her forever.”

  He brushed his hand beneath his nose and shrugged his shoulders back. “You really want this, huh?”

  “I do.”

  He squinted one eye shut as the sun beamed straight into his face. “And you don’t hate me for what I did?”

  “Oh, trust me, I hate you. But . . . this isn’t about you and me. This is about her, and I can’t let my feelings for you get in the way of me caring for her.”

  He blew out a cloud of smoke and nodded. “Fine. Whatever. Just tell me what I have to do.”

  I didn’t know my heart could be so broken and healed from so few words. “You’ll have to do a DNA test and stuff, and we’ll have to get this all on paper.”

  “Sure. Whatever. Just let me know what to do and when to do it.”

  I nodded and thanked him. As I began to walk away, Garrett called after me.

  He looked strung out, like so many people we’d grown up surrounded by. His hair was thinning, his teeth were stained yellow, and he was walking down a road toward the life I never wanted for us. He looked so much older than his young age, and for a split second, I felt bad for him.

  There were so many years when all I’d wanted to do was save Garrett from his own destruction, but I was learning quick that you couldn’t save people who didn’t want to be rescued. All you could do was leave the porch light on in hopes that they’d save themselves and find their way home.

  “Rosie,” he said as he brushed his fallen, greasy hair out of his face. “My grandmother’s name was Rosie.”

  I nodded once, knowing exactly what he was getting at. “Thanks, Garrett. Take care of yourself.”

  He didn’t say anything else to me, and I walked to Ian’s truck and drove home.

  Home to the place that would soon be the home to my little sister.

  Little Miss Rosie.

  Once we completed all the paperwork and met with a handful of social workers, we were able to bring Rosie home. There was still so much more that had to happen in court. So many hurdles we’d have to jump, so many court dates and procedures we’d have to cross off the list down the line, but for the time being, Rosie was home with us.

  Her crib sat in my bedroom, and even though she didn’t cry a lot at the hospital, that little girl discovered her lungs once she made it to her new home. The first few days and nights were almost unbearable. I’d tried my best to mentally prepare myself for the fact that I was going to be nineteen and raising a newborn, but truth was you couldn’t prepare yourself for having a child.

  I could’ve read every baby book on the planet. I could’ve gone to every pregnancy class, but none of that mattered, really. It turned out raising a child was a one-step-at-a-time process. It was overwhelming, and sometimes I’d find myself sitting on the toilet just for five minutes of rest as tears fell from my eyes.

  So much guilt sat in my chest as the tears fell, because maybe Garrett was right. Maybe I was being selfish taking Rosie in. Maybe she would’ve been better off with another family. But I needed her. I needed her maybe more than she needed me.

  And then each day she’d do something that would light up my world. Smile, chuckle, sleep. Oh, I loved watching her sleep as her chest rose and fell in a calming pattern.

  It also helped that Big Paw and Holly were more than willing to come over and take shifts with Rosie. They loved on her as if she were their own grandchild. Also, seeing big ol’ Big Paw holding a tiny baby in his giant hands was the most adorable thing in the world.

  I’d missed so many calls from Ian. In the morning and at night. Whenever I received a second to breathe, I was knocked out, and otherwise I was catering to Rosie and her needs.

  Ian: Missing you. Missing your voice. We’re in NYC this week, and all I can think was how I wished I was back in Eres with you.

  Hazel: I’m sorry my life is a mess.

  Ian: I’d love to get messy with you.

  I didn’t understand him. I didn’t get why he was being so understanding and patient with me. The Wreckage was exploding on the scene, and they were in the studio nonstop working on their album release for early next year, and he still managed to make time to call me every morning and every night.

  I didn’t deserve his love when all I’d been able to give to him were crumbs.

  I googled him more often than I probably should’ve, looking up news articles on the band. Reading everything possible about what the world was thinking about the Wreckage.

  During one of Rosie’s 4:00 a.m. feedings, I was flipping through some of those news articles out of habit when my eyes fell on an article with the tagline, Music’s newest bachelor, Ian Parker, is single and ready to melt your panties off with his voice.

  I closed the article quickly, wanting to read no more about it.

  Single and ready to melt your panties off.

  Jeez. If that wasn’t a kick-to-the-vagina kind of headline, then I didn’t know what was.

  I tried my best to shake off the nerves, but it didn’t help that I signed into Instagram and saw the massive amount of females that showed up at the meet and greet for the guys. Beautiful, tall, slim girls who were throwing themselves all over Ian Parker.

  I knew I had to make more of an ef
fort with Ian if I was going to keep our budding story growing into all that it could be. I wasn’t ready to let go of him, of us. It was my job to show him that I was completely committed to our relationship, no matter how complicated and complex it had become. I needed to prove to him that I was all in.

  Even if that meant less sleep and more calls. I was juggling my life in front of me. There were so many pieces to my puzzle. Raising a newborn. Searching for online colleges. Falling deeper in love from a distance. Working at the ranch. Each one of those things was important to me. So I did what I had to do to make time for them all.

  28

  IAN

  The band and I had been going nonstop for weeks, it seemed. When November rolled in, I hardly knew what day and time zone we were in. Plus, I missed Hazel more than fucking words, and I hated the guilt that hit me from seeing those fake articles about me being single.

  “All right, small-town boy, here you go,” Max said, walking over to me with paperwork in his hand. We’d started our week in NYC, and now we were back in Los Angeles spending day after day in the studio.

  The guys and I were burned out. Autumn was flying by, and we hardly had any time to enjoy it. Everything in our lives was moving so fast it felt as if it were all a blur. We were exhausted yet happy. Tired but blessed.

  “What is this?” I asked.

  “Your tickets home for the holiday. I had Amy clear the weekend schedule for you guys. I got you all first-class tickets to go back to Eres. I figured you could need a bit of time out of the wildness of this world. It’s a lot to be tossed into. Plus, I was hoping I could head home, too, to meet with my family. My wife is chewing my ass out for planning to miss another Thanksgiving.” He reached into his bag and popped a few pills into his mouth. “If only she knew those missed holidays paid for those mansions she loves.”

  I stared at the tickets and felt a knot in my chest as his words settled in. “Seriously? You’re giving us a break?”

  “Well, seeing as how your single hit the Billboard Hot 100 charts, I figured we can give you a few days off. I know it’s not much, but—”