The Wreckage of Us

by Cherry, Brittainy

  “I’m not worried about that. I . . .” Her eyes glazed over, and it appeared as if she, too, had a million things that needed to be said.

  Say it, Haze. Fucking say it to me, and I’ll say my words back.

  Her rosy lips parted, and I almost leaned in to taste them; then she shut them. Sealed them up tightly and gave me a pathetic smile that wasn’t a smile at all.

  Even though her lips turned up, I saw the sadness in the curve.

  “I, um, you should probably go check on your grandparents,” she said, shifting her stare away from mine. It was as if looking me in the eyes was too hard for her to do. “They’ve been going through some things and could probably use your company.”

  “What kind of things?”

  “Just . . . they need you, Ian.”

  The way she said those words made my gut tighten with nerves.

  “Can I use your truck to get over there?” I asked.

  She tossed me the keys. “It’s actually your truck—I’ve just been borrowing it.”

  I nodded once before turning away from her and heading toward the car.

  I wondered when I’d get to the point where I didn’t want to look back at Hazel in hopes that she was still looking my way.

  When I glanced over my shoulder and saw her still staring, I almost smiled. Then I remembered that she’d broken my fucking heart, so I kept my smile to myself.

  “Your grandfather went off to clear his head for a little bit. Come on in. I’ll make you a sandwich. You’re looking pretty slim lately.”

  “Touring and performing has a way of doing that.”

  “Still, you need to eat more. Now, get to the kitchen,” Grams instructed as she waved me inside the house. She slowly moved toward the kitchen, and I followed behind her.

  I sat down on the barstool in front of the kitchen island and clasped my hands together. “I’ve never seen him that upset,” I said, speaking about Big Paw.

  She nodded as she grabbed items out of the fridge. “He’s been having a tough time lately. And he worries about you after everything that went down with your parents and Hazel. We both do, sweetheart. We worry about your heart.”

  I shrugged. “I’m okay.”

  “You’re not happy.”

  I didn’t reply, because I couldn’t lie to Grams. She could see a lie from a mile away.

  “Your dreams are supposed to make you happy,” she commented.

  “I think somewhere along the way, the dreams I had shifted into something else.”

  “And what are your true dreams? What do you want?”

  I grimaced. “I think Hazel is my dream.”

  “Okay. Then go out and get her.”

  “It’s not that easy, Grams. I can’t have someone who doesn’t want me back.”

  “Oh, Ian,” she soothed as she placed two pieces of bread on a plate. “You know well enough that that girl loves you.”

  “No. I don’t. She broke up with me, Grams, after the hardest days of my life with seeing my parents. That’s not love.”

  “Based on everything you know about Hazel, does that seem out of character of her? For her to do something like that?”

  Of course it seemed out of character.

  I’d been blindsided by her actions. We’d made love the morning she’d left, and it had felt like the realest, most powerful experience of my life, and then I’d been hit with whiplash as she’d decided that she didn’t want to be with me any longer.

  “She loves you, Ian. There’s something keeping her from being able to show you that love. I know it. So please, fight for her. Push her. Poke her. Make her open up to you. I have the feeling she needs you the same way you need her. She’s scared of something, so make sure she knows she doesn’t have to be scared alone. Do you think your grandfather and I made it this far without being afraid? Of course not. I’ve been so scared that I’ve pushed him away, and he’s been too stubborn to allow me to do it. You know what I’ve learned over time?”

  “What’s that?”

  “The most important things in life are worth fighting for. No matter what fear says.”

  She set my sandwich in front of me and sat on the barstool beside me. I thanked her for the sandwich but didn’t pick it up.

  “Is everything good here? Are you and Big Paw doing okay? I’m sorry I dropped the ball on calling weekly.”

  “Oh, sweetheart, it’s okay. I know you’re busy.”

  “No. I’m just selfish. I should’ve called more. But you two are okay?”

  She gave me a tight smile and placed her hand on mine and patted it. “No matter what happens, everything is going to be okay.”

  What the hell was that supposed to mean?

  “Grams,” I said, gripping her hands in mine. My eyes narrowed and I tilted my head. “What’s going on?”

  39

  HAZEL

  Later that night, I glanced out of my front window and saw somebody standing at the end of the driveway, staring up at the sky in the pouring rain. As I opened the door, I noticed it was Ian. His back was to me, but I knew him well enough to know who it was.

  “Ian?” I called out.

  He turned to face me. His white T-shirt clung to his chest from the pouring rain, and the water from his eyes wasn’t due to the raindrops. He looked as if every ounce of happiness had been stripped away from his soul.

  “Ian, what is it?” I asked. Alarm shot through my gut as I stepped onto the porch.

  “She’s sick,” he choked out as his body shook from the cold and his nerves. His head lowered as he slid his hands into his pockets. “Grams is sick, Haze.”

  The moment the words left his mouth, I stepped down into the rainfall, headed toward him, and wrapped my arms around him. He melted into me as if our bodies were always meant to be one, and he proceeded to fall apart as I tried my best to catch his broken pieces.

  The rain hammered against our bodies as Ian’s sadness hammered against my heart.

  I brought him inside once he was able to collect his emotions.

  “Here’s some towels to dry off, and of course, you still have some of your clothes in your bedroom, if you want to change.”

  “Thanks,” he murmured as he stared down at his clenched hands.

  “Where’s your mind?” I asked.

  “Lost.” He raked his hands through his hair. “It’s ironic, you know? Grams has the biggest heart in this world. She gives herself to anyone and everyone in need. She holds no grudges, no judgments, and no resentment. Yet somehow she ends up with a broken heart. How does that even happen? How does the kindest woman on this earth end up with a heart that doesn’t work correctly?”

  “Life’s not fair.”

  “Maybe she loved too much.”

  “That’s an impossible thing to do. The world should fight to love the way Holly Parker loves. We need more humans like her.”

  “We need her.” He sighed. He pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes. “I don’t know what I’d do without her.”

  “Luckily, she’s still here. As long as she’s here, we should stay thankful.”

  “Did you know? Did you know she was sick?”

  I looked toward him, and guilt hit me. “Yes.”

  “And you didn’t think to tell me?”

  “I wanted to, Ian. Really, I did, but your grandparents made me promise not to tell you until they were ready. They didn’t want to put guilt on you or make you feel as if you needed to come home to care for them.”

  “I would’ve come home,” he muttered, wrapping the towel around himself. He then placed his hands against his face and sighed. “I haven’t even been calling to check in on them enough.”

  “They don’t blame you. They know you were busy.”

  “Busy being a little shit.”

  “Ian, they love you so much, and they don’t hold anything against you. Trust me; they love you. They just didn’t want to ruin your career right as it was taking off.”

  “Seems that everyone thinks I c
are more about this shit career than the actual people in my life,” he huffed. “Isn’t that why you broke up with me, after all? Because of my job?”

  I hesitated to answer. I saw the pained expression in his eyes and the way he was dealing with so many unanswered questions. I wanted to pour out the truth. I wanted to tell him about Charlie and the threats he’d made against me. I wanted to tell him about the struggles I’d been going through with not being able to be with him. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, that I missed him, that I’d worried about him every single day since we’d gone our separate ways.

  But nothing had changed. Charlie was still a threat to me, to Rosie, and to Ian’s family’s ranch, and I couldn’t imagine putting more pressure and pain onto Grams and Big Paw, seeing as how they were going through so much already. The last thing they needed was Charlie coming around and destroying everything they’d spent their whole lives building.

  “It’s not that easy, Ian,” I said.

  He walked over to the couch and sat down. “It seemed that easy when you pushed me away.”

  “I know.” I dropped my head and sat next to him. “I know it doesn’t make any sense, seeing as how everything seemed good between us. I know I probably confused you and the breakup came out of left field. I wish I could explain it to you.”

  He tilted his head in my direction with the most sincere look. “Explain it, then.”

  I parted my lips, but my throat dried up. I didn’t know what to say, what to do, or how to react. He must’ve been able to tell, because he took my hands into his and slightly squeezed. “Do you still love me?” he whispered like a gentle breeze passing across my heart.

  “Yes,” I said, knowing I was completely unable to lie to him about that one thing.

  “Then why aren’t we together?”

  “Because we can’t be.”

  “And why’s that?”

  I swallowed hard and looked down at our hands, linked ever so perfectly. “Because I’ll hurt you.”

  “Nothing you could do could ever hurt me to the point of no return, Haze.”

  I nodded. “Yes, but it wouldn’t just hurt you; it would hurt your family and mine. It . . .” I shut my eyes and took a deep inhale.

  He pulled me into him and placed his lips near my ear and spoke softly. “What are you so afraid of?”

  “Losing everything.”

  “I’ve been there. I know that fear. I’m living it right now, and that’s why I can’t lose you too, Hazel. My whole life has been about building a wall to keep people away. I worked hard to keep people at a distance, and you had the nerve to break me down. To teach me what love is. So please,” he begged, his breaths hot against my skin, sending a wave of energy to the pit of my stomach. “Stay with me.”

  I felt his tears falling against my skin, and I was certain he felt mine against his. I began crying harder as I held on to his shirt. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I kept repeating.

  “What’s hurting you, Haze?” he asked so softly. “What’s doing this to you?” He wrapped his grip around me and pulled me in tighter. “It’s okay. I got you. I got you.”

  I hated that I’d begun falling apart when he was the one who should’ve been broken after finding out the news about Holly. Yet there I was, holding on to him and crying as if he were nothing more than a dream and if I let him go, he’d slip away.

  He held on to me as long as he could, until reality set in that I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t hold him close to me. If Charlie found out . . .

  I pulled away. I sniffled and brushed my hands against my eyes. “I should really go check on Rosie.”

  He looked so perplexed by me pulling away, but he stood to his feet and gave me a nod. “Of course.”

  “I am really sorry, Ian . . . about Holly.”

  He gave me a broken smile. “She’s still here. So I’m going to stay thankful for that.”

  Good.

  “Okay, well, good night. Let me know if you need anything.”

  “You,” he replied so quickly I was almost unsure he’d said that word.

  “What?”

  “I need you,” he swore. He stuffed his hands into his wet slacks and cleared his throat. “I get it. Something happened, and you’re scared. You’re afraid to share whatever happened to you, and I get that, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want or need you, Hazel. I think you need me too. You know how Grams made you promise not to tell me about what was going on?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Well, she had me make her a promise too. She made me promise to fight for what I love—so no matter what, I’m fighting for you. I’m not running away, Hazel. I’m not building my wall back up. I’m staying in town, and not only am I going to work on myself, but I’m going to work on us. Even if that means just being too damn much in your business. I’m fighting for you whether you like it or not, Hazel Stone. Our love song isn’t over. We’re just getting to the chorus, and I’m going to sing for you, for us, until forever.”

  Ian wasn’t kidding—he stayed in town and stayed very much in my business.

  He and the band didn’t get on an airplane to head back to Los Angeles to record their rushed album. Instead, they went back to the basics of recording their own tracks in the barn house as they made a plan to tackle their record label.

  I hadn’t a clue how they were going to pump out a complete album in such a short period of time, but I also knew if anyone could do it, it was the Wreckage. They were determined to prove to Max Fucking Dickhead that he couldn’t control them.

  When Ian wasn’t with his grandparents or recording with the band, he was on the ranch, giving me a run for my money.

  Big Paw put me in charge of giving Ian his tasks, and it was as if we’d come full circle.

  As he was cleaning out the pigpens, I stopped in to check if he was getting the work done. Also, I simply liked checking in on him, because I couldn’t help but want to be around him.

  “How’s it going?” I asked.

  “Oddly enough, it’s not too bad. I missed this literal shit storm,” he said, putting his pitchfork down. “I’m a bit slower than I used to be.”

  “Yeah, you are,” I joked. I clapped my hands together. “Get it together, or you’ll be here all night.”

  “If only I had someone to help me.” He smiled. Gosh, I loved that smile.

  “If only.”

  “Come on, Haze.” He gestured toward another pitchfork and one of the messy pens. “One more for old times’ sake?”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Are you trying to get out of doing your job?”

  “No. I just like being around you.”

  Butterflies.

  So many butterflies.

  I took a deep inhale and released it through my lips. Even if Charlie did walk in on Ian and me, it wasn’t as if we were doing anything outside of the normal. We were working; that was all.

  At least that was all I thought was going on.

  As I began shoveling the soiled hay, Ian spoke. “Confessions?”

  I shook my head. “I’m not sure I’m up for it.”

  “Why?” He narrowed his eyes. “Afraid of what might be said?”

  “Exactly.”

  He didn’t let up, though. “Confession: I miss you.”

  “Ian . . .”

  “Confession: you’re my best friend.”

  “Please stop.”

  “Confession: if you gave me the chance, I’d love you until forever.”

  I swallowed hard as I watched him walk toward me. I was standing right in the middle of pig manure, doing the most disgusting job, looking as if I hadn’t slept in days, and Ian Parker was telling me how he wanted to love me forever.

  He continued on. “Confession: you are my sun, my moon, and my stars. Confession: whatever’s hurting you, we can fix together. Confession: I’m never going to give up on this.”

  I didn’t know how it happened. I didn’t know how my hands found his or how our bodies became pressed together. I didn
’t know how his forehead fell to mine or how my heartbeats increased erratically.

  I didn’t know how his lips fell so close to mine or how his exhalations became my inhalations.

  But there we were, seconds away from our lips locking together, and me falling into a drunkenness that I’d never be able to recover from. If I started kissing Ian, I knew I’d never be able to stop.

  He was it for me.

  He was the hook, the bridge, and the melody.

  “I feel it in your body shakes,” he breathed. “I feel it as I hold you. I feel the love that’s there, so tell me, Hazel. Tell me what’s keeping us from being us. Give me your confession, and I’ll make it all right.”

  “Charlie,” I whispered, my voice shaky and unsure if I was doing the right thing. “It’s Charlie.”

  He pulled away from me and raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean, it’s Charlie?”

  Feeling an overwhelming amount of dread sitting in my chest, I began pouring everything out of me. I told him about how Charlie was out of prison, about how he’d threatened me and forced me to break things off with Ian. How he’d threatened the ranch as a whole. How he’d threatened my little sister.

  “He said he would hurt Rosie. You see? I had no choice. I had to break things off with you, Ian. He put me in a corner, and I didn’t have any other choice.”

  Ian’s face turned bright red as his hands formed fists. “He said he would hurt Rosie?”

  “Yes.” I nodded, hating the memories that came rushing back to me of Charlie holding Rosie in his arms.

  “He’s going to die for that. I’m going to fucking kill him.”

  “No.” I shook my head. “You can’t do that. You can’t go after him, Ian. You can’t do that. People don’t get Charlie. He gets people. Trust me, I’ve tried to get him put away, and it all backfired. Plus, you’re in the public eye. Max was right about that—you can’t be getting involved in my mess when you’re on the road to massive success.”

  “Max said something to you too?” he hissed as his nose flared. “What the hell?”

  “It’s really okay. He worried about your image and what it would be like being with someone with so much ugliness to my past. I understood that a bit.”