Holding On

by Lisa Mills

  He nodded. “I remember writing it. And I meant every word. The day before graduation I went to my father and told him I wanted to withdraw all the money from my bank account. I planned to buy a bus ticket and bring the rest with me in cash to pay for our wedding and an apartment … whatever we needed to get started.” He sighed in frustration and rubbed his forehead. “Dad had set up the savings account for me when I was a kid. His signature was required in order for me to make a withdrawal. He said it would prevent me from withdrawing money without his knowledge and wasting it on something foolish. I’d never had a problem with the arrangement until that day.”

  He scooted forward on the cushion and turned toward her so their knees were almost touching. “Dad knew I was planning to come back for you, and he said ‘No.’ He wouldn’t sign for the withdrawal. Without the money, I had no way of getting back to Indiana. I pleaded with him, begged him to help me. I wanted to marry you, Dani. I swear I did.”

  The urgency in his tone was sincere enough to make her throat swell into a painful knot. She darted a glance his direction and saw the dampness on his dark lashes, the desperation in his eyes. Cracks began forming in the walls around her heart.

  “You know my dad. Being career military, he’s always felt that serving was important, and that the military teaches good discipline and skills young men need. He wanted me to join the Army, but I refused. So he made me a deal: If I joined the Guard, and made it through Basic, he’d release the account to me. That was the price of freedom.” He dropped his forehead to his hands, his thick fingers forking into his short cropped hair.

  “I could have said no and got a job, tried to earn bus fair some other way, but he told me I’d have to move out if I went that route. Paying rent somewhere would have eaten up my earnings and taken me a lot longer than going through Basic Training. Doing what he asked seemed like the fastest way to get the money and get back to you. So I did it. I signed up for orientation the next day got put in the next unit going through Basic.”

  She clenched her fists in her lap, anger building. “But how could you do that? And how could you not tell me?”

  “I thought I did.” He looked at her, eyes full of agony. “I wrote you a letter and put it in the mailbox just before I left. I didn’t find out until three years later that my dad came back home after dropping me off, took the letter out of the mailbox, and destroyed it. He didn’t want us getting married, so he did everything he could to sabotage our relationship.”

  “Your dad never even met me. How could he dislike me so much?”

  “It wasn’t you he disliked. Just the idea of marrying young. He and my mom married right out of high school, and it didn’t work. She couldn’t deal with Army life, all the time alone, worrying about his safety. When she left us, it hurt him deeply. I think in his own misguided way, he was trying to protect me from making the same mistakes he did.”

  He leaned toward her, resting his elbows on his knees. “I thought about you and the baby during every drill, and every step of every mile that I ran that summer. I laid in my bunk at night, praying you were okay and that we’d be together soon.”

  “But why didn’t you write or call me from the base? Surely they let you have some communication with the outside world while you’re in Basic.”

  He breathed a heavy sigh. “I did try to contact you.” He looked up and captured her gaze. “They don’t let you make any calls the first couple of weeks. After that, I tried twice. You weren’t home, and I didn’t think you’d want me to leave a message. I was so tired at night, I couldn’t hold a pen, let alone write a letter. I just figured I’d catch you the next time they let me make a call. Then some guy in my unit got busted with drugs in the barracks. We were all punished. No phone calls, no letters.”

  The look on his face conveyed his dismay. “You don’t know how many times I’ve wished I’d done things differently. I thought you knew where I was. I figured there’d be time, that you’d be waiting for me. So three months later when I rolled into Northwood and knocked on your door, I was devastated to learn you were gone. Your mother said she didn’t have a forwarding address or phone number or anything. I could tell she was upset, but she wouldn’t say why or explain. She shut the door in my face and that was it. I can’t tell you how awful I felt, Dani. My heart was ripped out that day.”

  He didn’t have to explain the feeling. She knew it all too well. A lone tear dripped down her cheek and splashed onto the pant leg of her jeans, staining the denim a darker shade of blue where it soaked in.

  Kevin reached out to her, like he wanted to touch her. His hand hovered there in the air between them, beckoning. “Dani, where did you go?” he asked, his voice ragged. “What happened? You were supposed to wait for me.”

  A sob wrenched out of her throat, shaking her shoulders. “You were supposed to come back in June!” She uncrossed her arms and pushed to her feet, needing to expel some of her emotions before her throbbing heart exploded. Pacing the tiny room, she finally gave voice to the torrent of emotion she’d held inside for almost a decade. “How long did you think I could hide the pregnancy, Kevin? It was hard enough keeping it a secret until graduation. By August I couldn’t fit into any of my clothes.”

  “But you could have—”

  “Could have what, Kevin?” She whirled on him. “Called you? You didn’t leave me a number. Should I have written you? I did that, but you didn’t answer. I didn’t know you were at Basic. I thought you’d changed your mind, that you’d abandoned us. What was I supposed to think? I waited for months with no word from you. Months, Kevin. All the while I was growing and changing and experiencing all these things that I couldn’t talk about to anyone.” She stopped pacing and faced him, hands pressed to her chest. “I didn’t know anything about having a baby. I was terrified of facing that alone.”

  His face twisted into a grimace, and he lowered his gaze to the floor. “I’m sorry,” he breathed.

  “Sorry?” she spat. “Do you know what happened when I finally worked up the courage to tell my parents I was pregnant?” Tears flowed down her cheeks. “My father flew into a rage, beat me, then gave me ten minutes to pack before he threw me out of the house.”

  His head jerked up and his eyes bored into her. “He beat you? Knowing you were pregnant?” Kevin pursed his lips, fists clenching in his lap. “I think I want to have another man-to-man conversation with your father.”

  “I have a few things I’d like to say to your father too.”

  He looked up and smiled sadly at her. “They’re quite a pair, aren’t they?”

  Danielle rolled her eyes and huffed. “You could say that.”

  He shifted as if trying to get comfortable. “So he threw you out? Your mom insinuated that you’d run away.”

  “I suppose that was the cover story. They didn’t want anyone to know about the baby. It would have caused conflicts for my father at the church. His position as an Elder was always so important to him.” A long sigh drained her of the last of the energy that had flooded her system. “I’ve given up the idea that I’ll ever have a satisfying relationship with him.”

  She returned to the couch and sat again. After fidgeting with a hangnail for a minute, she finally found the courage to look at Kevin. The strong lines of his face were softened by the tenderness in his eyes and the salty remnants of tear tracks that had dried on his cheeks. Her voice was barely a whisper when she asked, “You really came back for me?”

  He reached out, and rested his hand on her arm. “Yes. It was the end of August.”

  The warmth of his touch seeped through her skin and burned a path to her heart. Trembling, she lifted her hand and laid it over his. “I probably left a couple days before you arrived. A few days, Kevin.” Pain wrenched through her. All that time lost.

  Moving slowly, he slid closer to her and draped his arm around the cushions at her back. He held himself a few inches away, watching her and waiting, his silent invitation made.

  Danielle could feel the w
armth of his body. His shoulder, just inches from her cheek, looked broad and strong. She stared at him, caught between chains of the past and hope for the future. “It was real, wasn’t it? We were just kids, but we were really in love, weren’t we?”

  He smiled at her, soft and tender. “I still am.”

  The tears began again—healing tears that washed away the hurt and the pain. He hadn’t abandoned her. All along, he’d loved and wanted her. And Trevor too. The knowledge flooded into her, salving over the wounds she’d carried inside for so long. She let herself relax against him, her cheek coming to rest on his chest, her forehead tucking into the hollow beneath his chin.

  His arms folded around her, and he nuzzled his cheek into her hair. When he drew a ragged breath, Danielle realized that the separation and all the unanswered questions must have been just as painful for him.

  She slid her hands around his waist and hugged him closer, feeling the pieces of her broken heart begin to mend.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  “Dani? Hey.”

  Her pillow began to shake, jostling her from the pleasant dream she’d been having.

  “Honey, wake up.”

  She forced her eyelids open and blinked hard to clear the sleepy haze. What she’d thought was a pillow was actually a white t-shirt stretched across a firm chest. Alarmed, she sat up too fast, making her head spin.

  “Easy, hon.” Warm hands steadied her until the room came back into focus. Kevin sat beside her, a concerned look on his face. “You okay now?”

  She nodded.

  “Sorry to wake you, but it’s almost six. If I’m going to make it to work on time, I have to get moving.”

  “Six? In the morning?” Her voice sounded rusty and rough.

  He grinned, displaying his straight white teeth. “You fell asleep last night. I didn’t have the heart to wake you.”

  Her heart fluttered wildly. “All night?”

  “You were out cold. Must have needed the rest.”

  Heat flushed into her cheeks as she thought of being nestled in Kevin’s arms through the night. Then heat flushed through her middle as she remembered how comfortable she’d felt there. No wonder she’d slept so deeply. Contentment had that effect on her. She smoothed her hair back and tucked it behind her ears. “Did you get any sleep?”

  “A little.”

  “Kevin,” she moaned. “You should’ve woke me up. I feel bad you have to go to work on so little sleep.”

  He brushed his hand across her cheek then traced the curve of her neck, fingertips coming to rest on her collarbone. “Don’t worry about me. I’ve spent the last eight years wishing I could hold you like that. I wasn’t about to waste the chance.” His gaze caressed her face and settled on her lips. He focused there for a heated moment before he eased away and slowly pushed to his feet. “I have to go now, but I’ll come back after work.”

  She stood and stuffed her hands in her pockets to keep from grabbing his arm and begging him to stay. For the first time in years, she felt almost whole, like the missing pieces of her heart had been found and stitched back into place. But the threads were fragile and new. Watching him walk toward the door plucked at the fresh seams and made them sting.

  He retrieved a camouflage jacket from a hook on the back of the door and shrugged into it. He looked fierce in the uniform, and Danielle could only imagine what he’d be like in full gear. “Will you call me when they take Trevor off the respirator? I’d like to know he’s okay.”

  “Sure.”

  The doorknob rattled and the hinges squeaked as he pulled open the door. Her heart seized at the sound. “Kevin?”

  He stopped in the doorway and turned back, eyebrows lifted, eyes soft.

  She stared up into his handsome features, and her anxiety faded. “Hurry back.”

  The smile that spread across his face warmed her to her toes. “As soon as possible.”

  She closed the door softly behind him and leaned against it. Three days ago, she’d watched Trevor crashing and feared her life was over. Today, she had a burning sense of hope that the best was yet to come.

  ~ ~ ~

  “Daddy!”

  Trevor’s exclamation sent a whirl of butterflies through Danielle’s stomach. She smoothed her hands over the wrinkles in her shirt as Kevin breezed into the parent side of the room and stepped up to the viewing window beside her.

  “There’s my boy!” His rich baritone brushed over her like a velvety wave, and the room was suddenly full of his presence.

  Trevor pushed off his pillows and sat up a little straighter. “Want to play checkers, Dad?”

  “Definitely. But I saw the dinner cart coming down the hallway. We’ll play after you eat.”

  “Okay.” Trevor relaxed back on his pillows, his attention drifting to the television screen.

  Kevin turned to her and greeted her with a warm smile. “Hey, Dani.” He looked amazing in tan pants and a navy blazer with tailored lines that accentuated his broad shoulders. A pale blue collar brushed across his neck, contrasting with the five-o’clock shadow trailing along his jaw. “How was your day?”

  “Good. Yours?”

  “Getting better by the minute.” The meaningful look he gave her filled her cheeks with heat. She glanced away, tugging at the hem of her shirt again.

  Kevin shrugged out of his jacket and pulled off his tie, hanging both on a hook on the door. He loosened a few buttons at his neck and the ones on his cuffs as he came to join her on the sofa. “It’s good to see Trev awake and moving around.”

  “Yeah, he’s done good today, considering what he’s been through. Thankfully, he doesn’t remember anything. It’s like he took a long nap.”

  Kevin smiled. “Then I don’t have to explain why I was gone for a few days.”

  “Not unless you want to.” She reached up to tuck her hair behind her ears. “Did you eat yet?”

  He sank back into the sofa and crossed one foot over his knee. “Nope. Came straight from work. You?”

  “Not yet.”

  He started to sit forward. “You want me to run and get us something?”

  “No,” she said, waving him back. “I can wait until later. I think Trevor will probably fall asleep soon after he eats. They took him off the sedatives, but his body is still groggy.”

  Kevin lifted his arms and clasped his hands behind his head as he relaxed back into the couch. “Why don’t we wait until he falls asleep, then I’ll take you to dinner?”

  Her heart picked up its pace. “I, uh … I really don’t want to leave him for long.”

  Kevin smiled. “There’s an Italian place just down the street. I’ll call and get us reservations. There won’t be any waiting.”

  She bit her lip, feeling shy and uncertain.

  “Come on, Dani. It won’t take any longer than eating in the cafeteria, and the nurses have our cell numbers. They can call us if there’s a problem. You have to be sick of hospital food by now. You eat here all the time.” He smiled at her, sweetening the invitation with his dimples.

  Italian food sounded delicious, but dinner outside the hospital seemed almost like a date. The thought made her heart pound … out of fear or anticipation, she wasn’t sure. She glanced at Trevor, then to the clock, and back to Kevin. He sat quietly, looking hopeful and slightly vulnerable.

  She decided the nervous flutters in her stomach were the good kind. “Okay. If Trevor falls asleep, we’ll go. But let’s keep it short. I hate being away from him.”

  A soft smile turned the corners of his lips. “You’re a great mother, Dani. I’ve never said so, but I admire the way you are with him. Thank you for taking such good care of our son all these years. He’s lucky to have you.”

  The comment landed in her heart like a glowing ember, and spread warmth through her chest. Janna had told her the same thing on many occasions, but hearing it from Kevin …. “That means a lot to me. Thank you.”

  He reached over and smoothed a strand of hair off her forehead. “You’re
welcome.”

  ~ ~ ~

  “You didn’t tell me this place was upscale.” Danielle crossed her arms over her simple pink shirt, heat burning it’s way up her neck and into her face. The restaurant was small and intimate with candlelit tables and the enticing smell of bread and sauces thick in the air. The staff wore formal black and white uniforms as they delivered food and drink to well-dressed couples.

  “I’m underdressed.”

  “No you’re not. Look, that guy over there is wearing jeans.”

  Danielle looked the direction Kevin had indicated. “Jeans with a sports coat,” she whispered. “Doesn’t count.”

  Kevin sighed dramatically and shrugged out of his suit jacket. “Here, if it will make you feel better, you can wear my coat with your jeans. Then you’ll be dressed just like him.”

  A smile tugged at the corners of her lips. “Kevin, I’ll swim in your jacket.”

  He draped it over her shoulders and leaned down to whisper in her ear. “Don’t worry. I won’t let you drown.”

  Now it was her turn to roll her eyes. Kevin had always excelled at making corny jokes and pulling her out of a funk. She didn’t realize how much she’d missed his offbeat humor until that moment. The jacket settled around her, the fabric still warm from the heat of his body. The spicy scent of his cologne drifted up to her nose and left her feeling heady.

  The hostess stepped forward and signaled them to follow her.

  As they wound through the tables to a booth in a quiet corner, Kevin’s hand rested lightly on the small of her back. The intimate gesture felt right somehow, polite and protective without being too forward. She slid into one side and he seated himself on the other.

  After the hostess left them with menus, the waitress appeared with two glasses of water. She rattled off the specials and finished with, “I’ll be back for your order in a bit.”

  Kevin reached for a menu and smiled at Danielle. The booth seemed to shrink around them, enclosing them in a cocoon. They had never been alone for more than a minute or two since her return to Northwood. Trevor was always there, or a family member, or a nurse. She hadn’t been on a date in years. She wasn’t sure she remembered how to act. And this was Kevin. Doing everything right, not making a mess of this second chance, was so important.