by Nyla Ditson
“Amuse me, Celeste.” Sam’s Filipino-Asian face smiled smugly at me, not taking my comment too seriously. He has a bit of Hawaiian in him too. And right now his nationality’s trademark dark eyes were sparkling with mischief.
I sighed and criss-crossed my arms over my light blue Hollister shirt. Realizing my act of being “fine” was tearing at the edges, I forced a smile. “If you must know, snoop, I enjoy falling into bed at the end of a whirlwind day, knowing I’ve accomplished everything on my ‘to do’ list.” I thought for a moment and then added, “And I like words like swell and nifty.”
Sam laughed and scratched the side of his black spiked hair before leaning back. “It’s been a while since I heard someone say nifty.”
“That’s why I like it” I explained. “It might have been an overused adjective back in the day but now it’s original again. It’s fresh.”
Thinking of something else, I straightened in my seat. My Orange Julius almost toppled to the food court’s linoleum floor but I caught it. “There’s something else I absolutely adore.”
Sam eyes looked a bit too interested. “Oh, and what would that be?”
I twisted a strand of my hair, knowing this was going to sound stupid. But if I kept talking, my mind might not be able to focus on the tightening pain in my chest.
“At school, when I’m taking lecture notes, I just love taking them home and highlighting all the definitions,” I said, smiling and pretending to be thinking of a memory of doing so. “It just makes everything look so pretty, especially when I use multiple highlighter colours.”
“Nerd.”
Shrugging, I focused on his cocky grin and tried to ignore the longings for my dad that were assaulting me, making me dizzy with their intensity. “It’s satisfying knowing another step’s accomplished to gaining knowledge. And the more knowledge I retain, the closer my goals, degree and my dreams of being a doctor are to being reached.”
“I never thought I’d hear someone get so emotional about highlighters.”
Again, I ignored Sam’s playful teasing. Taking a final sip of my smoothie, I chewed on the side of the straw before adding more. “And I like my Magic Bullet,” I heard the lack of excitement in my voice and I tried to pump it up with the typical enthusiasm the old Celeste would’ve had. “It’s, like, the greatest invention in the history of mankind,” I frowned, adding, “Well, aside from the Swiffer and Berries and Paradise scented Febreze, of course.”
“Of course,” Sam nodded, trying to keep a serious face.
After we rose from the table, I tossed my empty cup in the trash. I waited for Sam to do the same and then we made our way out of the busy food court. When we passed Vanelli’s, I turned to look at Sam. “Did you get enough of ‘Celeste’s dislike and likes’ to hold you over for one day, Sam-o?”
I thought he would just laugh and poke me in the ribs. But he surprised me by shaking his head. “I have one more question,” he said.
“What?”
“Do you like me?” His lazy grin floated down to me from his six foot frame.
From the way his eyes took on a seriousness, I knew Sam’s question wasn’t as innocent as it appeared on the surface. My emotions took a nose-dive, the best distraction of the day hitting me square in the face.
I gulped.
Oh boy.
Chapter 8
Yawning, I added another item to my grocery list. Since I’d been in Abbotsford all weekend, my usual end of the week activities had been neglected. I didn’t go to my Friday movie and pizza night with Sam and Malaya, my Saturday morning Pilates class or my Sunday afternoon walk to Cooper’s Foods grocery store. That’s why after coming home from the mall, I ditched Sam and my homework in the name of feeding myself for the rest of the week.
“I hate it when my routine gets messed up,” I said out loud, adding skim milk, baby spinach and strawberries to my list. I stuck my pencil in my mouth to think, studying the fish bowl on the wooden bookshelf across from my kitchen table. My red Chinese fighting fish, Eleanor (named after the Roosevelt), was periodically swimming around the castle figurine that sat over a bed of fluorescent purple and blue pebbles. Fish have it so easy, just eat, sleep and swim.
I sighed.
What I wouldn’t give to have such a simplified life, just for a day.
Sam’s question at the mall played over in my mind. The only thing I could make out from it was tremendous relief. Not from the confession itself but from the shock it sent ricocheting through me. The unbearable feelings of regret hadn’t attacked me for over an hour. This was the first time I was grateful for an obligation like grocery shopping. It gave me an excuse to get away from Sam, to evaluate how I felt without his scrutiny. At this point, I’m not sure what to think. I had never thought of Sam that way before. Imagining us holding hands and kissing just felt weird.
Remembering I was low on breakfast foods, I jotted down Cinnamon Life and Kashi Go Lean Crunch cereal. I debated whether to plan my week’s meals or just head to Cooper’s Foods and throw random things in the cart. Planning required brain power that I wasn’t sure I had.
The phone on the counter rang, stirring me from my internal debate.
“Celeste,” my mom’s eager voice greeted me when I picked up. “I have some amazing news!”
“What?”
“Colbie passed his bar exam!” she exclaimed.
“Wow, that’s great,” I said, pushing my list away and moved to the wicker bowl chair in the living room.
“Colbie would’ve called you but his plane just took off,” mom explained.
“Where’s he going?” I moved the Self fitness magazine off the coffee table, stretching my feet out.
“To Abbotsford,” she said. “I’m picking him and Amy up at five.”
“They’re coming all the way from New York tonight?” I asked.
“Yes!” My mom’s happy squeal reminded me of a child being asked if they wanted ice cream. “They decided on the spur of the moment to come for a few days and celebrate.”
That’s the beauty of being a student and being married to a self-employed hairdresser. Colbie can leave the city on a whim. “I’ll try to make it out one night while they’re here, Mom.”
“Could you come tonight? I’m going to make reservations at Bob’s Bar ‘N’ Grill.”
I glanced at the grocery list on the table then thought of my book bag loaded with textbooks at the front door.
“Sure,” I heard myself agreeing. “I’ll meet you at the restaurant.” School and Cooper’s Foods could wait. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I didn’t see Colbie that often and this could possibly be the last time…
“I’ll make the reservation for seven. You can invite Sam and Malaya,” my mom’s pleased voice cut through my warped thoughts when she added coyly, “or Sebastian.”
I didn’t have the heart to erase her liveliness and say I’d rather come alone.
“I’ll see if they can come. I should be able to get them to come since it’s not that long of a drive from PoCo,” I said, using Port Coquitlam’s nickname. After chatting for a while about my classes, the strange fog in Port Coquitlam today and the upside down pineapple cake mom was going to make for Colbie, we said goodbye.
For a long time I stared at the blue living room walls. Dad would’ve been jumping up and down if he were here. Having a son follow in his footsteps would’ve made him so proud.
But maybe he is smiling down on Colbie from heaven.
My stomach tightened, the remark of Sebastian’s concerning my dad’s true location summoned in my mind’s memory. His comment always lurked, waiting to maul me with horrific images.
My own depressing faults soon replaced the memory of Sebastian’s words. Daddy, how could a person like you be in hell? You were such a good person. But Sebastian says only having a relati
onship with Jesus gets a person a ticket to heaven. And our family was never into the whole religion thing. I gave my head a small shake, to clear my head of the cruel images forming of a flaming hell. But I can’t think of the possibility you being in hell. I pulled my knees to my chest, pressing myself into the wicker chair’s back cushion. Even if it’s true.
A light hand on my shoulder wrenched me to an upright position. Sebastian wore a look of empathy as he spoke. “I didn’t tell you about your Dad so you could further infect your wound, Celeste,” Sebastian said as he pulled me into his chest and stroked my hair.
I took a handful of his shirt, breathing in shakily, my voice betraying my turmoil. “Then why did you?” I asked him.
“So you would know that there is more to death than a lonely grave and lifeless body.” Sebastian said, gently pushed me away. With the back of his thumbs, he brushed away the wetness pooling in the corners of my eyes. “Taking your own life has consequences. As I said before, your dad would never wish for you to be paid back, for an act you mistakenly performed.”
I held my breath, suffocating a hiccup. “How can you say that?” I cried when I could speak. “You didn’t even know my dad.”
“But I do know the nature of loving fathers and the One who created that nature,” he said.
Again I found myself in Sebastian’s sturdy arms, listening to his confident whisper. His sweet voice blanketed me with warmth. “And I’m certain your father,” he went on, “despite his views on God, did inherit a loving nature from the Father of Nations, if only a smidgen. Though to you and your brothers I’m sure it felt like a plethora of love.”
I held on tighter to Sebastian, the only one I allowed myself to come undone in front of. There was no use trying to conceal my emotions from a mind reader.
“How much does God love people?” I asked, pressing my slick cheek against Sebastian’s dark navy long-sleeved shirt.
Underneath his shirt I felt the pulsation of his heart for the first time. As seconds trickled by, the beat increased into a sporadic rhythm. Oddly, it was song like. When Sebastian finally replied, his words complimented the song playing beneath his chest like golden lyrics: “More than humans will ever comprehend.”
Then he kissed the top of my head, his heartbeat ceasing. I looked up in fear but he was still alive and well.
“My hope for you is that you’ll taste even a pinch of that love someday, Celeste,” he told me.
Swathed in my guardian angel’s arms, with the sound of rain pattering outside the sliding door, I betrayed my steadfast belief by longing, if only for a second, to feel that kind of immeasurable love Sebastian spoke of.
Even though I knew I wasn’t worthy of love anymore.
I was no longer a blubbering mess when I pulled in front of the town house Sam shared with two roommates.
“Try to be civilized,” I begged Sebastian, watching Sam run out the front door towards my car.
“Perhaps,” he said.
Resting my elbow on the door control panel, I wished Malaya hadn’t already made plans with her boyfriend, James. Her lively chatter would have kept the hour drive to Abbotsford from turning tense. Why I invited Sam, I don’t know. Especially after he practically declared his love for me today. I couldn’t make up my mind which would’ve been worse, being alone with Sam where he’d likely bring up his feelings again, an hour with Sebastian to speak of heart-wrenching topics, or an awkward drive with both of them present.
Option number three is what you got, so deal with it, I told myself, painting a smile on my face when Sam opened the back door. “Hey, Sam,” I said, trying to sound cheerful.
“Hey, Celeste… Sebastian,” Sam said.
Silence filled the car and I hastened to smooth the crinkles of stiffness. “So,” I snuck a look at Sebastian. Would it kill you to say two words to him? “I already know what I’m ordering at the steakhouse.”
“Steak?” Sam piped up from the back seat.
“She’s a vegetarian,” Sebastian told him flatly, casting an unimpressed look over his shoulder.
In the mirror above the dash, I saw Sam make a face. “I know, it’s called a joke,” he answered.
“Don’t go into stand up, you’d get pelted with tomatoes,” Sebastian said.
“Sebastian!” I cleared my throat then added, “I thought it was funny,” I met Sam’s eyes in the mirror. “But as tempting as it sounds, eating a once—adorable faced-cow-turned-slab-of-meat, I was thinking more along the lines of ordering their baked veggie quesadilla.”
“Sounds good, Celeste.”
Sam’s voice was friendly but I detected a hint of annoyance. Maybe directed at me for inviting Sebastian? Or at himself for getting in the car?
We passed endless trees with overgrown grass in between them. The Lougheed Highway was quiet, only fourteen cars passed us in the first twenty minutes of our trip. I should know, I lamely counted them. Without doing so I would’ve started to ramble. And who knows what dark thoughts might slip out if I did?
“Hey, Celeste,” I glanced in the mirror to see Sam’s eyes fill with mischief. “You never answered my question at the mall today.”
Oh God, please don’t do this to me, Sam. I don’t want to hurt you . . .
Sebastian rolled his head lazily from leaning against the window. “He’s not a mind reader, Celeste; better tell him that out loud.”
“Excuse me?”
I jumped as Sam’s head immerged between the front seats.
“Say that again?” he asked.
Sebastian gave Sam an once-over as if to suggest he wasn’t worth the time. “She doesn’t like you that way,” he told him.
I gripped the steering wheel. That wasn’t Sebastian’s information to tell. And I still wasn’t sure of the extent of my feelings for Sam. Especially when Sebastian’s arms felt so good around me…
Sebastian jerked his face back to mine and I was sure he was going to scold me for my thoughts. But then his fury turned to smugness and he turned around in his seat, patting Sam’s black hair.
“Sorry, she has feelings for someone else,” he said.
Sam eyed him suspiciously. “Who?”
I knew I should be watching the road better but the pain creeping into my best friend’s chocolate brown eyes had me in a spell.
Sebastian flashed him a pearly smile. “Me.”
I felt like a monster when Sam met my gaze, nodding but looking like he’d been punched in the gut. “I see.”
The rest of the ride was silent. At least for Sam. I made sure Sebastian got an earful. Why in the world did you do that? I glared straight ahead, knowing Sebastian could hear me even though he was pretending to sleep. Why do you have to hurt Sam like that? And how, I threw Sebastian a dirty look, can you be so positively smug about it?
Sebastian’s body remained still, the rise and fall of his chest steady. His face was turned towards the door so I didn’t know if his eyes were shut.
Fine, be that way. I focused back on the paved road and looming forestry on either side of it. But how can you be so incredibly sweet to me one moment and then barbarically monstrous to Sam the next?
I narrowly avoided hitting the back bumper of a passing car when Sebastian’s head whipped around. His eyes were surprisingly tinged with misery.
“Trust me,” he whispered.
But what did Sam ever do to you?
Sebastian’s eyes flickered to Sam who was staring out the back side window.
“He has his headphones in,” Sebastian informed me, turning around. I already knew that but wanted to be sure in case Sam’s music wasn’t loud enough to cover our conversation.
“Why do you have a personal vendetta against him?” I hissed.
Sebastian was slow to answer but I got the impression it wasn’t because he didn’t know wha
t to say but because he wasn’t sure if he should.
“I don’t,” he finally admitted.
You’re not making sense, Sebastian! You just shredded his confidence and now-
“Celeste,” Sebastian’s gentle voice made my heart flutter, my frustrations fade. “I care about you, okay?”
“Then why are you being so mean to someone I care for?”
“Because,” Sebastian told me as Abbotsford came into view, “I’m trying to prevent something from happening.”
“And what would that be?” I asked.
“The image of your best friend encouraging your suicide.”
Sam was subdued throughout dinner. Sure, he joked with Colbie and Nate and struck up lively conversations with my mom and Amy, but his eyes held a look of betrayal and confusion that I knew the others couldn’t see. I couldn’t blame him. All he’d ever seen of Sebastian was an ugly and controlling side. For me to have supposedly chosen Sebastian over Sam, probably made Sam feel like a pile of manure.
When our appetizer of sweet potato fries arrived, Nate made an announcement.
“Guess what happened at school today,” he said.
My mom set down her glass of Pepsi and said, “I can’t believe I didn’t bring it up before.”
She smiled, encouraging Nate to go on. I’m sure my mouth dropped when Nate smiled back. Peering at him closer, I realized he looked less angry tonight.
“What happened?” Colbie rolled up his shirt sleeve and reached for a fry. “Got yourself a girlfriend?”
“Even better.” Nate’s smile grew. “The head basketball coach got fired.”
Amy, who has long wavy blond hair that I’ve always been envious of, dipped a fry in honey mustard sauce and laughed. “And that’s a good thing, why?”
Nate set down his glass of Sprite, looking more alive than I’ve seen him in a month. “Because the new coach is letting me try out for the team, even though I missed tryouts,” he replied.
Colbie tousled Nate’s hair. “The team would’ve sucked without you,” he said encouragingly.