by Nyla Ditson
Nate got a faraway look in his eyes and then they darkened. I wondered what he was thinking about. Maybe Mrs. Lock’s suspension and how it almost cost him his chance at basketball this year? Chills covered my skin. Would my little brother ever do something to retaliate? Something awful? I still can’t believe he’d used the “N” word with his principal. Where his racist attitude came from, I didn’t know. All three of us were brought up to view other races as equal to ours.
My mom’s gushing reeled me in from my drifting thoughts.
“The new coach is pretty young but he knows his stuff,” she said. “Kalan’s already told Nate he’s going to make some phone calls so a few scouts can see him play.”
“What’s his name?” I asked, my breath catching in my throat.
“Kalan,” Nate answered then started talking about basketball drills with Sam.
When Sebastian bit his lip, I knew without a doubt that I had heard that name before and the idea that it was just a coincidence vanished.
“No,” I whispered under my breath.
“I’m afraid so,” Sebastian said turning to my mom as if speaking to her. “You must excuse me momentarily.” He rose and set his cloth napkin on the table. “I forgot my phone in Celeste’s car and I’m expecting an important call.”
When he was gone, Amy leaned forward, eyes dancing. “He’s so cute, Celeste!”
Still trying to wrap my brain around a demon taking interest in my baby brother’s life, I smiled weakly.
“And such a gentleman too,” my mom added, joining the conversation. “Did you see the way he pulled out the chair for her?”
Amy leaned into Colbie. “A keeper for sure,” she said. She looked up at my brother and tickled him under his chin. “Just like this one.”
Colbie kissed her nose and Amy giggled. The corners of mom’s eyes crinkled and Nate gagged. But Sam’s expression imprinted itself in my mind, making me forget all about Kalan. He’s probably thinking about me and Sebastian. From that devastated look on his face, I bet he’s picturing us kissing, like Colbie and Amy.
“Sam,” I said as I was about to scooch my chair closer to him when my mind clouded with Sebastian’s voice.
Are you coming out here or not?
Sam looked at me expectantly, hope visible in his eyes. “Yeah?”
But I had to find out about Kalan. “Uh, I’m going to go check on Sebastian,” I said.
Sam looked away bitterly. “Yeah, you do that.”
His cheerful face returned when he continued to talk to Nate and the sound of his pseudo-happy voice crushed me as I made the decision for real this time.
I chose Sebastian over Sam.
“Took you long enough,” Sebastian commented when I got into the car. I didn’t ask how he’d gotten inside, I’d had to unlock the door. “I thought you’d be pushing me out of the restaurant to explain about Kalan.”
I draped my arms over the steering wheel, watching a couple cross the dark parking lot towards the steakhouse. “Mom and Amy got talking to me and then…”
“Then Sam happened.” I looked at Sebastian in the dark, his body giving off a slight glow. “I know,” he said simply.
My mind felt spent, similar to how it did after an intense calculus exam in high school. “So Kalan isn’t invisible?” I asked.
“Right.”
I reached for the keys to turn on the heat. “The blueberry levitating in the air was just an illusion?”
Cold air blasted from the vents and my bare arms instantly covered in goose bumps. Sebastian removed his grey canvas jacket. It fluttered over my yellow baby-doll dress and I was instantly the perfect temperature.
I listened intently as Sebastian explained. “Though Satan and his minions resort to the art of trickery to imprison many, Kalan’s performance at your mother’s was authentic.”
“But only you and I could see him then,” I said.
I positioned my back against the window to face Sebastian, whose eyes were startlingly bright blue. The colour reminded me of glowing numbers on a clock in a dark room. “Hence the whole back tracking in time,” I reasoned. “So I’d see things from Nate’s perspective and get freaked out by Kalan’s abilities.”
Sebastian hit the window wipers to clear the start of rain sliding down the glass. “I hate to compare the two, but angels and demons both have the ability to appear visible or remain invisible to the human eye.” After a slight pause he continued, “Both types of supernatural spirits are usually the former but when demons come in human form, it’s not like I am now.”
He put his hand on the door. “We need to go back in.”
“Wait,” I reached over the console and grabbed his arm. “What’s a demon like in human form?”
Slowly, Sebastian turned and met my gaze. His eyes were tar black. “The only way they can be human is indwelt in a living flesh,” he explained.
The three deep fried sweet potatoes strips in my stomach threatened to come up.
Sebastian squeezed my hand. “Try not to dwell on it, Celeste.”
“Whose body is Kalan inhabiting?” I asked, unintentionally digging my nails into Sebastian’s palm.
“No one… yet.”
The nails pushed down harder. “You’re sure?” I asked, desperate to hear a confident “Yes.”
His hesitation cloaked me with an immeasurable fear, his next confession pulling the strings of the cloak to a suffocating tightness.
“He is purely demonic… for now.”
The day before Colbie and Amy were to fly back to New York, Mom came down with the flu. Since I drove to Abbotsford to spend the evening with them, I offered to stay the night and drive them to the Abbotsford airport in the morning. When we left the house at five, it the rain was only spitting. By the time we arrived and parked at the airport, it was a downpour.
I turned around in my seat. “Hey, Amy, can you pass me my purse?” I asked.
Still half asleep, my sister-in-law yawned and passed the bag to the front of the car.
Sitting in the front seat, Colbie laughed when I pulled out an umbrella hat and two mini umbrellas from my purse. “Celeste, when did you become a boy scout?” he teased.
I turned the windshield wiper dial one last time before turning off the vehicle. “With all this crazy weather we’ve been having in PoCo, you learn quickly to be prepared.”
Twenty minutes later, during goodbyes in the lobby, I had the sinking feeling that I might never see my big brother again. The realization triggered a deep sob as I hugged him.
“Whoa, why the waterworks?” Colbie laughed but his hug became tighter.
“I’m gonna miss you,” I said through my tears.
“Me too,” he said. “But Amy and I’ll be back at Easter and that’s only two months away.”
I forced myself to pry my body off his. “Yeah, I guess I’ll see you then,” I sniffed.
I felt like a dam about to burst when the voice inside my head added, maybe.
I watched my brother and sister-in-law until they went through to the luggage checks. I hugged my middle, trying to ward off the heaps of gloom raining down on me.
“Miss?”
I turned to face a Native American man wearing a security uniform. “I’m going to need to search your bag,” he told me kindly.
“Okay,” I handed him my purse without any questions. A month ago a man had brought a pocketknife into the airport and in the gift shop stabbed a woman who wouldn’t empty the cash register. It was routine to have sporadic bag checks now, even for those not flying.
I followed the man to a counter. He rifled through my burnt-orange Guess purse, looking amused as his fingers touched various items. “I think you’ve got everything but the kitchen sink in here,” he commented.
I shrugged, still feel
ing sad by Colbie’s departure. I silently watched the officer sift through my multiple umbrellas, bottle of sunscreen, scrunched up wind jacket, ChapStick, package of Kleenex, baggie of trail mix and a million other things.
“You from PoCo or Abbotsford?” the man asked.
“PoCo,” I replied.
“You look well prepared for all that erratic weather down there,” the man muttered unzipping the inside pocket where I kept my comb and feminine products. “Almost makes a guy wonder if it’s an appetizer to one hell of a storm.”
My cell vibrated and the man took it out. “I need you to answer this miss,” he said.
“Why?”
“Same reason tourists and frequent flyers have snapshots of airport floors on their cameras.”
“Right,” I took my phone from him, “explosive precautions”
I was too late to answer but the person left a voice message. I showed the officer I was turning it on and he handed me my purse back, waving me on.
Going to the window overlooking the dark runway, I studied the rain blurred glass as I listened to the message. My phone might as well have been a bomb. The icy voice quickly burst my sanity into flames.
“Sweet Celeste,” Kalan’s sneer burned in my mind as I pictured him saying the words. “Just wanted to tell you I’m looking forward to our next run in. I can already hear your delightful screams. The anticipation of seeing your blood pooling on the freeway and hearing the crunch of your skull, when it hits the pavement is almost enough to keep sleep at bay for eternity.”
Kalan’s cruel laugh exploded from the phone and from behind me. I spun around, my eyes darting frantically through the small morning airport crowd.
He wasn’t there.
Kalan’s voice oozed with a longing for evil and pain as the message continued, “And Celeste, pay no attention to Sebastian’s promises of protection. He is but a minor detail, one I fully intend on destroying.”
The line went dead.
Shakily, I removed the phone from my ear. Somehow logic found me and I thought to save the message to show Sebastian.
But my mail box was empty.
I don’t know how I got back home to Port Coquitlam without causing an accident. Speed limits and safe following distance didn’t enter my mind once. In a blur, I found myself parked outside my apartment, no steadier or calmer than when I was leaving the airport forty minutes ago.
Fumbling for the car door handle, I staggered out into the cold rain. The rain pelted me hard, my hair hanging in clumps against my face, clinging to my neck. I walked in circles around the parking lot for ten minutes, constantly asking myself if I was sure I hadn’t imagined the message. But the officer had heard the phone vibrating too. Finally, I collapsed on the curb outside my first-floor apartment patio gate. I hung my head in my hands, the sound of a dying animal ringing from the pits of my wounded soul.
Kalan’s description of me dying was chilling. But, wasn’t the idea of death that I’ve been flirting with in my thoughts all month chilling, too? But not that gruesome kind, I reasoned, sobbing harder. I want the painless way out. Even if I deserve a prolonged death.
I don’t know how long I sat there, hearing my pounding heart rip open and bleed with fear. Death was terrifying but even more so was hearing the wails of the battered and trapped girl inside me.
Suddenly, and thankfully, Sebastian appeared.
He sat down on the curb, his golden hair plastered to his face, his white t-shirt clinging to his chiselled chest. I felt his hand on my back. The eight small words he murmured were enough to calm the tremors in my body.
“Cry until you are out of tears, Celeste.”
I leaned into him, my shakes subsiding just like the rain was. Sebastian understood. He knew my pain, my remorse, and saw the reasoning behind my tears even before I’d said a word. And for that very reason something warmed in my heart. Not because of Sebastian’s embrace, but from my head finally connecting to my heart. Not only did I know it but I also started to feel it.
If there was someone special out there for me, it could only be the one who had seen me at my lowest, and willingly stayed and dried my agonizing tears, and held my trembling shoulders.
Someone like Sebastian, my guardian angel.
Chapter 9
The next two months were strangely but blessedly drama and demon-free. Valentine’s Day, the start of day light savings time and Saint Paddy’s all came and went. The strange weather settled down into a carpet of warmth for spring. Easter landed early in April and along with colouring eggs, eating ham, scalloped potatoes and fruit crumble with my family, I was also savouring the changing feelings blooming inside me.
Ever since that rainy night on the curb, my eyes now wandered over Sebastian differently. My daydreams now consistently included a peaceful life, with Sebastian by my side. Often, it felt like a supernatural wall had been put up in my mind to keep my consuming guilt at bay. I tried my best to keep my daydreamer thoughts to a minimum. I know Sebastian can hear my thoughts when he is allowed to and peculiarly he did nothing to stop my dreaming and growing affections. He either didn’t know them or he accepted them. What else could a girl with a crush think? Whereas he’d previously deemed such an attraction “inappropriate,” he now voiced no objection. Not even when people started assuming we were a couple, like my mom did when Sebastian accompanied me home over Easter Break. Of course I was not entirely sure of his feelings for me but there was no crime in hoping.
By the first week of April, we’d established a nice routine. I’d go to class during the day and come home anxious to be with Sebastian. I almost forgot Sebastian was an angel. Sometimes our days were jammed packed with standard “people” things. Sebastian helped me with my homework, accompanied me on my Sunday trips to Cooper’s Foods grocery store, and watched rented movies and episodes of 24 and Gossip Girl with me. He stunned me one night by making a mean tofu teriyaki stir-fry.
On weekends we would often read books in the living room, Nicholas Sparks for me and the Bible or something by C.S Lewis for him. Occasionally, Sebastian would join me for a morning run. Malaya was impressed when she caught Sebastian doing dishes one night.
From the outside looking in, one might have assumed we were married. But Sebastian left each night, telling me he didn’t want to tarnish my image. That was the worst, I dreaded being left alone with my thoughts, even after hearing his promise that he’d be nearby. Every night my day dream was interrupted with the reality Sebastian was an angel and I was a mere girl carrying a lot of guilt on my shoulders. During those times, my supernatural wall of peace in my mind would come crashing down. Having Malaya sleeping in the bedroom next to me was of no comfort. If anything, it was a frustration because I had to be careful to keep my sobs silent.
When Sebastian left, my fears and grievances would bubble to the surface, sometimes in the form of a nightmare. Always, it was the same. I’d watch the accident play out, from the eyes of the deer, helpless to do anything. But as soon as morning broke and I’d hurry into the kitchen, a wave of relief would wash over me when I saw Sebastian. Seeing him reading the obituaries at the table restored my calm in a single breath. I wasn’t alone now, the night was over for another day.
I still made time for Sam and Malaya. But with Sam, things were different now. I saw through his friendly charades. Try as I might, I couldn’t see around the wall that separated our once rich and vibrant friendship into something forced. Sometimes I’d catch him staring at me in class, a wistful look on his face. But I couldn’t be with him in that way; didn’t have any desire whatsoever. I needed Sebastian. I longed for the rays of relief he surged through my veins in my waking hours. That relief was addicting and the thought of having to do without him had the power to steal my breath. Sebastian’s presence was the only thing that could make Kalan’s threats fade from memory. He was the only one who had the abili
ty to make me not hate myself for my dad’s death. Sometimes the fragrance of serenity Sebastian gave off was so real I’d almost convinced myself I’d imagined the voice message from Kalan. And I almost forgot I ever entertained thoughts of ending my life.
But each night, when I was alone, I knew that notion of a guiltless life was false. My dependence for Sebastian to keep suicidal thoughts at bay convinced me. Hidden under lock and key, in a box stored in the darkest parts of me, I held my fear in a metaphorical box. I seldom acknowledged that I was still petrified what might happen if Sebastian ever left my side for a long term.
At least in the daylight my inner turmoil would stay tucked away. Though it wasn’t ideal, just seeing Sebastian in the morning then storing the image in my memory equipped me with enough stamina to head to class or out with friends for a few hours without breaking down. But if I had a choice, I’d have had him with me in the flesh 24/7.
Being around Sebastian rejuvenated me and enveloped me with a sensation of peace. Because of it, I was drawn to him, the craving for such feelings making me easily fall for my protector, my confidant, my saviour.
“I’m not your saviour,” Sebastian told me the next day, clicking off the TV and turning to face me on the couch. “I’m simply an advocate for the Saviour.”
“Sure,” I stood to fold the Navajo blanket, barely taking in the meaning of his words. The absence of the fierce raging war inside me caused my infatuation with Sebastian to deepen quickly. At times, it made for a one-track mind.
“Celeste,” he said, clearly wanting my attention.
I paused in between the kitchen and living room alcove, popcorn bowl in hand. Sebastian’s eyes looked torn, his voice pleading. “I’m aware your view of me has changed,” he cleared his throat. “I’ve overlooked it but I’ve decided it needs to be voiced. It just isn’t possible”
I set the plastic blue bowl on the stove and returned to the couch. “What are you saying?”