Angelic

by Nyla Ditson

  One searing hand grabbed my shoulder, another, pleasantly warm, clasped the other.

  “It is your power to choose, Celeste,” I heard a lovely voice murmur. “But know that once you jump there is no changing your mind. Death will not give you up a second time.”

  Kalan dug his sharp nails into my shoulder. “Don’t be a wimp, just jump. I promise you hell will be paradise, far better than heaven ever claimed to be with its streets of gold and constant singing.”

  “Silence, cunning demon!” Sebastian demanded. “Your false elucidations are preposterous.”

  Kalan snorted. “Her considerations of them show otherwise, Sebastian!”

  “You have led her astray, demon.”

  “It is not my fault God made His creations impressionable.”

  “It is called free will, provided by the Creator. For forcing love is not love.”

  Their quarrelling voices faded into the background. Swinging my other leg over, I balanced like Rose on the end of the Titanic and spread my arms up. The wind blew my hat off. I watched it zigzag through the air. It fluttered to the pavement then ripped to shreds as a half-ton truck tore over it. I took a step closer to the edge, peering over, letting my toes dangle.

  The free life Sebastian described sounded too good to be true. How could God offer me, a murderer, a life free of chains? A life that pardoned my past hideous deeds?

  I peered over the edge, inching my toes over more. It wasn’t that long of a drop. It would be over quickly.

  But… but what if it wasn’t? What if Kalan was lying? What if hitting the pavement would be enjoyable compared to what life after death entailed? It’s not like heaven would be accepting me. This time around I was pretty sure the door to hell would open.

  Images of licking flames, pits of lava and scaly red creatures from the park struck my mind. I saw their devilish grins and horrible yellow eyes as bloody murder filled screams rang in my ears from hell’s current occupants.

  Suddenly, I wanted off.

  Not by jumping. I wanted to go home. I wanted to think, to consider Sebastian’s claims about God’s abilities. I turned my body to climb back over.

  My foot slipped.

  “Celeste!” I heard a male voice shout.

  Panic rose in my throat as I clung to the top of the railing. My fingers, slick with sweat, didn’t stand a chance. In one moment I was hanging with my legs flopping over passing traffic, my fingers slipping off the blue wall. But I lost the battle. Digging my nails into the overpass, I screamed as I fell down the wall.

  A hand grabbed my wrist.

  “I don’t want to die!” I screamed hysterically, pounding the wall with my fist, hot tears flying from the corners of my eyes. “Help me, I don’t want to die!”

  Over and over I screamed, kicking my feet, desperately searching for something to hold on to.

  “I’m scared of hell, don’t send me there, even if I deserve it! I don’t want to go! Please, don’t make me!” I begged.

  Hands wrap around my waist. “Shhhh, you’re fine,” a voice reassured.

  I buried my face into red plaid fabric and sobbed. In all my shrieking, I hadn’t noticed being pulled up. My arms felt like someone had tried to tear them from their sockets. All I could picture was myself dangling in the air, moments from death.

  “Hey, it’s okay. I’ve got you,” Sam murmured, stroking my hair as I wept all over him. “No one’s going to hurt you now.”

  But I was the one who was going to do that. I was going to commit my second murder . . .

  Another round of sobs broke out before the first subsided. Wild weeping and deep moans blended together, escaping my mouth in unison. Lowering himself to the cement roadway, Sam pulled me into his lap. He cradled me in his arms, rocking me as I whimpered.

  Eventually I ran out of tears, my throat and lungs stripped from screaming. Weary beyond comprehension, I allowed slumber to creep in. Vaguely, I felt Sam lift me up, carrying me down the ramp way. As we walked into the cold night air, I felt him kiss my forehead and whisper three beautiful words:

  “Let’s go home.”

  Morning light seeped into the cracks of my crusted eyelids. Blinking, I rubbed my eyes and sat up. Aside from Malaya’s soft snores, the house was quiet. Looking down I saw I was still wearing my running clothes, though someone had removed my runners and taken out my pony tail. It felt weird being in bed without my PJs on.

  Then vaguely I remembered the night before. Suddenly I wanted the last twenty-four hours to be a dream. Spotting a yellow sticky note stuck to my shoe beside the bed, I leaned over and grabbed it.

  We need to talk. Don’t even think about skipping school today, Celeste.

  -Sam

  Sighing, I covered my face with my hands. How was I to explain yesterday to Sam when I could hardly wrap my own head around it?

  Vapours of unrelated thoughts and emotions swarmed in my head. I couldn’t think, couldn’t piece together what I should do. Last night was surreal, but today? Today reality had to set in. What if my emotions got the best of me again? What if I found myself on the ledge again, considering plunging to my death?

  What if I can’t find God and His gift of new life?

  “Celeste,” Sebastian’s voice broke into my thoughts.

  Slowly, I lowered my hands. “Sebastian… I don’t know what to do.”

  “I know. That’s why I’ve come.”

  I took the hand he offered and followed as he led me silently through the apartment hallway and out to the patio. I blinked at the rush of early morning sunshine as I watched Sebastian open the creaky wooden gate.

  “Come sit with me,” he said, patting the grass beside him that ran alongside the space between the apartment and the curb.

  “Okay.”

  The grass was warm on my skin, soothing like a mother’s touch. Feeling like the timing was right, I voiced something that had been troubling me. “Sebastian, why did you tell me to stay away from Sam? You said I might die and I still don’t get it.”

  He played with a strand of grass, rubbing the piece between his fingers. “Even though I knew as a guardian angel I am not to interfere with free will, I thought I might save you from Kalan’s plot in the park. I overheard his plans to take on Sam’s form and take you to the overpass.” Sebastian met my eyes, his face pained. Like a human, admitting mistakes did not come easy for this angel.

  “I had nothing against Sam, he explained, “only the demon who was going to use your friendship with him to deceive you.”

  Oh. I guess that makes sense, I thought to myself.

  “You made the right decision last night, Celeste,” Sebastian said softly, switching topics. “The same decision my last assignment thankfully chose as well.”

  Twirling a plucked dandelion between his thumb and pinkie, Sebastian absentmindedly looked across the parking lot. His voice was measured but dreamlike, as if reliving the past as he spoke. “Her name was Chanah and she, too, wished to end her life.”

  Grabbing at a handful of grass, I asked “How come?”

  “During the night, Chanah rolled over in bed and unintentionally killed her baby.”

  Allowing my exhaustion to take reins “Hadn’t she heard of a crib?” sarcastically slipped out.

  Sebastian gave me a quick side glance. “Chanah was alive in biblical days. Cribs were still centuries from conception.”

  “Oh.”

  Sebastian carried on, forgiving my rudeness with gentle subtleness. “Chanah went to great lengths to stay being a mother. She even accused another of stealing her baby. But God gave King Solomon the wisdom to settle the argument rightfully. Afterwards, Chanah felt so awful she devised a plan to escape her heartache. She planned to commit adultery and then brag about it so death by stone would come her way.”

  �
�Let me guess, you swooped in and gave her the same speech you gave me last night?”

  “Yes.” Sebastian threw aside the dandelion and pulled up one knee. “Except she got the speech in Hebrew.”

  Offering a weak smile, I asked, “Did she listen to your advice? Did she find that ‘new life’ you were telling me about?”

  Sebastian’s smile expanded the entire width of his face. “Yes, very much so.”

  “So she found God and la-dee-da-da… Happy ending?”

  “No, that’s just the beginning of Chanah’s story,” Sebastian continued. “You see, Kalan and I were both assigned her. When God has big plans for an individual, Satan can sense it. So that is why Kalan is so desperate to make sure you do not live.”

  I pulled another green strand of grass up from the roots. “So what is God’s plan for me, Sebastian?” I asked quietly, unsure if I really wanted an answer.

  “You will see, in due time.”

  Sighing, I flung the handful of grass towards the pavement. “Why do you look so sad when you talk about Chanah?” I asked.

  “It’s not the memories of Grace that does that, it’s the memory of what I almost did to her.”

  “Grace? I thought her name was Chanah.”

  “Chanah translates loosely from Hebrew into Grace. I often think of her as Grace. She is a prime example of what God offers, even to the most fallen of people.”

  I let his words settle in. Looking across the parking lot, towards the other apartments on my block, I wondered if anyone inside those buildings had even experienced this grace of God. I wasn’t exactly sure what grace was but it sounded… nice.

  Frowning, I scrunched my nose. “You said you almost did something to Chanah?”

  Sebastian nodded, his eyes clouding with pain. “Yes. Angels are not perfect, Celeste.” He scooted away from the curb so his back rested against the gate, allowing his legs to stretch out. Copying his stance, I listened with eager ears.

  “We angels are jealous of humans. You need a relationship with God but we don’t. Envy arose in me as I watched Chanah basking in her newfound friendship with God. Her face would light up as she called God her best friend. She seemed so happy. Regrettably, my jealousy turned to anger. I angrily shook my fist at all humans, hating them for passing up an amazing chance to have an extraordinary friend in their life. If I could have that intimate friendship with God that comes from knowing Him, spending time talking with Him, reading His words and trusting Him in all His ways, just like in people friendship… why wouldn’t you want to have a best friend? I would grab hold of that opportunity with both hands…” Sebastian’s voice trailed off again and I noticed he was shaking.

  Calming himself with a gulp of air he continued. “But angels do not need saving. We are made nearly perfect in God’s image. If it weren’t for the jealousy we would be entirely perfect. But God is the only one who is truly flawless.”

  I moved from the gate and turned so I was facing him, cross-legged. “What did you do to Grace? Or I guess, almost do to her?”

  Sebastian ran a hand through his golden hair then let his hand drop to the grass. “God allowed me to be filled with human emotion so I would learn that it’s not always as black and white for humans as I perceived. There are complications that keep humans from choosing God. Like not understanding and accepting that God loves them unconditionally and that He wants to be their best friend. I almost forfeited Grace’s life to Kalan’s cunning ways, because I was distracted by jealousy of God having a friendship with her. But God was willing to wait for it to be her choice. And He held her in His hands the entire time.”

  A bright smile suddenly replaced Sebastian’s sorrow filled expression. “I want you to meet Grace,” he said.

  I didn’t press for more answers. “Too bad I wasn’t born a few hundred years earlier,” I said.

  “Ah, you underestimate God, Celeste. Time travel is well within His limits.” Sebastian leaned forward and tweaked me on the nose. “The Great Shepherd does not have limits.” Laughing at his own words, Sebastian’s pulled me into a side hug. “I’m glad you chose to stick around. God has mighty plans for you, Celeste Evans.”

  Pulling away, I shrugged. “If you say so.”

  “I know so, He told me so himself.”

  “Then why can’t you just tell me?” I asked.

  “Patience, Celeste.”

  “I hate waiting,” I muttered but inside I felt the orchid of hope growing. Chanah’s outlook on life sounded a lot like mine. If God could take one woman, so completely lost in despair and darkness, then it was probably possible He could do it again.

  Sebastian laughed, reaching over to lightly ruffle my mop of windblown and slept-on hair. “More than probably, Celeste. It’s certain He can. It’s all up to you though. If you want Him to transform you and your life, all you have to do is ask. For the Lord once said, ‘Search for me and ye shall find me’.”

  For once, I wasn’t upset with Sebastian for reading my thoughts. I was about to ask him where I should begin “looking” for God when I heard the phone ringing inside the apartment. It was still early so I rushed inside. I didn’t want Malaya to wake up. I needed to continue my conversation with Sebastian, alone.

  Reaching the phone, I removed it from the hook. “Hello?”

  “Celeste, did you get my note?” Sam asked.

  “Umm, yeah.” I hoped Sam wasn’t planning to discuss last night over the phone right now

  Or ever.

  “Celeste, I need to talk to you before school today. Let’s meet at the Express early so we can chat. I woke up thinking I had the worst nightmare of my life. But then I looked down and there was blood on the shirt I wore last night…”

  I cut him off. “Stop, Sam. Just stop.”

  A deep sigh. “Can you just cut to the chase and explain, Celeste? I feel like I’m going crazy!”

  My sigh was an exact echo of his. “Trust me,” I told him, “sometimes I think it’d be easier if that was the explanation.” I hung up before he could reply and went to get ready for the day.

  Chapter 13

  Showered and changed, I pulled in to the West Coast Express parking lot with literally one minute to spare. As soon as he spotted me, Sam straightened up from leaning against his car and jogged over.

  “I thought I said come early, Celeste,” he told me with a frown, yanking my door open.

  “Uh…”

  “We need to talk about last night. It just wasn’t normal,” he said.

  The second I exited my car, Sam grabbed me by the shoulder. “And what the hell were you doing hanging from the overpass? I woke up in Lion’s Gate Park and decided to walk to your place. Two blocks later, I find you swaying in the air like you’re trying to kill yourself.”

  Sam’s hands clamped down on me hard. He lowered his face and searched my eyes. “Wait, is that what you were trying to do, Celeste?”

  My hesitation spoke volumes. Shrugging away from his touch, I scurried toward the waiting train. “We’re gonna miss our ride if we don’t get our butts on it, pronto.”

  Stunned, Sam followed me. Once we found our seats, I leaned against the window and pretended to sleep. Sam wasn’t buying it. With eyes clamped shut and ears picking up everything from the teenager’s iPod in front of us, to the old man snoring to my left, I heard Sam’s quiet question loud and clear.

  “Why?”

  Knowing I owed him an answer after he’d endured yesterday’s craziness, I turned from the window and said, “It’s a long story.”

  “We won’t be in Vancouver for forty minutes.”

  Looking down, I traced the thigh of my distressed jeans. Even though I’d made an effort to look normal, I figured Sam could still see the bags under my eyes. If not, I was confident that makeup concealer couldn’t hide the weariness in my voice. In my hear
t I knew my carefully chosen clothes and perfectly straightened hair couldn’t create the illusion I desired:

  Being perfectly fine on the inside.

  A gentle finger under my chin had me locking eyes with Sam. His chocolate brown eyes were full of confusion and pain. “Why would you want to die?” he asked.

  His usual carefree expression was replaced with a crushed one. It was in that moment I fully understood what Sebastian had told me earlier. Suicide wouldn’t only have hurt me, it would’ve devastated and killed my own loved ones. Feeling like a horrible person, I turned away from Sam. The passing scenery was easier to focus on than his eyes.

  “Okay, it’s personal, I get that,” I heard Sam whisper near my ear. “But I can’t just simply forget all that happened to us last night Celeste. I need you to explain some things but can I ask you one thing right now please?”

  Peeling my gaze from the window, I nodded.

  “Are you glad that I got there in time to stop you?”

  The answer bubbled up before I could even blink.

  “Yes,” I whispered, feeling the truth of the words sink in. I truly was grateful for Sam’s appearance on the bridge. Without his arms pulling me to safety, death would’ve claimed me. But I’m not ready for that yet. Not when I haven’t looked at all my options.

  “Okay,” Sam nodded, putting his arms around me. He didn’t say anything for the rest of the ride to Vancouver, just held me in his arms. I fell asleep with my head against his shoulder, feeling safe and immensely grateful Sam Kaeo was my friend.

  During Professor Engel’s sociology 101, neither of us was really listening to the lecture. Genocide was of little interest to me today. Sam shoved me another one of his notes.

  Last night really freaked me out. The more I try to figure it out the more unreal it seems.

  Spinning my pen between my fingers, I knew the conversation Sam wanted was inevitable. Anyone other than compassionate and gentle-spirited Sam would’ve pinned me to the ground and demanded I explain. But just because he was being laid back, probably because of the suicide thing, didn’t give me the right to take advantage of him. He was in the park with me so all this madness now involved him too.