Armed and Outrageous (An Agnes Barton Mystery)

by Johns, Madison

I know I should get one of those lifeline devices seniors wear, but I’m not that old yet. I knew a woman that had one, returned it, and fell a week later. She had to crawl to the phone. I shuddered, that won’t happen to me. I hope.

  I slipped my clothes off and folded them neatly in a chair. I can still wear them another day. It’s not as if they’re dirty. Not that I don’t have a washer and dryer, I do. It’s just another thing I don’t have time for. I’d much rather spend my days in the garden.

  I eased myself into the lavender scented water, and just as I started to relax, the phone rang.

  Grimacing, I reached for the phone, fumbling with it, nearly dropping it into the bath water. That’s what happened to my last phone.

  I leaned my head over the tub and put the phone to my ear.

  Before I even could say hello, someone started talking. “Aggie, are you okay?”

  I froze. Who is this? “I’m fine. Why?”

  “This is Andrew. When it took so long for you to answer... well, I just wondered is all.”

  Damn, how in the hell did he get my number? I suddenly felt more naked, if that made a lick of sense.

  “I hope you don’t mind that I'm calling. I know you were hoping William could supply you with a list of Jennifer’s friends. Unfortunately, William can’t help you with that. He didn’t want to admit how little he knows his daughter. Plus, William didn’t appreciate your insinuation that he’s cheating on his wife.”

  “Is he?” The sarcasm dripped from my words. Had I thought better of it, I would have made an effort to mask it, but that wouldn’t be me.

  “You haven’t changed a bit.”

  “It comes with the territory. No man that’s faithful to his wife gets so damn sensitive when you ask him if he’s cheating, unless he has something to hide.” I tried to think straight. “Is she Jennifer’s mother?”

  “No, she’s someone he hooked up with ten years ago after his wife disappeared. She’s quite a bit younger than him.”

  “What else is new?”

  “Now that’s not fair, Aggie, we’re not all like that.”

  He had a way of making me feel bad. “I’m sorry to hear about your wife’s death, Andrew.”

  “Thanks. I’m sorry I can’t help you further. Jot down my number in case you need to contact me.”

  I laughed, looking down at my bath water. Poking my toes up, I can see the wrinkles already forming. “I can’t right now.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’m in the bathtub that’s why not. I just got in here, and it’s where I plan to stay.”

  I heard static. I must have shocked him. Did he hang up? I hung up the phone, of all the nerve.

  The phone rang again, and I answered it. “Hello.” I grimaced when I heard Andrew’s voice. I certainly didn’t want to talk to him now.

  “Sorry about that, Aggie. I heard you say you’re naked in the tub, and I dropped the phone.”

  “Oh the horror, a seventy-two-year old woman naked in a tub.” I wished I could reach through the phone and strangle him.

  “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  I changed the subject. “So how exactly did Jennifer’s mother disappear?”

  “He said she ran off and left a note behind, so the police didn't need to get involved.”

  “Starting to sound like a coincidence? How did he get a divorce if she’s missing?”

  “It’s possible to divorce someone without them signing or being present.”

  “Did he get a divorce?”

  “Damn, Aggie. He’s married, I went to the wedding.”

  “You two are that chummy?”

  “I’ve handled some things for him through the years.”

  “Like what?”

  “I can’t tell you that, Aggie, you know that.”

  I frowned. “You’ll have to call me back tomorrow. If you have any useful information, leave a message on my answering machine because I plan on being out the entire day.”

  “Doing what?”

  “Don’t you never mind doing what. I’m on the case now, and I plan to see it through. I just wonder what else William is hiding.”

  “Be careful, Aggie. I’ll talk to you soon.” He hung up without giving me time to say another word.

  What in the hell does he mean talk to me later? I have no intention of talking to him again.

  I soaked in the tub, but I felt too hot now. I stood, being extra careful not to fall, and toweled off. I pulled my teeth out and plopped them into a denture cup. Dropping an Efferdent inside, I filled it with warm water.

  I padded into the bedroom, pulled my nightgown over my head and crawled into my bed. Pulling my blanket over me, I glanced at the clock and noticed it was only eight o’clock. No wonder I wake up so damn early.

  * * *

  I awoke at four-thirty to the sound of birds chirping. It wasn’t even light out yet, jeez. I didn’t sleep well, every time I looked at the clock only an hour had passed by. That’s the way it was all night. I couldn't stop thinking about Andrew. I berated myself because I knew there was no way he felt the way I felt, and even if he did, we were both too old to do much about it. Not that I felt old; I just hadn’t had thoughts like this in years.

  I swung myself out of bed, trotted into the kitchen, and made coffee. My head hurt like hell, and I popped two Tylenol, breathing deeply of the brewing coffee.

  Opening the curtains, I saw dense fog surrounded the house. Duchess chose that moment to join me and she rubbed her head against me, purring. I poured my coffee, and while stirring in my creamer, the phone rang. I picked up the phone and listened to a recording about my physical tomorrow.

  I forgot about the appointment. It seems like I have been forgetting about a lot of things lately.

  I smiled and walked to the couch and sat down, and turned on the TV, flicking through the channels. I laughed when I saw only infomercials were on, mostly male enhancements. If you aren’t getting any by four-thirty in the morning, chances are you’re not getting it, and no male enhancement product is going to change it.

  I popped in a DVD and watched a horror movie. It’s one of those movies based on a book by a popular author somewhere out east. I never liked his books much, but the movies always turned out to be pretty good.

  Hollywood created monsters never scared me much. It’s the real-life ones that do. There are plenty of monsters hidden behind smiles of seemingly normal folks. I still can’t shake the feeling that whoever killed the Robinson family may still live nearby. I wonder why they never caught the person responsible, although I had heard they reopened the investigation.

  Yawning, I drank my coffee going back for more. As I watched the movie, I realized how unrealistic it seemed. Something coming out of the mist seemed unlikely at best, but with the fog being so thick this morning – it may be best to keep myself indoors until it lifts. You can never be too careful.

  Chapter Seven

  I was jarred awake by the sound of someone pounding on my door, I struggled to rise and noticed the TV was off. I must have flicked it off, but I don’t remember when.

  Eleanor’s smiling face greeted me when I opened the door. I noticed her car parked precariously close to my Mustang – within inches. I silently prayed she didn’t swipe it; I would have heard that, I supposed.

  It felt hot outside and I noticed dark clouds hanging low. I hoped it wouldn't rain, which would make it even muggier, although how it could get any muggier, I couldn't imagine. I moved away and Eleanor stomped inside. Closing the door, I saw she wore a blue floral dress with white tights; at least that is what I thought they were at first.

  “Eleanor, are you wearing Ted Hose?”

  “Yes, the doctor had a nurse put them on me yesterday and to tell you the truth – I can’t get the damn things off, but I need to wear them because my legs have been swollen lately.” She pouted, “You don't want me to get a blood clot do you?”

  “Of course not, it's just... why didn’t you wear pants?”


  “It’s going to be ninety today.” She stood with hands on hips with a look of annoyance creasing her face.

  I wrinkled my brow. “What time is it?”

  “Noon.”

  “I need to throw some clothes on,” I said while walking away.

  I changed into beige crop pants and a short sleeve, jungle print shirt, pushed my feet into my white flats, brushed my hair, and tried to fill in all the spots where my hair was thinning. My hair had always been fine, but the last few years it had become thinner. The medications helped about as well as dousing it with seltzer water.

  I returned to the living room where I was greeted by the sight of Eleanor bent over searching through my refrigerator. She popped her head up. “Do you have anything to eat in here?”

  I walked over and pulled out leftover roast chicken and mashed potatoes, and made a plate for her, popping it into the microwave.

  She moved to retrieve it when the microwave beeped. She then carried it to the table where I had set a place for her.

  I sat across from her, gnawing on an energy bar while she ate the remainder of my food. I needed to get some groceries. “I'll have to drive to East Tawas to Walmart before long, but it's summer and tourism's in full swing.”

  “Traffic will be horrible, one of the reasons I haven’t gone yet,” Eleanor said between bites.

  “I suppose you want to go to that back door store today, eh?”

  “You promised,” Eleanor said and nodded.

  I waited for Eleanor to use the bathroom and wash her hands, which took another fifteen minutes. She walked back wearing lipstick, a God-awful color too, bright red. She hardly had the complexion for it. She had it smeared well past the line of her lips. I handed her a tissue, so she could dab it, but it didn’t look much better. I shrugged, thinking God help anyone who dared make a comment.

  We walked out the door, and I locked up. I held my hand out, waiting for Eleanor to put the keys into my hand, which she did with some reluctance.

  I walked past my car hoping it had no scratches or dents. When I saw it didn’t, I sat in the car and backed out the driveway.

  “Hump,” Eleanor muttered. She sounded like a spoiled child sometimes.

  “What?” I asked.

  “You don’t trust me. You thought I hit your car.”

  “I trust you, Eleanor, it’s your lack of driving skills that bother me. I hope you didn’t mow down anyone on the way over here.”

  “Meaning?”

  “You shouldn't be driving.”

  “And why the hell not, may I ask?”

  “Your eyesight isn’t the best for one, and you have the reflexes of a sloth.”

  “Oh, of all the nerve, Aggie, really. Like you’re so perfect. Who your age drives around in a hot red Mustang?”

  She is really burning me. “Do you want to go or not? If you keep arguing with me, I’ll just turn this car around and go back home.”

  “Okay, mom!” Eleanor chuckled.

  “Where is this place because I certainly never heard about it before?”

  “Keep driving, and I’ll tell you where to turn.”

  I drove a few miles and across from the bend on US 23 stood the bikini shop, named “Bikini Shop.” How original. We parked up front and just when we stepped out of the car, I saw Dorothy Alton drive by, mentioned it to Eleanor, and she gasped while I added, “Oh great, I hope she doesn’t know what this place is. Why in the hell are these sorts of stores on the main drag? I bet nobody knows about the backdoor because it would be closed up quick, like the bed and breakfast that turned out to be a swingers club.”

  Bikinis hung from racks outside with the blow-up rafts and other assorted toys. This seemed more wrong all the time; I shuddered to think what other kinds of blow up toys they’d have inside ... perhaps in a closed-door room.

  We walked inside and began to move the bikinis around the racks as if we planned to buy one. I think the cut off for wearing a bikini is forty, younger for anyone who'd had a C-section.

  A young woman with flowing blond hair approached us. Her golden skin had quite a glow to it. I wondered if she had oil on it, and the unmistakable odor of cocoa butter settled the argument – tanning lotion.

  Eleanor held up a pink with white polka dot string bikini with a thong bottom. “Miss, do you have this in my size?” Eleanor asked with a straight face.

  The girl’s eyes became large. “I-I don’t know, but I don’t think ... so.”

  “Oh, I see this is some kind of discrimination then, is that it. There’s plenty of plus sized people that need swimwear too.”

  I decided to step between the two women before this got ugly. I leaned forward. “We’re here because we would like to purchase from the back room.”

  The girl’s eyes darted back and forth, and I just knew she wished she were anywhere but here.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  I firmly said, “You don't sound convincing dear, and you look ready to swallow your tongue, which, while my friend and I would find amusing, would bring a shitload of paramedics down on your store. You know if Sheriff Peterson found about your back room, he'd lock this place up. You know how small minded people can be in small towns.”

  “I’m not sure why you two would want to go back there, your both so ... “

  “Old? Were you gonna say, old?” Eleanor snapped. “You think older gals don’t like to have a little fun.”

  “Are you two together, I mean like a couple? I’m not one to judge, but you two look like an odd pair is all I meant.”

  “You have no idea how right you are child,” I said, stifling a laugh.

  “Remember the first time we made love, Agnes?” Eleanor asked me.

  “You were drunk. How could you remember anything?”

  “Oh my God, I can’t believe you said that, and after all these years.”

  Eleanor threw her hands upward as if calling on the rapture. I declared, “Eleanor, I know what you're thinking, and you'd best hope the rapture isn't upon us 'cause you'd be going to Hades!”

  “Follow me then.” The young woman walked towards the back, pulling the beads aside that hung covering the door. It reminded me of the sixties.

  Five girls looked up and hastily put whatever they were holding away, and they all retreated out the door.

  “We sure know how to clear a room, don’t we, Aggie?”

  I pulled a picture from my purse and handed it to the sales clerk. “Have you seen this girl here ... ever?”

  The girl took the picture and started laughing. “Of course, her name is Jennifer. She came in with some friends last week. Why?”

  “She’s missing.”

  “Oh god,” the girl said. “She’s the one I read about in the paper.” She frowned. “That’s just awful. Are you like family?” She handed the picture back to me.

  “I’m looking into her disappearance is all. If you have any information that you can remember, it may be helpful.”

  “None that I can think of offhand, but the owner will be in soon, and she could help you. She spent a lot of time with them while they were here.”

  “Thanks, we’ll just browse until the owner gets here.”

  I joined Eleanor. She had busied herself staring into a glass case like a kid in a candy store. Most of the toys were in glass cases with boxes of items along the back wall.

  I read the name of the company off one box, Fun Factory, what an odd name for a company making sex toys.

  “Look, Eleanor, these are all made by Fun Factory.”

  Eleanor giggled. “I see that, Agnes.” She tucked her chin with a sheepish grin on her face. I think that’s the closest to blushing I'd ever seen Eleanor look.

  “Fun Factory is all about fun because if it’s not fun, it would be named something else, like the Non-fun Factory,” I said.

  “I think it’s a fitting name,” Eleanor agreed.

  I saw massagers. I think that sounded like a better name. Maybe I am old-
fashioned because the word vibrator sounds too dirty.

  They have a wide variety of items. Many looked like animals in vibrant colors, hot pink, green, and purple. I’m quite sure if you used most of them too much that’s what your skin would look like: purple. That could make an interesting conversation with the doctor tomorrow.

  Eleanor was giggling over in the corner, and I saw why. She was holding what they called a pink banana. It looked so pretty too.

  “Look, Agnes, it says on the package that you can boil it for sanitation purposes.” Her belly shook and tears rolled from her eyes. “Imagine someone coming over and looking into the pot and wondering what you’re cooking.”

  “Serve 'em right for being so damn snoopy.”

  Eleanor agreed, adding, “I can think of a few friends who I’d love to pull that kind of prank on!”

  I found more items of interest like a green wormy, and held it up for Eleanor's inspection. “What exactly you’d do with this I have no idea.”

  “And I’m pretty sure I don’t care to know either, dear!” Eleanor grimaced.

  I busted out laughing when I saw the rubber ducky massager. They even had one dressed in S&M clothing. That would make taking a bath to another level. I saw a rubber whip Jr. in vibrant colors. I wondered if smacking Eleanor with one would keep her in line. I doubted it. Knowing her, she’d love it. She was so incorrigible.

  Then I spotted an item I knew I had to have, a lipstick vibrator. It’d be easy to conceal and who would ever know the difference.

  I picked my items and pulled Eleanor with me as we went to the counter and made our purchases. I saw a woman walking in, the owner, by the way she bolted behind the counter.

  She smiled at us like women of our age were in here all the time.

  “Excuse me, but are you the owner?” I asked.

  She rubbed a hand through her cropped hair and nodded. Her expression was sober. She thinks we’re here to cause problems, I can see it in her eyes, I told myself.

  I flashed her Jennifer’s picture.

  “I heard she disappeared. What do you want to know?”

  “Your employee said you spent a lot of time with her while she was here.”