Stripped Bare: A Novella

by Stewart, Lynsey M.

  ‘No! When we met he worked in a call centre in Telford. What the fuck?’ she said, laughing. ‘He certainly wasn’t that well defined either. He’s beefy. His body was good but nowhere near that good.’ My stomach twisted before doing a descent to my feet. ‘How do you go from an office job to stripping? It’s a mind fuck. Great story to put on social media though. The little what’s on your mind box never seemed so significant.’

  ‘You’re going to put it online?’ I asked, horrified as she clapped her hands together and reached for her phone.

  I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience, not quite aware of my thoughts and feelings but understanding that this conversation was going to affect me in some way. She was talking about my Ethan. Describing a relationship that wasn’t ours, but theirs.

  ‘How did you meet?’ I pulled up a chair and dropped myself down. The weight of the evening taking its toll on my body. Did I really want to know all the tiny details? Tiny details often led to big details and the big detail to this story would be Ethan’s cock and I wasn’t sure I needed to know what she thought about that. Or God forbid, give me a rundown of their sex life by giving him a score out of ten.

  ‘On a night out. It was my friend’s birthday,’ she replied.

  ‘What were you doing in Telford anyway?’

  ‘My dad moved there when my parents separated. I stayed with him most weekends. Mum stayed here so I split my time between the two.’ I nodded, unsure where to go next and if I really wanted to do this. Curiosity won over.

  ‘How long were you and Ethan together?’ I asked.

  ‘Not long. It wasn’t a love story of epic proportions,’ she replied, scraping the spoon across the sides of the bowl to get the last of the honey.

  ‘Did he…make the first move?’ Why was I going there? Mental torture didn’t feature high on my list of things to do today.

  ‘He was really sweet. I saw him watching me, but every time we made eye contact he looked away, took a big drink,’ she laughed. ‘He was nervous, twitchy. I went over, we got talking and I got hooked by his dimples.’ She poked her fingers into her cheeks and smiled.

  ‘Yeah. He’s got…dimples. Lovely. Great.’ Kill me now.

  ‘Don’t get me wrong, he’s a really nice guy, but he was a mess.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I asked. My phone vibrated across the table. I lifted it up and read the message.

  Heart crusher: Are you seeing anyone?

  Me: No

  Heart crusher: OK

  Heart crusher: Are you talking to Julia?

  Me: Yes

  Heart crusher: OK. That’s worrying

  Heart crusher: Glad you gave me the right number though

  Heart crusher: Even more glad that you aren’t seeing anyone

  Me: That doesn’t mean I’m going to see you

  ‘Oh God,’ Julia said. ‘Where do I start? He was pining for his ex-girlfriend. I didn’t know at first. We went on a couple of dates, but he was so distracted. Always looking over his shoulder like he was…looking for someone.’

  I got up and put the kettle on. I always craved a strong cup of tea when I needed comfort.

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘After one of our dates, he dropped me home,’ she replied, getting up and dumping her bowl in the sink. ‘I invited him in. One thing led to another and we–’

  I wasn’t prepared for the onslaught of feelings that hit me like a tidal wave.

  ‘La, la, la, la!’ I put my fingers in my ears and squeezed my eyes shut. This conversation was only confirming what I already knew. I wasn’t over Ethan. I still loved him and probably always would.

  ‘Amy! What’s going on?’ Julia asked as I felt her arm around my shoulders.

  ‘I can’t hear it. Don’t tell me anymore, OK?’ I shrugged her off and disappeared into the living room. She followed behind me, a look a confusion before a look of understanding crossing her face.

  ‘You’re her,’ she said. I crossed my arms, feeling vulnerable. ‘It makes sense now. Fuck! He talked about you constantly. After we…you know…he couldn’t get out quick enough. Grabbed his clothes and made a run for the door. I stopped him and he told me he’d made a huge mistake. Not something you want to hear when you can still feel him between your thighs.’

  ‘La, la, la, la, la!’ My fingers returned to my ears as my heart clunked like a stone.

  ‘Come here,’ she said, pulling me down onto the couch. ‘Is this the first time you’ve seen each other?’

  ‘For a while,’ I replied.

  ‘Fuck.’

  ‘We split because he wanted to experiment.’

  ‘And to find out he wasn’t just with you because of the pact,’ Julia said, flooring me.

  ‘How do you know that?’

  ‘I bumped into him a few weeks later. He told me everything, said he’d been trying to call you but you wouldn’t answer. He was in such a state, Amy.’

  ‘Ethan came to my parents’ house a few times after we separated. I refused to see him or told my dad to say I wasn’t home. I ignored every text, deleted every message without listening to them and essentially cut him out of my life completely. He didn’t give up easily, but eventually the messages started to dwindle and he no longer came to the house. A year later we were attending a wedding with different partners.’

  What a mess.

  ‘He told me he was still in love with you. Always would be,’ Julia said. ‘I couldn’t argue with that. How could I? I was still pissed as hell though.’

  ‘I can understand,’ I replied. ‘You must have felt used.’

  ‘Nah. To be honest, I was more concerned that I’d never get my hands on his perfect cock again.’

  ‘La, la, la, la, la!’

  Julia pulled my fingers out of my ears, still laughing. ‘I’ll get you that tea.’ A second later she threw me my phone and smirked. ‘Heart crusher wants you.’

  I checked his messages.

  Heart crusher: If you’re not seeing anyone you might as well see me

  Heart crusher: Unless Julia has put you off

  Heart crusher: Which I get…

  Heart crusher: Maybe it’s just reminding you of how much of a dick I am

  Heart crusher: How much I hurt you

  Heart crusher: How much I fucked up

  Heart crusher: I can’t give up though

  Heart crusher: I’ll keep trying

  Heart crusher: Because I think we’re worth it

  Heart crusher: Enough time has passed

  Heart crusher: How about tomorrow night?

  Heart crusher: The weekend?

  Heart crusher: Next year sometime?

  Heart crusher: I’ll wait

  I couldn’t help myself.

  Me: Aren’t you wiggling your cock in a bride-to-be’s face this weekend?

  Heart crusher: No…

  Heart crusher: I’ll be wiggling my cock in the face of a forty-year-old birthday girl…

  Me: I can’t believe you!

  Me: What happened to the little boy who wouldn’t even pee up a tree unless I turned my back?

  Heart crusher: To be honest, I would still probably get you to turn your back if I was peeing up a tree…

  Heart crusher: I have limits…

  Me: Of course you do…

  Heart crusher: Has Julia stopped her character assassination yet?

  Me: You deserve it

  Heart crusher: Wasn’t my best moment. Not any of it.

  Me: Was it really a mistake?

  His response was immediate.

  Heart crusher: Losing you was the biggest mistake of my life

  Me: She said you were a mess.

  Me: She said you told her you were still in love with me

  Heart crusher: All true

  Me: You’re an idiot

  Heart crusher: Ouch

  Heart crusher: But once again, true

  Heart crusher: I’m so sorry

  Heart crusher: I tried to talk to you. Apologise. Tell you t
hat I needed you more than I needed air

  Me: I should have let you in, heard you out.

  Heart crusher: You were hurt

  I tapped the phone to my chin, contemplating my next message. The one that could change everything. The message that could lead us back to each other or confirm we were never meant to be.

  But I owed it to us, to myself, to give it a chance.

  Me: I’d like to meet

  Me: To get to know you again

  Me: Because I feel like I don’t know you anymore

  Me: Do you know how hard that is?

  Heart crusher: You know me better than anyone

  Me: I’d like to know more

  I fiddled with the phone, tapping on the screen between the cracks. Changing the name I had entered when he gave me his number earlier that evening.

  Another text came.

  Ethan x: I think that’s the best message I’ve ever received

  Chapter 7

  It was a rare kind of English summer day. The one you couldn’t go searching for, it just arrived and you were grateful. Squinting at the sun as I put on my sunglasses, I remembered those rare days from my childhood. The ones where my parents would wake me up excited, pulling the covers back in one tug because we could go to the seaside for the day and not freeze on the beach like we usually did.

  It was good to feel the sun on my skin. A day like this immediately put me in a good mood, which I was thankful for after the morning I’d had. Gail and Sarah had quizzed me over coffee about my wild night with Mr Love Truncheon and by midday my last nerve had been grated and finally snapped, resulting in my shouting at them manically, ‘He’s not a piece of meat!’ When flowers arrived with a card simply stating, ‘I’ll tell you more, love Ethan,’ a reference to the ache I expressed of feeling like I didn’t know him anymore, they raised their eyebrows, folded their arms and the onslaught of questions began again.

  I walked over to the park across from the office, dodging the sandwich sellers and people too busy to look up from their phones as they grabbed lunch. I spotted mum immediately. She was in our usual spot, her arm draped across the bench, legs crossed, bag at the side of her on the floor. She came by train and met me for lunch once a week. It made my heart happy to know that she would take the forty-mile trip just to spend an hour with me. She often fed the birds as she waited for me, and as I got closer I could hear her singing, ‘Feed the birds, tuppence a bag.’ This week, she had a gingham table cloth folded up into a square with some tinfoil packages placed on top. Although she came once a week, I couldn’t help but think that this visit was perfectly timed. Only a few days after bumping into Ethan and she was keen to meet up as soon as possible. The woman was a complete gossipmonger.

  ‘Hi, Mum,’ I said, as I wrapped my arms around her neck from behind and kissed her on the cheek. She grabbed my hands in mock surprise and laughed.

  ‘Hi, beautiful. How are you? Sit down. Tell me your news.’ I walked around the bench and sat down beside her. She handed me an egg sandwich from one of the tinfoil parcels. It reminded me of family picnics when I was four-years-old. Images flooded of me running across the field at the back of our house and laughing. The fresh smell of cut grass and warm air instantly taking me back.

  Ethan was there too. Of course he was. My memories always led back to him. Like a revolving door.

  ‘You have a hidden agenda,’ I said, squashing my mouth together as I watched her trying to contain herself. ‘You’re practically giving off a vibration.’

  ‘No, not at all,’ she replied, her leg bouncing. I watched as she bit her lip, smiled broadly and pulled in her lip again. I didn’t have to wait long for my suspicions to be confirmed. ‘So, I saw Ethan’s parents yesterday. They said they’d seen him Sunday. He came for lunch.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Um-hmm. They said he was doing fine. Really well, actually. Seemed to have a spring in his step, a smile on his face, a–’

  ‘I get it,’ I replied, stopping her mid-flow. ‘You’ve come to get my side of the story. To see if I’ve got the same spring.’

  ‘No. Not at all. You may have a jaunty little step in your stride but it could be that you’ve finally mastered the phones.’

  ‘Ha. Ha.’ I took a bite of my sandwich and watched as she tried to assess my mood and plan her next tactic.

  ‘I hear you’re fully up to date with his new…profession.’

  ‘Saw the root with a side of ball,’ I replied nodding.

  ‘Oh my Christ.’

  ‘It was a bit of a shock to say the least. I had no idea.’ Mum stroked my back and smiled sheepishly. ‘I mean don’t you think it’s weird? I can’t connect the two or even think why he would have chosen to do this as a career.’ I stopped as I realised she was quiet and was fiddling with her hair nervously. I tapped my fingers on my chin. ‘You knew, didn’t you.’

  ‘Sylvia may have mentioned something in passing.’

  ‘Mum! Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘You were trying to get over him. I thought I was doing what was best.’ I thought for a second, taking in her words. How would I have reacted if she had told me in the earlier days of our split? What would I have done? Probably nothing because it would have reignited everything and completely dashed all that I was trying to achieve. To forget about him and move on. I needed complete radio silence and hearing he had embarked upon a career change as a stripper wouldn’t have helped my plans.

  Mum was looking cautious, her brows drawn together, the lines deepening across her forehead. I laughed lightly and she took the cue, smiling as we shook our heads. ‘It was the right thing to do,’ I said.

  ‘I know that,’ she replied. ‘Even when I found out he had moved not far from you I decided to keep it to myself. As your mum, I know you better than anyone. You’ve always had a little part of your brain missing. I put it down to your dad smoking weed on the odd occasion.’ I choked on my egg and cress sandwich. ‘It must have caused some damage to his swimmers. Created a hole in the head, torn the tale, I don’t know, I’m not an expert in sperm. What I’m trying to say is that you always seemed to think that showing your feelings was a sign of weakness. You removed yourself. Closed yourself off. Remember when Spot died?’ Spot was my parents’ dog. He was already old when I was born. The equivalent of one hundred and eighty in dog years. I was nine when he died, and I chose to completely ignore the fact that he had gone. The morning we found him forever asleep on the rug in the living room, I stepped over him and turned on the TV. ‘You blanked everything out including the little funeral we had for him in the back garden. We were digging a hole and traumatised, and you were baking flapjacks in the kitchen.’

  ‘It was my way of coping,’ I replied, uneasy and trying to calculate how much I would need to spend in therapy sessions as I was quite obviously emotionally dead.

  ‘When you and Ethan went your separate ways, it didn’t come as a surprise when you announced you were moving away. I was expecting it to happen sooner than it did.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Ethan expected it too,’ she replied. ‘Because he knows you as well as I do.’

  ‘Knew me,’ I corrected. ‘He doesn’t know me anymore.’

  ‘Rubbish. That’s your little coping mechanism telling you that,’ she said, tapping the side of her head. ‘The voice that you’ve trained to help reason out the decisions you’ve made. You two practically grew up together. You know each other inside out. Yes, mistakes were made–’

  ‘On his part,’ I reminded her. ‘Not mine.’

  She turned her body to me and took a deep breath. ‘He used to come and see me quite regularly after you split, even after you left. He said to me once that you were creating distance by leaving and he had to respect that. But he believed that one day you would find your way back to each other. He made me think. Made me think a lot actually. Your dad and I were childhood sweethearts. We broke up at around the same age as you and Ethan.’

  ‘I didn’t know th
at.’ My parents had always been blissfully happy. I never questioned that there were moments in their lives when that wasn’t the case.

  ‘We were brought back together in an…unforeseen way.’

  ‘You also discovered Dad was a stripper and he almost took your eye out with his thong?’

  She laughed. ‘No. I had a flat tyre on the ring-road. He was passing, stopped and helped. Said it was the smudge of oil on my cheek that reignited the flames of passion.’

  ‘Jesus.’

  ‘What? He has a fire, Amy.’

  ‘That’s all well and good, but as your daughter, I didn’t need to know that.’

  She took my hand, still smirking at her own jokes before turning serious. ‘I knew that you and Ethan would always have a connection. You had such a strong foundation for a relationship that could be amazing. Friends to lovers. How beautiful is that? So, I decided to take a chill pill.’ I snorted at that. ‘In other words, I had to trust my instincts. If you’re really meant to be, like I believe you are, you’ll find your way back. I didn’t think it would be after his thong nearly took your eye out. Could have been more romantic.’

  ‘So, what you’re saying is I need to forget about the landslide of hurt he caused and sidestep the fact that he’s working as a stripper and give it another go?’

  ‘Amy Chadwick, why are you bamboozling your mother? I know for a fact that you have arranged to meet Ethan for a meal this week, and yesterday you spent approximately three and a half hours on the phone with him. That indicates to me that you’ve already made your mind up about forgetting the landslide of hurt and have already started sidestepping the fact that he takes his clothes off for a living.’

  Damn those weird families that are interconnected and know everything about each other five minutes after it happens.

  ‘I’ve decided to meet him. That’s all. It’s very casual. I didn’t want it to feel like a date so we’re meeting early evening. If I do decide I want to see where things go, then I’ll make him work for it.’