Lessons of the Heart

by Jodie Larson

  You don’t have to do this. Please stop this nonsense and come back to me. We can work this out. I can’t stand by and watch you be the martyr. It’s too painful. I don’t know if I can bear it.

  I love you with all my heart. You are my life, my beloved, my promise that I will keep.

  Forever loving you,

  James

  Tears fall onto the paper, narrowly missing the words he has written underneath my own. I carefully fold it and place it gently in my purse, tucked away where no one will be able to see it. He’s in pain and it’s my fault. But I need to fix this, need to make this right for us. He called me a martyr. And maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m sacrificing myself for our relationship to survive. But it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make because I vowed to protect him and that’s what I’m going to do, even if it kills me a little more each day to do it.

  I CALLED IN SICK TO school on Friday. I couldn’t handle being there and pretending to be someone I’m not. Chase called me right away, of course, to make sure I really was sick. So I did my best impression of a dying woman and he bought it, but told me he’d be by later that night to check on me. James was checking on me too but in the only way he could, through text message. Seeing his name appear on my phone had me breaking down in tears again, although that implies I had stopped crying at some point. Ever since last Thursday I haven’t stopped crying. He called me his promise. That broke me inside.

  I promised to be there for him and look at me now.

  I told my parents that I didn’t feel like going anywhere this week, not even to Penny’s house. They didn’t quite understand and have been hovering a bit more than usual. After I had told Mom that it was over a boy, she understood and backed off.

  Knock, knock, knock.

  I press the book against my chest as I reluctantly lift my eyes to see who it is. Not just any book. It’s Rebecca, the book that James had read to me a few months ago on our official first date. He gave me his precious first edition even after I protested that I couldn’t take it. He said it was a way for us to be together when we’re apart. As long as I’m reading it, it’ll be like he’s reading it to me. And he’s right. His voice is all I hear as I read each and every page.

  A head pokes through the small opening of the door. “Britt?” my brother asks before fully coming in.

  “Yeah, I’m here,” I say and pick up my book again.

  He takes his usual place on my desk chair, leaning back so he can kick his feet up on the end of my bed. I push them off with my foot. I don’t need him here, trying to cheer me up. I’m perfectly content being alone right now. Just me and my book.

  “What can I do? I don’t like seeing you like this.”

  I place my bookmark between the pages before shutting my book gently. “There’s nothing you can do. Chase has won and I just have to wait it out until the end of the year.”

  “Assuming that he’ll let you go even then.”

  My shoulders slump more and I grow quiet. “I hadn’t even considered that.”

  Liam is quiet for a moment. I can’t believe I never even considered the possibility that Chase would never let me go. Setting my book down on my bed, I press the heels of my hands into my eyes, trying to push the wave of sadness away.

  “This hurts Liam. It hurts so damn bad,” I somehow manage to choke out.

  The bed dips and he slings his arm around my shoulders. He rests his cheek on top of my head and rocks us back and forth like mom used to do when we were kids.

  “I have a way to temporarily make it better,” he says.

  Wiping away the tears so he’s not blurry anymore, I raise my head and frown. “How?”

  Another knock appears at my door and my heart drops into my stomach. He stands there with his hands tucked into the pockets of his jeans and a ratty old sweatshirt that must have said UConn at some point. His eyes are shadowed with black smudges, looking as if he hasn’t slept in days. But even through all of that, he’s still the most glorious vision I have ever seen.

  “You only have a half hour. I’ve got confirmation that Chase is with Travis right now in Templeton, but they’re leaving soon to come back,” Liam says, getting up from my bed and shaking James’s hand.

  “I-I don’t know what to say.”

  James stands at the edge of my bed, just staring at me with such sadness that my heart breaks all over again. Lifting myself off the bed, I help close the distance, leaving a foot or two of space between us.

  “You can thank me by not getting my ass kicked by Penny for this. She said if I didn’t do something I was in trouble. So here’s my something.”

  I turn my head to him and chew on my bottom lip. “Mom and dad?”

  He smirks and flicks his head to the door. “They’re grocery shopping so it’s just the three of us. But that still doesn’t mean I want to hear anything so keep it to a minimum. Sorry Casanova,” he laughs.

  James shakes his head and laughs too. “You won’t have to worry about that. I just need to see my girl.”

  My girl. I remember the first time he called me that. It brings a tear to my eye just like it did then. All the trials, all the tribulations, it’s all for something. And that something is standing right in front of me, looking at me the same way he always looks at me. With love.

  “Thank you, Liam,” I whisper. He nods and closes the door behind him, leaving only the two of us standing in the middle of my room.

  My heart is beating so hard and so fast that I’m afraid it’s going to fly out and land straight into his. He steps closer to me, now with only mere inches between us.

  “Hey.” His voice is scratchy and laced with pain. As if he hasn’t spoken in days and this is the first real breath he’s uttered to someone.

  “Hey.” My voice breaks and I can’t take it any longer. I rush into his arms and press my face into his chest, deeply inhaling his scent. He crushes me to him while placing sweet, gentle kisses on the crown of my head. “I’ve missed you. So much.”

  Tears soak his sweatshirt as I bury my head further into the safety of his body. I’ve missed his smell, missed his touch, missed everything about him that makes my insides light up.

  He shushes me, but I just cling to him more. I don’t want to pull away and find that this is only a dream.

  “Sweetheart, please don’t cry. I don’t want to waste our time together. I only get this half hour with you before losing you for the next two months.”

  I pull back and hastily wipe at my eyes. He’s right, he’s always right. His hand cups my cheek and I lean into the touch. Such a simple gesture. You wouldn’t think something as simple as a touch could bring peace to a broken mind, but that’s exactly what it does. He’s easing my mind, calming my fears until they are momentarily forgotten.

  “James, I’m so sorry. So, so, so sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you, but I needed to protect you and this was the best option to do so. Chase wouldn’t have dropped it if I hadn’t agreed to his terms.”

  He tilts my face up and places a whisper soft kiss on my lips. It steals my breath away, leaving me gasping for air at the assault upon my emotions. One minute I’m in agony over hurting James and the next I’m kissing the lips that I dream of every night. My body doesn’t know which way to go as it fights pulling him closer to me or stepping back to admire him.

  With a few more soft pecks he pulls back and smiles down at me. “Shh, I know you are. And believe me, my brain understands your methods and your need to protect us. But my heart,” he starts, his voice catching slightly, “my heart doesn’t know what to think. All it knows is that we aren’t together. And it hurts. It hurts so much to see you and not touch you, to listen to your voice and not be able to reply, to see your smile and have it not reflected at me.”

  “If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t smiled in days,” I sniff.

  He leads me to the bed and sits down before pulling me into his lap. “I know. Liam’s told me how your week has been and that you haven’t left your room excep
t to eat and shower. And it broke me. I told him I needed to see you because it’s been killing me to not be able to comfort you myself.”

  “You talk to Liam?” I ask.

  He nods. “Almost every day. We’ve actually become good friends now. It’s nice to have someone to talk to in this town, especially since I’m still considered the new guy.”

  Who would have thought those two would have become friends? Never, if you would have asked me at the beginning of this all. I guess I don’t know everything.

  “I’m glad you two have become friends. This makes it easier somehow.”

  His lips press into the side of my head before resting his cheek there. “You doubt us?”

  I turn and move to straddle him, placing my hands on his shoulders to steady myself. “Never. It’s just, sometimes I feel like this is all in my imagination or that I’m in some dream where I just can’t wake up and I don’t want to.” I press my forehead to his and sigh. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I can’t live without you. You’re a part of me now and not being with you is like losing a piece of me.”

  He pulls me closer and kisses me with all the love and passion that one can possibly pour into a kiss, telling me how much I mean to him without actually saying anything. Because he knows just as well as I do that actions speak louder than words. And right now, he’s saying that he loves me.

  “I’m going to marry you one day,” he says against my lips.

  I smile and kiss him again. “And I’ll say yes when you ask.”

  “Promise?” His hands run up my arms before threading into my hair, holding my head so our gazes never leave each other.

  “Promise.”

  That’s the easiest promise I’ve ever made and one I intend to keep.

  Not wanting to waste our time, we both lay down on my bed. James picks up the book and opens it to my bookmarked page, cradling me next to him as he reads to me. My head is pressed against his heart and I listen to the rhythmic beat, letting it soothe me until nothing else matters. Just the sound of his voice and the feel of his body next to mine is what I focus on. I’m grateful for this stolen moment with him and make a note to thank Penny and Liam for what they did.

  I told myself that it would be easier to go without seeing him secretly but who was I kidding. I realize now that I was barely living before I met him, living a life that didn’t have a purpose. Just ideas of how I thought it should be. But lying here, cradled in his arms, listening to his voice, lets me know that our sacrifice is worth it because I now have a purpose. And it’s everything I thought I wanted before, only now he’s included in the picture to make it complete.

  Liam knocks on my door. Our time is up.

  “Did you drive here?” I ask, slowly sitting up but still hanging onto James.

  He shakes his head. “Liam picked me up. He thought it would be too dangerous in case Chase saw my truck outside your house.”

  “Smart man,” I say.

  “I do have my moments,” Liam says.

  “And modest too,” I retort, rolling my eyes at him.

  James and I leave the security of my bedroom and walk hand in hand down the stairs. Liam grabs his keys off the hooks by the door and we make our way outside to his car.

  “Make it quick,” Liam says as he climbs into his Mustang.

  James wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me tightly to him. I rest my head on his shoulder, feeling the beat of his heart beneath my ear. At times I swear it’s saying my name. I take comfort in that, even if it’s only my imagination getting the best of me.

  “I don’t want you to go,” I whisper.

  He kisses my forehead and holds me tighter. “I don’t want to go either. It’s going to be hard to see you and not do this, but we need to think of the end result.”

  I nuzzle my face into his neck and press my lips against his skin. He sighs. “I know. We just have to pretend like we did at the beginning of the year when we were trying to avoid each other.”

  James laughs and pulls back slightly to look me in the eyes. “And that worked out so well for us. If I recall, there were a couple of incidents after class that resulted in some close encounters.”

  I flush as I remember those moments, wanting nothing more than to taste his lips or feel the press of his body against mine. I smile and run my fingers over his cheeks. “We will have to avoid those this time around. But I will play my part and try not to entice you. I’ll just be the model student and get perfect grades, do my homework and ace every test.”

  He laughs and brings his lips to mine, giving me one final kiss goodbye. And it’s a kiss that is going to have to tide us over for the remainder of the year because we won’t be able to do this again without consequences. As our lips work in sync with each other, tasting and moving in a slow, delicate dance, my love for him grows by the second. I know without a doubt that we’ll make it through this and come out stronger in the end. Chase thinks he’s won, but he’s wrong. We’ve won because he can’t break us apart.

  Liam raps his knuckles on the window, pointing at his watch to let us know our time is up. “Time to go, sweetheart,” James says.

  “I love you,” I whisper, taking a step back from him.

  He tucks some hair behind my ears and smiles at me. “I love you too.”

  With a final goodbye, he climbs into Liam’s car and they back out of the driveway. I stand and watch them until the tail lights disappear from sight. Turning to go back into the house, I walk back to my room and retake my spot on the bed. The pillow still smells like him and I hang onto it like a lifeline. I close my eyes briefly as a new sense of calm washes over me before opening my book back to the page he left off at. The words blur together and I can’t concentrate with his scent still around me. So I close the book and turn to look out my bedroom window before falling into a peaceful sleep for the first time in over a week.

  “DID YOU SEE THE NOMINATIONS?” Penny asks me.

  I shrug my shoulders as we walk down the hall. “Yeah, I did.”

  “And?”

  “And what? Ow!” I rub my shoulder. “What the hell was that for?”

  “For not being more excited about your prom queen nomination.”

  I sigh and lean against the wall by the locker bay. “I don’t care about any of that crap and you know it. In fact, I hope I don’t win because I don’t want the attention it created the last time I won some stupid title.”

  Penny kicks my foot. “Whatever. You know you’re going to win.”

  “I can also guess who’s going to be king and I’d rather not think about that.”

  “True, but you never know. Maybe you’ll get lucky. I saw Lyle was nominated too so maybe he’ll win.”

  “Maybe. I wouldn’t mind that, just like I’m sure Cami wouldn’t mind winning queen too.”

  Both of our friends have been nominated to the royal court along with me and I’m praying like hell that they win instead of having a repeat of Homecoming where it was Chase and me.

  “I’d like to think the student body would be a little more creative this time around, rather than elect the same two people again,” I say.

  “It’s a popularity thing and you know it. And unfortunately for you, you’re popular,” she says while putting her books into her locker.

  “And I still have no idea why. It’s not like I’m into sports or any of the clubs. I’m just me, the quiet girl who gets good grades.”

  She turns to me as I put mine away. “Your good looks and sparkling personality I’m sure have nothing to do with it either.”

  I smile back at her. “Yeah, maybe that’s it.”

  Our laughter dies when Chase appears next to us. Right on time as usual. Somehow I’ve managed to tolerate his controlling moods from the short leash that he’s put me on. But lately, he’s been getting sloppy. His watchful eye isn’t always pointed in my direction. But I’m still cautious because I don’t trust him. That was broken the minute he decided to blackmail me and ruin my
life.

  “My two favorite people,” he says and lays his arm across my shoulders. I try to shrug it off, but he just holds on tighter.

  “Fuck off,” Penny says. She clearly doesn’t care what he thinks and isn’t afraid to tell him so.

  “Aww, love you too, Pen,” he says, pulling me toward the cafeteria. Despite being forced to eat with him, I’ve actually enjoyed being in there with the rest of the student population. Perhaps I have been a tad antisocial these last few years at lunchtime, so being able to talk with other people for a good hour isn’t all bad.

  We enter the line and I grab my usual salad and Diet Coke. Chase pays for my lunch again, even though I repeatedly tell him not to. He says it’s his boyfriend duty or some bullshit. I ignore him and just chalk it up to a perk of his blackmail.

  I spy my friends sitting at a table near Chase’s friends. I turn to him and smile sweetly. “Chase, I’m going to sit with Penny and the group today.”

  He eyes me cautiously and purses his lips. “That’s not part of the deal,” he says.

  I narrow my eyes at him. “No, you stated that I had to eat in the lunch room. You didn’t say explicitly that I had to be chained to your side the entire time. Besides, I’m at the table right next to you. You can still monitor me to make sure I’m not sneaking out, even though I haven’t broken any of your stupid rules yet.”

  Chase thinks about it quickly before giving me a subtle nod. “Fine. But if I see any funny business that’ll be the last time you eat with them.”

  “Why thank you, master. I promise to be a good girl and behave,” I say sarcastically. But I quickly dart up the aisle before he has a chance to reply. Penny squeals in delight as I take my seat next to her.

  “He let you off your chain?” she asks.

  “Yep, the warden let me have a day pass.”

  “I don’t get it,” Drake says. “Why do you put up with him if you clearly don’t like him? I mean, it’s obvious to everyone that you’re not into him.”

  I stab at my salad because I don’t know how to respond to him. “It’s complicated,” is all I can come up with.