New Du Rose Matriarch

by Bowes, K T

  “Yeah.” Logan nodded and looked away.

  Tama’s eyes radiated pleasure. “Thanks man!” He hugged Logan and kissed a startled Phoenix on the top of her head. “Thanks, Hana. I don’t know what to say.” The teenager held it together as they looked out across the landscape and churning sea far below. He even held it together as they walked back towards the gate and Logan whistled to the gelding. Tama’s eyes sparkled as Hana hugged and kissed him, joking, “No more looking at my backside now!”

  “See ya soon, son,” Logan said, clapping the teenager on the back in a masculine embrace.

  “Oh, have you seen Phoe’s name on the tree?” Hana asked Tama as they reached the gate. Tama shook his head, towing the chestnut gelding behind him. “Logan did it,” Hana said with pride. “It’s beautiful.”

  Tama looked up at the family names etched into the ancient bark and followed their genealogy as he’d done a million times. A new name caught his eye, scored under Logan and nestled close to Phoenix. “That’s me,” he choked, his voice cracking. He cried like a baby, great big terrible sobs that drained out of him like the springs which ran off the mountain. He sank to the floor and succumbed to the overwhelming peace and acceptance that came with being loved. Logan walked away to gaze at the sea but Hana sank to her knees and cradled Tama as he became a Du Rose, long before the paperwork was ever posted. High above sea level on an ancient, sacred tapu piece of ground, Tama Du Rose found peace and thoroughly lost himself.

  Chapter 31

  Phoenix played with her toes, growing frustrated when she couldn’t hold onto them. Hana sat in the back of the car watching, daydreaming about who her tiny daughter might become in life. Tama stayed at the farm and Hana missed him.

  “No! I want to go up to Culver’s Cottage!” Hana complained, disgruntled when she found Logan driving straight down State Highway 1 and not turning towards Huntly.

  “I wouldn’t get you out again,” Logan stated honestly and Hana pulled a face, knowing he was right. It would be too tempting to stay on the mountain, avoiding life, the signing of her statement and having to see Amanda.

  “Please can we go back?” Hana begged in panic. “I can’t stay at the unit without Tama while you do night duties. Not yet, please Loge?” Her heart clenched with anxiety even before they drove through the gates.

  “It’s gonna be ok, Hana,” Logan promised.

  It was strange walking up the narrow steps and in the front door again. It brought back the awful memories of how she expressed endless bottles of milk for her child not knowing if she would return. She remembered the sickness in her stomach as she closed the door behind her and walked down the steps to meet her fate. “I believed I could stop him killing you,” she moaned, the images clear in her mind. “How could I be so stupid?” The slippery slope which became her life seemed disjointed and unreal, the danger more potent in the aftermath than it was then.

  Hana shut her eyes and recalled at will, the simple prayer she prayed over her baby as she took a last look at her in the cot. Make me enough, Lord. This time, make me enough. “It didn’t work!” she sobbed. “I wasn’t enough! Of all the things I could have prayed, all the frantic pleas and entreaties I should have made, that was my concern? What’s wrong with me?”

  “Nothing, Hana! Nothing’s wrong with you. You were enough, sweetheart, you made it out alive.” Logan cradled her shaking body, his own agony buried too deep for her to see.

  “I just wanted to be enough,” she wailed. Enough for her baby, her husband and her God. Just this once.

  “Don’t do this, Hana,” Logan soothed. “Please, babe. Let it go.” He kissed the side of her damp face and wished they hadn’t come back. “Sit down,” he pleaded. “I’ll make us a drink.”

  Hana’s eyes darted around in confusion and fear as she relinquished her hold on Logan’s arm. Tama’s discarded towel still lay in the middle of the floor and the kitchen looked like a bomb site with the steriliser plonked in the centre of the counter. Every surface was smothered with belongings where Tama and Logan played tag team with the baby while Hana was in hospital. “Where do we start?” Hana whispered, overwhelmed.

  Logan bit his lip and ran his hand through his hair. “Phoe’s in her cot asleep, so I’ll clear up here. Why don’t you go for a walk?”

  “By myself?” Hana looked horrified, her eyes wide and fearful.

  “Go and make it right with Amanda?” Logan suggested. “She must know by now what really happened at Day’s Landing.”

  Hana shook her head, her voice catching. “No, don’t try to get rid of me. I don’t want to see people. They’ll want to know all about it and I don’t want to talk anymore.” Her eyes darted around the unit and she put the back of her hand to her lips, the gory bandage lathered in dried leakage and manuka honey.

  The peace and calm of the hotel evaporated the moment Hana walked through the front door of the unit and Logan berated himself inwardly. Hana’s sense of amity was so far gone, there was no point starting over. It wouldn’t work. Hana reeled as life smacked her in the chest again and she didn’t think she could be bothered fighting to recover anymore. She looked at Logan helplessly, tears damp on her cheeks. “When Vik died, I couldn’t change the bed sheets for weeks because he left his smell on the pillow. I wanted to spare you, so I washed and dried them before I met Laval. I never wanted you to feel that way.”

  Logan closed his eyes and covered his face with a shaking hand. “Oh, Hana. I can’t do this.” He breathed out slowly, a sickness roiling deep in the pit of his stomach. Hana’s face against his shoulder made him feel supercharged with electricity. “I want dirty sheets, Hana, bloody dirty sheets.” He caught his wife up in a strong embrace and bodily lifted her. “We’ll be ok,” he promised, his pupils dilating with desire. “We’ll start at the beginning and everything will be ok.” He kissed her, his lips trembling as they pressed against Hana’s. She fixed her arm around his neck and stroked his cheek with her index finger.

  “Kua riro katoa kua whaiāipo, Logan,” Hana whispered, her lips against his. Her pronunciation was terrible, but he started in surprise, his forehead creasing at her attempt to master the Māori words.

  “I fell in love with you too, babe, the first time I saw your beautiful face. When we have nothing else, wahine, we’ll always have that.” He carried her to the bedroom and stripped her naked on the pristine sheets. Logan made love to his wife until the fabric was rumpled and slewed across the bed, pushing the rest of the world away with their moans of pleasure, rebuilding their fragile peace.

  The sound of hammering on the front door woke Hana around tea time. She touched the bed beside her, realising Logan was gone. Grabbing his tee shirt from the end of the bed, Hana shoved it over her head just in time as the bedroom door crashed open so hard it hit the wardrobe behind it. Hana screamed in fright.

  Jas barrelled over to her and climbed on the bed, his face a mask of distress. “Hanny,” he cried, his eyes as wide as oranges and his little lips formed in a delicate ‘o.’ “Mummy said you got hurt and I had to see you.” He tenderly touched the dirty bandage on her wrist, looking guilty when Hana pulled it away from his clumsy ministrations. “Did your hand fall off?” he asked in a whisper. “Mum said I mustn’t ask but she can’t hear me, can she?” He looked at her conspiratorially. “Did the bad man get you again?”

  “You ok?” Logan put his head round the door and Hana nodded. Logan rolled his eyes and smiled in understanding.

  Hana fudged Jas’ interrogation, not sure how to answer the small but perceptive child. He stood on the bed in his bare feet and did a twirl, almost falling off sideways. “Look at my uniform, Hanny. I’m handsome, aye?”

  Hana watched his antics, wondering where the years had gone. It seemed like only yesterday his father wore a similar outfit. The shorts Jas wore were meant for a much bigger boy and the grey material hung past his knees. Hana wondered if they were second hand or if Jas had destroyed the knees and pockets in a few short weeks by himself. Hi
s little shirt of stretchy polo material was royal blue with a yellow line around his collar. The school logo on the left breast pocket was a Scottish thistle on a yellow background. She smiled at her grandson and wondered how she could exit the bed wearing only a tee shirt. “Guess what?” Jas asked Hana in a whisper.

  “What?” she replied, as keenly as she could muster.

  “Guess!”

  “I don’t know,” she laughed, “give me a clue?”

  “I’m gonna be a bridesmaid.”

  “Ooh, I don’t think so,” Hana tried to say, but Jas was emphatic.

  “Am so!”

  Hana smiled and decided she should double check with Amy in the hope he’d got things back to front. “Has Action Man stopped wetting himself yet?” she asked, trying to distract him.

  “Well,” the little boy said, settling himself for a dangerously long story. “Mummy and me put band aids on the slits where the stuff comed out so he could see the grandparents in Wellington. But when we got home, I taked them off and man, it was rank! The watery stuff stinked.” He looked a bit sad and then perked up, remembering something. “Oh yeah, Mum said if I’m good and stop wearing my uniform all the time, then I can get a new man. Maybe Action Man Paratrooper or Policeman.”

  Jas smiled and picked at a snag in his shorts as Phoenix wailed from her cot. His eyes went round and bobbly and he shot off the bed. “Wait on baby, Uncle Jas is coming!” he shouted.

  Hana giggled to herself and hoped her husband got there first. Making the most of the empty bedroom she dressed quickly and nipped to the toilet. In the lounge she found Logan on his knees, changing the struggling baby’s nappy. Jas offered instructions, as the infant got crosser and crosser, waving her little fists in anger at the delay. Silence descended as Logan handed Phoenix over and she disappeared happily up Hana’s tee shirt. Jas sat on the arm of the chair, trying to work out where the child’s head went. “Did it come off?” he asked, his eyes wide with horror. “Where’d it go?”

  Jas’ mother sat at the dining table nursing a dreadful cold and periodically blowing her nose into a tissue. “Sorry,” she said gruffly. “I didn’t want to come, but Jas was desperate. I’ve got the window open so hopefully the germs should go outside.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” Hana replied with a smile. “You can’t do worse than I’ve already had in the last week.”

  Amy cringed. “I’m sorry for what Bo did; bringing Odering up to the hotel to take your statement. That was underhand.”

  Hana sighed. “I don’t think Odering gave him much choice,” she said, believing her own words. Odering showed a different, more frenzied side of himself lately. She wondered if he was on the list for promotion and then dismissed the thought as unkind. He was trying to do his job, although dubiously executed.

  “Did you have a nice day at school?” Hana asked her grandson, who played with the baby’s toes. He shook his head and cackled. “You don’t go to school on Saturday!”

  Hana pointed at Jas’ school uniform and Amy shook her head and rolled her eyes. The flash of desperation in her expression begged Hana not to ask. Hana sipped her tea and tried to let the peaceful atmosphere wash over her, dulling the misery of the kidnap and her presence in the shoe box staff unit. “I’ve lost track of the days,” she said with a frown.

  Logan saw her fall silent and worry creased his brow. He felt a wave of gratitude at the entertaining child stroking Phoenix’s tiny toes. “Hey, who wants to go to the dining room for dinner?”

  Jas leapt to his feet with a whoop of excitement, his eyes bugging and his feet twitching as he hopped from side to side. Amy looked unsure, checking her watch and pulling a face. “Mum, Mum, please can we? I wanna eat with the big boys!” he squealed, seeing his treat in peril.

  Logan cringed. “Sorry, I should’ve checked with you first.”

  “No, it’s fine. His dad’s still working so we’re ok for an hour yet.” Amy checked her watch and Jas ran to the door, eager to be gone.

  “Hey champ,” Logan said to the little boy, “we’ll go to my office for a while. There’s stuff I need to check. Hanny’s not finished feeding Phoenix yet so they can come over later.”

  Jas reached explosion point, his face alight with glee. He ran to the bedroom and reappeared with Logan’s cowboy boots, one in each hand. They dragged his spindly arms past his knees and bent his spine with the weight of them and Amy shook her head with resignation at his comical antics. Logan sat on the sofa next to Hana to put them on while Jas got in the way; stuffing his fingers into the boot at the same time as Logan put his foot in, then trying to fasten the zip too early. Hana’s husband displayed extreme patience but Amy writhed in desperation, letting out a series of frustrated puffs. “Jas! Leave the man alone!” she snapped.

  “Grab my wallet from the bedroom, please?” Logan asked and Jas raced off on his errand. The front door closed behind them and the women heard Logan instruct Jas how he must behave, hearing the child’s squeak of agreement.

  Amy sighed and rested her head in her hands while Hana burped the baby over her shoulder and stayed quiet. “I had the worst time with my parents,” Amy said, sounding sad. “They were angry over my marriage break up so I stayed away. Having missed five years of their grandson’s life, I thought they’d be glad to get to know him. It was fine for the first few days but Jas picked up on the tension and his behaviour became outrageous. We ended up coming home early.”

  “That’s disappointing,” Hana said, playing with her baby’s toes and pushing back the memory of the last time she saw her parents. She bit her lip. It was Amy’s grief, not hers.

  Amy looked surprised at Hana’s perception. “Yes,” she said. “Disappointing. That’s exactly what it is. I built it up in my head and promised Jas it would be amazing. Then it was awful.”

  “Do you think you all tried too hard?”

  “Na,” Amy replied. “I don’t think they tried at all. They still see me as their little girl, not a mother with an awkward, demanding son!”

  “I miss my mum,” Hana whispered. “If I could see her one more time, I’d just hug her and say nothing. But I guess the reality is different. We romanticise things and it never happens like in the movies.” She smiled sadly at the young woman. Amy’s eyes glittered with unshed tears and misery shrouded her like a cape. I don’t have a mother, but I can be one. “Come here, love.” Hana switched Phoenix to the other side and held her free arm out to Amy.

  When Amy slumped next to her on the sofa, Hana put her arm around the slender shoulders and felt the shuddering of her body. Wisdom made Hana say nothing and she gave Amy comfort, drawing some for herself from the uniqueness of female affection, as the young woman leaked tears down her arm.

  Phoenix farted so loudly she frightened herself. Amy giggled as the baby jumped in a fear reaction, her arms splayed wide. When Hana stroked her cheek and gave her eye contact, Phoenix smiled a lopsided expression matching her daddy’s. “You’re done little girl.” Hana said, lifting her up and putting her over her shoulder. Hana looked at Logan’s tee shirt and pulled a face. “Could you hold her for me, please? I can’t go over looking like this.”

  Amy took the child, holding her awkwardly as though afraid. In the bedroom, Hana donned a pretty top and lightweight jeans, tidying her hair in the bathroom. Her wrist felt tight and painful and Hana peered at the bandage in dismay. The soreness seemed deeper, as though even the bone had set up protest. Hana pulled a sleeve over the mess and ignored it.

  In the living area, Hana paused to watch Amy with the baby. The younger woman gazed at the child with such longing, Hana masked her surprise. There was a sadness in her eyes, as though she observed an unreachable goal. “Ready?” Hana asked softly.

  “Yep.” Amy got to her feet, masking her sadness with a wooden smile.

  They walked to the dining room, Hana carrying her baby in her arms. What’s the story with Jas? I can’t work out if he’s rebelling or just enjoying behaving like a cantankerous old man.”
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  Amy laughed. “He’s always been precocious but I can’t cope with him at the moment. He won’t take his damn school uniform off and he keeps telling everyone he’s going to be a bridesmaid. I’ve told him a hundred times he’s a groomsman; it’s getting embarrassing. Bodie says to ignore him, but Jas presses my buttons and I snap. It was worse at my parents’ place because I couldn’t tell him off and he knew it. He exploited it to his advantage and made me feel stupid. How can a five year old make an adult feel so dumb?” Amy kicked at a pebble on the ground in front of her, sending it skittering across the road towards the soccer field.

  “What can we do to help?”

  Amy stopped on the spot and stared at Hana. “I don’t know,” she said. “Nobody’s ever asked me that before.”

  Hana patted Phoenix on the back as the child peered over her shoulder. “You’re not alone in this, Amy. We’re family and I’m happy to support you. Bodie was fine until Izzie came along and then he turned into the proverbial monster child. I’m sure there’s not much that Jas can pull out of the hat which I haven’t already seen!”

  The women arrived at the boarding house as the bell clanged for dinner. Boys appeared from everywhere, charging to the dining room and queuing up noisily outside the entrance. When a young looking girl pushed open the door and clipped it back to the wall, the queue appeared to lean back as one to give her room, surging after her wake as she disappeared into the dining room and back to the serving hatch.

  Logan stood in the mirrored office in the lobby and Jas sat in a swivel seat, spinning round and round. Occasionally Logan spun the chair without looking, inducing grins of delight. “The girls are here,” Jas squealed, spotting his mother and Hana.

  Logan looked up from the computer screen and logged out. “Come on then. School dinner awaits,” he said with a smile.