“It’s already been more than three weeks; my stay will soon be half over.” She sighed, and then added, “I had a letter from my mother this morning, reminding me of my return to London, and I’m afraid the very idea of it has brought me down.”
Henry hadn’t precisely forgotten that she was to return to London, but he hadn’t bothered considering it. The idea brought him down as well. “What don’t you like about London? Most young people are clamoring to go.”
“Most young people don’t have my mother,” was her quick reply.
After a pause, he tactfully said, “Miss Abbot has hinted that she might be a difficult woman. But won’t you be happy to return for your sister’s wedding?” Henry had been hesitant to pry, but now that she was opening up, he felt it wouldn’t be rude to ask such a question.
Henry watched her shift the reins so she could hold them in one hand and tuck a stray lock of hair away from her face, and he wondered if she even noticed how relaxed she had become on Pegasus’s back. “I’m afraid it won’t be a very happy occasion for me,” she replied. “I’m losing my sister to marriage and my mother desperately wants me to share the same fate.”
He took a moment to think about her reply and realized he didn’t like it. “Is your sister’s fate lamentable then? You don’t want to marry?” Henry almost held his breath waiting for her answer.
“Whether I want to marry or not doesn’t matter. My mother is insistent that I marry as soon as possible.” She looked up to the sky for a moment and contemplated the clouds, then turned back to him and said, “You see, my mother is a bit like yours. She desperately wants me to marry.” With a sad smile she added, “The difference is your mother wants your happiness; my mother wants her own. She wants to have me and my sister out of her way.”
“Are you sure?” Henry asked skeptically. “Perhaps you got that impression from her, but she actually feels differently.”
“I’m extremely sure,” she defended herself. “My mother has informed me in no uncertain terms that I must get married quickly.”
“Did she send you here to find a husband, then?” Henry asked. He didn’t like to think that Julia was trying to ensnare him as all the rest, but here they were having a secret riding lesson. Had this been her plan all along?
“Oh no,” she answered with surprise. “Mother expects me to find a husband in London. She didn’t even want me to come to Barrington.” Henry was relieved at her answer, but his curiosity was growing by the minute.
“Then why did she allow you to come, if she wants to marry you off so quickly?”
Julia bit her lip with a worried expression before replying, “I made a rash promise before I left London. When I offered to come to Barrington to help Martha, my mother wasn’t going to let me come, so I told her that if she would allow me this reprieve in Barrington, I would marry whomever she chose when I return.”
Henry couldn’t form a reply to that and his surprise must have been evident on his face. He hadn’t imagined there was so much going on that he had been unaware of. Julia continued in a subdued voice, “She felt I was being too particular before about whose attentions I would allow.”
“You are going to let her choose whom you marry?” he asked incredulously.
Julia let out a deep sigh. “Unless I can find a way out of returning to London, I’ll have to keep my promise. My mother informed me in her letter today that she has someone in mind for me. A man twice my age that has recently come into some money and joined society. The news has obviously left me unable to concentrate on riding.”
“Undoubtedly,” Henry muttered as he was having a difficult time concentrating as well. The very thought of this vivacious girl with an inappropriate old man left him distracted in disgust for several minutes. In fact, as he now looked around, he realized that Felix was leading them back to the stable. They were halfway there already and he didn’t bother turning them back to the pasture.
It seemed that Julia was scheming after all, trying to find a way to stay in Barrington. Not so she could trap him into marriage, but so that she could avoid marriage altogether. He couldn’t fathom why a mother would want to help her daughter to a disastrous marriage and said, “It was an unfortunate promise to make, but do you think your mother will really hold you to it?”
“Yes,” she replied without hesitation. “She wants me out of her way.”
Henry became lost in thought again. He still wasn’t completely sure how he wanted to proceed with Julia. He liked her quite well and thought he would like to court her, but now there was the pressure of time that made him feel uneasy.
“Mr. Chamberlain,” Julia began, pulling him out of his thoughts, “our horses are taking us back to Barrington Court. We’re nearly there, I think.”
“Right, we’ll just lead them to the stables then, shall we?” he replied.
“But what about your groom? Won’t he be waiting in the pasture to ride Pegasus back?”
Henry shook his head and asked, “Did you not notice? He wasn’t there today. He told me this morning that his wife wasn’t feeling well and he wanted to stay close to home.” Henry hadn’t thought much of it. No one ever interrupted their lessons, so there would be no one to disapprove of their meeting in private. It seemed harmless enough to carry on without a chaperone.
Glancing over at Julia, he realized she was nervous. Her eyes were darting around and he could tell she didn’t want anyone to see them. In fact, he watched as she pulled Pegasus’s reins gently to the side, making a larger gap between them as they rode. It was the strangest thing that she didn’t want to be seen with him. Keeping his mother in the dark had been his only reason for them to not be seen together. But obviously Julia had a reason of her own for not wanting to be seen in his presence, or at least caught alone with him.
His arrogance suddenly hit him. He had been assuming all along that Julia wanted his attentions and that he was withholding them, but what if she wasn’t interested in him at all? Thinking back on her words, a niggling doubt entered his mind. Julia was upset that her mother wanted to choose her husband, but what if Julia was already in love with someone else and her mother didn’t think him rich enough and had refused her permission?
Barrington Court came into view and Henry hoped his mother wasn’t looking out the window. But he realized that mattered less now than the worrisome thought he’d just had. He urged Felix around to the stables and was surprised when Julia and Pegasus passed him at a trot. Was she hurrying so that no one would see them together? For perhaps the first time in his twenty-eight years, Henry felt unsure of himself. If he asked to court her, would she reject him?
His groom would hear their return and probably come soon to care for the horses. Henry dismounted and walked over to help Julia, who had dismounted, for the first time (except for her accidental dismount during their first lesson), without his help. Henry could tell she was in a hurry to depart.
She began her farewell, “Thank you for the lesson, Mr. Chamberlain—”
But Henry interrupted, “The lesson isn’t over, Miss North.”
“It’s not?”
“No,” he replied. Then, finding inspiration from somewhere, he said, “The rest of your lesson is taking care of the horse after riding.”
“Oh, I didn’t realize I was supposed to do that,” she glanced around, seeming to look for someone to take away the responsibility.
“Well, sometimes a groom isn’t available,” he paused to gesture at their empty surroundings, “but your horse still needs to be tended to.”
She swallowed and stepped back toward him as he held out Pegasus’s reins. “What am I to do?” she asked.
Henry led her through the process of removing the saddle and bridle. He put them back where they belonged and put Felix in his stall, then brought a brush for Julia and instructed her in brushing the horse down. She brushed him quickly, walking around him as she went, and then held out the brush to him and asked, “Which stall is Pegasus’s?”
He
couldn’t take it anymore. He had to know. He ignored her question and gathered his courage. Prepared to throw his pride away, he asked, “Are your affections engaged to someone else in London? Is that why you are so unhappy about your mother’s plan for you?”
Henry watched her contemplate his question. First she seemed surprised to be returning to their earlier topic; then her face contorted in a look of distaste and she replied, “No. I’m unhappy about my mother’s plan because it’s very unlikely that Mr. Jenks and I will suit one another. I’d rather go for a leisurely stroll in a thunderstorm than let my mother choose whom I marry.”
That seemed a strange comparison to Henry, but now his pride had truly taken a hit. If she didn’t care for anyone in London, then why didn’t she care for him? Julia glanced over her shoulder toward the door, as if checking that no one was coming. What could she be thinking? Henry had to know.
“Miss North, why don’t you want to be seen here with me?” Henry questioned her.
Her eyes rounded in surprise again, and she looked around as if even at that moment someone had caught them alone together. Then she looked back at him and said, “I just … Um, because of your mother.” She paused to clear her throat and then continued, “Your mother will get the wrong impression if she hears about our riding lessons.”
“But why does it matter so to you? It would be difficult for me because I would have to answer hundreds of questions from her, but there isn’t a negative consequence for you.”
“Well …,” she hesitated again. “We’re friends, so I thought I was helping you by avoiding detection.”
“Friends,” Henry murmured, trying to think quickly. There wasn’t more than friendship between them, but he felt disappointed that she had used that term. Saying they were friends was safe. She wasn’t giving anything away. How could he know how she felt? The uncertainty of not knowing was unbearable.
He looked down and Julia was still holding the brush out toward him. He reached both hands forward and took the brush with one hand and her wrist with the other. He gently pulled her toward him until they were just a foot apart; she didn’t resist, but her eyes widened as she moved toward him, possibly wondering what he would do next. He gazed down into her eyes, trying to see if he could tell just by looking whether she could feel more than friendship for him. He let go of her wrist and slowly brushed a few loose strands of hair from her face. By the end of their lessons, her hair was always coming loose. He watched her with a nervousness he had never felt before. He wished she would just confess her feelings, but her light brown eyes continued to hold his gaze with wide uncertainty and he had to ask, “Julia, could we be more than friends?”
“But your mother … ?” she asked as her brow creased in worry.
Henry wasn’t thinking about his mother; he just wanted to erase the look of worry from her face. He lifted his other hand and let his fingers trail gently from her cheekbone to her chin, amazed to be feeling her smooth skin and more amazed that she was letting him.
She searched his gaze for a long moment. Henry didn’t know what she was looking for or what she saw, but he leaned closer and she didn’t pull away. It was all the permission Henry needed. He closed the distance between them and lowered his lips until they touched hers. It was as if he had been resisting a magnetic pull since the moment he met her and he finally let his attraction to her have its way. It was a relief to stop fighting the attraction, but he could hardly believe how much more he wanted to kiss her once it was already happening. How could you want something you were already experiencing? He could feel her gently returning his kiss when her lips moved against his own, and his confidence soared. He felt her move even closer as her hands slid up his arms to his shoulders. He dropped the brush as he wrapped both arms around her, pulling her into an embrace and pressing more deeply into the kiss.
After a few moments of bliss, Henry pulled back and looked into Julia’s eyes, wanting to see her reaction for proof that her feelings were real. She smiled tentatively up at him.
Along with the relief Henry felt, there was a strange feeling of surprise. Even though he had kissed her, he was almost surprised with himself for actually doing it, for finally allowing himself to feel again. While he had been slowly realizing his feelings, he certainly hadn’t planned on acting on them today. But Julia was smiling up at him and he was sure she cared for him, which was all that mattered.
She pulled back and said shyly, “I should probably go, before Martha wonders where I am.”
At the mention of her cousin, Henry felt an uneasy feeling at the thought of everyone finding out his intentions toward Julia. If Julia told Miss Abbot and Miss Abbot told his mother, their courtship would be out of his control. It was all too new and he needed time to understand himself better before others questioned him about it. “Please don’t mention what’s happened to your cousin. She can be discreet, I’m sure, but if my mother found out I have feelings for you, we’ll never have any peace.” He smiled in conspiracy; it might even be enjoyable to have a slow courtship without anyone else knowing.
Julia’s gaze looked a little confused, “You think it should be a secret?”
Before Henry could respond, he heard voices and quickly realized they were coming toward the stable. He only had time to nod and say, “Yes, I think it would be best,” then quickly put some distance between Julia and himself. He hurried over to Pegasus, who was still not in his stall, and proceeded to put him there. Henry could see his groom, who had finally come to care for the horses, and another servant from the main house just outside. His groom knew, of course, what Henry had been up to the last fortnight, but the servant from the main house caused him a moment of worry. If the tale of his courting again made its way to the servants at the main house, his mother would know by the end of the day. Henry’s panic caused him to move quickly toward the entrance. The groom continued past him while the servant waited as he approached.
“Mr. Chamberlain, you’ve a visitor arrived just now. Waiting for you in the upstairs parlour, sir.”
“Thank you, I’ll be there directly.” Henry’s words were meant to dismiss, and the servant turned and left.
With a sigh of relief, Henry retreated back into the stable and saw that his groom was attending to Felix and Julia was saying goodbye to Pegasus. Henry again felt that relief that his feelings for her were reciprocated, but also that underlying nervousness of how to proceed from here. “It seems I have a visitor, and you need to return to your cousin.” He stopped and turned to face her. “I very much enjoyed our lesson today, Miss North.”
“As did I, Mr. Chamberlain.”
Realizing his next chance alone with her would be their next lesson, he said, “I can’t wait another week for your next riding lesson. Will you meet me again tomorrow?”
She smiled, not tentatively this time, but a broad grin, and said, “I’ll be there.”
She turned and they both left the stable, a discreet distance between them. He bid her a more formal farewell and watched as she walked toward the main gate. She looked back twice to grin at him, which brought Henry happiness he hadn’t meant to feel.
With a light step he walked toward Barrington Court, but he didn’t care a whit who his visitor was or what business he would have to attend to. He would deal with this and perhaps go for a long, fast ride on Felix. He had the desire to really move.
Henry had a whistle on his lips that instantly died when he entered the upstairs parlour at Barrington Court and saw his visitor. It was Jonathan. He had a short beard now, probably grown to try to make his boyish features look older, but other than that he was just the same.
He stood up and greeted Henry with a vigorous handshake and his old carefree enthusiasm that Henry remembered from their short acquaintance several years ago. “Hello there, Henry, been forever since I’ve seen you. Thought I’d drop in for a visit.” But Henry’s mind was slow to hear it as he wondered what Miss Corey’s brother was doing here.
“Jonathan. You’re
here for a visit,” he repeated, feeling almost dazed as the sadness that accompanied the memories from Miss Corey’s death came flooding back in an instant. He was overwhelmed once more by the guilt that he felt for living. “That’s … Well, that’s wonderful. How good to see you.”
Henry’s tone didn’t match his words and he couldn’t force his tone any lighter. Miss Corey’s brother was here. This man should have been his brother, but for the death of the woman he loved.
“I have a few spare weeks before my father expects me home, and I thought how good it would be to visit here and reminisce about old times.”
“Old times” for them was just that one summer that his family had come to Barrington Court. Henry avoided those memories; they made him feel like doing nothing. He didn’t want the return of the ache he already felt in his chest.
How could he have thought he could court Miss North? He couldn’t. He certainly cared for her. Too much, in fact, as he pictured her in an overturned carriage. Her life lost. He couldn’t go through that again; it was too much. He felt like kicking himself for letting his guard down.
“Old times,” Henry repeated. “It might be good to think about old times … before the accident.” Henry couldn’t separate the good from the bad in his heart though. Those wonderful good times had led to the worst suffering he had known and they were irrevocably connected for him. “Has the housekeeper shown you to your room?”
She hadn’t, so they rang the bell and Jonathan Corey was established once again as a guest at Barrington Court. When Jonathan left the parlour, Henry drew the curtains and poured himself a drink.
A
Chapter 14
Julia had worked so hard to not allow herself to hope, and it had mostly worked. She had still enjoyed Henry’s company more and more each time she was with him, but she had convinced herself to appreciate his attention as friendship. When she arrived for a riding lesson with Henry yesterday, she had not thought about how she wished he would like her—at least not much. Her thoughts had been so distracted after her mother’s letter had arrived yesterday that she had been worrying more than ever about returning to London.
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