She could still hardly believe he had kissed her.
Martha had warned her there would be no point in hoping for Henry’s affections. The local young ladies she had met at Martock Priory had shown her there was too much competition for her to even be a contender. And her own self-doubt had robbed her of her confidence. But despite it all, Henry wanted her.
Yesterday, after he had kissed her, she wanted to run home and could barely restrain herself to walk. But she made herself slow down so she would have time to stop smiling before Martha saw her.
During their few riding lessons, Julia had repeated Martha’s warning over and over to herself. She had concentrated so hard on believing that Henry saw her the same as every other girl that she had been taken completely by surprise when he asked her if they could be more than friends. The sweetest question had caused an almost violent reaction in her heart; it had wanted to jump out of her chest. But the thing that stood out the most—the part she would never forget—was the look of uncertainty on Henry’s face. She had never seen him anything but completely confident. She hadn’t been able to speak but had held her ground when he leaned in and kissed her. Another surprise, but a most welcome one. She had wondered before what she would do when she was kissed. She smiled at the thought. In the moment Henry’s lips had met hers, there was nothing to think about. She had returned the kiss without a conscious thought. It was a perfect moment that she felt she belonged in, or perhaps it was Henry that she belonged with. Either way, she felt at home with his lips on hers. And she felt a happiness beyond any she had thought was possible for her.
She had convinced herself that Henry was keeping their lessons a secret because he didn’t want to court her, or be pressured into feelings he didn’t feel. But his kiss had given her confidence. It was a little odd that Henry wanted their courtship to be a secret. She’d never thought to court in secret, but if his mother’s interference was to be avoided, she could see why Henry would want things to be kept quiet.
After breakfast, but before she left on her morning walk, Julia was surprised by the sound of a carriage. Barrington was so quiet in the mornings, the sound seemed almost foreign. She heard the carriage stop and was even more surprised. Martha’s visitors didn’t typically come in carriages. Julia had plenty of time before she was to meet Henry for their riding lesson, so she waited in the sitting room to satisfy her curiosity about Martha’s visitor.
Julia could not have been more surprised when her own mother was shown into Martha’s sitting room! She couldn’t hide her surprise or the distaste in her voice as she asked, “Mother, what are you doing here?” Not the friendliest welcome, but her mother was too preoccupied to notice.
“Harriet wants to end her engagement to Lord Blakely!” her mother exclaimed. She didn’t look happy to see Julia after their weeks of separation or happy at all to be there; she merely shot a disapproving look over her shoulder as Harriet entered the room behind her.
Julia took a few moments to try to take in the situation and while she was silent, her mother continued, “She has been flirting constantly since her engagement was announced and Lady Eldridge warned me two days ago that she had seen her in the park with the same man three times. Harriet even admitted that she wants Lord Blakely to find out and cancel their engagement! She wants to create a scandal!”
Julia swallowed. At first, she thought her mother was overreacting, but she remembered that Harriet had wanted to end her engagement and hadn’t seemed to grasp how unacceptable that was. Glancing over at Harriet now, she saw her sister roll her eyes.
“How will being here help?” Julia asked. She was pretty sure she understood the situation, but was still trying to make sense of their presence in Barrington.
“Harriet has to be kept far away from that rake who is trying to ruin her. Our only hope was leaving London until the wedding.”
“You’re not staying here, are you?” Julia asked, fearing the answer.
“Of course we’ve got to stay here. We’ll return to London the day before Harriet’s wedding,” she said, looking annoyed with Julia now that she was forcing her to repeat herself. “I am convinced she’ll embroil herself in scandal just to end her engagement if we are there for even a day longer than necessary.”
Julia’s heart sank. The rest of her time in Barrington would include her mother and sister. She could already feel the difference in the room. There would be no more quiet evenings with Martha, no more dinners at Barrington Court without her mother looking on, and no more friendly chats when Henry dropped in. Her mother’s presence would suppress it all.
The peace she had felt in Barrington was gone, and Julia realized it wasn’t London she had been trying to escape. It wasn’t even having to get married, although that was certainly part of it. Primarily, it was her mother she had needed to escape from. Having her here felt stifling. Barrington lost much of its appeal with her mother in it.
While the realization washed over her, her mother said, “Julia, if you can impress Mr. Jenks—which I don’t think will be difficult to do, even for you—then your wedding can follow soon after.” It took a moment before Julia could remember who Mr. Jenks was, but then the recollection came and she felt as though a sack of flour had been dropped on her. He was the man in London her mother wanted her to marry.
Julia had been feeling uneasy about the idea of a secret courtship with Henry, but now with her mother here, it would be so much better to court openly. She wanted to tell her mother so she would never mention the dreaded Mr. Jenks waiting for her in London again.
Julia would talk to Henry about it today. In the meantime, she decided a complete change of subject would be best. “I’ll find Martha. I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you both.”
“Have her tell the housekeeper to get rooms ready for us. Although, from the size of this house, I don’t think she has enough spare rooms. You should mention to her that she can put Harriet in with you.”
“Mother, the room I’m using is Martha’s only spare room. You’ll both have to stay there with me.”
“You cannot be serious!” Julia was worried her mother was angry with her, but instead she turned to Harriet and said, “This is your fault. We could have stayed comfortably home in London if not for your scandalous behavior.”
“We could have stayed comfortably home in London anyway,” was Harriet’s unrepentant reply.
Her mother looked very much like she was grinding her teeth in frustration. She turned back to Julia and said, “Fine, ask Martha if she can accommodate all of us in the one room.”
Julia supposed it didn’t matter; it was just one more thing she had loved about Barrington that felt ruined now. But it would be fine. If she needed solitude, she still had her morning walks. And if she needed solace, she had Henry. With that comforting thought, she smiled at her mother and sister and said, “Of course, Mother,” then set off to do her bidding.
Julia found Martha in her room and informed her of the morning’s events. She offered to oversee all the preparations herself. Martha agreed and with a reluctant look made her way to the drawing room to greet her new guests. Julia found the housekeeper and informed her of the work to be done to ready the room for her mother and sister—it looked like she would be sleeping on a cot on the floor from now on—before returning to the drawing room. When she walked in the room, Martha was in her usual chair embroidering. “Everything all sorted?” she asked Julia.
“Yes, the housekeeper is taking care of everything,” Julia replied.
Turning to Julia’s mother, Martha said, “I hope it’s all to your satisfaction, Marianne.”
“Thank you, Martha,” her mother replied. “I’ll look over my room after we’ve had a chance for some refreshment.”
Julia sank down low on the sofa, wishing her mother would be gracious for a change. She glanced over at Martha and saw she was setting her embroidery down again so she could go interrupt her housekeeper to request a snack for their new guests. Julia jumped up, feeling
that the weight of responsibility should be hers, and said, “Let me go find the housekeeper and let her know refreshments are needed.”
“I’ll find her,” she said. “I’ll have to find Anne too and send her to Barrington Court with the message that we won’t be able to dine with them today.”
“What’s this?” asked Julia’s mother.
“We usually dine at Barrington Court on Saturdays,” Martha replied. “But they won’t mind at all if we can’t attend. It’s just a dinner among friends.”
“Oh no, don’t cancel,” protested Julia’s mother. “Harriet and I don’t want to sit around here, bored all day. Barrington Court will certainly be more interesting. I love to visit fine country homes.”
Martha shrugged and said, “Then I’ll send a note instead, letting them know we have two extra guests with us today. I’m sure they’ll be delighted to have you come.”
Julia didn’t know if she should be relieved or anxious that her mother and sister would be at Barrington Court today. She wanted to spend time with Henry; just thinking his name made her heart flutter. And she always enjoyed her cousin’s company. But the rest of the party she could do without. Her mother was very controlling over how Julia behaved in company, her sister seemed more petulant than usual, and Lady Chamberlain would ask too many questions. It would not be a restful afternoon.
Realizing it was time to leave for her riding lesson, Julia left the room after Martha and slipped out of the house. She set off down the lane that led to the pasture where she would soon be meeting Henry.
A
Chapter 15
Julia waited for Henry to arrive with a pounding heart. She wished it was pounding merely in anticipation of seeing him again for the first time since they had kissed, but the arrival of her family had caused her a significant amount of agitation. She felt that being with Henry and riding Pegasus again would be a relief, an escape even, from her strained state since her mother arrived. A month ago, she would never have dreamed that she would look forward to riding a horse as a relaxing activity, but it was so.
This was the first time Julia had arrived before Henry for their lesson. She had left at the same time as usual, at least according to the clock by the kitchen when she had slipped away, unless it hadn’t been wound properly. But still she couldn’t be more than fifteen minutes early. Julia hadn’t announced to her family that she was leaving. Martha could tell them—if they bothered asking—that she was out for a walk, but she wouldn’t risk missing her lesson today.
Julia felt too worked up to stand and wait patiently so she began to pace. She was so worried that her mother and sister’s presence would ruin her visit to Barrington. She longed to talk it over with Henry, hoping that reassurances from him would calm her. She had never relied on previous suitors for anything before, but it seemed the most natural thing to want Henry by her side as she dealt with this new ordeal. He was so calm and reassuring during their riding lessons, but she hadn’t realized how important that characteristic was to her until now. It wasn’t just that that drew her to him. She loved his confident smile, but even more, when he laughed in surprise. And perhaps her very favorite thing was his selflessness when he had played the pianoforte before her performance. She had been the one to laugh in surprise then.
Julia hoped that he wouldn’t mind being so selfless once more and allow their courtship to be out in the open. If she could tell her mother of Henry’s interest in her, the most significant of the pressure from her would be dispersed. But even if he still wanted their courtship to remain just between them, at least she could look forward to a knowing look when they were in company with others. Her mother’s intimidation wouldn’t feel so horrible if Julia at least knew Henry was there supporting her, even silently. Julia also needed a chance to warn Henry about Mr. Jenks. If her mother mentioned him at dinner today, Julia would be mortified. She had never even met the man, but her mother would be sure to imply a flirtatious history between them as she hinted at Julia’s future wedding.
Julia wished for a watch. What time was it? Surely Henry was quite late by now. She continued to pace and noticed the grasses in her path were flattened. Hopefully he would arrive soon with a simple explanation of meeting with his mother or his steward and losing track of time. Julia paced for several more minutes, casting her eyes often in the direction Henry should be coming from, but Henry, Felix, and Pegasus didn’t arrive. She decided she couldn’t wait anymore and began walking toward Barrington Court, thinking she could meet Henry halfway. Around the first corner she saw the groom who usually accompanied them walking toward her. She pulled back and stopped, waiting for him to approach, wondering how much he knew of what had happened yesterday and what reason he brought her for Henry’s absence today.
He pulled a note from his pocket as he reached her and said merely, “Mr. Chamberlain asked me to give you this.” He waited while she read the short missive and when she looked up he asked, “Would you like me to escort you back, Miss?”
Julia could see the pity in his eyes and wanted desperately to erase it, but couldn’t shake off the hurt fast enough to fool him. She still tried though by responding in a bright voice, “No, thank you, I’ll just continue on my walk.” She smiled at him and his returned smile, laced with sympathy, told her he knew exactly what her hopes and expectations had been and that they had all just been dashed.
Julia turned and walked back the way she had come. It was the opposite direction she needed to go, but she needed a long walk now more than ever. She pulled the crumpled note from her fist and read it again, feeling the distance he had intended with his words.
Miss North, I’m sorry I cannot attend to you today. I will contact you sometime if I have the opportunity to give another short lesson. My apologies. H. Chamberlain
The brevity of the note itself was insulting, but the condescending language of it made Julia feel pitiful. Everything Julia had feared about getting close to him had been confirmed. He could not attend to her today? As though she were some small child who needed minding! And him offering to contact her if he could accommodate her for another lesson? As if she had begged him to teach her rather than him insisting she learn to ride!
His purpose all along must have been to reduce her to a simpering admirer of his. He must not be able to stand having even one lady unwilling to fall at his feet. She couldn’t deny that she had surpassed even Miss Clifton: she was the pathetic one now. She had been completely taken in. All his good qualities that she had been admiring before receiving his note, now struck her as devious manipulations. The only thing she could take comfort in was that she had been more of a challenge for him than most of his admirers. He’d had to give her private horse riding lessons before she had succumbed to his charms. But succumb she had, just like everyone else. Julia thought about the pitying look the groom had given her as he handed her Henry’s note. He had probably delivered dozens of notes just like it on Henry’s behalf.
It wasn’t the first time Henry had disappointed a young lady, she felt sure of it, but little did he know that it wasn’t Julia’s first time being disappointed. She was just being abandoned by another suitor. Nothing more. Henry was nothing more. She was so experienced at this that she wouldn’t even let it bother her at all. At least her mother and sister didn’t know about it or they would reprimand her for it like they always did. In fact, it was quite good luck that no one even knew he had intended to court her.
She suddenly stopped in her tracks as she remembered their kiss. Their private, beautiful, life-changing kiss. Was that how he treated all the young ladies who threw themselves at him? Julia felt repulsed at the thought and her anxiety grew, as did her anger. Yesterday, during their riding lesson, she had told him about the promise she had made to let her mother choose her husband. Perhaps Henry had felt he could kiss her without any repercussions because she was practically betrothed to another man. Regardless of his reason for kissing her, she was appalled that she had almost given Henry Chamberlain the power
to break her heart. Almost. But it was clear to her now just how right Martha had been from the beginning. Henry Chamberlain didn’t have a heart open for love and marriage. She had been fooling herself, thinking that somehow she was different from all the others who had tried before her.
The hurt, angry thoughts continued to come and Julia realized she had walked quite a ways. She would have to turn back soon for home. She still didn’t know the time, but she would need to get ready to dine with her family at Barrington Court. She would have to face Henry again and she hated the thought, but the only thing worse would be what Henry would assume if she didn’t go. She had experience putting on a brave face in front of former suitors. Today would be no different.
When she finally arrived back home, she went to find her mother first thing. Dining at Barrington Court today would be difficult enough without her mother mentioning certain things.
Her mother and Harriet were in the sitting room; strangely Martha was not, even though that’s usually where she was. “Mother and Harriet,” she said, “can I ask a favor of both of you today?” Julia’s mother wasn’t completely unreasonable and Julia hoped she would agree to her request.
“Why aren’t you dressed for Barrington Court, Julia?” she asked. “I hope you haven’t developed country habits, like dining casually.”
“No, Mother,” she replied. “I’m about to get ready; I just wanted to ask this favor first.”
“What is it?”
Julia didn’t feel that her mother would be receptive to her request, but she didn’t have time to wait for her to be in a more cheerful mood. “Will you please not mention Mr. Jenks today at dinner?” Her mother arched an eyebrow and Julia hurried on, “Or any of my courting history. It’s common knowledge in London how many suitors I’ve had, and I cope with the reputation I have there. But here in Barrington … ,” Julia paused a moment, wondering how she could make her mother understand. “It’s nice that no one knows,” she finished flatly.
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