He pulled out of the parking lot, and a few minutes later he pulled up in front of Lizzie’s dark and empty house, wondering where she could be this late. Her class had ended more than an hour ago. Maybe she was with Sky. Sky had called him twice this afternoon, but he hadn’t had it in him to answer the calls. She was so excited about them finally dating that he didn’t want to go through the Don’t worry; it’ll all work out speech that girls always had at the ready. He was also upset with Sky for not warning him about this whole mess.
His phone vibrated with a text and his heart hoped it was from Lizzie—although he couldn’t imagine why she’d text him, especially after he hadn’t returned her text from earlier that morning. He looked at his phone, and the disappointment at seeing his sister’s name hurt way too much for him to admit, even to himself. He shoved his phone into his pocket without reading Trish’s text and drove away.
Chapter Seventeen
AFTER ANOTHER SLEEPNESS night, Blue was showered and dressed before dawn. He needed to see Lizzie, to make sure she was okay and to apologize for reacting like an ass. He wanted to understand why she would put herself in that situation. If she’d even talk to him after the way he’d shut her down when she’d tried to explain. Not that he could have helped how he’d reacted. To say that this had been a blow would be putting it mildly. Hearing that Lizzie was the Naked Baker had completely snowed him under.
The ache of not being with Lizzie was equally as unbearable as the pain of feeling duped. Unwilling to go another day without talking to her, he drove over to her house at six o’clock, parked out front, and waited for her dark house to come to life.
When the lights turned on, he headed around to the kitchen door. He lifted his hand to knock and hesitated, drinking her in for a minute as she stood in the center of the kitchen, her gaze hovering over the sink. He wondered what she was thinking and whether she was thinking of him the way he was thinking of her. She turned, and their eyes connected. Heat stroked down his spine, and a second later, when he must have come into focus through the window on the door, her eyes filled with sadness. His stomach knotted and his heart ached anew.
A hundred unanswered questions settled between them. A full minute later, Lizzie rolled back her shoulders and lifted her chin. He wondered how often she’d had to ready herself like that. Was it hard for her to don the apron and heels and perform in front of the camera? Or did she enjoy it?
Blue’s heart pounded faster with every step she took toward the door, making it hard for him to breathe.
He heard the locks turn, and then the door swung open. She was right there, her sad eyes puffy, as if she’d been crying all night, her sweet lips, which usually appeared to be smiling, were downturned at the edges, and it nearly killed him.
“Hi,” he managed.
“Hi.”
“I’m sorry to show up without warning.”
She stepped aside to let him in. “It’s okay. You can work. I’ll be out of here in a minute.”
He stepped in close, fighting the urge to reach out to her, to hold her until the sadness left them both. To kiss her until they forgot why they were upset in the first place. She closed the door behind him, and the need to be closer was too strong to resist. He touched her shoulder as she took a step away.
She turned, blinking up at him through those impossibly long lashes of hers, drawing him in closer.
“Can we talk?” He shoved his hands in his pockets to keep from holding her so she couldn’t walk away. It would be so easy to take her in his arms, love her, and forget the rest for a while, but he’d screwed up as much as she had, and he didn’t want to force her into talking with him.
She nodded and pressed her lips into a thin line.
“I watched the videos,” he admitted, feeling ashamed, as if he’d done something dirty, and that shame quickly began changing into anger again. He worked hard to push it down deep. He didn’t want to get angry. He wanted to talk.
“Oh.” She dropped her eyes, and the heartache in that one word slayed him again.
He couldn’t stand not touching her and reached for her hand. He wanted to comfort her as much as himself. He needed the connection, if only for a second. “Lizzie, I know I didn’t give you a chance to explain the other night, and I’m sorry. It was a lot to deal with, and honestly, I’m not sure I’ve even begun to scratch the surface, but I need to understand it. I want to understand it.”
“What do you want to know?” she asked softly.
How you can be so close to me and make me feel so loved while you’re doing that for other guys to see? He shifted his eyes away and pushed his selfish thoughts to the side to focus on more important questions.
“How did you get started in all this, and why, when you have so much?”
She nodded again, narrowing her eyes as if she was remembering something painful. “Honestly, Blue, I don’t think any of what I have to say will make a difference if you’ve already decided that you don’t want to be with me.” She turned away.
“I haven’t made any decisions. How could I? I don’t have any information other than that you make these videos.” And I love you, and love doesn’t turn off like a light switch.
“Yes, I make videos.” She spun around with renewed energy—negative energy, aimed directly at him. “I make baking videos wearing nothing but an apron. I did it to make money because when I was in college my father got ill and my parents had to close down the inn for about six months, so we had no money. But I wanted to get my degree, because that’s what you do after high school. You go to college and do all the right things so you can have a good life.” She paced, her voice escalating. “I’ve always done the right thing. Always.”
“Lizzie, I didn’t mean—”
“No, Blue. You asked. Now let me explain, please.” She crossed her arms over her chest, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. “I took out loans and did all the things college students do, okay? But it wasn’t enough for me. I didn’t want to start my adult life strapped with loans and then spend the rest of my life working them off for ten bucks an hour. I wanted to own my own flower shop. Maybe that was selfish of me. I don’t know.”
“So you turned to making half-naked videos?” He hated that he couldn’t keep the distaste from his voice.
“Yes,” she said defiantly, arms crossed, eyes shooting daggers. “At first it was a joke. A girlfriend said we should do it and see if we could earn money that way. She said her brother made videos about gaming, walk-throughs or something, and he was earning a ton of money. I said no, but…I don’t know what happened. It was the end of the semester, and I had no idea how I was going to get money for next semester’s books and tuition. I was working in this rinky-dink flower shop on weekends and two evenings a week and barely making enough money for groceries. I’ve never eaten so many ramen noodles in my life.” She paced the kitchen. “But you wouldn’t know about that, Blue. You come from a wealthy family. You had your life mapped out for you. College was paid for, books, food. You’ve never had to figure that stuff out.”
“That’s not true.” Even as he said the words he knew every bit of what she’d said was true. He’d worked through college, but if he hadn’t, his parents would still have had enough money to send him and his siblings to college—to any school they’d wanted. “Okay, fine, that’s true, but that doesn’t mean I can’t understand where you’re coming from.”
She rolled her eyes and scoffed. “Oh, yes, it does. You’ve never looked into your future and wondered how you were going to make ends meet, or stared at a paper that said you owed fifty-seven thousand dollars for an education you got only to please your family.”
“Okay. I understand what you’re saying, why you needed money. But why this particular thing? I’m sure your friend’s brother didn’t wear nearly nothing on his videos. Why this? Why not just baking, or flower stuff, fully dressed?”
“Like that would earn any money? Come on, Blue. You’re not stupid. You know why.”
&nb
sp; He blew out a frustrated breath. What did he want? To hear that it was all made up? That she didn’t do it? She couldn’t take it back. He didn’t know exactly what he wanted, or what he needed, but he knew he needed Lizzie.
“Am I the only one in the dark about this? I trusted you, Lizzie. I thought you were being honest with me. Honesty is all I ever asked for. What I can’t figure out is how you got Sky to keep it from me.” He crossed his arms over his chest, a barrier between him and the awful feeling of being made a fool of.
She leaned against the counter and her shoulders rounded forward. “I didn’t.”
“Right. You expect me to believe that Sky kept it from me on her own? You know damn well she would never do that. She tells me everything. Everything, Lizzie. I knew about Sawyer before you did.” He closed his eyes for a beat, absorbing the sting of his words. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”
She held up her hand to silence him. “No. You’re right. You are closer to Sky than I am, and I’m sure she would have told you if she’d known.”
“She doesn’t know?” He watched her eyes, looking for the truth, and it was staring right back at him.
Without a word, she shook her head.
“What do your parents think about it?”
She lifted damp eyes to him. “They don’t know either. They’re the reason, well, one of the reasons, that no one knows. You’re the only one I’ve told.”
He felt like he’d been punched in the gut. “You lied to everyone? For all these years? Your sister? Your parents? Your best friend?” Anger simmered inside him again.
“I couldn’t tell my sister or Sky. It might have slipped out around my parents.”
He stepped in closer, unable to quell the anger and disappointment bubbling up and spewing out of his mouth. “You lied to everyone you knew? Don’t you feel any sense of loyalty? An ounce of trust? No,” he said as he paced. “I guess you wouldn’t. You cared about paying off your school loans and opening your business, and to hell with everyone who trusts you.”
Her eyes blazed as she closed the distance between them. “How dare you judge me so unfairly. Don’t you think I’m ashamed of what I’ve done? Do you think I’m proud? Wait—maybe I am a little, for finding a way out of debt, but how dare you think I take this lightly or that I don’t give a damn about my family and friends. I give a damn about everyone, which is why I didn’t tell them. This would kill my parents! And if Sky knew, or Maddy knew, and it slipped out around my parents, then all hell would break loose and my parents would be as angry with them as they would be with me.”
“And what about your self-respect, Lizzie? Didn’t that come into play at all during these years of half-naked baking for strange men who probably jerked off a zillion times to you?” He couldn’t stop the anger from tumbling from his lips, despite the tears rolling down her cheeks and the acidic burn in his gut.
Her voice lowered to an icy calm, and her gaze followed. “I don’t matter. How can you not understand that? Maddy matters. I might have started doing this for myself, but now? Now I’m doing it so Maddy doesn’t have to. And you know what, Blue? I’d do it all over again. I’m an adult. I’ve made my bed. I’ve made my mistakes. And I’ll live with them for the rest of my life, but Maddy won’t have to. She’ll get the education she deserves and she can be proud of, and she’ll come out without loans looming over her head. She needed a shot at having a future that included more than a minimum-wage job, and I gave her that opportunity.”
Shaking his head was all Blue could do as her rationalization ricocheted in his mind. “You’ve got this all figured out, don’t you? No matter what the cost?”
She crossed trembling arms over her chest and thrust her chin out. “This is what I have to do.”
“No, Lizzie. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. There are other ways to make money.”
“Not for me there aren’t. Not for Maddy, either. Don’t you think if I earned enough from my shop, I would stop doing the videos in a heartbeat?”
“I don’t know. Would you? Will you ever walk away from it? Will anything ever mean enough to you to leave it all behind? Or will money always be your driving factor?”
“That’s unfair.” She held his gaze. “It’s not like I want millions of dollars or like I live an extravagant lifestyle. If I hadn’t had a flood and insurance hadn’t paid for the repairs, I would never have renovated my kitchen. And…” She turned away, and when she finally turned back, she blew out a long breath and fell silent, as if she had no fight left in her.
“You know what, Blue? Obviously my judgment is off. I was falling in love with you. I thought we had a real connection, but you don’t know me at all. Not really. Not the parts of me that matter, because if you did, this wouldn’t mean a damn thing.”
He reached out to her, but she pulled away.
“How can you say that, Lizzie? You’re hiding behind all of this shit. Is it sexy? Hell, yes, it would be if you were acting it out for me—for us—in the privacy of our own home. But you’re rationalizing your way in and out of this whole mess.”
She drew in a deep breath, shoulders shaking so badly she reached for the counter. “I’m proud of finding a way out of debt. And I’m proud of what I’ve done for Maddy.”
It was hard not to admire her determination, almost as hard as it was to deal with the betrayal.
“How can you put yourself out there the way you do night after night and say you’re falling in love with me? If you loved me, then you wouldn’t be able to fathom stripping down twice a week and seducing a bunch of strangers for money.”
“You told me to trust you, Blue. You said you wanted to be the man I shared my secrets with, but I guess you wanted to handpick those secrets.”
He strode to the door, feeling low and lost and like the fucking mess he was, but he was too brokenhearted to do anything else. With one hand on the doorknob and his back to Lizzie, he said, “I’m a man of my word. I’ll finish your renovations, and I’ll try to stay out of your way. But open your eyes, Lizzie. Someone who’s proud of what they’re doing doesn’t lie to the people who love them.”
Chapter Eighteen
LIZZIE WAS SHAKING so badly after Blue left that it had taken her an hour just to leave the kitchen. So much of what he’d said had been true—she was rationalizing, and if her family and friends knew what she was doing, they would be hurt, ashamed, and embarrassed by it, too. But, right or not, she stood firm in her convictions. Not everyone had it easy or made preferable choices in life. Not that she thought of herself as being underprivileged or forced into doing what she’d done, but if she had to do it again, she would. There were things she’d do differently, like tell Blue about it before they got in so deep, but she still would have taken the same path. It was an embarrassing thing to do, but it was a means to an end.
She sat on the floor in the living room staring up at the painting they’d made the other night, futilely trying to weed through her tangled emotions. Was she being stubborn? Should she stop doing the show and plead for Blue to come back to her? She felt empty, depleted of all the goodness they’d shared. The hole he’d left when he’d walked out the door might never heal. How could love hurt so much?
She always did the right thing. Always.
Didn’t she?
Blue’s words sailed painfully through her mind. Someone who’s proud of what they’re doing doesn’t lie to the people who love them.
Damn if he wasn’t one hundred percent right. She forced herself to her feet and went into her bathroom to get a grip on herself. Why was it that when a woman cried it affected every ounce of her being? Her eyes and nose were pink and puffy, and her hair was all over the place, as if she’d been out in a windstorm. She brushed her hair and washed her face, forgoing any makeup, because she was sure she wasn’t done crying.
She packed up her laptop and headed out to the car, determined to fix the things Blue was right about. She had been rationalizing, saving herself embarrassment, b
y not telling Sky about what she was doing. Of all people, Sky would understand. She was not only her closest friend, but she hadn’t grown up with a silver spoon in her mouth.
Lizzie started her car as Blue’s truck pulled up to the curb. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, not at all ready for another confrontation. She pushed her broken heart out of her throat, got out of her car, and stomped over to him, determined to stand strong.
“What else could you possibly have to say?” she asked with a stoic stare.
“I promised to finish the work. I’m here to do that.” He got out of the truck, and the sadness in his eyes made her heart ache. He reached for her, and she bristled.
“Lizzie, please. This is hard for both of us.”
She didn’t even try to respond, knowing she’d cry if she did, and when he tugged her in close and wrapped his strong arms around her, the urge to melt into him was overwhelming. There was no stopping the tears that fell from her eyes. Blue’s comfort felt too good.
“I love you too much to walk away from us,” he said with such tenderness to his voice that it tugged at her to tell him the same. “I don’t want to be the kind of couple who ends things in a fury, Lizzie. That’s not us. We just need to talk, so we can both come to grips with our feelings and figure out where we go from here.”
He felt too safe, but he wasn’t safe, not the kind of safe she needed.
“You once told me that you’d never get enough of kissing me, and I told you that I’d never regret being close to you.” She forced herself to meet his apologetic gaze. His lips were so close, and she knew if she went up on her toes and pressed her mouth to his, he’d kiss her back, despite his misgivings, despite what happened between them. She wanted that kiss so badly she could taste it, but that wasn’t good enough, and she knew in her heart it wouldn’t solve a damn thing.
“I’m sorry, Blue, but right at this second, I do regret it. It hurts. Every time I look in your eyes, every time you touch me, it brings back the things you said to me.” She paused, biting back the urge to cry. She pushed from his chest on shaky legs.
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