“Lizzie, I have so much more to say. Can we please just talk about this?”
“No. I can’t talk about it, not right now. I know that you feel like I did this to you, but despite what it looks like, I didn’t do this to you. Maybe I should have told you sooner, but that wouldn’t have changed what I’ve done or what I will continue to do for Maddy.” Before she broke down in tears, she said, “I have to go.”
She ran to her car, holding her breath the whole way, and sped down the street and around the corner, where she pulled over and slammed the car into park—and finally let go in an endless stream of gulps and sobs. She cried for having kept her secret for so long and for the look in Blue’s eyes when she’d told him, and she cried for the parents she wished she’d had and for the reality that no matter how much she wished her life could be different, this was the hand she was dealt.
An hour later she stood at the back door of Sky’s tattoo shop clutching her laptop and feeling like a drowned rat. If she hadn’t known she looked like hell, the look in Sky’s eyes as they rolled over her would have been a dead giveaway.
“Holy shit. What happened to you?” Sky pulled her into a comforting embrace, and for a moment Lizzie allowed herself to soak in that comfort.
After the way Sky had reacted to finding out about Blue asking her out, she didn’t expect a warm welcome of any kind once she revealed what else she’d kept from her. But she’d be damned if she’d let anyone think she was doing the wrong thing.
Sky tried to usher her inside. “Come sit down with me.”
Lizzie shook her head. “Can we talk for a minute?”
“Yeah, sure.” Sky held her by the shoulders and searched her eyes. “Are you okay by yourself for a minute while I lock the front door?”
Lizzie nodded and waited nervously for Sky to return. When she did, they sat in silence on the back stoop. The afternoon sun beat down on them but did nothing to quell the chill running through Lizzie’s heart.
“Sky, I think Blue and I broke up.”
Sky folded her into her arms. “Oh, no. Lizzie, no wonder you look like hell. What happened?”
“It’s my fault.” Tears sprang from her eyes as she pulled out of Sky’s arms. “I didn’t tell him about something I should have.”
Sky reached for Lizzie’s hand. “Tell me what happened. I’m sure whatever it is, you guys will get through this.”
Lizzie shook her head. “I’m not so sure. And I’m not sure you’ll forgive me either.”
“Forgive you?” She let out a little laugh. “What do you mean? You didn’t cheat on Blue, did you? Because you’re right; I might not forgive you for that. He’s my friend, too.”
She shook her head again. “I haven’t been with anyone else.” This was much harder than she’d thought it would be. Her chest tightened up as she tried to figure out what to say.
“Then what could I ever not forgive you for?”
She opened her mouth to blurt it out, but no words came. Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. “Shit. This is so hard.”
Sky gathered her in close again. “Lizzie, you can tell me anything.”
“No. No, I can’t. People say that, but they don’t really mean it. It’s like when someone says they’ll love you forever, and you think they really will. Only you don’t think through all the conditions that go along with that love.”
“Okay, slow down.” Sky held her by the shoulders again. “Slow down and clue me in, because you’re not making sense and you’re scaring me a little.”
Lizzie inhaled deeply and blew it out slowly. “Remember when you asked about how I started my business, and I said I took out loans?”
“Sure.”
“I didn’t exactly take out loans.” She nibbled on her lower lip, folding and unfolding her hands. “I had enough money to open it outright.”
“Okay.”
She averted her eyes, looking at the ground, at her hands, anywhere but at Sky. “I do a webcast that I’ve monetized, and that’s how I paid for my shop and my school loans. And Maddy’s tuition and books.”
“A webcast? Well, that’s good, right? I mean if you’re earning enough to do all those things, why didn’t you just tell me? Were you worried I’d be jealous?”
She lifted her eyes to Sky’s. “No. I knew you’d never be jealous, but I’ve been ashamed by the type of show it is.”
“Are we talking porn?” Sky’s eyes widened with the possibility.
Lizzie shook her head. “No. I’ve got clothes on. Just not many.” She opened her laptop and laid it on Sky’s lap. She’d already queued up one of the Naked Baker videos.
“The Naked Baker?” Sky’s jaw gaped. “Holy shit, Lizzie.”
Lizzie buried her face in her hands. “I’m not naked. Just watch five minutes of it—you’ll get the idea.” She turned away as Sky clicked play. When her voice sounded, it felt foreign to her. She could clearly hear the difference between the put-on sensuality on the video and the real emotions that accompanied the things she’d said to Blue when they were intimate—the things that came straight from her heart.
A minute later Sky closed the laptop. “I can’t watch any more,” she said softly.
Lizzie waited for Sky to give her hell, and when she said nothing, and gently placed a hand on Lizzie’s shoulder, it pulled more tears from her eyes.
“Did Blue see these?”
Lizzie nodded without turning to face her.
Sky wrapped her arms around her from behind and rested her cheek against her back. “It’s gonna be okay.”
It was all Lizzie could do to shake her head as more tears fell.
“It really will be okay,” Sky reassured her.
Lizzie turned in to Sky’s embrace, and she cried on her friend’s shoulder. She was at no loss for reasons for her tears. She cried for keeping the truth hidden from everyone she loved, she cried for the demeaning things she’d done to earn money, and she cried for the man she’d never meant to hurt. And then, when she thought she’d cried all the tears she could possibly shed, she leaned back and looked into Sky’s eyes and she cried for the friendship she truly, desperately needed and the woman she hadn’t been fair to.
“You don’t hate me?” she asked.
“Hate you? You didn’t do anything to me, other than not trust me with your sexy little secret. No, I don’t hate you.” She wiped Lizzie’s tears away and smiled. “In fact, I think I love you even more knowing you’re not the Goody Two-shoes you appear to be.”
They both laughed at that. Lizzie swiped at her tears, thankful that she hadn’t lost her best friend, too. “I’m sorry, Sky. I’m sorry I lied to you about everything, including Blue asking me out. I’m so sorry.”
“Shh. It’s okay.” She pressed her hand to the laptop. “So Blue saw the videos? How many are there?”
Lizzie closed her eyes as she answered. “Two per week since my sophomore year of college.” She opened her eyes, and Sky’s hand was covering her mouth.
“Oh, Lizzie. And he…what? What happened?”
She filled Sky in on what happened with Blue and felt the weight of the world fall from her shoulders. She hadn’t realized how much effort it took to keep her secret.
“I’m going to tell my family this weekend when I see them.”
Sky touched her hand. “I don’t know if I’d do that. Your parents definitely won’t be cool with this.”
“I know, but Blue’s right. I’m hiding this from the people I love most, and while I’m embarrassed by it, I don’t really believe they’d turn me away because of it.” She wasn’t as confident as she sounded, given her staunch upbringing, but saying aloud that they wouldn’t gave her a kernel of hope.
“Lizzie, Blue doesn’t know your parents like I do. I think he’s wrong to push you to do that, and I think you know that.”
“He didn’t push me. He just opened my eyes.” She reached for her laptop. “I want to show you something else.” She pulled up the email she’d read the other night before
leaving the shop and opened the query from the Food Channel Network, then turned the computer so Sky could read it.
“It sounds like they want to turn it into a cable show,” Sky said excitedly. “The Naked Baker on television? Oh my God! What are you going to do?”
She shrugged. “There isn’t exactly anything to do yet. It’s an inquiry, probably just a form letter or something. I haven’t even had time to think about it. Besides, it’s not really a possibility. I mean, a webcast is one thing, but doing that as a full-time job? Giving up my shop? Moving away from the Cape to wherever they’d want to film it? No way. That was never my plan. It’s one email. Who knows what they really want, but if they do want to make it into a show, I can’t see how it’s something I could even consider.” With all of her relationships being put to the test, that email was the least of her concerns.
“Does Blue know?”
“No. It would just add pressure to an already untenable situation.” Not to mention that she’d told him that she regretted being with him, which wasn’t really true. She regretted not being with him, but hurt had twisted her thoughts.
“Lizzie, he’ll come around. This is a lot for a guy to come to grips with. Guys are possessive. I know Sawyer would have a hard time with it, and can you just imagine what my brothers would do if they found out I was doing something like that? I’d be banished to a high tower under lock and key. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but guys are funny about that stuff.”
Lizzie’s shoulders slumped. “Is it really that much to come to grips with? I mean, obviously I knew in my heart that no guy would want to date a girl who did this, but I thought what Blue and I had was stronger. I thought it was different, and real, and could weather anything.”
“You’re my two best friends in the world, and I would bet anything that you’ll figure this out.” Sky shook her head. “But I still wouldn’t tell your parents.”
“You know what? I kind of want a clean slate. If I’ve already lost Blue, what else really matters? I think I’m going to tell my parents, just to get it all out in the open, and I might as well talk to the Food Channel Network. At least then I’m doing something other than thinking about all the ways I ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Chapter Nineteen
BLUE DID A week’s worth of work in one day in Lizzie’s kitchen. He loved her so much. How could he have thought that he could work around her things all day, smell her perfume, walk the same floors she walked, without that love blooming bigger, digging deeper? He had to get past his issues with this Naked Baker shit, because nothing was worth losing Lizzie.
Hadn’t he lied to her, too, when he’d said he wanted to be the man she trusted with her secrets? Obviously he’d done a shitty job of being a stand-up boyfriend. She’d opened herself up to him with courage and conviction. She’d trusted him—and only him—the same way she had on their date when she’d told him that she needed him to be strong, because she knew she couldn’t be. And he’d been too wrapped up in anger and hurt to see her confession for what it was.
Now, as he finished leveling the oven, he realized what else he’d been too blinded by his own emotions to recognize. She’d been going through all this alone this whole time. She’d worked at night to pay off her debts and help Maddy without any support from anyone. She’d kept it a secret, and while that might have been wrong in his eyes, who was he to judge her? She was stronger than anyone he knew. She’d needed a solution, and she’d done just what she’d said. She’d figured it out. Alone. Without the support of friends or family. Or him.
He’d acted like an ass, and they had a lot of crap to work through. He had a lot of crap to work through. He still wasn’t sure he could deal with knowing strangers watched her in those sexy videos. He wasn’t even sure if he could handle his family and friends finding out she made them. He was a jealous bastard, and that realization made him feel even more like an ass. He didn’t matter now. What mattered was apologizing to Lizzie and letting her know that she wasn’t alone anymore—something he should have done the moment she’d told him. But hell, he was only human.
Blue was gathering his tools when Lizzie came through the kitchen door later that evening. Her jeans were torn at the knee, and she had dirt all over her hands and streaked across her cheeks. His heart squeezed at the sight of her, and his protective urges sent him rushing to her side.
“What happened?” He wanted to take her in his arms and kiss away the pain and loneliness he saw in her eyes, but knew he shouldn’t. Instead, he ran a dish towel under warm water to clean her up.
“I slipped on the hill at the cemetery when I was dropping off flowers.” She toed off her dirty shoes and dropped her flower tote to the floor.
He tried to concentrate on wiping the dirt from her cheek instead of on the sadness in her eyes, but damn if his heart wasn’t aching too badly after everything they’d said to each other. He felt sick over their situation and all the hurtful things he’d said and the way she’d so forcefully told him that she regretted being close to him. Now, standing so near, cupping her cheek in one hand as he cleaned her face and saw all the emotions he’d been wondering if she still felt, he could barely hold his feelings back. He wanted to drop to his knees and apologize a hundred times over, but she obviously needed help right now.
“Are you hurt?”
“No, just annoyed.” She reached for the towel and rested her hand over his. “You don’t have to…”
“I want to.” Their eyes held, heat filling the space between them, despite the harshness of their earlier argument. She was already too big a part of him to let the fissure between them grow any bigger. But for the first time in his life, Blue felt unprepared. He had no idea how to get from this terrible place they’d landed back to where they belonged. He finished wiping her face and knelt to check out her knee, taking a moment to regroup.
“Your jeans are torn pretty badly.”
“They’re old. It’s okay.”
“You’re bleeding.” He held her calf, wishing desperately he could take back the hurtful things he’d said and they could start over and deal with this before they started dating. Maybe then it wouldn’t feel like such a betrayal. But even that didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered was taking care of Lizzie, and by some grace of God, if she’d forgive him for his reaction, then he’d make sure she never felt alone again.
He wiped the blood from her knee, and tried to gain control of his emotions as desire to hold her filled him again. He finally rose to his feet and met her gaze.
“You should change so we can clean up your cut.”
Her lips parted as if she was going to say something, but he had so many things he wanted to say first that he cut her off.
“Lizzie.” He couldn’t resist touching her cheek, brushing his thumb over her jaw. “I’m sorry I said all those things to you. I had no right to judge you or to make you feel bad for what you’re doing. I love you so much, and you trusted me, but I was too blind to see it.” Her lower lip trembled, and he stepped in closer. “I don’t know where we go from here, but I miss you. I love you. I can’t stop thinking about you.”
She dropped her eyes. “Blue—”
He lifted her chin. “We don’t have to talk about it right now. We’ll just end up arguing, and I don’t want that. I just need this. I need to be close to you. Even if only for a few minutes. I need you to know I love you and to know how truly sorry I am for everything I said.”
She pressed her lips together and nodded, as if she needed him, too. And when she walked into his open arms, it felt like she’d come home.
“You smell so good, Lizzie.” He slid his hand to the nape of her neck and gazed into her eyes. “You feel like you’re still mine, and I know I have no right to even think that way.”
She lifted one shoulder.
“I hate myself so much for overreacting. I was hurt, but I understand now, and I feel like I betrayed you by saying I would be here for you and then wasn’t
.” He cringed inwardly as that last bit of truth left his lips. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”
He touched his forehead to hers and closed his eyes, breathing her in, hoping, praying she’d give him another chance. “Can you ever trust me again? Do you miss me at all, or did I ruin us?” he whispered.
“I…” Her whisper faded, and her hands clutched his waist. “Blue.” Her fingers dug into his skin through the fabric of his shirt, and she had that wanting look in her eyes, as if she, too, knew that their being close wouldn’t help, but she needed it as badly as he did.
“I know it won’t fix anything, but I so desperately want to kiss you.”
She nodded, the slightest of movements. She went up on her toes, as she’d done so many times before, and he lowered his lips to hers. The first touch sent a shock of awareness through him—chased by a wave of guilt. Her mouth was warm and tender, and when she pushed away, confusion in her eyes, he feared he’d made things worse.
“Blue,” she said sharply, covering her mouth with a shaky hand. “We can’t. You can’t kiss me. We’ll never make sense of this.”
“I’m sorry. I thought you wanted it, too. I can’t help it. I just feel so much for you.” He took a step away, rubbing a knot at the back of his neck. “I’m confused by everything.”
“So am I, but this isn’t going to help.” She took a step back.
Her words, her actions, told him to stay back, but the look in her eyes had him closing the distance between them again. He couldn’t talk, couldn’t think, could only feel, and damn it, he couldn’t let her walk away.
She stared up at him with defiance in her eyes. When she grabbed his shirt and tugged him into a savage kiss, his thoughts reeled away. Their bodies smoldered together like melted metal. His emotions soared and skidded, spiraling out of control as his hands moved roughly over her hips.
Seized By Love Page 17