Lost In You

by Remmy Duchene

  “No rush.”

  “Jack? You okay?”

  Jackson shook his head. “I’m fine…just…aroused.”

  “Okay, you’re a growing boy. It happens.”

  “That’s not it.” Jackson dragged a hand over his head. Though he wanted to hide in one of the rooms upstairs, he followed Darius into the kitchen. “It’s so infuriating.”

  Darius tilted his head. “Come on. I know you better than most people around. Something is wrong. You can come to me about anything.”

  “I know, Uncle Darius. It’s— I really— This is inappropriate. But I can’t help it. Then to add to that, one second he seems like he’s flirting with me and then the next, nothing. It could be all in my head. I’m well aware of that. I could have misinterpreted what his actions toward me meant. It happens all the time, right? This whole relationship thing is a pain in the ass.”

  “Um…”

  “I mean, sure he’s older than me. But I’m not a kid.”

  “Jack—”

  “And how comes he’s so hot and cold? Shouldn’t a man his age know what he wants? What do you think?”

  “Well—”

  “Uncle Darius, I don’t get it. Maybe I should just follow my first instinct and leave well enough alone.”

  “You see—”

  “After all, it’s not like a man like him would be interested in me, anyway. What was I even thinking getting so worked up about all—?”

  “Jackson!”

  Jackson blinked. “What? Stop yelling at me!”

  “Can I get a word in here?” Darius asked.

  “Sure.” Jackson’s cheeks heated. “Sorry.”

  “Who are we talking about?”

  Jackson sighed. “Weren’t you listening?”

  “Yes, but you just rambled on and on. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise and you never mentioned who you were referring to. Let’s start over. Who is this man and why is flirting with him inappropriate?”

  Jackson walked to the window and stared out to where Ko was laughing at something Ravinder was saying. The whole group seemed to be having a good guffaw so that meant Ravinder was telling a story. “Ko.”

  “Does he know you’re interested?”

  “Are you kidding? No way. What would I know about seeing a man like that, anyway?”

  “A man like what?”

  “He’s mature, smart, wealthy beyond my wildest dreams. He works hard and at his age he probably knows what he wants and it can’t be me.”

  “He should be so lucky.” Darius sounded irritated. “When did you get such a low opinion of yourself, huh? I thought Kent and I raised you better than that.”

  “When it comes to regular things, I go for it. But this isn’t like getting straight A’s in school or hitting the game-winning homerun. This is so much more than all those things combined. I can’t.”

  Darius sighed. “You won’t know until you try. Have I told you how I met Feng?”

  “At the diner he used to work at.”

  “Yeah. What I didn’t tell you was that he hated my guts the first time I met him,” Darius said. “But I was attracted to him. The fact that he still wanted to strangle me even after he found out who I was made that draw to him even stronger and I had to fight to get him alone just so he could see something in me.”

  “And it worked.”

  “It worked. Attraction isn’t the only thing but it’s one of the first things. It needs to be a two-way street and constant. How I got Feng is the exact thing you should not do. Find a way to figure out how he sees you. Maybe after the contract is over you can ask him out to dinner.”

  “I’m liable to combust if I wait that long,” Jackson muttered.

  “Well…” Darius’ voice was right beside him. “Looks like he’s going down to the beach. Now’s as good a time as any to have a little chat.”

  Jackson’s heart raced with those words. He watched until Ko disappeared on the path leading from Darius’ place toward the beach. For a moment he hesitated but Darius merely grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge and handed them to Jackson.

  “You don’t even have to speak,” Darius said. “Just hand the man a beer.”

  “I…”

  “Trust me.”

  With a nervous smile, Jackson accepted them and exited the house. He hurried along the path that was lit with Christmas lights Feng had strung along the trees all the way down to the end of the private pier and back. He caught up to Ko just as he stepped off the pier and onto the sand.

  “Hey,” Jackson said, extending a beer.

  “Hey.” Ko accepted. “Thanks. Don’t think I should be drinking.”

  “Oh. Sorry.” Jackson wrung the cap off the bottle and took a long drink.

  The two walked in silence across the sand until they were just out of reach of the water. The moon was like a giant pie in the sky. Though the water was dark and Jackson could only see the waves once they died against the shore, he knew the water was there in the abyss. The sound of the waves rolling in only to draw back always gave him a sense of serenity he didn’t get anywhere else but on a dance floor.

  “Isn’t Charlie going to wonder where you are?” Ko asked.

  “Is that jealousy I hear?” Jackson countered.

  “Yes.”

  Jackson chuckled, his face burst into flames and his body trembled. “You’re serious?”

  “Beating around the bush takes too much energy. I’m older, Jackson. I don’t have that kind of time or patience.”

  “Why? Why would you be jealous of Charlie? It’s not like you’re interested in me, and why would you be? I’m sure you can get any of those wealthy Wall Street types you want.”

  Jackson sat in the sand and rooted his toes. For a while, he said nothing. Suddenly he was back in high school again with a crush on Charlie and had no idea how to act or what to say. But Ko wasn’t Charlie. Ko wasn’t seventeen years old and unsure of his sexuality.

  “I should get back,” Jackson said, rising to dump the rest of his beer into the sand. The alcohol might be playing a role in the way his mind was feeling. As he tried walking by, Ko stood, caught Jackson’s arm and yanked him backward. Jackson turned and crashed into Ko’s chest. The force tore a gasp from Jackson’s lips.

  Ko’s vise-like grip against Jackson’s arm loosened somewhat but Jackson didn’t move. Neither spoke. The sound of the waves blended with a dog barking in the distance did nothing to interrupt what was happening between them.

  Instead of trying to get away, Jackson braced his palms to Ko’s chest and trembled as Ko’s warm breath washed over Jackson’s face. Ko smelled like fire and leather, a hot combination on the right man’s flesh. Jackson closed his eyes and tilted his head, giving Ko access to his mouth should Ko choose to take it. Their breaths mingled and with each exhalation Jackson’s body brushed into Ko’s. Electricity crackled around them.

  “Tell me you don’t want this.” Ko’s voice hitched. “Tell me to let you go. That this is inappropriate and I have no right.”

  “I don’t want this,” Jackson said softly. “Let me go because this is inappropriate and you have no right.”

  Ko exhaled loudly and instantly let his hand fall away from Jackson’s arm. Jackson took that moment to peel his body from Ko, turned on his heels and fled up the path back to the house. When he returned, he merely grabbed his wallet and headed for the door. Charlie caught him half-stumbling down the front steps.

  “Whoa! What the fuck?”

  “Sorry, but I can’t stay here,” Jackson said.

  “What? Did he do something?”

  “No,” Jackson whispered, the word leaving a bad taste in his mouth. “That’s the problem. We haven’t even started working together yet and already I want to jump into his bed. I’m not thinking straight right now.”

  “Jack, wanting to fall in a man’s bed isn’t the end of the world,” Charlie advised. “It shows you’re human and humans are sexual beings. Stop holding yourself up to this impossible standar
d. Ko is sexy. Any gay man or straight woman would be truly cold if they didn’t want him all over them.”

  “Do you want to fall into his bed?”

  “For the night? Yes. He’s not really my forever type.”

  “This is stupid. It’s like I’m intoxicated by him and every time he shows a little kindness I go all loopy.”

  “Again, that’s normal.”

  “He thinks you and I are together.”

  “You set him straight?” Charlie asked. “Right?”

  “No.”

  Charlie sighed.

  “What?”

  “He’s never going to make a move if he thinks you’re involved,” Charlie said. “From what I’ve read about Ko Takao, he’s not really old-world Japanese in all things, just some things. High morals are one of those things. What’re you gonna do, huh? Run away every time he enters a room?”

  “It has crossed my mind.”

  Charlie shook his head. “Go back down there and set him straight about you and me. Then, tell him what you’re thinking.”

  Jackson took a breath then hugged Charlie tightly. At that moment, the front door opened again and Ko stepped through. He offered them a tight smile.

  “Goodnight,” Ko said, passing by and heading straight for a dark sports car.

  “Ko!” Jackson called. “Ko, wait.”

  “I’m sorry. I have to go. But see you Saturday.”

  Jackson jogged after him and caught Ko just as he opened the car door to climb in. “You and I need to talk. Can I treat you to lunch tomorrow?”

  “I…” Ko glanced to where Charlie was still standing now on his phone. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “We need to clear up a few things before we start this job. Meet me at Coalminers at twelve?”

  Ko said nothing.

  “Please?”

  “Okay. Twelve.” Ko entered the car and Jackson stepped back so he could close the door. He didn’t so much as honk but reversed from the driveway.

  Jackson remained there. He didn’t know for how long, but at some point Charlie finished his call and was standing beside him.

  “You didn’t tell him, did you?”

  “No.”

  “Why not? Jackson, he was right there.”

  “He needs to breathe right now. I invited him to lunch tomorrow down at Coalminers. Hopefully he’d have enough time to think by then.”

  Charlie sighed. “Hopefully he’ll show up.”

  “That, too.”

  Chapter Eight

  The next morning was Friday. The sun shone brightly through every window in Ko’s place. He stood for a moment to stare across the vast landscape at the mountains in the distance, wanting to feel as large and out-of-the-world wonderful as he imagined they did. But in the back of his mind, Jackson lurked like a specter.

  Usually Ko would use the first few hours to hit the gym but if he was going to make it to Coalminers, he had to skip that. Then, to make matters worse, he received a call from his photographer that she was in the hospital and had to cancel with him. Thankfully, she hadn’t signed the contract yet but he still had to find a new photographer.

  Groaning, he wrapped a towel around his damp hips and grabbed his iPad. He Facetimed Stella and she leaned in to eye him.

  “You didn’t sleep last night,” Stella said

  “Of course I slept.”

  “Nope. The bags under your eyes tell the story as plain as the nose on your face.” She sat back. “What’s going on?”

  “First, Audrey can’t do the shoot. She’s in the hospital right now and even though she didn’t tell me what’s happening, I’m going to assume it’s bad.”

  “I’ll look into that.”

  “Send her some flowers for me.”

  “Okay. Tasha Simpson is a good one, too—she shot Jackson Stark for Men Tower.”

  “I remember.” Ko nodded. “Get a hold of her. Find out if she’s available for the dates we need her. She might want to use a different concept for the shoot, I don’t know.”

  “Those are easy enough. What’s the next issue?”

  “I think I have a thing for Jackson— No, wait, let me rephrase that. I know I have a thing for him.”

  “So he does swing your way! I knew it!”

  Ko glared at her.

  “What? I’m happy for you. Aww, come on now! Please tell me you’ve made your intentions known!”

  “What is this? The eighteen hundreds? Forget I asked that. Look, last night I almost crossed the line. Then I saw him outside with his boyfriend and I lost my mind. I don’t even know why I’m going to see him today. I don’t need the added temptation of seeing him outside of a professional setting.”

  “No. What you don’t like is not being in control.”

  Ko wanted to scream. Instead, he rubbed his tired eyes and yawned. “Listen, do those things for me. I have a couple more things to get done before I need to head out for lunch. Did you hear back from Ivor?”

  “Yeah. I just got off the phone with him. He’s starting the updates today.”

  “Perfect. I noticed we haven’t gotten any more complaints, but I still need the bugs worked out.”

  Stella nodded. “Well, have fun on your date.”

  “It’s not a date.”

  “Me thinks—”

  “If you say thou protests too much I’m going to strangle you.”

  Stella giggled. “Now, now, Mr. Takao. What would Buddha do?”

  Ko crinkled his nose at her but couldn’t help laughing. “Go away, Stella.”

  “Right away, sir.”

  Even as the tablet went back to his screensaver, Ko was laughing and shaking his head. Sometimes Stella could be a little vulgar but he couldn’t see his life without her. Feeling refreshed, he got dressed in a pair of blue jeans and a black dress shirt. Working from home didn’t mean he was less busy. In fact, the phone calls were forwarded to him so he had to deal with them anyway. The emails never stopped coming and neither did the headaches of dealing with people who wished to work for Hansamu in whatever capacity, though they weren’t remotely qualified.

  Giving up on those for the day, he set his sights on the scholarship he and his father had been talking about developing. He didn’t think it would be so complicated but there was a lot of research and proposal writing involved. So far, he had finished the first draft but a few paragraphs stood out as clumsy and raw. Before he knew it, time had gotten by him and he was definitely going to be late for lunch with Jackson.

  Ko hurried out of the door, his leather jacket over his arm. Then it was a mad dash across town to Coalminers. Finding parking was another pain in the ass but he managed to snag a space from a blue sports car. He found Jackson at one of the private tables overlooking the mountains.

  “I’m sorry I’m late. I was working from home and time just kind of got away from me.”

  “It’s fine,” Jackson said. “Please, sit.”

  Ko hung his jacket over the back of his chair and took a seat. He ordered a mimosa then laced his fingers in his lap. Jackson seemed as though he hadn’t gotten any sleep either. His dark eyes were slightly red and he didn’t seem like the same man Ko had seen at the Kingly photo shoot. That look on Jackson worried him more than he cared to admit.

  “So, you wanted to talk to me,” Ko said. “What about?”

  “Straight to the point, huh?”

  “Remember what I said about beating around the bush?”

  “Right, sorry. First, Charlie and I aren’t together—well, we aren’t together anymore.”

  Ko pressed his lips into a thin line.

  “I mean, we dated but that was in high school. We broke up in college because…because…we broke up because we wanted different things.”

  “I see. You seem pretty close for exes. All the guys I’ve broken up with or who’ve broken up with me I want dead.”

  “I know that’s how people think it should be. Charlie and I didn’t have a bad breakup. We both agreed to walk away
from dating but there was nothing wrong with our friendship.”

  “You were friends who had sex going back to being friends—how did your other boyfriends handle that?”

  “They didn’t. When they heard Charlie and I slept together they ran for the hills. I guess if you were smart you would, too.”

  Ko shook his head. “I’m a grown man, Jack. I do what I please.”

  “Right.”

  “But there is a thought of you sleeping with Charlie again,” Ko said. “Any man who had a brain would worry about that.”

  “Then that man and his brain don’t trust me, and if that’s the case, we can’t be together.”

  “But what if this man and his brain thought you were very sexy and would like to get to know you?”

  “Then this man…”

  “And his brain…”

  “Of course.” Jackson nodded. “Would have to get over me and Charlie sleeping together. Man and brain would have to accept that Charlie is my friend and he’s not going anywhere. And that if this man doesn’t know that when I’m with him, he’s the only man giving it to me, then he needs to go to hell.”

  “With his brain.”

  “Right.”

  Ko pressed his lips into a thin line.

  “Anyway,” Jackson continued, “last night, I just told you what you wanted to hear because I figured it would make you feel better. It would leave you with no regrets, no guilt of what I knew was coming.”

  “What was coming?”

  “You were going to kiss me. And men like you would immediately apologize and run. It was probably for the best, anyway.”

  “Men like me?”

  “Yes. Moral men. Men who like it in one position and think it’s against God to do it remotely different. Men who will get wild in bed then ask for forgiveness. Men like you.”

  Ko chuckled. He waited until after the server brought their drinks, took their meal order and left again before he said anything. “And you think I’m vanilla in bed?”

  “I don’t think you are. I know you are.”

  “How?”

  “I can just tell.”

  “Come on, Jackson, that’s not an answer.”

  Jackson frowned. “Fine. You’re always proper, Ko. The way you speak, dress, walk—last night on the beach, I know you wanted me. I could tell, especially when your voice cracked. But you didn’t just take what you wanted—you gave me and yourself an escape. All of it tells me the only thing missing is drinking tea from one of those tiny cups with your pinky sticking out. I don’t mean to offend you. It’s just what I think.”