Lost In You

by Remmy Duchene

  Ko nodded.

  Not long afterward they were both sitting in Thaddeus’ office. The large house had two, Ko remembered. “Um, you can’t tell Darius or Feng what I’m about to tell you.”

  “You’re scaring me, Ko. What’s wrong?”

  “I—uh—Jackson and I— Well, we slept together.”

  “Okay? And?”

  “You know how I swore up and down that there isn’t a man alive for me and that I had given up on finding someone?”

  Thaddeus nodded.

  Ko took a big gulp from his juice and set the cold glass on a coaster on Thaddeus’ desk. He stood beside his chair and folded his arms across his chest. “I let myself go there, Thaddeus. And now Jackson wants out and I feel like an idiot. I feel—”

  “What do you mean he wants out?”

  “I don’t think he wanted a relationship. All he wanted was me for one night. But uh…”

  “That’s not what you want.”

  Ko shook his head. “Of course not. There’s a thing in Jackson’s spirit that attracts me and I wanted the chance to show him that I could be more than just a passing fancy for him—I could make him happy.” Ko paused. His frustration pulsed at his lower back then spiraled through him like sparks of lightning. “Stupid, right?” He faced the window and as he walked by Thaddeus’ desk, he dragged a fingertip against it. “I’m not in love with him—not yet.”

  “Then why do you think this hurts you so much?”

  “I wanted to fall in love with him. I was willingly to let my heart go there.” Ko rubbed his eyes. “Don’t make a big deal out of it, huh? I needed to tell someone before I imploded. I have a meeting with him tomorrow and…”

  “You don’t know if you can control yourself.”

  “I guess.” Ko rubbed the back of his neck.

  “Ko.” Thaddeus’ voice was soft, warm, almost like Jackson’s naked body. “Ko, you wanting more from a man isn’t anything to be ashamed or angry about.”

  “But why this man? I mean, he works for me, for God’s sake.”

  “It happens all the time. Look at me and Ravi. We worked together and it just sort of happened. Now, I can’t imagine my life without him. Sure, falling for an employee isn’t the ideal situation but it happens more than you think. What’s really bothering you, Ko?”

  Ko hung his head. His shoulders dropped lower than he ever remembered them falling and a large lump formed in his throat. “When we were in bed, I felt something. There was this…this…ugh!”

  “Breathe.”

  “He made me do things and feel things and I thought even if was a night of doing everything out of order, he would have sensed it too and he would want to see if we could work. What’s really wrong is he doesn’t even think that.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because he snuck out early in the morning.”

  Thaddeus chuckled. “Ravi did that. He did because he thought I would freak out, that I wouldn’t want what he had to offer.”

  “Did you?”

  “Look at the ring on his finger, then ask me that again.”

  Ko smiled. “Right. Sorry.”

  “It’s okay.”

  Ko faced Thaddeus. “I’m scared, Thad. These feelings inside me for a man I barely know terrify me.”

  “Love always does.”

  “Love?” Ko scuffed. “That’s like putting the buggy before the horse, isn’t it?”

  “You say to-mah-to. I say—”

  “Blah, blah, blah.”

  Thaddeus laughed. “Look, the whole Jackson situation isn’t that complicated. He makes you feel what I do for Raviner and you’ve never had that before. You’re freaking out because Jackson is so much younger than you and you are acquaintances with his family. It’s overwhelming. But, if you treat him with care and respect, his family will get over their apprehension, if they have any.”

  “And he’s best friends with his ex.”

  “Charlie. Yeah. I know. They broke up because Charlie hates kids and Jackson wants an army of them.”

  Ko arched an eyebrow. “An army? Dang.”

  “Yeah, well, he’s always had a soft spot for kids,” Thaddeus explained.

  “You think if Charlie goes back to him and changes his mind on children…?”

  “That Jackson would take him back?” Thaddeus asked. “I doubt it. They are way past that now.”

  Ko nodded and sat again. “Well, I guess we’ll have to wait and see how the meeting goes tomorrow. I’m trying to stay positive but it’s hard.”

  “Of course it is. Everything worth having is hard—including the gutter my mind fell into.”

  Ko laughed out loud before bumping Thaddeus with his shoulder. “Seriously? You just had to go there?”

  “Well, duh! I thought you knew me better!”

  It was easy for Ko to be around Thaddeus after that. They talked about other things and by the time he hugged Ravinder and Thaddeus and headed for his car, they had plans for a small scholarship for the two students at Bathsheba High who showed great potential in Arts and Computer Sciences. Though that wasn’t what he went there for, knowing of another way to give back to the community that had given him so much, took the bite out of his depression.

  Tracing the stitches on the sofa’s arm with a finger, Jackson tapped his left foot impatiently. It wasn’t as if he wanted crazy in the luxury waiting area, but seeing Ko again terrified him. And to make it worse, Ko was forcing him to wait. It felt as if this was Ko’s way for getting back at him, and Jackson—even though deep down he knew he deserved it—just couldn’t take it anymore. He gripped the arm in a way to keep himself seated.

  Wait five more minutes, Jack. Just five…

  He was on his feet before he even realized it.

  “Excuse me,” Jackson said, walking to the secretary’s desk. “How much longer is the wait?”

  “I’m not quite sure at this point.” She glanced down at the phone on her desk. “He’s still on the line.”

  “What about if you just knocked on his door and let him know I’m here?”

  “It doesn’t work like that.”

  “This is ridiculous. Where’s Stella? Can I speak with Stella? I’ve been sitting here for forty-five minutes. I have things I could be doing.”

  “Sir, I don’t think—”

  “Don’t think!” Jackson snapped. “Do.”

  She glared at him but Jackson didn’t care. He didn’t back down and soon she was on the phone with Stella. The secretary barely had the phone back in the cradle than Stella approached him from a nearby office.

  “Jackson, come this way, please,” Stella said. “Ko is trying to hammer out the details for something in Japan. In the meantime, you and I can chat.”

  Jackson smiled but if he were being honest, he’d admit he didn’t want to talk to her. He didn’t have to be a genius to know that he was in a lot of trouble with Ko. It wasn’t as if he wanted to run. The truth was Ko would have been the first authentic relationship he would have had with a lover if he hadn’t run away like a coward. Still, he went through the motions shooting the breeze with Stella. Thankfully, it didn’t take long before Tasha entered and Jackson melted to her side. She was familiar and predictable to him. Though he never knew what would come out of her mouth next, Tasha had never given him a reason to withdraw into himself.

  “I’m going to see what’s keeping Ko.” Stella excused herself.

  Jackson cleared his throat and rested his forehead on the large desk. It was cool and hard under him. Still, he stayed in that position, tapping his head slightly against the surface.

  “Who’s eating your butt?” Tasha asked.

  “No one—that’s the problem.”

  Tasha laughed. “I know you’re pent-up, but giving yourself a concussion is not going to help.”

  Jackson sat up with a moan. “I fucked up, Tas. I fucked up royally and I—”

  “Sorry for the hold up,” Ko said, stepping into the room with Stella on his heels. “The worl
d seems to be going at light speed and I’m caught in the middle.”

  Jackson kept his eyes on Ko but not once did Ko return the connection. He sat at the head of the table, in a black Hansamu suit that held his toned body perfectly. He set down his tablet on the table and undid the buttons on his jacket. “After careful consideration, I’ve decided to push the launch of the new campaign to next year. Right now, rolling it out this year would make everything rushed and I don’t like sloppy. If we’re going to do this, we must do it right.”

  A lump formed in Jackson’s throat and his head throbbed slightly.

  “In the meantime, we’re still aiming to release teasers for New York Fashion Week this year, Fashion Empire Toronto this year and a couple of other places.”

  “So you still need me?” Tasha asked. “The teasers don’t really need a photographer.”

  “On the contrary.” Ko slid a glossy folder across the desk to her. “Here’s a new plan. We may have to change your contract and renegotiate a few things but do you think it’s workable? Will it fit your schedule?”

  Tasha read what was in the folder for a quick moment then smiled. “I can do this.”

  “Good.”

  “What about me?” Jackson’s voice sounded small and quivering.

  “You’ll be working with Tasha for the most part over the next few weeks to create the ground teasers. Then once January rolls around, you begin again with Priya.” Ko seemed all business when he spoke. Though he looked at Jackson, his eyes gave nothing away. “We still have spots to last us until the major reveal and that will give me more time to work on a few new pieces for the line.”

  The business talk took an eternity. Most of it went over Jackson’s head for he couldn’t seem to focus. When it was over, he remained where he was until he was alone with Ko. But the designer didn’t seem to want to stay, for he rose and gathered his things.

  “Ko, wait.”

  “Wait for what?” Ko asked, taking long strides toward the door.

  Jackson rushed forward and braced his back against it, blocking Ko’s path. “We need to talk.”

  “I don’t think we have anything to say to each other.”

  “You can’t really believe that!”

  Ko sighed. “I believe action speaks louder than words, Jackson. You’ve made it perfectly clear this—us—is not what you want, and even though I was pissed off at first, I understand. Really.”

  “What do you understand?”

  Ko stepped away and put the large desk between them. He folded his arms across his chest and leaned into the wall. “I get you work for me and we shouldn’t have done what we did.” His voice was cold, strained. “I understand that I’m too old for you.” Ko leveled his stare on Jackson. “I get I’m not the kind of man you saw yourself with for the long-term and I get what we had was only for the night.”

  Jackson looked away.

  “What’s the matter, Jackson? Can’t handle the truth?”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Jackson didn’t move from his spot at the door. “You’re full of shit…and…and…you don’t know what you’re talking about!”

  “Don’t I? I know I woke up in the early hours of the morning to the man I spent hours before making love to, scurrying about in the dark then leaving without a word.”

  “You— You were awake? Why didn’t you say something?”

  “What did you want me to say?” Ko unfolded his arms. “Beg you not to leave? Besides, saying something would have only delayed what was happening. I’d rather rip off the Band-Aid, hurt, then move on.”

  “Ko.”

  “No.”

  Jackson rubbed his palms up and down his thighs a few times. He tried speaking but his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. After swallowing, he managed to dislodge it. “I didn’t leave because I only wanted you for a night! You’re wrong and you have no clue!”

  “I don’t? All right.” Ko’s shoulders rose then fell. “Why don’t you enlighten me?”

  Before Jackson could say anything else, Stella stuck her head into the boardroom with a smile. “Ko? Emma from New York Fashion Week is on three. She said you guys have been playing phone tag today?”

  “Thanks. Tell her to give me a minute.”

  Stella nodded, hesitated then stepped from the room and closed the door again.

  “It doesn’t matter anymore,” Ko continued. “I was the idiot who thought there could have possibly have been a thing between us—that there was a spark that could lead to something. I’m the needy son of a bitch. It’s not your fault. I should’ve known better. I’m old enough. Look, I have to go.”

  “Ko, we still have to…”

  Ko shook his head and wrenched the door opened.

  “Please…Ko…”

  But the man merely stepped through and closed the door behind him. The bottom of Jackson’s chest fell out and for a moment he just stood there, shaking and alone. But that shock wore off quickly enough and was replaced by a rage he didn’t think was at all possible. He hadn’t gotten a word in to explain himself. If Ko thought Jackson was just going to walk out and not say his piece, Ko had another thing coming.

  Jackson smoothed his hands over his sides, lifted his chin and wiggled his neck from one side to the next. He counted from one to ten backward and forward then took a few cleansing breaths. Once he could get his feet to move, Jackson let himself out of the boardroom and followed the hall until he got to Ko’s office. Even though Ko was on the phone, Jackson took a seat across from his desk.

  “One second, Emma.” Ko covered the receiver with a palm. “I thought we already said what needed to be said.”

  “No. You said what you had to say and you didn’t give me a chance to say much. So, go ahead.” Jackson lounged back in the sofa and crossed his legs. “I’ll wait until you finish your phone call. Because one way or another, you and I are working this shit out.”

  Ko didn’t look impressed. His jaws tightened and fury filled his steely brown gaze. But Jackson didn’t care. He simply lifted his chin a bit higher as Ko glared at him.

  “Emma? Are you going to be free in about twenty minutes? Okay…right. Can you give me a call when you’re out of your meeting? There’s something in my office I have to tend to. Thanks.” Ko hung up and eased back in his seat, his brow eyes menacing as he dragged his fingers through his hair. “What do you want from me, Jackson?”

  “I want you to hear me out.”

  Ko’s shoulders rose and fell but he made no move to get up. “You left me, Jackson.”

  “And you let me go…”

  “This isn’t getting us anywhere.” Ko shook his head. “I have work to do.”

  “Do you remember what happened when we made love?” Jackson asked.

  “Yeah. You left.”

  “No.” Jackson rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward. “That was after we made love. I meant during…”

  Ko gave him a one-shoulder shrug.

  “I did things—said things…”

  “Jackson, I’m going to need you to make sense because I haven’t been sleeping well so my brain is not firing on all cylinders right now.”

  “I-I…I was insatiable. I begged you, begged you!”

  Ko tilted his head to the side. “Um…I’m not sure I follow where this is going.”

  “I was completely out of control! You had to have seen that. I was behaving like I was depraved and I know men don’t find that kind of thing sexy in a partner who they want to have a real, deep relationship with.”

  “Hold up.” Ko rose and walked around his desk. He sat on the edge and folded his arms. “You’re telling me you left at that ungodly hour because you thought I’d be ashamed because you begged me to fuck you?”

  Jackson turned his head away.

  “Jesus Murphy, Jackson! That is nothing to be ashamed of and anyone who tells you different is a fucking liar! Jackson, look at me…”

  Slowly, Jackson met Ko’s gaze.

  “I�
�m too old for shy.” He climbed off his desk and kneeled before Jackson. “The man I take to my bed must know what he wants and demand it. If he wants my mouth, he must be able to take it. If my man’s a slut, as long as he is that in my bed alone, then all is right with the world. Besides, I was there with you, remember? Didn’t you see how turned on I got from all of it?”

  Jackson sighed. “I’ve made a mess out of this whole thing, haven’t I? I kept thinking you’re mature and you don’t want some guy who gave it up so…”

  “Listen to yourself.” Ko’s voice was softer than it had been before. He caressed Jackson’s cheek gently.

  Unable to stop himself, Jackson closed his eyes and pressed his face into Ko’s palm.

  “You’re making yourself crazy.” Ko was close now, his hot breath bathing Jackson’s other cheek. “Let’s clear the air right now. Your body excites me and the things I wish to do to it may scare you. But if you were to take off all your clothes right now and bend over that desk, it wouldn’t make me think less of you. In fact, I wish you would.”

  Jackson smiled.

  “Was that a smile, Jackson Stark?”

  “No.”

  Ko laughed. “Promise me the next time you feel like this, you’ll say something.”

  He opened his eyes and met Ko’s stare. “I promise. Does this mean I’m forgiven?”

  “Not quite yet. You’ve left me with your scent on my sheets and your body in my mind,” Ko whispered, pushing upward for Jackson’s mouth. “I think it’s time you put out this fire you’ve started.”

  Jackson trembled. Ko had missed him—he knew it. “And how can I do that?”

  “Well…” Ko kissed him, a deep, searing kiss that curled his toes. “You can start with those beautiful lips around my cock.”

  “You’re so sexy when you talk dirty. It makes me hard.”

  Ko grinned and kissed him again. “That’s the plan. So, do we have a deal?”

  “What kind of question is that? Of course we do.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Ko handed control to Jackson and followed his lead. With their mouths fused together, Ko rose with Jackson. Somehow, Jackson spun them around and shoved Ko to the sofa. Ko moaned. He stared up at Jackson, memorizing the lines of Jackson’s handsome face, his lips that were slightly parted and a little swollen from their kisses—everything about Jackson left Ko wondering how he’d managed to get so lucky.