by Amanda Heath
I stop short before I reach it and notice a new headstone to the side of hers. It’s small and very new. I walk right up to it and start sobbing my heart out. It says “Unborn baby boy or girl. You may never have seen the world but your mommy and daddy will always love you”. I can’t believe that my family did this. I feel a sense of closure after seeing it because I really did lose a child. It may not have ever been born but I still lost it.
I hear Sarah approach and kneel next to me. I didn’t even know I was kneeling. She pulls me into a comforting hug. I try to control my sobbing but I can’t. They just keep coming. I thought I was all cried out months ago.
“You placed it with my mother?” I finally say through my tears.
“Yeah sweetie with your mother. Your father and I couldn’t think of a better place.” She has tears leaking out of her eyes ruining her pretty makeup.
I hug her to me as tight as I can. “Thank you so much. You have no idea what this means to me.”
She rubs my back soothingly. “Actually I do. There’s a little headstone at my mother’s grave for a little baby who didn’t get to be.”
I pull back from her and look into her shiny blue eyes looking for the answers. “You had a miscarriage too?”
“Yeah sweetie I did. About ten years ago.” She sets me back so I can sit on the ground. She folds her legs behind her on the soft green grass and goes on with her story. “I was almost too old for another child then. But your father and I had decided to try for another since we had worked through our problems. He thought it was a mistake to try and have another baby but I wouldn’t listen. I wasn’t much further than you when I lost it. Even though it had been my idea I still blamed your father and we almost fell apart again. My children suffered for it this time. Before they were much too young to realize something was wrong, they were hurting this time along with us but only because your father and I were at each other’s throats.” She pauses wiping away more tears from her eyes and mine. “Then one day a little angel walked into my house. With the prettiest black hair just like her father and beautiful green eyes just like her mother. She didn’t take the place of the child but she did feel a hole I had inside of me because of that child.”
She pushes the hair out of my face and I feel a peace come over me. “But you always acted like you didn’t want me around. You were always criticizing me and stuff.”
“I didn’t treat you any differently than I did my own children. I might have been less affectionate but that’s because I didn’t want to take the place of your mother. Not that I could mind you, I just didn’t feel it was my place. I think she would have wanted this to be here, just a little gravestone for a little life that when on up to heaven to be with her. Other people might think we are crazy but that’s okay because we know we aren’t. We have to have our own sense of closure before we can move on. This will be yours like you were mine.” She places a soft kiss on my head and herds me back to the car.
I have a lot to think about. I know breaking up with Declan was a horrible idea but how do you say sorry to someone after four months of silence?
Declan
I run my fingers through my hair, which is done to my chin now. I stopped getting it cut months ago. I haven’t talked to Jaden in months but I see Caden every day. He’s the only thing keeping me together lately. I feel so empty inside without her. I thought this feeling would go away but it has only gotten worse. I don’t know what the hell she did to me. I have to be under a spell or some shit. My heart fucking hurts and there’s nothing I can do but live this cold harsh life in my empty shell. And I am a shell of my former self. She took everything with her the day she kicked me out of her hospital room.
Caden pops me upside the head getting my attention. “What?” I snap. I also snap a lot at everyone, even Marcus who I have never snapped at before.
“I said what do you want for dinner? I can call for pizza if you want.” He looks at me hoping that I’ll say something different then what I say every day.
I don’t, “I don’t fucking care.” I growl.
“Fine pizza it is. You got to let this shit go man. I’m starting to wonder if I need to take you to the psych ward.” He leans his elbows on the counter top in my kitchen scrubbing his hands down his face.
“I don’t need the fucking psych ward. I need for everyone to leave me the fuck alone.” I snarl.
“Chill the fuck out Declan. If it wasn’t for me then you would have starved to death by now,” he stops as his phone rings. “What the hell? Hello?” he asks the person on the phone sounding confused.
After a pause he answers the person. “Well you haven’t called me in months and I don’t really think I want to talk to you.” I lay my head on the table listening to him talk to the person on the other end. “I’m going to tell you this once and once only. You stay the fuck away from him? Do you hear me? You have no idea what I have had to fucking do to keep him alive. I realize that what happened to you was devastating but did you ever think it wasn’t to him too?” I get a sick feeling in my gut that I know who he is talking too. “I don’t give a fuck. It’s been months, months Teagan and you left him out to dry. He’s a mess and I’m still cleaning up after you.” He said her name and the tears start falling out of my eyes. I can’t take it when they say her name. “Do you want to know what he said to Jaden right before he went to see you in that room?” a pause and I don’t think I can take hearing him tell her but I can’t bring myself to leave. “He said he fucking loved you Teagan and then you put his heart through a blender for no god damn reason!” he yells at her and I flinch. He doesn’t say anything else and I realize that he hung up on her.
“Why did she want to know about me?” I say barley more than a whisper.
He comes over to the table and sits next to me. He lays his head next to mine so I can see him talk to me. “She wanted to know how you were doing. She also asked if it was a good idea to come talk to you. I told her to go fuck herself. Well I wish I had but she is my sister no matter what’s she done. She didn’t like that to much but I don’t really care.” He rolls his eyes and I actually make a laughing sound. “Did you just laugh?” he asks looking puzzled.
“Yeah I think I did.” I kind of smile and it feels foreign on my face.
“Who would have known being that close to talking to her and your already getting better?” He smiles faintly and I see the pity in his eyes. “Do you want to meet with her?”
“Fuck no. I can’t be with her again. I have to get over this funk and move on with my life. I know she might be my soul mate but I think I’m better off with a normal girl. One who picks up her own shit. One who doesn’t get mad at everything and throw hot little temper tantrums that turn me on. Or have wild ass beautiful raven hair and seductive emerald eyes that you sink into. Or an angels smile and a sirens voice. Most of all one with no emotions that won’t dumb me the second life gets too hard for her.”
“Fuck that is kind of harsh there buddy. I get what you’re saying though. If I could go back to the beginning of the school year I would never have said two words to Grace. Now look at me. I’m living with you so I can stay away from the happy couple that is Jaden and Grace. Makes me fucking sick.”
“And here I thought you were here for my winning personality.” I smirk and he laughs and the moment feels almost normal. But I still have this beautiful evil cruel girl that owns my heart.
I shouldn’t have ever given it to her. I don’t know how I got so fucking whipped to begin with. I guess it’s that invisible connection that drew me to her. I loved that girl with everything I had and what did she do? Throw me out like a fucking piece of garbage. Just like my parents. I wasn’t good enough for her just like I wasn’t good enough for them. Well they can all go screw themselves. I’m not going to be this depressed piece of crap anymore. I can get over her and I will. At least for the sake of the two most important people in my life right now, Marcus and Caden.
“You know what? Why don’t we go out to the b
ar tonight or something?” I probe him hoping he won’t make a huge deal out of it.
“You want to go to a bar and do what?” he probes right back.
“I want to go to a bar and get stupid drunk and have sex with a girl I don’t even know her name and wake up with the worst hangover ever. Then I’m going to pick my life back up off the ground.” I stare at him intently so he knows that I’m not kidding around.
“Going out, getting drunk, and having sex with random chicks is not going to help you get over her Dec.” he sighs.
“It has to work because I have tried everything else. Nothing else has worked. I’m not saying that I want to become an alcoholic or anything but one night where I don’t have to think about her is something I need more than anything.”
“I know you do buddy but you’re going to have to take it one day at a time. Let fun back into your life slowly. I don’t want you to overdose on it.”
“Ha that is the funniest thing you have ever said. I haven’t lived in months. All I have done is go to class and do my school work. Then I eat and sleep. What kind of living is that?”
“It’s not. Okay you’re right. Let’s go to the bar then.” He gets up from the table and heads upstairs.
I’m left alone for the first time since I got up this morning. I look out the window at the people outside living their normal lives and going on about their business. They don’t even know that my whole life fell about with the words spoken by a little angel turned demon. So that s what I need to do. Get out there and make my life my own again. Hopefully I don’t kill myself in the process.
Chapter 20
Teagan
I’m going to kill my brother. Which brother you ask? Caden Gabriel Harper. Grace and I are on our way to a local bar in which Caden and Declan are shit faced drunk. I only know this because Caden called Grace about thirty minutes ago. Apparently he was pouring his heart out to her and it took the whole phone conversation to get him to spill where they are. Our plan is to get in and get out. Yeah we shall see about that.
We borrowed Jaden’s car since I wrecked mine. I got it for graduation and it didn’t last long after that. We park on the curb right outside of the bar. Walking in through the door I crinkle my nose at the smell of sweat and alcohol. It looks like any other bar with its booths off to the sides and a dance floor in the middle. The bar sits off to the other side of the dance floor and it has nice leather seated stools. I scan the room for the familiar shaggy blonde head of my brother and the buzzed cut of Declan. It takes me a minute to realize I looked over them. Declan is facing the front door and I didn’t recognize him because he has grown his hair out to his chin. The blonde locks are straight and neat and my heart beats faster in the knowledge that he is sexier than ever.
“There they are.” I point at their booth for Grace to see them. She nods and we head over. Nervousness feels me as we get closer. I don’t know how he will react to seeing me. When we finally get there and he looks up all the color drains out of his face. I was afraid of that.
“Wa tha hewl Tea?” my drunken brother slurs. Caden’s eyes are glazed over from intoxication and he looks like he is going to try and get up when he notices Grace is with me. “Grace bab ya may itd.”
“Yeah Cade I made it. You both sounded really gone on the phone so we came to get y’all home so you don’t hurt yourselves.” She says to him soothingly.
“Otay.” He replies reaching for her hand. He of course misses and nearly falls out of the booth but Grace catches him.
“Whoa there big boy. Can you walk to the car? I’ll get you back to Declan’s house and Teagan will drive Declan’s truck over.” She pats him on the back.
“He dontah half tha turck anya moe.” He stares drunkenly at her and I fight off a laugh.
“Okay well we will let them figure that out on their own okay? Let’s just get you home.” She rubs the top of his head and he nuzzles her like a cat.
After helping her get him to his feet I watch them stumble out the door. When I can’t see them anymore I turn back to Declan. He’s doing anything but look at me. I know I fucked up big time but I would do anything to erase the hurt written all over his face.
“Come on Declan let’s get you home.” I say trying to meet his eyes. “You don’t have to be this way.”
A look of pure anger came over his face. “Actually Teagan I have to be this way. I don’t care what you have to say to me. I don’t know what you think you’re going to accomplish by coming here and helping. I don’t fucking care.”
Well he certainly isn’t as drunk as Caden. “I don’t know what you’re thinking but I’m just here to get you home. Caden called Grace pouring his heart out while shit faced drunk. She said you were here as well and that I would need to drive your truck home.”
I got a chill that ran down the center of my spine when I see none other than that bitch Claire walk out of the girl’s room. That would have been fine and all but when she walked right over to Declan’s table and sat down next to him all I could see was red. I got even more irate when he looked like he was expecting her. I completely snapped. “What the hell Declan you had to down grade? You can do way better than this cheap slut.”
“Excuse me? Who are you?” she says and she truly looks like she doesn’t know who I am. Great this should be fun.
“I’m Teagan Harper. Ring a bell? I’m the reason you had to have plastic surgery to fix your already fake nose.” I feel as if I have steam coming out of my ears.
She sputters trying to think of a comeback. She turns to Declan “I thought you said she dumped you?”
“She did dump me Claire. Caden called Grace who is roommates with Teagan.” He tells her but she doesn’t seem like she gets it. Airhead much?
“Well then why are you still here? Can’t you see that you’re not wanted?” she curls up to him and I feel sick. She’s touching what should be mine, what I let go because I couldn’t handle my own problems.
“Yeah I can see I’m not wanted. I’ll get out of your hair.” It takes all the will power I have in me to say those words. I have acted immaturely towards Declan and I fucked up big time so there’s no use trying to fix something I can’t.
I turn before crazy bitch has anything to say to that. I walk out the door hoping that I can make it far away before the tears start to fall. That’s when I realize I don’t have a ride home and the dorms are ten miles away. Yeah I’ll tell you right now karma is a bitch.
“Wait Teagan.” I hear him say from behind me. To late those stupid tears started to come. “Let me give you a ride home. Or you can drive because I have had a few to drink.”
I just nod not even turning around. He walks past me out into the parking lot next to the bar. I follow him to his little brother’s Audi. What kind of sick freak I’m I that I made him give up Betty? He loved that truck as much as his brother.
He climbs into the passenger side after unlocking it. I walk to the driver’s side and pause trying to get my tears under control. It’s no use. He leans over and honks the horn scaring me half to death. I get into the car and I look at him. He’s staring out his window avoiding looking at me again. I can’t control my tears anymore as I place my forehead on the steering wheel and sob.
Declan
I can’t take this shit. I couldn’t take it before when I just loved her. Now I love and hate her. I know she isn’t doing this to get a reaction out of me. Teagan was never one to go to dramatic lengths to get what she wants. “Hey stop that. Your making my heart hurt.”
“I can’t…they never stop…I just cry like this all the time…”she sobs into her hands. Her breathing starts to get iritic so I do the only thing I can think of.
I place my hands on her shoulders bringing her to face me. “Teagan baby you have to breathe. Please don’t pass out on me.” I plead with her. “Just look in my eyes and breathe with me.” I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. She slowly starts to mimic me and her breathing becomes normal again. Then she does
n’t the one thing that I can’t resist. Her perfect little white teeth bite down on her bottom lip.
I move in quickly before I come to my senses. Just one more night I tell myself. That’s all I’ll take before she walks out of my life forever. When our lips meet I feel like I have come home. When our tongues touch the past four months don’t matter, didn’t even happen. When she runs her fingers through my hair it’s okay to breathe again. And when she climbs over the console and into my lap I no longer hate her at all.
She has her arms caged around my head sucking me into her and I love every second of it. I shouldn’t be doing this with her. She’s only going to break my heart again but I can’t stop. I run my fingers along the end of her shirt moving them up under to feel her creamy skin. It’s better than I remember.
As always with Teagan she can’t take her time with anything. Though right now and not having touched her in four months I’m on this speed train. My shirt goes over my head and I almost lose it when she starts running her hands up and down my bare skin. I want to touch her bare skin to bare skin so I find myself taking off her tank top and tossing it into the back seat. I go for her lacey black bra next and it joins her shirt in the back.
When I see her perfect little pink nipples I think my eyes cross. Then I find myself leaning forward sucking it into my mouth and tonguing the hell out of it. She has her arms caged around my head again with her back arched and her head thrown back. The skin of her back feels so soft as I hold her to me, suckling at her. She’s moaning and rubbing her heat into my groin and I know this is going to be over quick. Almost before it starts. I let her nipple go with an audible pop and look up into her sparklingly green eyes. “Are you wet baby?” I ask her breathless
In answer she closes her eyes and nods her head. I reach my hands under her skirt to tug off her black boy short panties and we have to maneuver around till they are off leaving her in just her skirt. I see her sex in the lamplight from outside and my dick throbs painfully. I pop the top button and pull the zipper and then she takes over taking my dick out of my underwear. She leans her head down to mine and places her lips on mine and then we are devouring each other like it used to be.