Shannon cuts and serves the cake, and we all enjoy a slice while Anna opens a few gifts.
“You’re such a bitch.” Anna whacks Shannon with a half-opened DVD case.
Shannon bursts out laughing so hard that tears are running down her cheeks as Anna glares at her. Anna really has no idea how cute her angry face is, and I can just suppress my own laughter even though I have no idea what’s so funny.
“What is it?” I ask.
Anna turns the case, so everyone can see the title, Dawn of the Dead. Everyone starts laughing, except for me.
“I hate you guys,” Anna says, chucking the DVD at Chad.
He catches it and laughs harder. Anna crosses her arms, huffs, and leans back on the couch. She smirks, and I realize that she’s not actually mad, but she’s taking the ribbing in stride.
I’m still confused as to what the fuck is so funny, but I enjoy watching Anna in her element. She seems so laid-back and real, and I like that—a lot.
Anna notices my confusion and explains, “I’m scared of zombies.”
I grin in response.
“No, baby, you’re terrified of zombies,” Jared says as he throws an arm around her shoulders.
She elbows him, but I want to punch him. I don’t know if they’re always like this together, but I feel like he’s putting on a show for me, and he’s seriously starting to piss me off.
I have a good time the rest of the night. Shannon is funny, and the guys are cool, except for the little shit. He keeps pressing my buttons, and I feel like I’m gonna drop this asshole if he says one more thing.
Then, Anna says, “We should get going.”
Thank Christ.
As I walk her to my truck, I start to get nervous. I need to backtrack from the stupid comment I made earlier, and I still haven’t gotten her number. I’m a determined motherfucker though, and I know I affect her, so I’m not too worried.
Helping her climb back into the truck cab, I take the opportunity to appreciate the feel of her soft hips against my palms. Touching without really touching is such sweet torture. My dick wants to really touch, but my brain knows that’s not a good plan right now, so I stop myself from mauling her.
Who says a guy can only think with the head below his waist?
After I climb in, the combined smells of food from her workplace and her natural vanilla scent make the non-mauling thing—and my dick—hard. I start the car and follow the brief directions she gives to her parents’ house.
“Anna, I’m sorry for what I said earlier about the quote and—”
She cuts me off with a wave of her hand. “Seriously, Jed, it’s not a big deal. Like I said at Shannon’s, it’s been a tough day, and I took it too personally. Usually, I’d laugh that kind of thing off. I mean, it was a little forward, but I overreacted. I’m sorry.”
She glances in my direction with that vulnerable look, and it makes me feel protective again.
“Anna, you don’t have anything to apologize for, but I’m glad you know that I was just joking.” Well, half-joking, but I won’t tell her that. “I have a habit of teasing a lot, so try not to take things I might say to heart. It’s all in good fun, okay?”
She gives me a shy smile and a small nod.
I smile back and say, “Good. So, when can I take you out?”
“So, when can I take you out?” His words ping around inside my blank skull.
My first instinct is to embrace the warm hope starting to creep into my heart while I squeal, Whenever you want, and then do a happy dance on the hood of his truck. I want to go out with him. I want that so bad. I want to go on a real date, to have someone in my life to show me what it’s like to be loved and cared for. I mentally roll my eyes at the love talk, but just a date would be great—at first. When my eyes flicker to his, I know there’s a good possibility that I could fall for someone like him. I’ve known him for only a few hours, but I know he’s sweet and funny and hot. Not to mention, Donnie encouraged me to get to know Jed, and I don’t think he’d steer me wrong.
But the timing is just off. I’m not in the right place. After finally finding the strength to stand up for myself, to figure out how to survive without all the bullshit in my life, the last thing I need is to start something new. I’m much too fragile. The emotional strength to keep that wall up isn’t there. If I were to try with Jed and I failed again when I’m already so weak, I don’t know what would be left of me. As much as I want this sexy man, as much as we get along, the risk of relapsing scares the shit out of me.
When I don’t answer immediately, his face falls, not by much but enough to notice.
“I’m sorry, Jed. I think you’re a nice guy, but I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“I just don’t.”
“I do.”
My eyes widen. “What?”
“You’re attracted to me, right?”
I blush and duck my head. Seriously, who’s not attracted to him? “Well, yes, but—”
“And we’ve gotten along so far, right?”
“Yes, but—”
“So, let me take you out.”
“Why?”
I’m startled by my question, and judging by his furrowed brow, he seems to have the same reaction.
“Why, what?”
Pressing my lips together, I finally answer honestly, which is unlike me, but I figure my blurted-out question needs an answer. “Why do you want to take me out? I don’t get it.”
“What don’t you get?”
“I don’t get why you’re so interested in me.”
He seems to struggle with his words for a moment. He glances at me with narrowed eyes, like he’s trying to figure me out. “I don’t know, Anna. I like you. You’re beautiful and funny. Something about you draws me in.”
I soak in his words. Like pennies in a coin slot, they register one by one, and my traitorous heart melts a little. It wants me to say, Fuck it, and just agree to a date. It’s only one date, right? My head is a different story, and it starts spinning with doubt. I can’t do this to myself. I don’t understand his game. There’s no way he really wants to be with me, so I know his words can’t be sincere. The idea that he just wants to fuck me crosses my mind, but come on, this man is lick-o-licious, and he’s sex on a stick. He can just crook his finger, and ladies will drop their panties and spread for him to do as he wishes. Shit, he might not even have to lift his finger.
“Say something,” he says.
I blow out a breath and point ahead. “I live on the road coming up on the right.”
He flicks on his blinker, sighing deeply, before he says, “Listen, I like you, and you like me. I want to take you out. So, why don’t you just give me your number, and I’ll give you a call?”
He glances at me, and his expression hits something deep inside me. I don’t understand it, but his eyes sear right through me, and it literally takes my breath away. The word okay is on the tip of my tongue, but I suck it back in. No, no, no. I can’t. I need to get my shit together. With a tight throat, I avert my eyes.
“It’s that yellow house up there.” I point in the direction.
He pulls up in front of my house and shifts the gear into park. As he turns to face me, he reaches for my hand, and I let him take it as I soak in the desire I feel coursing through me. My hand and then my body tremble with the warring back and forth between desire and determination, yearning and self-preservation. Each emotion is fighting for dominance, like a boxer in the ring. Shifting a little closer to me, he turns completely and faces me square on. He’s not more than six inches from me, and the space crackles with awareness. I’m trying to fight the affect he has on me.
After breathing deeply, he speaks low with his scratchy baritone voice, “Anna, I think we have something here. I need you to give it a shot. Let me take you out.”
Even though his pushy behavior should have me running for the hills, especially when considering my past, my heart flutters and warms. I find
myself blushing, and although I want nothing more than to drift my gaze away from those piercing brown eyes, I can’t move. I can’t breathe or speak. I can’t even think. My mind is at a loss for words. As hard as I clutch to those bricks around my heart, he is prying them from my fingers with his words, his expressions, his closeness.
He leans his torso closer, so his lips are only inches away from me, and I lick mine instinctively.
Is he going to kiss me? Do I want him to kiss me? I should stop this. I should tell him I can’t do this. Instead, my trembling words breathe out an answer to his unspoken question, “Okay.”
As he closes the distance between us, the energy rages stronger and stronger until I feel his soft lips on mine. My heart, my body, my entire being flare with fire the moment our lips touch. He doesn’t move at first. Our closed lips press against each other, but soon, he opens, encouraging me to do the same, and I do. My mind blanks, and my body takes over. He slips his tongue into my mouth, and he strokes mine softly. The fire that he evokes flares hot and burns, like molten lava coursing through my veins, through my heart, through my lungs.
The fire consumes me.
My hands reach up of their own accord and entangle themselves in his dark locks, deepening the kiss. He sighs hungrily into my mouth before I feel his fingers grip my hair. I shouldn’t be doing this, but I am. His tongue is in my mouth, and I love it. I love it fiercely, and I never want this moment to end. A pulsing ache gathers low in my belly and between my legs. My nipples pebble as I pull him closer to me. I have no control, and all I know is that his lips are on mine with his tongue stroking my own. My whole world is the passionate sizzling of my body from what is happening in this truck, in this moment.
Nothing else exists.
Only too soon, he pulls away and leans his forehead against mine. He visibly struggles for his next words as I try to regain my composure.
“So, you’ll let me take you out?”
Reality crashes in, and I bring my fingers to my lips.
“I…I…I can’t,” I stutter as I reach for the door.
With my heart constricting and my blood racing, I stumble out of his truck, and just before I shut the door, I catch sight of his slack jaw tensing with what looks like determination. I sprint to my house on shaky legs, and I finally make it to the front door. After I close it, I shut my eyes.
Fuck, what did I just do? I’m supposed to be pushing him away, not encouraging him. Right?
Since it’s late, no one else is up, so I head straight to the fridge to grab a water bottle. Then, I go to the bathroom to wash up. The whole time, my head is spinning, trying to convince myself that pushing him away is the right thing to do. There is no good reason to open myself up to more stress…except that I’ve never been kissed like that—ever. He made me feel so good, so desired, so beautiful.
If he kisses like that, I wonder what else he can do.
Gah! Don’t go there.
After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I go to my bedroom to pull on a pair of pajama pants and a long-sleeved shirt. I crawl in to bed in record time. I’m still trying to tell myself that it isn’t worth the risk. I connected with him so much, and Christ, that kiss! I honestly might have blown it anyway with my fumbling. But if I haven’t lost my chance with him, could I risk it? Is it worth it?
He’s mad. I knew he’d be mad, but I had no other choice.
“I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad,” I whisper, staring at my dirty softball cleats.
The warmth of his big body near mine contradicts his mood, and my heart is racing as tears well up in my eyes. Using his thumb and forefinger, he pinches my chin tightly, really tightly. He yanks it upward, causing a tweak in my neck. The abrupt movement makes my brain feel like it has been rattled inside my skull, and the effect makes me nauseous.
“I told you I didn’t like him, and you let him drive you home from practice,” he growls in my face.
“But I had no other—”
He shoves me backward, and I hit his dresser so hard that his coin jar rattles before crashing next to where I lay sprawled on the floor.
I didn’t mean to make him so angry. I had hoped he would understand. I should have known better.
“Todd, please, it’s not like that with Jared. I swear, he’s just a friend. His mom was picking him up from baseball practice, and she offered me a ride, so I wouldn’t have to walk four miles home. His mom was driving, and he didn’t even sit next to me. He was in the passenger seat, and I was in the back, and…” I trail off when he stalks toward me. My eyes widen, and tears fall as I begin to panic. I try to scramble away, but I have nowhere else to go when my back meets his dresser.
He reaches down and grabs me by the collar of my shirt. He hauls me to my feet, his face inches from mine. His other hand grasps my chin hard enough to hurt me, and I keep my head immobile.
“Did his mom watch while he fucked you in the backseat?” he grits through his teeth.
I want to tell to him that he’s acting crazy, but I wouldn’t dare do that. We’ve been together almost seven months. The more attached I get to him, the more I try to make him happy, and the more I seem to fail. He gets angrier more often, and the reasons seem smaller and smaller. Sometimes, I feel like I can’t do anything right.
He grips my chin even tighter and says through clenched teeth, “Answer me, you little slut.”
Tears are rolling down my face. “Of course not. I’m yours. I wouldn’t do that to you ever,” I say as best as I can with my jaw anchored in place.
A tic in his jaw jumps. “Don’t lie to me, you little whore.”
“I’m not lying. I didn’t do anything with Jared, I swear,” I say quickly. “Please don’t be mad at me. I love you.”
His eyes soften slightly, and I can see the boy I love coming back to me.
“You swear?”
“Yes,” I whisper, relieved.
He pulls me into a hug, and my body sags with relief.
“Good. I’ll fucking kill you with my bare fucking hands if you ever let someone else touch you.”
My stomach bottoms out because I know his threat is real.
I launch into a sitting position and frantically search the dark room for him. It takes me a second to realize that he’s not here. It was only another nightmare.
Just a nightmare. He’s not here. He’s gone. I run a shaking hand over my damp face and neck, trying to wipe away the memory that has been seared into my brain. My heart is beating like a hummingbird’s wings, and as it slows, so does the adrenaline, but the torment washes over me like a wave ready to drag me under.
Planting my face in my hands, I sob quietly. Stress or certain actions trigger these nightmares, these memories that refuse to be left in their deep, dark hole. They’re branded on me, within me, and they want out. As much as I push them into submission, into the recesses of my mind where they belong, they always find a way to claw their way out and shatter me all over again. The stress of Sam’s call and Jed’s attempt to grab my chin at the pizza shop are probably why I had the nightmare tonight. The burden of pain I carry feels impossible to shoulder sometimes, and tonight is one of those times.
I want to growl in frustration. I hate this, this bullshit of swimming around in the sludge of my past. I just want to forget it ever happened, so I can move on. I can’t change it. I can’t understand it. I can’t do anything about it. So, why the hell should I bother to wallow in this shit? Get your act together, Anna!
I breathe deeply to calm myself, like I have so many times before. My palms begin to sweat, and my fingers twitch with the urge to reach into my nightstand to grab the box cutter, but I suppress it, just like the memories, just like the feelings. I won’t go back down that road. I won’t. I can’t. This is why I needed to push Jed away.
My dick is hard.
I’m trying to get some damn shut-eye, but my cock is throbbing because I can’t get that kiss out of my head. Her soft lips, her hands tugging my hair, the little sounds of
pleasure…Christ. Even though I know the thought is illogical, a part of me is kicking myself for pulling away from her. There’s no way it would have happened, but I can’t stop myself from wondering if I could have had her in the cab of my truck, had her riding me with those tits in my face. Fuck. Those are the thoughts that have me so hard that I could hammer nails.
My hand travels from behind my head to underneath the sheet. I imagine Anna’s hand as it moves down my body, and when she gets to my boxers, she reaches in and grasps my cock. I envision her beautiful blue eyes glancing up at me through her long lashes as she runs her tongue along my dick while her hand is gripping me tightly. The smoldering look she gives me makes me speed up my hand, and I flip her around, so I can taste her while she fucks me with her mouth. My hips buck as I imagine her in my mouth as my finger slides into her pussy, her slickness coating my lips and hand as I work her. Her pussy tightens around my finger, and I add another as I suck her little nub, flicking it steadily with my tongue. She moans, vibrating against my cock, as her head bobs up and down, and her hand grips me hard. Her legs begin to tense as I suck on her swollen clit, and I curl my finger to stimulate that spot inside her. Her tongue swirls around my tip, and her pace increases, urging me to come with her. I groan when my head swells as my balls tighten, and I blow my load onto my stomach. Breathing out a sigh of relief, I grab some tissues from my bedside table to clean myself off. I almost feel guilty about stroking my cock to thoughts of Anna—almost.
Despite the fact that I just jerked off while I pictured her sweet lips wrapped around my cock, I really do like her. The few hours we spent together gave me a good insight into her. She’s cute and funny, and she doesn’t take herself too seriously. There’s something else I can’t quite put my finger on, but it makes me feel protective of her. The protectiveness is throwing me off—not to mention the persistence. I’m not an alpha male. I’m more of a lone wolf. I’m all about monogamy, but the girl I’m with can do whatever the fuck she wants, and I’ll do what I want. You want to go out with your girls? Have at it. Don’t want to go on a date? No skin off my back. I’ll find the next chick. For some reason though, I’m not that way with Anna. I try to brush off those thoughts because I’m starting to sound like I need a tampon.
Worth It Page 7