Blowing out a breath, I think about my next move. I know she wants me, but she’s fighting it, and it’s irritating. Is this still the cat-and-mouse thing? This is why I don’t play games—they’re frustrating and pointless. Whether it’s from getting to know her a little tonight, the kiss, or maybe even the challenge, I find determination settling in. I’m not talking about marriage and shit like that. I just met the girl, for Christ’s sake. But I am determined that we need to at least give this thing a shot, and that starts with getting her fucking number—and soon.
Crap.
It’s been a week since I’ve seen Jed. On the outside, it’s the same shit but different day—sleep, school, work, lather, rinse, repeat. But on the inside, I’m twitchy. That’s the only word I can think of to describe the tug-of-war happening in my mind. Now that I have my emotions back in check, I want to hang my head in shame for acting like a crazy person and pushing away such a hot guy. He’s a hot guy who opened doors for me, talked to me, and made me feel comfortable. Not to mention, he sent my body into a crazy frenzy of rapid heartbeats and heavy breaths. And he wanted me.
I’m such an idiot.
A part of me still thinks that maybe it’s for the best. I just officially ended things with Sam. Would I be able to keep myself together with Jed? The way he looked at me made me feel like he could see right into me, and that terrifies me. I can’t let anyone see the blackness rotting deep inside me.
That’s the reason I’m twitchy. I can’t stop the back-and-forth. I’m trying not to dwell on a guy I met once for only a few hours, but I can’t help it. I can’t stop myself from jumping every time the door chimes. Even though I know I shouldn’t want him to come in and kiss me again like his life depends on it, I do. But as the week has passed, reality has been sinking in. I blew it. I pulled a crazy, and he ran the other way. It’s probably better for my sanity anyway.
As I head out to my car after another busy Friday, I call Shannon to let her know that I’m on my way. I’m blessed to have my close-knit group of friends in my life. I love Shannon like a sister. I’d move heaven and earth for her, and I know she’d do the same for me. She’s my rock, and she has no idea how much I’ve used her friendship as a crutch and a distraction throughout the years. She doesn’t know just how fucked-up I am nor does she know the reasons behind it. No one does. I can’t reveal that shit to anyone. I don’t want looks of pity or disgust, and I certainly don’t want to relive it if I were to talk to someone about my past. She knows about my biological father. He’s my go-to excuse whenever someone cares enough to ask, which is rare. While Rick’s continued absence still hurts, it’s not even close to the entirety of my baggage.
She picks up on the third ring. “Yo, bitch. What up?”
I laugh, her greeting scattering my gloomy thoughts. “Sup, homey? On my way ova, yo. You best not be steppin’ on my grill,” I babble, still smiling.
“What the hell does that even mean?” she asks, giggling.
“I have no idea. It sounded good in my head though, maybe not so much in real life,” I say, giggling, as I reach my car and get in. I swear we turn into…well, giggling schoolgirls with each other.
“Yeah, definitely not.”
I can tell she’s smiling as big as I am.
“So, you on your way up?”
“I am, chica. I’ll see you in twenty or so.”
“All right, see you in a few. Love you.”
“Love you, too.” I press the End button, chuck my phone into my purse, and start the green beast.
I crank the heat up on full blast. I freaking hate the cold with a vengeance, so living in New England sucks big, giant donkey balls. Once the car warms, I begin the twenty-minute drive to my best friend’s home.
I pull into her driveway, step out of the car, and quickly make my way to the door of her nice, warm house. Before I can even knock, the door swings open, and Chad stands in the doorway in all his handsome glory. Shannon is a lucky woman indeed. I’m not attracted to him. He’s like a brother to me, but I can appreciate male beauty when I see it. Speaking of male beauty—
Do. Not. Think. Of. Jed.
“Hey, beautiful!” Chad pulls me into a big hug.
“Hey, you!” I say as I hug him back.
“Hey, butthead!” Shannon calls from the living room. “Did you bring the hottie again?”
Rolling my eyes, I make my way to the couch, take off my coat and snag the guitar. “You know the answer to that question, so quit nagging me. You have a husband for that,” I snap as I plop down on the couch.
Chad laughs loudly, and Shannon sends him a withering glare. Once Chad regains himself, she returns her attention to me.
“I just don’t understand what your problem is with him. He’s fucking gorgeous and obviously interested in you.”
“Aaron or Jared coming over later?” I ask, changing the subject.
She doesn’t know that my feelings on the subject have shifted. She’d be on me like flies to shit, more than she already is, if she knew.
“Yeah, they should be here soon,” Chad says.
“Don’t change the subject,” Shannon interjects. “He seemed like a good guy, and Christ knows, it would be a change of pace for you to try one of those. So, what’s your issue?”
Chad gives me a knowing glance as if he gets that I don’t want to talk about this. “Beer?”
Smiling gratefully, I ask, “Was that a serious question?”
He chuckles, shaking his head. “Smartass.”
“You know you love me.”
God, I love these guys. The ability to distract me and help me feel like I’m a normal person, not a mess barely keeping it together, is priceless.
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll go and grab you one.” He smiles as he begins striding into the kitchen.
“Grab me one, too, please, dear,” Shannon calls sweetly.
“Yes, dear!” he yells from the kitchen.
Before Shannon can continue her interrogation, Aaron and Jared walk through the door. In all his tall, lean, and handsome glory, Jared immediately draws my attention. I know it’ll never be, but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the fine specimen that he is.
“Hey, sugar tits,” Aaron greets me.
I roll my eyes as he pulls me into a hug. Aaron is a really good guy, and we’ve always had friendly banter. He’s been with his girlfriend, Alison, since they were in diapers, and they’re both great.
“Hey, you,” I reply, returning the gesture. “Rock Band?”
“Seriously? You have to ask? It’s jam night!” he exclaims, grinning.
His nickname for our Friday night ritual is stupid. I roll my eyes and return his smile as he strides toward the couch.
Jared sits next to me on the couch, throws his arm around my shoulders, and presses his lips to my head. “Hey, sexy lady,” he says softly.
When his arm is around me, I’m surprised to realize the shimmer of attraction that he evokes is nothing compared to the lightning strikes caused by Jed’s touch. The internal tug of war is getting exhausting.
“Hey, you,” I say.
“How was work?”
“Meh, work.” I shrug.
“You work too hard. Here, let me rub your shoulders a bit,” he offers. “Turn around.”
“You know I have to work. College is expensive.”
I twist my body, so he can work his magic. Jared has always been sweet and a little hands-on with me. Back in middle school, I crushed on him hard, but he never looked at me that way twice, so I let hope for more with him fade. Letting go was easier when I had him—
I slam the door on that thought. Rule number one: Never, ever think of him.
“Better?” Jared asks softly after a few minutes.
“Yeah, thanks, Jared,” I reply, turning back to him.
“Anytime, beautiful.”
He beams, and I grin back. I easily brush off his compliment since he throws them at me regularly, and I know they don’t mean anything.
&
nbsp; “Hey, I’m totally stealing the guitar from you,” Aaron announces.
“No problem. I feel like singing anyway. I need to get some tension out.” Immediately, I want to snatch those words back before twenty questions start.
“Wait, wait, wait—what tension?” Shannon pries.
“You said, ‘tension.’” Chad snickers as he comes back from the kitchen with our beers, including extra for Aaron and Jared.
I fling a throw pillow at him. “Shut up, ass. You’re so immature!”
“Hello, kettle.” Chad walks over to me and gives an exaggerated bow before sticking out a hand. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m pot.”
I laugh at his ridiculousness. “You’re such a douche.”
He grins and goes to sit next to his wife. He slings an arm around her shoulder, causing a momentary pang in my heart.
Fuck, I want that. It seems the hopeless romantic in me is never far from the surface.
“Okay, back to the matter at hand. What tension? Are you holding out on me? Did something happen with Mr. Tall, Dark, and Holy Fuck Orgasm?”
I feel Jared stiffen next to me. He’s always hated any guy who hits on me, not that I can blame him. They’re usually assholes, but his reaction surprises me since everyone else seems to like Jed.
I roll my eyes. “You’re so fucking crude, Shannon. Seriously, just drop it. I haven’t seen or heard from him since last week. It’s not going to happen.”
“Why don’t you go and talk to his uncle and—”
“She said drop it, Shannon,” Jared interrupts harshly.
Shannon looks at him in shock as do I.
Jared blushes, which is weird because he never blushes. “Sorry, I just knew you wanted her to drop it,” he mumbles.
“Okay,” Shannon drawls out the word. “Anywho, what’s got you all worked up?”
“What the hell is it with the third degree? Let’s just play,” I say.
Her lips press into a firm line before she finally says, “Fine.” But her eyes tell me it’s not over.
I love her, but one thing about her that’s changed since high school is when she wants to know something, she pries like a crowbar on steroids. I roll my eyes and reach out to snatch the microphone, so we can get on with the night, but the ringing of my cell stops me.
I reach into my back pocket, and I inadvertently answer the phone in the process, so I press it to my ear. “Hello?”
“Hey, baby,” a familiar voice says.
My stomach drops. I thought this shit was finally over. I want to chuck my phone across the room. I’m shocked that I find myself so annoyed, but I’m also nervous. “What do you want, Sam?”
“I just wanted to talk,” he says innocently but confidently.
“I think we’ve said everything that needed to be said.” I pour every ounce of irritation I can into the phone, but inside, I’m a scrambled mess of emotions.
I feel Jared turn rigid, and Shannon’s eyes bore into me. If I look at her, I know she’ll be mouthing, Hang the fuck up.
“Hey, don’t be like that, baby. I just wanted to hear your voice. I miss you so much,” he says with a soft seductive voice.
I blow out a breath. “Honestly, Sam, you need to stop this. We’re not right for each other, and I need to move on.”
“Why?” he asks softly, dropping the sultry tone.
“Because you’re an asshole,” I say, my voice shaking a little, but I’m proud I got it out. Good job, Anna.
Jared’s hand on my shoulder confirms that I’m doing well.
“Anna, I know. I’m sorry. Please, please don’t give up on us. I’m begging you,” he pleads with desperation.
Tears of anger prick my eyes, and I clench my teeth, swallowing the lump in my throat. “Fuck you,” I state evenly.
“What?” He’s taken aback.
I’ve never been so harsh with him—with anyone really.
“Where the fuck were you when I was begging you not to give up on us? Where were you when I begged you to stop destroying us?” I stop myself from continuing this stupidity. “Actually, don’t bother answering because I don’t care. We’re done. Don’t call me again.” I hang up. I’m not listening or dealing with his shit anymore.
I toss my phone onto the table. It immediately rings again, so I reach over, turn it off, and place it back on the table. The adrenaline pumping through my body recedes, and I hold back tears. I hate crying. It seems like a cruel twist of fate that I always cry when I experience extreme emotion, like anger, sadness, happiness, frustration, whatever. If it’s strong, then I cry, and I hate it. My hand is still shaking from the strength I needed to stand up for myself. I’m not used to holding my ground, and it drains me.
“Hey”—Shannon comes over from her spot on the floor to sit next to me on the opposite side from Jared—“I’m really proud of you.”
I nod my thanks, breathing deeply, while I snatch each and every emotion that escaped its prison cell, and I shove them back in, the cage clanging loudly behind them. The whole process only lasts a few seconds, and when I’m finished, I give my best friend a weak smile. “Honestly, I’m fine. I just wish he’d drop it. I know he doesn’t want a real relationship. He’s just trying to suck me back in for a piece of ass.” I shake my head. “Or maybe he gets off on fucking with my head.”
Jared clears his throat. “Don’t worry about him.” He leans down and kisses the top of my head. “You’ll find the right guy for you soon. He might be right under your nose.” He smiles tentatively.
“Exactly. Forget that asshole, and focus on the potential around you,” Shannon says.
I swing my gaze back to her and raise a confused eyebrow.
She rolls her eyes. “Duh—Jed.”
Jared blows out a hard breath with a slight growl.
“I don’t think I should jump into another relationship right now. It doesn’t seem right,” I say.
“Why not?” Shannon asks.
“Are you deaf?” I ask with more conviction than I have. “I just got out of a relationship. I shouldn’t jump—”
“That’s not a good enough reason,” she cuts in. “Just because you finally kicked the pickledick to the curb doesn’t mean you can’t give tall, dark, and smoking—”
“Hey!” Chad interrupts.
Shannon rolls her eyes. “Not as sexy as you, baby,” she reassures him.
Chad grins.
“You’re such a child,” she says.
His smile widens. “Guilty.”
“Anyway,” she drawls out, “there’s no set time frame for when it’s okay to start dating again. You want nothing more to do with Captain Cockwaffle—”
I laugh. “Cockwaffle? Where do you come up with this shit?”
“It just comes to me. I’m gifted like that,” she says.
I laugh again.
“Stop interrupting me!”
“Sorry, sorry,” I say, trying to suppress my laughter.
She gives me a look, but she doesn’t say anything. “Anyway, don’t give that motherfucker the satisfaction of you passing up on something good just because you finally kicked that asshat to the curb a year too late.”
“We were only together for a year.”
“Exactly, but that’s not the point. The point is that you need to give Jed a shot.”
“Why?”
She breathes deeply and then speaks softly, “You’re a beautiful, smart, unique woman, and you deserve happiness. I’m not telling you that Jed is your Mr. Right, but I am telling you that you won’t know if you don’t try. If you don’t give him a shot, you’ll always wonder what could have been.”
I take a second to absorb what she said, and I know she’s right. There shouldn’t be a set time limit, and I won’t know if I don’t try, but I’m still scared that he could wreck me.
“He did seem like a good guy,” Aaron says.
Jared grumbles about needing another beer, and he leaves the couch, heading to the kitchen.
“How do you
know?” I ask.
He shrugs. “I don’t know. He was cool to talk to, and he was nice enough to drive your ass around.”
“Maybe,” I concede quietly. “But I haven’t heard from him since, so he’s probably not even that interested.”
“Oh, he was definitely interested,” Aaron says.
I raise my eyebrow.
He continues, “Trust me. He wants you.”
“Then, why hasn’t he tried to talk to me again?”
“Relax. You’re a busy woman, and it’s only been a week. I’d bet my house that you see him again by next Friday.”
I sigh and look at my friends as I consider what they said.
I want Jed. I want to get to know him, and I want to lick him all over. It’s just one date, right? I’m just so scared. What if he breaks my heart? But what if he doesn’t?
A slow smile spreads across Shannon’s face. “If it makes you feel better, I’ll run him over with Chad’s truck if he turns out to be an asshole.”
I burst out laughing, and I feel my twitchy body relax now that my decision is made. “All right. If I see him again and if he’s still interested, I’ll give him a shot.”
“You going to stalk the pizza chick again tonight?” my brother—Zach, short for Zachariah—asks when he comes over with beer for some Sunday football.
I groan. “Shut the fuck up.”
I never should have said anything to my brother. I should have known he’d be a jackass about me trying to run into Anna. I’ve been down to the pizza shop four times this week, but I haven’t laid eyes on that pretty little ass. I don’t know if she’s avoiding me or if I just suck with timing, but it’s fucking annoying. I probably would be down there if I didn’t know the shop was closed on Sundays.
“What’s your obsession anyway? So, she’s hot. It’s not like you’ve never dated a hot chick before.”
“I don’t know.” I blow out a harsh breath. “She’s got a killer body—tight round ass, perfect tits, and a beautiful face.” I shrug. “And she’s not a stuck-up bitch. She’s funny and cute.” I sigh because I know I’m about to sound like a pussy. “There’s just something about her. You know I’m looking to settle down, and I think she has potential. Plus, she cooks, and I love food.”
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