Worth It

by Nicki DeStasi

  She looks at me for a second before she shifts her eyes away. She gets up from the bed and walks around the room, trying to find her clothes.

  I sit on the bed, determined to get to the bottom of this, and I say softly, “Hey, come over here.”

  She glances at me, and her tight eyes are a punch to the gut.

  What the fuck is going on?

  She makes her way over and perches on the bed. I reach across the space, grab her around the waist, and pull her to me. Laying her down, I roll on top of her, careful not to crush her, as I position my hands on either side of her face.

  “What’s going on in there?” I tap her head lightly with my finger.

  “What do you mean?”

  I roll my eyes. “You know what I mean.”

  She sighs and closes her eyes. “Nothing.”

  “Open your eyes, Anna,” I demand quietly.

  She does.

  “Can you do me a favor?”

  “What?” she asks warily.

  “Don’t lie to me.”

  “What?”

  “I said, don’t lie to me. I know something is wrong, and I honestly hate the nothing game. Just tell me what’s going on, and we’ll figure it out. Honesty is always the best policy.”

  Her jaw grows tight as she absorbs what I said. She takes a deep breath and blows it out with puffed cheeks. “Yeah, you’re right.”

  “So?”

  “Honestly, it’s not a huge deal. I guess I’m just a little insecure at the moment.”

  “What? Why?”

  After what we just did, how much she just let go with me, I have no idea why she would be insecure. If anything, she should feel more secure. She tries to look away, but I’m holding her head, so she just moves her eyes.

  “Anna, look at me. What the hell are you insecure about?”

  When her eyes return to mine, she seems frustrated, but she also looks like she might cry.

  “Anna, baby, don’t cry.” Why the hell is she crying? “Just please tell me what’s going on in that head of yours. On my end, I can’t understand what you have to be insecure about, and I definitely don’t understand what there is to cry about.”

  I can see anger flare in her eyes for a second. It’s actually pretty hot, but I won’t mention that.

  She huffs, “I wasn’t trying to cry. I was just frustrated because you wouldn’t let this go. Strong emotions make me tear up, okay?”

  I nod. I guess that makes sense. My sister does that. “Why were you frustrated?”

  Her lips flatten, and she looks away. Wanting to get her attention, I use my thumb trace her cheekbone, and then her eyes shoot back to mine.

  I say softly, “Talk to me, baby.”

  She sighs heavily. “I feel stupid for acting like this and for embarrassing myself. I’ve never had a problem with hiding my emotions, but you seem to read me like an open book.” She smirks weakly. “It’s kind of annoying.”

  Well, that’s awesome. I love that I can read her so well already, but I want her to be able to talk to me, too, not hide shit from me. “Can you tell me what started all this? Then, we can figure it out.”

  She sighs again. “Fine. I guess there are a few things, and like I said, it’s not a big deal. I don’t want to seem like a whiny, needy chick, but since you pushed”—she takes a deep breath—“I’m embarrassed that I was so vocal for one thing—”

  “Hold on.” She’s embarrassed about that? Oh, hell no.

  “I—”

  “No, that shit needs to be cleared up right now before you go on.”

  “But—”

  “No,” I say. “Do not be embarrassed about that—ever. I love hearing the noises you make. It tells me I’m doing it right. Not to mention, it’s fucking hot.”

  She looks confused. “You want to hear me?”

  “Hell yeah!”

  “You don’t…” She drops her voice as she continues, “You don’t think it’s kind of slutty?”

  My jaw drops. What the fuck? “Fuck no. Where the hell did you hear that?”

  Her face goes blank. “Nowhere. I guess I just assumed.”

  Jesus, she’s complicated. I know she’s not being straight with me, but I let it go.

  I kiss her nose, and she smiles up at me.

  “Tell me what else is bothering you,” I say.

  As she works her jaw, she’s clearly uncomfortable, and when she doesn’t say anything, I kiss her nose again.

  “Spit it out, baby.”

  “Fine,” she huffs. She chews her bottom lip before she finally blurts, “You’re gorgeous. Face, body, everything is fucking unbelievably out-of-this-world hot, and I know I’m not Jabba the Hut, but I’m not exactly a supermodel either.” She shrugs nervously. “I guess I’m waiting for you to wake up and see the difference.”

  My eyes widen, and I breathe in through my teeth as my mind runs wild. I knew she wasn’t aware of how smoking she is, but seriously? I don’t know how to take this—but my dick does. Her calling me hot is making me hard again, and I want to show her how wrong she is. “I—”

  “Let me get it all out,” she says, annoyed.

  “Okay, go ahead.” I smirk.

  She sighs and looks away before she peeks back at me. “Now that we’ve had sex, I feel like you’ll move on.”

  I shake my head. “That’s not going to happen. There’s no way I’m walking away anytime soon especially since I’ve been inside you.”

  She blushes.

  I smirk. “What else?”

  She pauses before whispering, “I don’t think I’m good enough for you.” She pauses again, and then she smiles incredulously. “Are you getting hard?”

  Not good enough for me? Is she smokin’ crack? I hate what she’s saying because it makes me wonder what she’s not saying, but I grin back. “Sorry—well, not really.” I rub myself against her. “But we need to clear up some shit before we begin round two.”

  Her eyes widen slightly.

  “If you’re up for it, of course.”

  Her cheeks get pink and she smiles. She’s obviously up for another round, which makes me even harder.

  I sigh, not sure how to handle this, but I try anyway. “I’m glad you think I’m hot, and by the way, that’s why I started having this reaction.” I push my dick against her to emphasize my point. “Well, that, and you’re incredibly sexy. So, as for your other point, I think you’re wicked hot, too, so I guess we fit in that way. You think I’m hot, and I think you’re hot, so end of story. We can both be hot. Okay?”

  She nods but doesn’t look like she believes me. I decide to let it go for now.

  “The other thing…” I pause to think of what to say. “I can’t imagine why you think you’re not good enough for me, but suffice it to say, you are. I think you are, so please accept that at face value.” I pause again to gather my thoughts. Her line of thinking is fucked-up, but I need her to understand. “I’m a big boy, so if I tell you that I want you, just go with it, okay?”

  She nods halfheartedly. This conversation is really making me see there is something deeper in her. Typically, I’d run the other way, but with her, I don’t. I want to help her.

  “And I’m not letting go of you that easily. Do you know how fucking sexy you are when you’re coming?”

  Her checks get redder and she looks away.

  “Hey, I’m joking.” Kind of. “I really like you. You’re funny and sweet, so get that shit out of your head because this is just the beginning. Okay?”

  “Okay,” she says, but her eyes are still tight.

  She’s a tough nut to crack. “Listen, baby, I don’t play games—ever. There’s no point to it. I’m not saying that we’re going to live happily ever after, have two-point-five kids, and whatnot, but I will tell you that I’m seriously into you, and I’d like to see where things go. How does that sound?”

  She smiles, and the tension in her eyes starts to fade. “That sounds good.”

  “Excellent.” I smile big and kiss
her. “Now…”

  I trail my hand down her face, her neck, her chest, and her stomach. Then, I use two fingers to rub her clit, and my dick jerks when her breath gets ragged.

  “I’d really like to taste this sweet pussy, okay?” I whisper against her lips.

  Her breath hitches again, but then she smiles and bites her lip. As I start to kiss my way down her sexy body, I come to a understanding. She might have something dark hidden underneath, but I know right now that I want to help her see the light.

  I reach over and switch off my alarm to stop that incessant beeping that so rudely interrupted my blissful sleep. Stretching like a cat, I can feel the soreness of my muscles protesting the movement. My lips spread into a satisfied grin at the memory of my date with Jed, especially the end of it.

  My introduction to orgasms was beyond my wildest dreams. Sex has always been a way to gain affection, a way to feel loved. It was something that was expected of me, but now, I understand. I understand the passion, the pleasure that can come from opening up to another person for more than just the relief from loneliness.

  Not to mention, he didn’t freak when I pulled a crazy. I don’t know how I feel about him pushing me to talk. I don’t like how vulnerable he makes me feel or how comfortable I am with him already, but he seemed to take my shit in stride, and he made me feel better about everything.

  Part of me is terrified because I find myself caring about him. I realize that’s how it works in relationships, but it’s scary. He treats me so differently that I don’t really know what to expect, and I feel a little off-kilter. The other part of me is hopeful. I’m not stupid. I know it was only one date, and I’m getting ahead of myself, but everything he said last night struck a chord. It made me realize that he’s not like the people from my past, so even though I know it won’t be easy, I need to trust him—until he gives me a reason not to.

  There’s nothing more I can do, and if I overanalyze everything, the condescending perfectionist will only drag me down. I won’t let the dark pull me under when I’m feeling so good. I refuse to sour a beautiful memory.

  I swing my legs off the bed and get ready to head to the bathroom, so I can get ready for class. When I pass through the kitchen on my way to the bathroom, my seventeen-year-old sister, Ashley, is grabbing coffee.

  She spots me and smiles deviously over her mug. “You got in late last night.”

  I shrug, but I can’t keep the grin off my face.

  “How did it go?” she asks.

  I’m sure she can tell from my glow that it went well. “Really good. He’s fun and really nice. I like him,” I reply, setting my things on the kitchen table. I stroll to the cupboard to grab a mug of my own. “We had dinner, and then we played some pool.”

  She raises an eyebrow. “That’s it? You didn’t get home until one in the morning.”

  As I pour my coffee, I debate whether or not to say more. Last night was beautiful and perfect, but on paper, I know I gave it up on the first date. I judge myself enough as it is, and I don’t need others joining in. My hesitation must have given me away because a knowing smile spreads across Ashley’s face.

  “You didn’t…”

  I shrug and look down at my mug.

  She says excitedly, “Oh, come on, Anna, give me the deets!”

  I glance up at her, and a tentative smile creeps across my lips. “After we were done playing pool, we went to his apartment to watch a movie.”

  “And?” she prompts enthusiastically.

  I smirk as I stare at my mug. “I don’t know how the movie ends.”

  She squeals that obnoxious teenager squeal and runs over to hug me. “Yay! I’m so happy you got laid!”

  I can’t believe my little sister is hugging me for getting laid. I think I’m going to need to have a talk with her.

  “You, what?”

  Shit, my mom.

  I break the hug and look over to see my mom in the doorway to the kitchen. She’s giving me a disapproving stare, and shame reddens my face.

  “You slept with that guy on your first date?” she asks even though she already knows the answer.

  When I lift one shoulder and focus at my entwined fingers, I hear her sigh.

  “Whatever, Anna. It’s your life. I just don’t want you to make my mistakes or worse.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I snap.

  My mom has come a long way from the person she was when I was a teenager, but she’s not a caring mother even though I think she tries.

  Mom throws her hands in the air. “I don’t want to see you spread your legs for any guy who comes along. You’ll just get screwed over. Men only think with their dicks, and I doubt this guy cares about you. You just gave him what he wants.” She pauses when she notices my expression.

  I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face. Ice snakes through my veins, poisoning the strength and trust I’ve built for him.

  “Sorry, Anna, that didn’t come out right,” Mom backtracks. “I just want better for you. You’ve worked so hard to go to school. I don’t want you to…” She trails off before she continues, “I just want you to make good decisions and stop sleeping around all the time.”

  She should probably quit while she’s ahead. I don’t know if she’s trying to be a good parent right now or if she’s purposely calling me a slut. I’ve had a few one-night stands when I couldn’t handle the loneliness, but I’ve had five partners total. Well, with Jed, that makes six now.

  Maybe he was right. I’m just a dirty whore. I shake my head to clear the thought.

  Turning my back on my mom, I rinse out my cup and fight the burn of tears threatening my eyes from shame and embarrassment. I’m so fucking stupid.

  “Mom,” Ash tentatively steps in, “she said that he seems like a good guy. They had a great date. I think they just hit it off so well that one thing led to another.”

  “Ashley, you’re seventeen. You shouldn’t be talking about sex. Go get ready for school,” Mom says.

  Ash hesitates, but after throwing me a supportive half smile, she leaves the room.

  Mom continues, “Anna, you’re a big girl, and you can make your own decisions. I just…”

  I look over at her, and I see the sorrow in her eyes.

  “I haven’t always been the best mom.”

  I hold in my snort of laughter.

  “But I’m trying here. If you think he’s a good guy, and one thing led to another…”

  She shrugs when I don’t respond. I don’t really know what to say.

  “Ash was right. It was the culmination of a great date. You’re a good person, Anna, and I just want you to be happy.”

  I should be used to Mom’s whiplash at this point, but I’m not. I swallow the lump in my throat, and make my way to the bathroom with my emotions in a jumbled mess.

  As I drive to class, I try to get myself under control. My mom bitch-slapped me with doubt, and I hate that I’m dwelling on it. I promised myself that I would try to trust, but with a few simple words, it becomes harder and harder.

  What could possibly hold him to me? It’s not like we’ve known each other that long. What if everything he said was a lie? What if—

  Fuck! I can’t think that way, or I’ll go crazy. Before I left last night, he said he’d call, and he’s done nothing to break my trust yet, so it’s not fair to doubt him now. Just as I’ve pushed aside my insecurities and locked them up tight, my phone rings, and I nearly swerve off the road.

  My shoulders sag with relief as I rush to answer my phone. “Hello?”

  “Hey, baby. I’m so glad you answered. Guess that means you’re done being mad at me, right? Are you ready to talk?”

  Motherfucker! My jaw grows tight, and my knuckles grip the steering wheel. I know better than to answer the phone without checking the caller ID. Sam has called me twice since that night at Shannon’s, but I haven’t answered, and he hasn’t left a message. I have nothing left to say to him, and I have no idea what his problem is. The lo
nger his persistence goes on, the more the anxiety fades, and the anger seeps in.

  “Stop calling me, Sam. We’re done.”

  “Anna, we’re not done. We just hit a bit of a speed bump,” he says softly but urgently. “I know I’ve been an ass, but I was dealing with the divorce, and I was just fucked-up. Give me another shot, and I swear that I’ll treat you like you deserve. I mean it. Please, I love you, baby.”

  My jaw drops slightly because Sam never lowers himself like this, but I’m done with him.

  “Sam,” I say with a deceptively calm voice, “I don’t know what I need to say to you for you to accept that we are not getting back together. You’ve played me too many times, and it won’t happen again.”

  “But—”

  I hang up on him and chuck the phone into my purse. It rings again, but I ignore him. He is just another stress that I don’t need right now.

  After my first class, I have a break until my next one, so I make my way to the commuter café to start working on lesson plans due at the end of the week. I’m so engrossed in my work that I don’t notice someone approaching until I hear the squeal of a chair as it’s being pulled away from the table. I glance up just as Sam sits down next to me. I haven’t seen him in person since the last time he played with my heart. The blood drains from my face momentarily before I get angry.

  Why the hell is he doing this? “What the fuck do you want?” I ask icily in a low voice, so I don’t attract onlookers.

  He appears a little taken aback, and to be honest, I am, too. I’ve never spoken to him quite this harshly, but he’s seriously pissing me off.

  “I want to know what it’s going to take for you to forgive me,” he says quietly.

  He looks like shit. His clothes are rumpled, and his usual clean-shaven face is sporting a week’s worth of stubble. I’ve never seen him like this, so broken, and I feel bad for him—almost.

  “Hell will freeze over before I take you back.” I drop my head and focus on my work.

  “Anna, this is so unlike you. I really miss you. Please talk to me, so we can work through this.” He reaches over and puts his hand on mine.