Deep breath, relax. We’re leaving. It’s over.
After we say our good-byes, we make our way to my truck, and I feel slightly calmer. I open the door for Anna, and just like she does every time, she smiles brightly before she hops in. I shake my head a bit and smile as I walk to the driver’s side. She acts like no one has ever done that for her before. Then, my smile immediately fades. Maybe no one has done that before. My anger flares again, and my jaw grows tight. How can no one have ever opened a damn door for her? Now, as I climb in the truck and start it up, I’m fuming about how shitty she’s been treated by her exes. It makes me so mad that I could punch something. I know that I’m losing it right now, but the thought of her getting walked on all the time on top of dealing with Jared’s bullshit makes me want to break things.
God, it’s like I have PM-fucking-S! It’s driving me nuts that I’m acting like some fucking possessive asshole.
“You okay?” Anna asks, pulling me out of my thoughts.
I try to wipe the scowl off my face as I pull out of the driveway at start driving. “Yeah, babe, I’m great. I had a lot of fun tonight.”
She gives me a funny look. “Okay,” she says slowly.
“What?” I snap.
“Nothing, I guess.” She looks a little startled. “It just looked like something was bothering you. You seemed fine when you opened my door, and then you were all broody when you hopped in.”
I purse my lips. Should I get into this while I’m all worked up? Probably not, but I’m going to do it anyway. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Maybe.”
I roll my eyes at her indecisive answer. “Am I the first guy to open a door for you?”
She studies me like I’ve lost my mind, and I think I have.
She says, “Yeah, I think so. Why?”
She acts like it’s no big fucking deal.
“I don’t know,” I grit out harshly. “It just makes so fucking mad that your asshole exes didn’t appreciate what they had, that you were treated so shitty, and that you were hurt. It pisses me off that you picked such fucking shitheads. You should be treated with respect, and you obviously didn’t get that. I don’t understand why you would do that to yourself.”
I need to shut up, but I can’t help it. Anna thinks I’m so fucking great, but this is my big fault. I lash out when I’m angry, and I can’t stop the stupid shit from flowing out of my mouth.
“A simple fucking gesture like opening the goddamn door for you?” I slam the steering wheel with my fist. “Couldn’t be fucking bothered. Un-fucking-believable.”
I’m trying to rein it in and smother my bubbling anger and my misplaced wrath, but then I remember the real reason I’m so pissed, and I lose it. I know my anger is directed at the wrong person, but it doesn’t stop the word vomit. It just comes out. “And what the fuck is going on with Jared? Did you fuck him? Did you spread your legs for him and—” I yell, turning to her, prepared to finish that sentence. Her expression sobers me fast. The blood drains from my face, and I want to take those words back, snatch them right out of the air before they reach her ears. Oh fuck, I’m such an asshole.
She looks terrified, horrified. “What?” she whispers.
“Anna, God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that. I don’t know what came over me. I just got pissed.” I run a hand over my face. “I’m sorry.”
“Did I do something to make you mad?” Her voice is so small, and her eyes are wild with fear.
“No!” I yell abruptly, wincing as she flinches.
I take a deep breath and will myself to speak like a normal fucking human being. “I’m sorry, but the way Jared was acting around you drove me insane. I swear, Anna, I’m not normally like this—so…fucking out of control. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I’m going to club you on the head and drag you into my cave, so no one else can have you.”
I hope my joke is helping to dig myself out of this hole, but when I chance a peek at her, her eyes are still wide with fear. Now, she also looks confused.
Right, she obviously had no clue about Jared. It probably didn’t help that I shouted I was going to bash her brains in. God, I am so not good with words. Shit. I need to pull over, so I can concentrate while I’m talking to her. I steer the truck to the side of the road, shift it into park, but I leave it running.
I turn my body to face her, so I can explain my little outburst, but the look on her face stops me cold. She looks terrified, utterly and totally horrified. Her face is white as a ghost, and her whole body is trembling. I know I’m acting crazy, but what the fuck? She’s looking at me like I’m Jack the Ripper and Hitler combined.
“I…I…I’ll just get out and walk home,” she stutters as she reaches for the door. “I didn’t mean…I’m sorry.” She fumbles, her hand shaking, and she can’t figure out the lock. “I, um…I’m sorry. Th-th-the door…”
Her voice rises as she scrambles to open the door, but I’m frozen to my seat.
What the hell is going on? I know I raised my voice, but it’s not like I threatened her. Well, there was the club comment, but she couldn’t have taken that seriously. My brow furrows as I take in the cowering cornered cat in front of me. What the hell?
“Anna,” I say as calmly as I can. “Anna,” I repeat.
She finally looks over at me with tears in her wild eyes.
“I don’t want you to get out. I’m so sorry I overreacted. It was just the thoughts of your exes not taking care of you, your asshole ex still bothering you, and the way Jared was looking at you, touching you, flirting with you, putting his hands on you. I just got a little angry.”
Her eyes grow huge.
“Not at you,” I rush out. “God, not at you. I’m sorry, Anna. Shit.”
I take a deep breath and rub my head in frustration. Maybe I need a break. She obviously has issues, and I’m a fucking lunatic right now. Why? I have no fucking clue. I think I’m falling for her. I want and need to protect her, to plow over anything that is either a threat to her or might take her away from me. Maybe that’s why I’m pissed. Maybe Jared could take her away. She’s known him for a long time, and he wants her.
I let a breath out slowly. I want to be with her, and I never really doubted that. We click. So, she has some issues, but someone has got to help her through them, right? Why not me? I can tell that this could be something awesome, just what I’ve been looking for. I just need to help her, and I need to calm the fuck down.
“Of course I don’t want you to get out of the car. It’s midnight. That doesn’t make any sense,” I say once I’m calmer.
“You’re not mad at me?” she asks quietly.
I blow out a ragged breath. “No, Anna, I swear, I’m not mad at you. I have no reason to be.” I pause for a second. “Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if you were mad at me. I’m sorry. I was way out of line. I’m acting like a nut job. This whole jealousy thing is new to me, and I’m not handling it well. Forgive me.”
Her face softens as she seems to be coming back from whatever fucked-up, terrified place she was at. “It’s okay, Jed. I think I get it. Jared is always like that, and it doesn’t mean anything, I swear. I would probably get a little crazy if some girl was flirting with you even if she didn’t mean anything by it.” She shifts uncomfortably. “And to answer your question, no, I’ve never slept with Jared. It’s always been just friendship between us, so I really wouldn’t worry about him.”
She sighs and looks up, completely missing my smirk. I don’t understand how she can be so clueless.
“As for the other guys, I only have two exes. I don’t really know what you want me to say. I think I knew that I was being treated kind of shitty. I saw the way Chad treated Shannon and how other guys treated their girlfriends.” She scratches her head and glances over at me, looking like she’s having an internal battle. “I don’t know. I guess I was used to being treated crappy, so I didn’t really expect any better. Does that make sense?”
I swallow the ange
r that flares from her explanation, and I smile at her. “I guess I’ll just have to treat you really good to make up for it, right?”
Her lips tip up into a genuine smile. “You already do, Jed. Thank you.”
“Good.” I lean over to press a soft kiss on her lips, and my chest tightens.
She is definitely worth it.
Jed starts to drive off again, and we sit in comfortable silence as he holds my hand. I feel bad for the way I overreacted to his freak-out. He just freaked me out, and my overly sensitive fight-or-flight instinct kicked in. My past makes me react to anger that way, I think, but I’ve never really dealt with wrath much since him. There were a few times I dealt with Sam’s ire, but that only reinforced my reaction. Mean behavior, I can handle, but I equate anger with pain. I suppose that’s not normal.
I sigh, irritated with myself. I don’t like this shit getting churned up. Those rocks need to stay buried deep, deep underground. I look over at Jed and smile at his profile. Yeah, he got kind of crazy for a minute there, but I understand. Jared has always been a touchy-feely kind of friend, so I guess to someone who hasn’t seen it before, it would seem like flirting. Although, Sam always flipped his lid around Jared, and so did he.
I slam the door on that thought process. Do not compare them to Jed. They are nothing alike. But could his freak-out be a red flag that I’m overlooking? Am I getting dependent again? Am I overlooking things? Shit, I don’t want that. My head is so fucked-up that I can’t even figure out what’s okay and what’s not okay. I need to talk to Shannon about this.
“How do you feel about staying at my place tonight?” he asks, glancing over at me before returning his eyes to the road.
“Um…” I mentally cringe because I know I’m running out of excuses for not staying over. After this difficult night, the last thing I need is to have a nightmare in his presence, which is likely, considering the difficult night. “I don’t have anything with me.”
“That’s okay. You can sleep in one of my shirts, and I have an extra toothbrush you can use. I just thought that it’s getting pretty late, and it would probably be safer for you to stay at my place.” He laughs softly before continuing, “Although, your safety isn’t my only reason.”
He looks over at me again and gives me that sexy smirk. It sends a thrill through me, going straight to my core.
“Well…” The thought of making up and making love is definitely a strong temptation, but I don’t think I’m ready to take the chance that I’ll have a nightmare around him. “I talk in my sleep. I’ll probably keep you up.”
He shoots me a sexy grin at me. “Really? This should be awesome. I’ll gladly lose a little sleep to hear you dream about me.”
“Sorry, babe, I only dream about hot guys,” I say, laughing.
“Good. I look forward to hearing you dream about me.” He winks.
I roll my eyes. “Good thing you don’t have an inflated ego or anything.”
“Hey, I don’t have an inflated ego, baby. Just telling it like it is.” He smiles, but then his look changes, like he remembered something unpleasant. “So, tell me what happened at Shannon’s. When Chad and I came in and you and Shannon were whispering, and you said you’d tell me about it.”
Crap. “What do you mean?”
He raises an eyebrow. I let out a frustrated whimper, knowing he hates my dodging.
“Don’t you think we’ve had enough difficult conversations for one night?”
His lips thin. “I’d like to know. You looked pretty shaken up.”
“Fine.” I huff out a breath. “Sam texted me.”
His jaw clenches. “Is that right?” he drawls.
“Yeah.” I start twisting my fingers as my heart rate picks up.
“And?”
“And, what?”
He blows out a hard breath. “And,” he slowly draws out the word, “what did the text say?”
I sigh heavily, and close my eyes. “I don’t want to talk about this right now.”
“Please tell me,” he says the words softly, but his jaw grows tighter.
I huff again and cross my arms. “Fine. He said that he’s starting to get angry, and I better answer my phone, or I’m”—I raise my hands to finger quote—“going to regret it.”
He whips his head around. “What the hell does that mean?”
I shrug. “I don’t know.”
“Was he violent with you?”
“He never raised a hand to me, no.” It’s the truth—Sam never used his hands. I didn’t want to get into detail with Jed because it wasn’t like he physically hurt me often, and those times don’t matter now.
“Okay, good. I still wish he would leave you alone,” he says, more relaxed. “You said you broke up six months ago, right? I know you told me he strung you along, but it’s been a while, right?”
“Yeah. I don’t know what his problem is. I don’t want you to get upset, but really, I don’t think he ever cared that much, especially toward the end. He was pushing me away for a long time.” I sigh and shake my head. “He’ll stop eventually.”
“I won’t lie and say I like hearing about your ex and how he treated you.” He pauses, his expression thoughtful. “But then again, if he wasn’t a dick, you might still be with him and not here with me.”
He reaches over and squeezes my knee. I smile as my heart warms.
“So, you’ll stay over?” he asks again after a minute of comfortable silence.
I don’t want to be a bitch, but I can’t stay over. I can’t risk having a dream in front of him. I just can’t. I’ve never had someone who cared enough to ask about my nightmares, but I know Jed would. I don’t want to talk about it—ever. I think I’ve already shown enough cracks for one night. My freak-out? Ugh! I cringe from just thinking about it. Regardless of the dreams, I think I need a little space. He’s having trouble with jealousy? Yeah, well, I’m having trouble controlling my emotions and keeping everything buried. I feel like I’m in a tailspin right now, and I need to find my center of gravity. Tonight has been such an emotional rollercoaster, and I’m exhausted on top of it. I really can’t take anything else tonight. I can’t exactly tell him any of that, so I’m struggling to think of an excuse that will hold.
“My mom would be worried if I didn’t come home, and it’s too late to call,” I lie.
“All right,” he says, sighing. “I won’t push.”
By his tone, I know he caught the lie. I don’t understand how he can read me so well, or maybe I’m not as good at hiding things as I thought.
“How about I just drop you off at home? I can come get you in the morning for work.”
I mull over that idea for a second. “Are you sure you don’t mind all that driving? I’ll totally cool with driving home after you drop me off.”
“I don’t like the idea of you driving this late at night, especially since you had school and work today. I’m sure you’re exhausted. Please, Anna, give me some peace of mind.” He smiles pleadingly at me.
I smirk, knowing that I can’t refuse this sweet, gorgeous man next to me. “All right—if you’re sure you don’t mind.”
“I’m sure.”
“You’re cheating on me?” I ask.
He laughs and continues to shoot the basketball, like he didn’t just shatter my world. “Come on, Savannah. You think you’re enough for me?” The ball bounces back to him, and he shrugs without looking at me. “I don’t love them, but I’m a man. I have needs.”
I’m devastated. I thought I was giving him what he wanted. I thought that if I just let him have sex with me and showed him I loved him, then he would love me back. Aren’t people supposed to be faithful to the people they love? Rage that I’ve never experienced around him flares up just as the ball bounces in my direction. I pick it up and throw it as hard as I can at him.
“How can you do that to me?” I screech.
He catches the ball easily, his expression blank, before he sneers at me, and all the blood drains from my fac
e.
“You filthy little cunt!” he yells as he rears back and throws the ball full force at me.
I put my hands up to protect my face. The ball hits my pinky finger, and I cry out. I cradle my hand to my chest as pain explodes down my wrist. It hurts so damn bad that I think I might pass out.
I chance a peek down, and my littlest finger is bent the wrong way. It’s white but quickly beginning to bruise. It’s broken. It’s definitely broken. I glance up to see him stalking toward me, his face contorted in rage and hate. Oh fuck. I shouldn’t have done that. I really, really shouldn’t have done that. Tears well in my eyes, and I curl into myself. As I cower, I take a few steps back, but he’s quicker, and he reaches me in a second.
Grabbing me tightly by the throat, he leans in close, so his face is inches from mine. “You ever do that again, and I will break more than your finger.”
I shoot up in bed, clutching my throat. I’m breathing fast, hyperventilating, and my heart is racing. Fuck! Another dream. Just a dream. I clench my teeth and take deep breaths, trying to control my panic. I run a shaky hand down my face. I hate this so fucking much. Why won’t they go away? I just want to move on and forget about all this shit. I can’t, and it’s so fucking frustrating.
I reach into my nightstand and grab my box cutter. I stare at it in my shaking hand, and a tear slips down my cheek. Don’t do it. I take another deep breath, toss the cutter into the drawer, and flop back on my bed. Trying to summon the calming techniques I’ve used in the past, I think about what triggered the nightmare. It was probably what happened with Jed tonight—or last night, realizing it’s nearly dawn by the very soft light coming through the windows. Thinking about what happened with Jed only causes my stomach to churn with worry. I’m scared that my behavior will scare him off or that I’m overlooking a major red flag in regard to Jed’s temper tantrum.
This is not helping at all.
I decide to try another technique that’s helped in the past, and I attempt to clear my head. I imagine grabbing the memory and putting it into a small wooden box. Then, I take the box and throw it in a fire, willing everything inside it to burn away and disappear.
Worth It Page 17